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View Full Version : High n Low... Up n Down...Anxiety/Depression/Panic



buggy999
28-06-04, 13:21
Hello everyone, Before I start let me apologies in advance for the length of this post because I know it will be a long one. I've put a couple of entries on this website before… in the past. Everyone who replied to my previous posts helped me through the hardest 4 months of my life and the worst 4 months…. I can never think you enough.
That was about 9-10 months ago. At the time of my previous posts I was experiencing something very new to me and very scary. I had a very intense Panic attack followed by 4 months of intense anxiety (this was at it's worse at work) and then followed by depression as the anxiety slowly, slowly faded. All this made my social and working life hell. But I kept on going through help from family and girlfriend.
I went to see the doctor when I was at my worst and she put on citralopram as she believed I was suffering from depression as well as anxiety. I stopped taking these as they made me feel dizzy and sick which prevented me from carrying out my job. I went back to the doctor and she put my on prozac which only made me feel even worse… so I stopped these as well. Then I started to feel much better all round a few weeks later. So about 4 months after the initial panic attack I felt normal for the first time.
Then about one month later the same happened again! Panic attack for no reason and then anxiety (though this time not quite as scary and intense… as I knew what it was). I went to the doctor who gave me beta blockers which worked brilliantly at stopping the panic/anxiety feeling that plagued me. Well it's now been 5 months since that last panic attack and I still feel like I'm an emotional roller-coaster and have done the whole time.
One day I can feel alright and the next day I have to stop myself from crying over the tiniest things while set at my desk in work! The slightest mistake at work or socially and I feel like my world has fallen on top of me and thoughts of suicide enter my head… even though I'm 99.9% sure I would never harm myself… then 1 hour later I could feel perfectly ok again! That quickly!
I'm obsessed with what people think about me (always have been) and how I'm perceived by others and constantly think that everyone see's the worst in me. My confidence is rock bottom and the slightest thing sends my emotions spiraling out of control. I've been self-medicating with cannabis and alcohol which I know doesn't help matters. It's just a release from all these emotions.
All I want is to be normal again. Be able to make a mistake at work without tumbling into deep depression afterward. Be able to talk to someone I don't know 100% without feeling completely uncomfortable. I don't want any anti-depressants I as feel they only mask problems and don't resolve them. But I don't know what my problem is.
I've had quite an unhappy childhood through moving area's and schools a lot and abusing drugs. Years back at about the age of 18 in front of all my friends I was made to look rdiculous by someone and fell into deep depression after that for a long time... fearing my friends didn't think as much of me following that night and my opinion of myself fell through the floor... I feel as though the mental scar this lad created may never have healed properly... sounds stupid I know.
But now I'm very successful in my job for someone of my age (23) and own my own house, car and have a great girlfriend, enough friends (though I seem to prefer to be on my own more often nowadays and don’t go out nearly as much through fear of something happening socially that shatter me even more...again). I get told a lot I'm very handsome (though I always doubt it and myself). I’m definitely an alpha-male… but nowadays feel less and less so. So you could say I have everything going my way and I've feel quite selfish in writing this as I know a lot of people on this website my not be as fortunate as me... but I'm still here moaning on.
I just don't seem able to shake this permanently. It's nearly been with me for about a year. Should I talk to a counselor? Should I go against my beliefs and s

N206
28-06-04, 13:42
Hi
read through your post and i can relate to alot of what you said,apart from the drug abuse bit.
i go on a rollercoaster and ive been like it since i was 14.until the beginnig of this year ive still managed to "function" with jobs and socially.Now i dont work and going out is a struggle. not much fun when your only 20 and you can see all your mates living life to the full.
Ive been on citalipram too, and i cant get along with drugd prescribed to me.
im trying hypnotherapy,but havent seen much difference yet,but i think you would benefit from some professional guidence or councelling,what have you got to lose? Getting it off your chest a bit and teaching you some coping techniques might help. it has for me in the past before i got this bad.You dont want it to get such a hold of you that you have to stop working etc..
Talk to your dr about some therapy,or natural remedies??
hope you feel better soon,
nic x

Your stronger than you'll ever know,you control your own world.

