Long term agoraphobics

[mike83]

I've been agoraphobic for about 15 years now, half of my life. I have accepted that this is all I will ever be. Are there any other long term agoraphobics who just feel stuck and have 0 self esteem?

I regret losing my teens and 20's and missing out on experiences but I'm just so apathetic and have no motivation. This is all I've known for a long time, I wouldn't know how to function if I didn't have it now.

There's nothing I really want to do or be so I don't bother with anything. I wonder if this is because I never really had a life to build any foundations before the agoraphobia (just childhood which was fairly OK, I was very shy and had bad OCD) so I don't know what I'm missing.

Although if I was truly happy like this then I wouldn't have depression and suicidal ideation. I've been wondering if I have avoidant personality disorder, it seems to fit. can anyone relate?

[fishman65]

Hi Mike,

I can certainly relate.I'm 48 now and have had anxiety/depression since I was 20.Though I haven't been totally agoraphobic in that time,I've had enough periods of being housebound to understand what you are saying.

My wife and I are due to go shopping tomorrow and there are times when I wish I had no commitments,that I could just stop in the house and not have to go through the anxiety-inducing situations.In all honesty,its only the presence of my wife that is enabling me to get out and about,though she suffers with physical health problems and can't get out like she used to,thus my life tends to reflect hers.

Are there any social groups such as Mind where you are? That's where I met my wife many years ago.I hope you find some outlet but in the meantime,know that you are not alone.

Take care, Fishy

[mike83]

Hi Fishman (Do you like fishing?)

Thanks for the reply.

Have you been able to work since you were 20? That's good that your wife makes you go out, I don't really have that but I do have to go out on Tuesdays, I go to a charity run workshop to learn skills, a lot of people there are physically disabled rather than have mental illness though so I feel a bit out of place as they are quite social. It took quite a lot of effort by my OT to get me to go there!

I have been to MIND a few times but I had a support worker then, I just did one activity there for a few months. I'm not really one to put myself in social situations when I don't have to :shrug:

Take care
Mike

[kittikat]

I can totally relate to your post too Mike. I know many things from my childhood through to my late 20's contributed to making me the anxious person I am today. I found it very hard to come to terms with the label 'agoraphobic' when I was diagnosed, yet deep inside I knew I was - but perhaps in denial.

I feel that apathy and lack of motivation are possibly not the cause...is that not just how we see ourselves when we use avoidance as a way of coping? For a long time I questioned my motivation and worried I was not like other 'normal' people, taking life as it came and enjoying all the normal things one might expect to do in their leisure time. I found this so difficult (why couldn't I do these things too?) but I didn't realise why or how much I was missing out on life.

But again, as you say, I know no different and there is nothing I really want to do anyway...yes, I guess that is an avoidant personality and a trait we use to protect ourselves. I have long gotten over feeling like I am missing out and just accept that this is how I am.

I made some progress with CBT and my medication has slowly helped me to start to rebuild my confidence and self esteem. Yet sometimes I feel there is something missing from my life but I really don't know what it is. To a point I am happy in my own little world, my small comfort zone, but as you say why then do I suffer depression and negative thoughts?

The mind is such a complex and powerful thing...as much as I think all this I always try to stay as positive as I can and I am not unhappy if that makes sense.

Kitti :)

[mike83]

Hi Kitti

I'm not sure if I have been diagnosed as agoraphobic or not, social anxiety and depression I know and possibly GAD. Some people call what I have toilet phobia, I often feel the need to go to the toilet when out and I hate using public toilets too! But its got worse with the panic attacks which can happen anytime but mostly if I am away from home, or my parents are away (separation anxiety maybe)

I don't really understand how I can be in a shop and not really notice myself feeling anxious but then the urge comes on and I need to go right then. After a while I stopped going out altogether. I can go out down the town with my dad but I don't often and I go to the workshop place but that's about it. My family went to the beach the other day but I didn't go as its about 30 miles away. I am usually OK staying by myself in the day time but don't like being by myself at night time.

I've been on some sort of anti depressant for 15 years I think, tried a few but nothing seems to work, even on max doses. Maybe they stop me getting really bad, I don't know. I'm sure they make me put on more weight as well.

I often feel as though no one cares, I suppose my parents do but they just let me be now, they have accepted it like me. I do someone want a close friend in real life but then others I am thankful I'm on my own.

I did some CBT many years ago, but it just seemed basic stuff that's common sense, I did a few things I was uncomfortable with like public transport, didn't really help, perhaps I needed to do it more often.

I'm happy in my small world too to a point, if I just had the motivation to do things, even things I like doing I don't, not sure why, takes a lot of effort. I get stressed about benefits too.

How do you stay positive?

[kittikat]

I'm not really sure how I stay positive...I like my own company and I have a great family who are there if I need them. I think I have just accepted that this is how I am and the realisation is that I either live this way positively or I have no life at all and I stay in a negative state. That is not good for me or my anxiety.

I have done a couple of things recently that have helped to push my boundaries and to be honest the anticipation has been far worse than the actual deed itself. I always carry my emergency survival kit -water, sweets and diazepam for emergencies!! Not that I go far...but I have to plan everything and be prepared.

My therapist made me write a list of things I wanted to do that would take me out of my comfort zone. Well there wasn't much on the list lol, but we then scored them from most difficult to easiest. I had to work through the list over a period of weeks. Some things I couldn't manage but some I did (I went and got a small tattoo on my own and I got to my brothers house nearly 60 miles away at Christmas :scared15: something I thought I could never do). The thing is not to be hard on yourself. If you manage something, however small, it is an achievement and you should be very proud of yourself. If you don't...well it's not the end of the world so nothing lost ;)

Maybe you could enquire about another course of CBT? My last lot was far better than the first sessions I had 7 years ago and I got so much more from it this time around.

Good luck :)

[mike83]

I think I could stay positive if it weren't for a few things not related to agoraphobia, I used to feel jealous when I would hear about people having fun and relationships etc, but for the most part I have accepted how I am now. Maybe I sometimes stay negative to punish myself too.

I have recently starting carrying around the diazepam I had from 2010 which I think is now probably out of date. I only took it twice before, first time it did nothing and second time I took 2 and I just felt drunk and didn't really like that feeling, I don't really remember feeling much better. But I guess now it makes me feel a bit safer :shrug:

CBT, possibly, though I usually don't do things until I'm forced! :lac: