Torn between two worlds and two beliefs

[Itsonlyme26]

When I was young I would go to church with my dad but I was never forced to go. As I grew into a teen I disliked going to church because I thought the idea of a man watching over the world is just silly , as it does to most people. However , now that I'm 27 years old i have really started to get into reading books about spirituality and all I do is keep thinking Jesus is the way for me but I still don't believe 100% , not yet anyway. I also keep getting drawn into satanism before you judge it is not evil as it is made out to be , read up on it. I feel drawn to Jesus because it makes me happy but at the same time I keep questioning everything and I am drawn to satanism because it is just basically living life without guilt or regret. I've seen countless of films saying religion is false but somehow I'm still not convinced but at the same time I'm still not convinced religion is true , that confuses me. If I was to read the bible I wouldn't become your typical believer and start preaching etc I would keep my faith , beliefs all to myself. I also wouldn't become a fanatic because let's face it that is just plain crazy , right ? But when I think of satanism its just 'humanism' which allows you to grow into your own person and have your own thoughts it also says there is nothing wrong with sex as long as its consented. So pretty much everyone is a satanic believer if you think about because it's all about living life to the full. So any suggestions on what I can do to resolve this conflict ?

[Speranza]

Well, I would suggest having a look at some other things too - I think making yourself choose between God and Satan is possibly you making it into more of a conflict than it needs to be. There is plenty of middle ground. For example, Paganism is a very spiritually satisfying way of life for a lot of people in the UK, they have websites and are very friendly.

Personally, I look back and see that my teenage rebellion (from a non-Church family) was into Christianity. I was happy there for almost 30 years before it no longer fitted who I became 'when I grew up'. :unsure:

I read introductory books about Buddhism, and was happy calling myself a 'Zen Christian' for a while. Now I don't label myself, I just pick what feels right for me. That is really hard after decades of being a fervent Christian, but for me it has been the right thing.

So my basic advice would be - there is a lot to explore, and no hurry. No pressure to 'get it right'. Do what you feel is right for you. Satanism may be your thing, but there are many other ideas to explore.

[Itsonlyme26]

Are there any books on paganism ? Are they easy/hard to understand ? You say there are other things to explore but what things ? I'm new to this so I feel reading these things that I could explore would be very hard to understand , considering they are probably ancient.

[Speranza]

Well tbh the Internet is a great place to start. Think of any religion/belief system, and google it with "Introduction to..."

Search using your town name as well, for local contacts.

I guess I began - as a Christian - simply by praying and listening to what was going on inside my own heart... followed my instincts.

There are some great, easy books introducing the ideas of Buddhism, and you could look at the Tao as well. It depends on your spiritual temperament. I am quite mystical by inclination, lots of people aren't. If you simply need space to sit and think, you might enjoy a Quaker Meeting - you literally just sit in silence, don't have to speak to anybody if you don't want - they are lovely, friendly people and many people I know began their spiritual journeys by visiting a Quaker Meeting (which is just a name for their Sunday Worship).

[B-Brain]

Hi itsonlyme!

Like Speranza says, find what works best for you. Your personal beliefs and relationship with a higher power don't necessarily have to conform to someone else's ideas. Personally, I think organised religion has caused society more harm than good. But I can certainly see the benefits of having a personal belief system from which to draw strength and comfort.

If you are interested in paganism, do a web search on Wicca.

All the best,
B

[mike83]

You can be spiritual without being religious. You sound a bit like an agnostic at the moment. I was thinking Quakers too are pretty close to what you describe. Or maybe you just want to be a Humanist. You don't have to 'be' anything though.

[Itsonlyme26]

That's true I don't have to 'be' anything but when your mind won't drop the subject and your feelings are always attached to this subject , it's kind of hard to think that way. I'm not in anyway hoping or wanting to be anything I'm just reading lots and lots about spirituality and new age books , which has opened up my eyes. The best book I have read so far is eckhart tolles ' A new earth ' this book really did wake me up to what is happening to the planet we live on. However , I have tried to go deeper by reading books that require a lot of attention and study but I usually give up due to them being so hard to read and understand. I don't want to spend all my time reading books I actually want to practise something and see where that leads me but I have no idea what to practise ?

[Speranza]

I think meditation would be a great place to start. If you google 'guided meditation' you will find loads of audio/video files which you can use to try it out. Personally I don't use the ones by people whose voices irritate me by being too treacly sweet... just my personal preference though!