MrsStobe13
13-07-13, 16:16
Hi folks,
Following the guidance of many on here I purchased Brain Lock on my Ipod last night. It was a stingy near £7 but I have to say it's been a beneficial purchase and helped me grasp coping with these thoughts.
However, my problem now is that I don't think I have intrusive thoughts, having read up to the point at which the book mentions Jeffrey Dahmer being obsessive I've started to panic myself. My thoughts are occasionally "video clips" in my mind, but occasionally my "inner voice". What frightens me is that it feels like it's me saying them. Some samples might include:
"(name person) better do (named requested task) or I will kill them for it"
or
"I can't cope with him losing his temper at the Xbox. I'm going to lose it in a minute and kill him", after which I get the visualisations of me stomping into the kitchen, grabbing a knife and fatally stabbing my husband.
Everytime I get these thoughts I feel my heart rate increase dramatically. I went for a walk to get electricity on Thursday and I was sure I was going to kill my friend when I got back. All I could think was "this is it, today is the day, somebody is going to die when I get home". In the shop I thought I was going to randomly swing at the shop assistant and I felt like I was going to lost control and punch the guy who dared to walk around me at the crossing. Some idiot was squirting a water pistol out of a car window and caught me across the arm and face. At first that sent me into a mood, then I was sure the water pistol contained acid and I was sure that it was causing my skin to sting (I have had acid spilt on me in a bullying incident before).
I should point out that past week has been particularly horrific for me. I've been on Noriday for 2 months and I've been increasingly angry in that time. This week I've also had the sweltering temperatures and PMS to add to the concuction. The intrusive thoughts before were more of a "what if" I did this. In the past two months they've been more of a feeling of losing control. I also got married back in May and the last few weeks were very stressful. With my harm thoughts I'm having a tough time accepting that I love my husband (even though I do, and know I do, that was all to clear on our wedding day!). I've Googled my thoughts and feelings countless times and read into signs of serial killers. I got to the point I was convincing myself I should be institutionalised because I was a risk to other people. Since starting to read Brain Lock, I have been able to say "No, this is not me, this is not something I want to do, I am not going to listen to it" but the doubt still remains. Am I treating my mind simply as having OCD when this inner voice is acting angry at people? How long before I lose my cool and act in a violent way?
I guess I am classically OCD. Everything you read says that there is no guarantee you will not act, and there's me sitting here going "yes, maybe Ill be that one who does act, does kill someone and does go to prison for it" and yet, when I get the thoughts I sit there and think "Nuh uh! No! I don't want to do that!". My biggest problem is that for so long the way I've coped is to avoid knives (my worst obsession is the thought of stabbing loved ones) and to chew Rescue Remedy pastilles A LOT. Today, I'm trying to resist the urge to chew the pastilles as I associate them with calm feelings, even for a short while. I'm also trying to stay busy with housework, though everytime I go into the kitchen I glare at the knife block, for some reason believing that I might somehow be magnetised to it. I can't stand things like the news or soaps as there's too much negativity, too much murder and war and it feeds my obsessions. I also used to know somebody who went to prison for an armed robbery so I started to think I might lose my cool and act like him.
I've been off of hormones for 4 days now and I think it's made an improvement. I am already not obsessing as much but still worry about the way in which these thoughts plague my mind, ie the "inner voice". I have noticed that Brain Lock refers a lot to some of the more "classic" OCDs (contamination, hoarding etc) and flits very lightly over the recovery of a sufferer with violent obsessions. I have also got an obsession with rifling through my hair for nits, having contracted them from a neighbour as a child. Even things like bits of dirt/grit from unknown sources feel like lice eggs to me and I go to lengths to fish it out. I remember when my Nan noticed me doing it one day and she told me off for it, pointing out that it "wasn't nice".
My family, friends and husband are now aware of the living torture I face with my thoughts. Though my husband means well he keeps telling me that I won't do it, unfortunately this does add to my frustration. My Mum is persistent that I am autistic and have been all my life. She thinks that my thoughts are a sign of Asperger's Syndrome and that I should get a diagnosis before it's too late. I have been diagnosed as anxious, but nobody will diagnose autism. My best friend keeps making comments like "You could always kill him", "If you do kill him I'll be your alibi" or "If you do kill him you could always blame it on a lack of sleep". It might seem funny, but during the "what if" phases of a panic attack these thoughts are counter-productive. I'm sure all these people close to me mean well, but these comments only exaggerate my anxiety.
I'd be interested to hear from anyone else who's intrusive thoughts are like these and how you're coping with dealing with them. Frankly, I'm finding NMP, Brain Lock and St John's Wort very helpful already. I think the rest from here is waiting for this heat to subside and waiting for the synthetic hormones to remove themselves from my system. Hopefully soon I'll be a calmer, happier person :-)
Thanks all and sorry for the long post (again!)
