View Full Version : Need reason to say why unemployed
Having had agoraphobia for over 25 years..to varying degrees... I have not been able to work.
When my children were small, I found it easier to use child care as an 'excuse' when people asked me where, or if I 'worked'.
Everyone I knew worked and had children too.
Now my kids are in there twenties and I'm still getting asked if/where I work.
It makes me feel worthless p, cos I would love to have a job and be productive and 'normal' and be able to talk to fellow workers etc and just have a life!!!!!!
I honesty don't know ANYONE.who doesn't work.
I was at a party yest, and the same question from someone in front of about 10 working women my own age. Do you work?
My reply.....No.
Silence
Long pause
No comments from anyone.
I get so angry at myself
I used to try to make light of it by saying
No I don't work...I'm a lady of leisure and a wee laugh etc
But now part of me doesn't want to have to make excuses for myself
People will think what they think.
I DO think in general people think it is bad that I don't work
I DO.
But I DO NOT chose to tell anyone, especially people I don't know really well about my agoraphobia and panic attacks as the reason I DON'T WORK!!!
Can anyone tell me ANY comments or reasons that sound plausible to others why someone might not work.
Not that it's anybody's business but you have health issues. That's all you need to say - noboby needs to know anymore than that. Nobody has the right to judge you. The question to ask yourself is the reasons YOU want to work. Do you want to do it because it's expected of you? Do you need to? Are you ready? What do you do to fill your time? Are you bored? Maybe you could start out with some volunteer work to ease back into it and just to see how it makes you feel. Good luck. xx
You could say, "Not for pay," and then they will all assume you volunteer. Have a change of subject ready and a mysterious smile.
OR throw 'em off track by saying straight-faced, "I'm a pole dancer for David Cameron."
<I'll get me coat...> :blush:
Spot-the-frog
09-07-13, 13:48
I would love 'not' to work! If anyone asked if I worked I would say I took early retirement or I don't need to work.....
Not that it's anybody's business but you have health issues. That's all you need to say - noboby needs to know anymore than that. Nobody has the right to judge you. The question to ask yourself is the reasons YOU want to work. Do you want to do it because it's expected of you? Do you need to? Are you ready? What do you do to fill your time? Are you bored? Maybe you could start out with some volunteer work to ease back into it and just to see how it makes you feel. Good luck. xx
Fantastic advice :yesyes:
Also you could say you are an online support worker giving advice to individuals who are either depressed or suffer GAD! There are legitimate volunteering positions like these
OR
You could do some online trading via eBay sell homemade things, brac a brac from charity shops , start up your own little buisness. Then you could say , I'm setting up my own online buisness OR I'm an trader online. Even if u only do it once or twice a month, it's something to say and true:winks:
Thanks everyone for your replies.
I couldn't even do voluntary work. My panic are so bad i don't think I could last half an hour before running home !!
I have wanted to work. Luckily my husband earns just enuf for us to manage financially, but only just. Or life would be so much better in every way if I earned some money.
I have over the years tried a joke...lady of leisure
And even health issues. Cos I was very anaemic at one point
But
I
All I got was MORE questions.
What's wrong with your health? You look healthy too me..etc
I really try n not be sensitive about it.
But the women I was with last week all had problems and THEY WORK!!!
Recent bereavements, breast cancer mastectomy and ongoing chemo.. How does having agrophobia compare to that!!!
And they were still at work
It DOES make me feel useless, cos both of those situations are MUCH worse than mine!
And people have the right to judge me in comparison.
Hi Dally - please don't be offended by this but I think you have more of an issue with this than others do. You need to stop beating yourself up about it. Everybody has problems but that doesn't make yours any less important than theirs. Ok - so maybe they have got cancer, lost somebody they love but they are dealing with it in their way as you are dealing with your issues in your way. You choose not to work (because at the moment you can't), they choose to work! Everybody is different. So I still think noboby has the right to judge you..... not until they've worn your shoes for the day! Big hugs. xx
dont you worry about what othet people think.
The people in your life that are important will know why you dont work so thats all that matters isnt it?
People who work will find it hard to come to terms with... some reasons being that they wished they didnt have to work. And to be honest unless they have suffered from anxiety.... they would know work is a walk in the park compared to what you have to go through each day.
When people ask if you work and why you dont work just say..... no I dont work I have some personal reasons.. or just be completely honestm you have nothing to be ashamed about :)
If anybody said to me, "You look healthy" I would think rude words, smile and say, "Just as well you're not my doctor then isn't it!"
What a crassly rude thing to say to someone! What if they had cancer?
Rennie1989
09-07-13, 16:28
Why don't you say you're a housewife? You're not confessing to being unwell, which is what you're concerned about doing, and you're not lying either.
---------- Post added at 16:28 ---------- Previous post was at 16:25 ----------
Speranza - I wouldn't take it as something negative or rude. I've told people in the past that I've been unwell (anxiety/panic/depression/mania-like-thing) and they've told me that I look well, not because they're ignorant, but because they don't really know what to say. Mental illness is still taboo in our society and people aren't sure what to say without worrying they are being offensive.
yeah I guess, but it is a pretty dangerous tactic!
Thanks everyone for your replies.
I couldn't even do voluntary work. My panic are so bad i don't think I could last half an hour before running home !!
I have wanted to work. Luckily my husband earns just enuf for us to manage financially, but only just. Or life would be so much better in every way if I earned some money.
I have over the years tried a joke...lady of leisure
And even health issues. Cos I was very anaemic at one point
But
I
All I got was MORE questions.
What's wrong with your health? You look healthy too me..etc
I really try n not be sensitive about it.
But the women I was with last week all had problems and THEY WORK!!!
Recent bereavements, breast cancer mastectomy and ongoing chemo.. How does having agrophobia compare to that!!!
And they were still at work
It DOES make me feel useless, cos both of those situations are MUCH worse than mine!
And people have the right to judge me in comparison.
Seriously - there's some good and genuine suggestions given on your thread- in answer to your question & asking for advice on this matter, I think some NMP members have come up with some good ones, to answer that.
And u know what cancer and agrophobia can't be compared, the problem is that with any mental health illness your brains in control and is the epicentre of your entire body. It's like a power station when that goes - no one has electricity even if theyve got the best up to the minute newly installed electricity heating system!! Mental health issues are like rot, a damp patch in the corner of the room , that if left untreated spreads and the whole room becomes covered. Yes I know that's also like Illness & disease in general BUT, your brain is a powerful thing. Don't ever compare and don't be to hard on yourself Hun, if people haven't experienced it, they dont truely understand - it's fine they have an opinion BUT they should keep it to themselves :hugs:
There's a thread on here somewhere about 'Hikikiomori' - just enter that in the Search facility. It sounds like a brilliant thing to tell people you've got! ;)
Here's a thought - why not just be truthful and say you have agarophobia?
The more people are open about issues like this the more other people will become accepting and understanding of them.
I like that, Brunette. :)
I went on a Mental Health website and pledged to be open about my anxiety and meds. It needs to be ok for people to say they aren't coping. I've always been very understanding of other people, now I get to practise being the same way with myself.
Here's a thought - why not just be truthful and say you have agarophobia?
The more people are open about issues like this the more other people will become accepting and understanding of them.
Damn right - completely agree. Ive lost patience with people always thinking I'm strong and how could I suffer with panic attacks or agrophobia - so nowim a lot more open , I'm sick of even family frowning & not believing that someone who has always appeared to be so confidant and strong - could really experience this! But it's normally the strongest that fall prey to this horrific condition. Even the strong ones eventually snap!
The only thing is some would then say " well if your agrophobic and it's that bad its stops you from working and we all need money - how have u managed coming to this party"?. THAT'S AWKWARD and for someone who's got low self esteem , another blow.
Sometimes I believe in damage limitation I know it sounds funny:roflmao: but basically keeping things simple so from any way you look at it no one can say much back. For example I'm a trader online - all someone's gonna say is ohhh wow what - ohhh I deal in second hand products clean em up and sell on - nothing to grand. Ohhh what's your site called, haven't got one yet but planning on getting my own website and then hopefully in the future I plan to use the money to do a uni course or get a small buisness. END
Hi Dally , all the previous advice sounds good to me. You are not put on this earth to explain yourself to others. How bout "Homemaker, Domestic Technician, Home Front Organiser, Work from home part time due to Health issues/time constraints, Crafter, Artist ...or "mind your own bloody business!"
