Had enough.

[jayjoe18]

I'm missing out on yet another family BBQ, the fourth now. I missed out on family day theme park last weekend, I haven't done anything with my life since my holiday/college in 2010. I'm in tears. I feel so guilty that I can't spend time with family, everyone always says how they miss me but at this point everyone is just used to me not going to things. I have a little sister who I should be the role model to, take out shopping and I can't. I wan't my mum to be proud of me again, I wan't her to not have to worry and just be able to have a normal daughter. I have a big brother and I can't even visit his huse 5 mins away anymore! wonderful step family who have brought me up as their own since I was a baby and I can't spend time with them even after all they have done. i'm an auntie too, she loves me but pretty soon she'll be older and will wonder where I am all the time. I don't even have friends anymore! I've only just turned 20 and I have no friends! I feel so embarrassed, lonely, I just can't put into words how horrible it feels to read on Facebook of the brilliant lives of the people who used to be my friends, best friends. Just everyone in general. I watch everyone else go through life and I'm just stuck. No change. I sit at home bored, upset, this isn't the life I invisioned for myself! I feel so guilty and I hate myself for feeling sorry for myself because I know people have things much worse, I just can't help the way I feel. I went to Asda today, I tried, but I only lasted a few minutes before panic set in. What is the point? I can't do something so simple as going to a shop without feeling so nervous, how am I ever going to go to university, go to events, nights out, make friends have a relationship!?!? Even if I do manage to do these things I know I'll never be able to fully enjoy them with this anxiety. I'm just so tierd and fed up, I want to change I really do, but the therapy isn't working or isn't working quick enough and I'm petrified of taking meds, I feel like it's become a borderline phobia. I'm in tears but even that has become a struggle, I just feel tierd, numb. I don't know what to do.

[Sparkle1984]

I'm sorry you're struggling so much. I understand how it is to feel left out of things.

Try not to be too hard on yourself - you should be proud that you managed to get to Asda, even if you didn't feel able to stay for long. Over time, you'll gradually be able to spend longer out of your home. I'm sure your family still loves you regardless of your anxiety. I think you mentioned in a previous post that your mother also suffers from anxiety - if so, I'm sure she'll understand how you feel.

You also mentioned recently that you were interested in trying Cipralex/escitalopram. You could ask your doctor to prescribe it to you in liquid form, so you can build up the dose very slowly. If you explain that you are very sensitive to medication, they should let you have the liquid form. You would put drops of it in a drink such as orange juice, so you won't notice so much that you're taking it. In this way, you could gradually increase at the rate of 1mg a week or so.

[aggiecuttler]

hi i can understand not wanting meds but in your case they would help even you out and get you back to living a normal life, also talking to a dr would help also, you are not on your own with this we are all here to help you along blessings

[Col]

Hi jay joe - my heart goes out 2 you, I think the majority of us can seriously relate to the desperation & helplessness , your feeling.

Infact sometimes words can not describe the utter despare of suffering GAD & the impact it has on every part of your life.

Don't be to hard on yourself, things will improve with time. Life tests us all in some way at some point in time - things will imrprove your only young, there will be plenty more BBQs & by you stressing about everyone one else & how you think it looks , your putting yourself under more pressure & prolonging your recovery.
:flowers:

[Stormsky]

Your putting too much pressure on yourself to be the perfect daughter, sister...
It's that kind of pressure that causes Anx in some to begin with.
I'm no fan of meds, but they do help people to live day to day life by masking the anxiety, so you can get out again and enjoy things.

[Jennifer8907]

First of all what you are feeling and experiencing is not your fault :hugs: have you been seeing therapist for long? These things take time especially when your feeling so low in yourself.

Never feel quilty about what you think family members think or expect of you! I bet they think the total opposite of it :) times seem really tuff for you at the moment but just remember when your so low the only way you can go is up :)

Seems like a long time away but just picture where you want to be in 6 months even a year down the line and work towards that goal with your therapist try not to think oh I want to feel like this in a few weeks because you will end up beating yourself up like your not getting anywhere :/

I know medication can be abit fighting with the dude effects some can cause but maybe if you just go on a low dose and take it from there :) hope you feel a little better soon xxx

---------- Post added at 22:13 ---------- Previous post was at 22:12 ----------

Dude effects imagine that haha side effects I ment silly me :noangel::wacko:

[Peru83]

Hey,

Try not to focus so much on what you think others have or expect!

It sounds to me like you have drifted from a time where you were more engaged and social. The best thing for you to do, is to get back out there, but easier said than done! i know this only too well... it's scary huh? you dont know how to make the first step! will everyone see there is something 'wrong' with you? do you still remember how to be social? o.O

I had my first child at 18, lost contact with alll friends, moved to a city where I knew no-one and a man that was abt as much use as a chocolate tea pot! Eventually something had to give..I left him, moved back to my home town and joined college...that was probably the hardest struggle I went through since being diagnosed with GAD/Depression...but singly the best choice I made!

When the time is right for you, you will be back out there with friends and family being social! For now youneed to focus on making yourself feel better. By the sounds of things your making all the right steps towards it. Change wont happen over night, it will take time. Lots of little steps and you'll get there :-)

Oh and do not judge your own life based on your FB news feed! everyones life 'claims' to be perfwct on there, but trust me even they have problems! These people with their seeming perfect existance, just have a great spin on the good moments...no-one likes to post abt the bad stuff

[jayjoe18]

Thank you everyone for your responses, you really don't know how much reading all those helped. I've not been on here for a little while as I just have felt so down but I did read all your replies as they came in. I'm still feeling quite down if I'm honest, yet another BBQ tonight!! I love this weather but I think it's contributing to my low mood at the moment as I'm starting to realise what I'm missing out on. I've also sort of fallen out with my mum, because of how anxiety is effecting my moods, which is totally understandable I know I'm not easy to live with at all. I'm just so glad to know I can come on here as I don't want to talk about it anymore to anyone close to me. It's gone on for too long and I think they are sick of it. I'm sick of it. I know I'm probably putting too much pressure on myself, it just worries me that this is the point in my life where I should be free to do anything and have fun whilst I'm young. I really do feel like I can't breathe when I think about everything, I feel like I'm constantly sinking and don't know where to turn. I know what I need to do: go to the doctors and try medication, but I can't for the life of me make myself do it! Surely it shouldn't be this difficult? Honestly, am I just being a baby?