MrsS x
Following the guidance of many on here I purchased Brain Lock on my Ipod last night. It was a stingy near £7 but I have to say it's been a beneficial purchase and helped me grasp coping with these thoughts.
However, my problem now is that I don't think I have intrusive thoughts, having read up to the point at which the book mentions Jeffrey Dahmer being obsessive I've started to panic myself. My thoughts are occasionally "video clips" in my mind, but occasionally my "inner voice". What frightens me is that it feels like it's me saying them. Some samples might include:
"(name person) better do (named requested task) or I will kill them for it"
or
"I can't cope with him losing his temper at the Xbox. I'm going to lose it in a minute and kill him", after which I get the visualisations of me stomping into the kitchen, grabbing a knife and fatally stabbing my husband.
Everytime I get these thoughts I feel my heart rate increase dramatically. I went for a walk to get electricity on Thursday and I was sure I was going to kill my friend when I got back. All I could think was "this is it, today is the day, somebody is going to die when I get home". In the shop I thought I was going to randomly swing at the shop assistant and I felt like I was going to lost control and punch the guy who dared to walk around me at the crossing. Some idiot was squirting a water pistol out of a car window and caught me across the arm and face. At first that sent me into a mood, then I was sure the water pistol contained acid and I was sure that it was causing my skin to sting (I have had acid spilt on me in a bullying incident before).
I should point out that past week has been particularly horrific for me. I've been on Noriday for 2 months and I've been increasingly angry in that time. This week I've also had the sweltering temperatures and PMS to add to the concuction. The intrusive thoughts before were more of a "what if" I did this. In the past two months they've been more of a feeling of losing control. I also got married back in May and the last few weeks were very stressful. With my harm thoughts I'm having a tough time accepting that I love my husband (even though I do, and know I do, that was all to clear on our wedding day!). I've Googled my thoughts and feelings countless times and read into signs of serial killers. I got to the point I was convincing myself I should be institutionalised because I was a risk to other people. Since starting to read Brain Lock, I have been able to say "No, this is not me, this is not something I want to do, I am not going to listen to it" but the doubt still remains. Am I treating my mind simply as having OCD when this inner voice is acting angry at people? How long before I lose my cool and act in a violent way?
I guess I am classically OCD. Everything you read says that there is no guarantee you will not act, and there's me sitting here going "yes, maybe Ill be that one who does act, does kill someone and does go to prison for it" and yet, when I get the thoughts I sit there and think "Nuh uh! No! I don't want to do that!". My biggest problem is that for so long the way I've coped is to avoid knives (my worst obsession is the thought of stabbing loved ones) and to chew Rescue Remedy pastilles A LOT. Today, I'm trying to resist the urge to chew the pastilles as I associate them with calm feelings, even for a short while. I'm also trying to stay busy with housework, though everytime I go into the kitchen I glare at the knife block, for some reason believing that I might somehow be magnetised to it. I can't stand things like the news or soaps as there's too much negativity, too much murder and war and it feeds my obsessions. I also used to know somebody who went to prison for an armed robbery so I started to think I might lose my cool and act like him.
I've been off of hormones for 4 days now and I think it's made an improvement. I am already not obsessing as much but still worry about the way in which these thoughts plague my mind, ie the "inner voice". I have noticed that Brain Lock refers a lot to some of the more "classic" OCDs (contamination, hoarding etc) and flits very lightly over the recovery of a sufferer with violent obsessions. I have also got an obsession with rifling through my hair for nits, having contracted them from a neighbour as a child. Even things like bits of dirt/grit from unknown sources feel like lice eggs to me and I go to lengths to fish it out. I remember when my Nan noticed me doing it one day and she told me off for it, pointing out that it "wasn't nice".
My family, friends and husband are now aware of the living torture I face with my thoughts. Though my husband means well he keeps telling me that I won't do it, unfortunately this does add to my frustration. My Mum is persistent that I am autistic and have been all my life. She thinks that my thoughts are a sign of Asperger's Syndrome and that I should get a diagnosis before it's too late. I have been diagnosed as anxious, but nobody will diagnose autism. My best friend keeps making comments like "You could always kill him", "If you do kill him I'll be your alibi" or "If you do kill him you could always blame it on a lack of sleep". It might seem funny, but during the "what if" phases of a panic attack these thoughts are counter-productive. I'm sure all these people close to me mean well, but these comments only exaggerate my anxiety.
I'd be interested to hear from anyone else who's intrusive thoughts are like these and how you're coping with dealing with them. Frankly, I'm finding NMP, Brain Lock and St John's Wort very helpful already. I think the rest from here is waiting for this heat to subside and waiting for the synthetic hormones to remove themselves from my system. Hopefully soon I'll be a calmer, happier person :-)
Thanks all and sorry for the long post (again!)
MrsS x