Knife block

[MrsStobe13]

Hi folks,
As some of you are aware, I suffer with harm thoughts of stabbing my husband, sometimes my friend and her 3yo son and sometimes my family. At the moment, the anxiety these thoughts cause me is quite disabling. I am wondering therefore whether it would lessen my anxiety if I just put the knives in a cutlery rack in the drawer? Out of sight, out of mind.

Whilst I don't really like the idea of giving in to my urges, I do sometimes wonder if having a knife block is causing me more anxiety than it's worth. It was an idea we had to make our kitchen look a bit more professional, but with my harm thoughts it's causing me a hell of a lot of anguish.

If nothing more than for a short while. Expose myself to it slowly once I'm coping better with these thoughts. At the moment I have to shut the kitchen door when my thoughts get really bad. For some reason, putting the door between myself and the knife block creates a 'boundary', and thus my thoughts lessen. I can't live with the kitchen door closed because our dog won't be able to get to his water if I did.

My hubby wants one of those magnetic utensil bars to hang up in our kitchen. To me, with the big carving knife and stuff they look so evil. I've always wanted my kitchen to look professional but I really am wondering whether it's just a step too far for me, and by having these things I'm worsening my anxiety. It wasn't a problem for me at first, but for two years now it's been the burden of my life. I'm trying to work on some of the ideas in The Imp Of The Mind but I really feel it's huge leaps and not small steps. After all, at the moment so much as the sight of a knife is setting me off. I feel happier in myself on St John's wort but I've had the intrusive thoughts tonight, to the point I started to hear my inner concience taunt me with "oh my God! You were really going to do it, weren't you?! You were really going to kill your husband!" I'm losing my cool with these thoughts and in this heat I'm feeling closer and closer to flipping. Yesterday I felt so good, so well, coped so well with distracing myself. Tonight I managed to watch Undercover Boss and then BANG! It set in so deep and so hard. I really do feel like I'm a danger to my husband if I carry on the way I feel. I've been to the doc several times but each time I seem to be seen by a different doc and I seem to be going around in circles. Can A&E help me with this? I really do feel like I need to get some urgent intervention before it's too late.

Thanks all for reading, I just wish things went well and stayed well

MrsS x

[theharvestmouse]

I don't think its somthing A&E could help you with but I would contact your GP a.s.a.p to tell them your worries.

[MrsStobe13]

Problem with that is my regular GP is away until October. I've been seen by 3 other doctors since I last saw him, i really do feel like I'm going around in circles with them.

MrsS x

[shotokansho]

A&E CAN help. You can present there and ask to speak to the on duty psychiatrist or the crisis team if you feel that desperate. I have presented at A&E many times and received good help.
However you can go to your GP depending on how desperate you feel.
Hope you feel better soon.

Kez x

[MrsStobe13]

Hi Kez, many thanks for your help. I'm sure a lot of it is this blistering heat. Heat + anxiety means that my skin is prickling and I'm sensing that as anger/danger. I've had 2 nights of bad sleep so maybe some tiredness, too? When I play events over in my head ie grabbing a knife to kill my husband, I know that I would merely drop it, sit on the floor and cry, why must we be tortured by such thoughts?!

One thing I have discovered is that St John's Wort is great for depression, but not anxiety. I know you can take Kalms for a month without it being a problem, whether it might help take the edge off in this weather I don't know. There's people loving this sun, and there's me complaining about it! Argh!

MrsS x