I did make it to the dentist on Thursday and I was absolutely petrified. Normally I'd feel great at the achievement but I didn't feel anything this time. I was so unbelievably scared I didn't think I'd make it, I've ended up with chest pains since because of the stress so I don't think that's helped either. It seems the stress and physical symptoms of anxiety are starting to effect me more as time goes on and I hate putting my body under that physical strain all the time for silly little things.

Something has got to change, I really just want to slap myself right now!


I'm sorry you're struggling so much. I understand how it is to feel left out of things.

Try not to be too hard on yourself - you should be proud that you managed to get to Asda, even if you didn't feel able to stay for long. Over time, you'll gradually be able to spend longer out of your home. I'm sure your family still loves you regardless of your anxiety. I think you mentioned in a previous post that your mother also suffers from anxiety - if so, I'm sure she'll understand how you feel.

You also mentioned recently that you were interested in trying Cipralex/escitalopram. You could ask your doctor to prescribe it to you in liquid form, so you can build up the dose very slowly. If you explain that you are very sensitive to medication, they should let you have the liquid form. You would put drops of it in a drink such as orange juice, so you won't notice so much that you're taking it. In this way, you could gradually increase at the rate of 1mg a week or so.

Thank you Sparkle, I didn't know that anti anxiety meds were available in liquid form, I've never really bothered to check to be honest but I think that would probably be perfect for me! Do you think there are less side effects if you take it this way increasing at such small doses? Probably a question to ask my doctor but I always feel so rushed and forget things!


Hi jay joe - my heart goes out 2 you, I think the majority of us can seriously relate to the desperation & helplessness , your feeling.

Infact sometimes words can not describe the utter despare of suffering GAD & the impact it has on every part of your life.

Don't be to hard on yourself, things will improve with time. Life tests us all in some way at some point in time - things will imrprove your only young, there will be plenty more BBQs & by you stressing about everyone one else & how you think it looks , your putting yourself under more pressure & prolonging your recovery.
:flowers:

I agree Col, I struggled myself to put into words how I'm feeling but utter despair just about sums it up right now! Thank you for your words :hugs:


First of all what you are feeling and experiencing is not your fault :hugs: have you been seeing therapist for long? These things take time especially when your feeling so low in yourself.

Never feel quilty about what you think family members think or expect of you! I bet they think the total opposite of it :) times seem really tuff for you at the moment but just remember when your so low the only way you can go is up :)

Seems like a long time away but just picture where you want to be in 6 months even a year down the line and work towards that goal with your therapist try not to think oh I want to feel like this in a few weeks because you will end up beating yourself up like your not getting anywhere :/

I know medication can be abit fighting with the dude effects some can cause but maybe if you just go on a low dose and take it from there :) hope you feel a little better soon xxx

---------- Post added at 22:13 ---------- Previous post was at 22:12 ----------

Dude effects imagine that haha side effects I ment silly me :noangel::wacko:

Hi Jennifer, thanks so much for your reply! Hahah I just have to say 'dude effects' made me smile (and I haven't felt like smiling for a while!) :roflmao:

I've been going to therapy on and off since being about 14-15 years old and I've had CBT twice (which I'm still doing) although with the CBT is only focused on one problem at a time and social anxiety has never been addressed, only the phobias it's caused. I'ts never really worked though apart from for my health anxiety. But I don't know how much it would work for social anxiety as this is the original and longest standing problem.

That's a really good idea, I think that's my problem I want to be fixed quickly and get back to normal but that's impossible, sadly :weep: I'm going to write down some goals and start with baby steps. Fingers crossed.

[Sparkle1984]

Yes I think there probably would be less side effects if you increase at such small doses. It's best to see what your doctor says though. I think these liquid meds were designed to help ease people into medication, and to help people wean off it as well.

[jayjoe18]

Thanks for getting back to me Sparkle, I think I'll ask the doctor and see what she says, might also post a thread, see if anyone has any experience with it! :)

[Jennifer8907]

Glad I made up smile :) yes take one day at a time Rome wasn't built in a day! Don't be so hard on yourself... Remember no one is perfect that's what makes us unique chin up and try your best say something positive to yourself each day then eventually you may start to think positive instead of negative :) GOOD LUCK you can and will get there in the end! Xxx

[McCann]

just to re-itterate what others have said - i would seriously go to the doctors and get some meds and get your life back - hope this works out for you

[LollyPolly]

hi Jay - i certainly know how feel :weep: I am a percentage of what i was and struggling on daily basis... i also tried the non med path for a long time. but i'm starting to think that it may have been a mistake. i think if caught early it wouldn't have developed in what it is now.... i may be wrong, but that's how i feel about it. plus (i know you're probably heard this quite a few times) but different meds have different effects. i know its early days for me (on citalopram for a few days only) but i remember when i tried sertraline, i thought i was going to die with SE... citalopram (at least up till now) seems to not give me much trouble at all... so maybe it's all true, maybe you just need to find the right ones for you.

in any case, i wish all the best and hopefully one day, we'll all be over this nightmare. good night xxx