Sending you ...:hugs:
shotokansho
10-07-13, 12:54
I agree with everyone else, you don't need to explain to anyone what you do with your life, as it isn't their business and some good suggestions too. I was in a similar boat, my boys are well old enough now for me to work and I have found a little job after 16 years of not working, yes because I was a single mother but also because I have mental health issues. I was so fed up of the jibes like 'I pay your benefits with my taxes' and 'how can you be tired, you've done nothing all day'. They made it out to be a joke but it was still very upsetting.
I now work less than 10 hours a week in school kitchens, I like the job but sometimes I just get so tired and find facing a shift hard...people just don't understand.
Have you tried working from home?
Hi
Thanks for the replies.
I completely understand that we should all be pro active in bringing mental health issues to the fore, in a bid to educate the public.
But
I have spent a decade being 'ashamed' of my weakness (panic and aggaraohobia)
Hiding it from everyone
THEN
The next decade, following advice from cpn, drs, and occupational therapists encouraging me to telling everyone about my 'failings' or mental health issues!!!
From this I have learned. Understanding falls into three categories
1. People who understand panic attacks and aggrophobia and will give support when you really need it
2. People who admit to you they cannot understand, but are willing to accept my phobias
Are real to me and understand my limitations
3. People who point blank cannot and are not prepared to try to understand.
I think we could Mabey compare the levels of understanding to arachnophobia/broken leg
How can a big human being be scared of a little spider, who, apart from Mabey a tarantualla wouldn't harm us!! And understanding pain if we have a plaster cast on a limb.
Anyway, in general I am so frustrated by my/this condition that at times I despair of myself.
And to that end agree with the anti mental health brigade!
It has been even some of my close family, who are supposed to love me, that have told me to pull myself together and get on with life.
So gradually I have retreated. So that now I avoid making myself the topic of conversation.
Accept when people bring it up via. Wy I'm not working, or why don't I attend weddings etc.
It is also very hard for people to understand, that even within agoraphobia, we have limits.Ie on a good day I can travel 10 miles from home, but only in a car and only if I have escape routes planned meticulously. On a bad day I can't get out the house!!
I have fund that the people who can or ar willing to try to understand the condition, DON'T understand the variants.
My husband, after all these years and witnessing MANY panic attacks still does not understand, but ACCEPTS I have a problem.
My son totaly understands and is a great support, and talks me through breathing techniques when I'm panicking. Although I tend to go to my room so he doesn't see me.
I don't want him upset.
My daughter loves me unconditionally, I know this. Yet she cannot reason why I am vomiting and physically shaking and crying through panic, when there is absolutely nothing in my life or house posing a threat to me!!
Hi dally, hopefully some of the suggestions given are ok ,about - what you can say in future - good luck
Mountainclimber
11-07-13, 11:32
Tell them your studying,when they ask what you studying, tell them university of life.
I'm 27 and never had a proper job.... well a job full stop. Social anxiety, OCD and depression have seen to that, as well as not even finishing school. I have spent the last few years trying to get some qualifications via college and university but it is slow going.
I hate this question of "what do you do / do you work" that people frequently ask as routine small talk. I always used to struggle and feel uncomfortable answering it but now I'm studying I say "student", even though I'm only part-time been studying 2 years and not 1/3rd of the way through my degree yet. Before the study it got to the stage where I would just lie.... or avoid the question with a "this and that" type of response.
It is none of their business whether you work or not or what you 'do' for a living. The media war on "benefit scroungers" makes us feel unnecessarily guilty and we should not buy into it at all.
Mental health problems are serious and a legitimate reason for not working when bad enough. There is no shame in this but it is also nobodys business to know. I'm sure most of us would happily agree to do the most crappy job in the world for the rest of our lives if someone could wave a magic wand and take the mental health problems away.
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