Xbox rage & anxiety

[MrsStobe13]

Hi folks,
I'm needing a bit of advice with this one. I'm married to a partial gamer and unfortunately I don't think his stress relief mechanisms are really helping my anxiety.

My hubby likes the occasional shooter game (MW3, COD, Battlefield etc) and takes it quite badly if he loses. I went for a cool 5 minute shower earlier as this heat worsens my anxiety ten-fold. In that time, I heard him crumple a beer can into an unrecognisable shape and thrown the Xbox controller into the TV unit.
I think he gets his anger issues from his Dad. I've been at his Dad's house when he's on the Xbox and he's a hellof a lot worse. His Dad will should and scream words far too sensitive to say here. My husband had used two on occasion and I soon told him off. I don't need to here these things.

The thing is when my husband starts shouting, screaming and throwing things it promotes my fight of flight response. I feel attacked, so my fight mode kicks in. I've had a year or two of violent intrusive thoughts and I've noticed these 'spike' when he starts ranting and raving. I'm trying to create a more positive vibe in my home with the use of calmer colours, water features and using visualization techniques when I feel anxious. I'm also using herbal supplements (legal ones!) to try and combat my feelings.

The problem is, there is nowhere else I can really go. My hubby brought a beanbag so he can sit in front of the TV and game. This means I have to sit in a lounge with a negative environment. We have a 1-bedroom flat but if I go and relax in the bedroom my husband will either follow me wanting to know why I walked away, or thing I'm trying to initiate something else.

Asides this he's fine. We do get on fine as a pair and he's normally supportive about my anxiety. I don't want to tell him he can't play the Xbox because it's his thing, his stress relief. I do play the Xbox occasionally myself but I do find it aggrevates my anxiety or actually makes me feel a bit motion sick! lol

Has anyone got any thoughts/experience to share? Like I say, I don't want to make a big deal of it, I just don't want to suffer with my anxiety more than I have to.

Thanks all!

MrsS x

[Anxious_gal]

Yeah some people really do get angry and upset if they loose, more than they should do really.
When you say you feel attacked, is his anger directed at you or towards the game?

The worst thing you can do is tell some one off for being angry. It adds fuel to the fire.
Sometimes it's ok to be angry, sometimes I get grumpy and people know to leave me to it until I chill out, but I never direct my anger to anyone.

It's not nice to be around someone who is in a bad mood, or to anticipate anger out bursts every time he plays a video game.

I don't know the whole story, but if he only gets angry towards the xbox, shouting and not doing anything dangerous .... In a way if that is his only stress relief maybe that could be a good he gets his anger out in a non violent way?

Or maybe the video games are triggering off his anger?

It really depends more on how bad he is, how angry he gets, and how much it affects you.

Do you have to be in the room with him when he plays? Maybe you could could read a book or something, or does he have an issue with you leaving the room?

How many hours does he game? Games are made to be addictive.

The ones he plays are multi-player so he can play them online with other players. So in one way if he looses while online playing that can damage his ego/appearance.

I don't much like people getting angry either but it can depend on the type of anger too.

Have you talked to your husband? Maybe ye two can compromise some how.

[MrsStobe13]

Hi Anxious_Gal, many thanks for your reply. To to answer some of the questions you've asked me:
The video games definitely trigger his anger. He's normally pretty calm otherwise. If he gets upset away from video games, it's usually flopping on the bed and isolating himself or crying spells if it's really got to him. He does launch his Ipod across the room if he's playing with it and it dies, then just tries to sleep off his temper.

I can leave the room, I'm always free to leave the room. But yes, he would have an issue if I left the room. He would follow me to ask what's wrong. If I told him his temper was scaring me (as I have done once before) he would unplug the Xbox and put it out of sight and out of mind. After that, he makes a concious effort to point out that he was a good boy and stayed calm with his games. That's sort of sweet and funny in a way, but it makes me feel like his Mum, not his wife.

The Xbox has been on most of today and is generally on in the evenings. He and my brother have recently swapped "gamertags" so they play a lot of games together these days. Again, I like that the family is getting on, but given he works 8:30-5 it leaves hardly any time for us as a couple. I'm sure he would actively make time for me if I asked, but it's nice to feel like he wants me sometimes, rather than that I'm demanding his time.

I have spoken to him and we have compromised before. Unfortunately though, it only lasted a few weeks.

Hope this helps

MrsS x

[NeilSimpson]

Hi,

Am a massive video gamer here, and I too get angyr/upset when I cant achieve what I want, like trying to catch a sodding spaceship LOL

Its not funny though and it adds to my own anxiety as I feel useless and rundown and get the sense of 'im never gonna be good at everything, I don't usually show my anger until im on my own but I have launched half full beer cans against the wall, broken control pads and earlier this year I picked up my ps2 and bounced it, needless to say it didn't work. My games of choice are Gran Turismo, LMa manager and all the final fantasy series

[MrsStobe13]

Hi NeilSimpson,
I distinctly remember an occasion during which I was playing Tomb Raider Underworld. I could not for the life of me grab the pillar and I got really agitated about that! I was blaming the console..but realistically, it was probably me!

I did have a moment the other day on the new TR game when I blasted about 14 guys to smitherines then said "rest in pieces".My husband and mate found it hilarious, but because of my intrusive thoughts I was sure I was turning myself into a heartless killer of sorts!

I do know what it's like to feel like you can't achieve anything, but you can. If you find it really difficult, make a list of everything you do, then list them in order of what you do best. Failing that, look back over all the awards/achievements/good grades you've had over the years. Sometimes you've got a talent you've never paid much attention to before! :-)

MrsS x

[Rennie1989]

I had an ex like that. It's frustrating. I've had numerous bf's and my dad and brother love playing games so I've seen temper raise through gaming but temper like that, in my opinion, is unacceptable. My OH will have an outburst at the TV, nothing too big, and if he says that word I hate he'll apologise, then that's it.

When he is calm maybe say to him that the weather is triggering your anxiety and you need him to be calm, maybe suggest playing games that don't make him so angry or don't play them at all when you're home.

[Speranza]

I taught a kid like this - he had huge anger problems and when I showed him stuff about Internet addiction he was horrified. Last kid in the world I would have thought would have cared less. Google it, and maybe leave a print-out somewhere...