Meg
28-06-04, 15:23
Buggy,

Firstly so well done for managing to overcome the panic... Brilliant

No need for apologies - it takes what space it takes and with little information from you its hard to help

Meds can help enormously but they mask not cure and as you've managed so well I think you'll be fine with your betablockers alone and some hefty work on your part ..

I would strongly suggest that you get some Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. You can get referred by your GP and wait or pay for a few sessions yourself.

Your self esteem and internal thought patterns will be at the root of the majority of your issues.

A couple of examples you give immediately are :

I'm obsessed with what people think about me (always have been)

fearing my friends didn't think as much of me

through fear of something happening socially that shatter me even more...again

The slightest mistake at work or socially and I feel like my world has fallen on top of me

I've feel quite selfish in writing this


This is all about your thoughts, attitudes and beliefs.

The fact that you can and have managed your panic shows you can get through this well . Another really great thing about you is your ability to bounce back in a few short hours .. Recovery is not measured in time between events but by severity of events and time to recovery so you're doing well here .

The suicidal thoughts are just thoughts and nothing more - we're taught by soaps and the media that when feel like my world has fallen on top of me that desperate thoughts come next . Take no notice of them

CBT will show you where you're continuing to injure yourself with these patterns and then feel the emotional sideeffects of this.

You already know from previously that cannabis and alcohol will actively be making you worse - your choice.

There is an element of inherited anxiety but it too is overcomable. You may be more prone to it but you may hav elearn well form your Mum or it may be in the genes but recovery is still possible - learning the tools and skills necessary to cope with it.

Meanwhile:
for a Big read ' Feeling Good' David Burns
For a Quick read ' What to say when you talk to yourself'
Shad Helmsletter

You are doing fine - you just need a bit of tweaking..
and moving on to the next level of recovery

Let us know what you decide to do.












Meg

'There can only be true courage when first there is genuine fear'

Dr.David Livingstone

seh1980
28-06-04, 16:45
Hello there,

It sounds like you have been through a very rough time!! It's harsh that you didn't find any of the medications useful. The only thing I can think of suggesting is therapy. I see a therapist every week and she has helped me loads. You would be amazed at how much better you feel after talking to someone. Good luck!!

Sarah (seh1980)

notts110
28-06-04, 18:36
hi buggy, i tend to agree with the rest here, although i cant help but ask the question which is, ''have you discussed this with your girlfriend'' you do not mention as having done so, and i was just wondering if your bottling all this up inside,and not discussing this with anyone else.

if you can't get over it,go around it,you still get where you want to be

stimpy
28-06-04, 23:06
Hi Buggy

I admire the fact that you can open up so honestly.

I'm sure everyone who has suffered panic disorder worries what others think of them. I know I do and I know we all want to be normal again.

When something happens in our past, it often reflects the way we think and behave in the future, so in that respect you are totally normal.
The chances are no one even remembers what happened to make you feel so bad, and true friends wouldn't hold it against you.

I was told by my CPN that if someone in your family has a history of anxiety disorder, you are more likely to suffer with it, than not.
Also, if you have suffered with it once, you are likely to suffer with it again. But it is treatable and you are able to recover and live an ordinary life. It doesn't happen over night and it takes a lot of hard work, but it is possible.

Seeing someone about your problems sounds like a great idea.
Often talking to someone away from your family situation can help a great deal.
If you feel unable to cope with things, it could well be a good idea to ask about medication. The chances are it will help far more than booze and drugs.

If you are able, talk to your girlfriend, explain how you feel.
You've got a job, a car, a house, and that suggests to me that you are a level headed person, who just needs someone to point them in the right direction to get well again.

Good Luck


Love, light and Best wishes
Liz xxx
With hard work and determination and all the things you know.
The world is there for you to take. There's nowhere you can't go.


[:p]Scatty Eccentric & 'Poet Laureate to panic and anxiety'

Caitlyn89
28-06-04, 23:50
Bug,

Social Anxiety Disorder. I would bet thats what you have. When you are constantly scared or nervous of being judged or not being percieved in the best light, afraid of what people think of you all that stuff you just said its called social anxiety disorder. I would reccomend you see a therapist for this.

buggy999
01-08-04, 16:15
Thank you all for your replies! Much appreciated.
Sorry it's taken so long for me to respond. Feeling very low [V] at the moment. I've not been 100% for about a year and in that time my girlfriend and my mother have really been there for me. But more recently I felt that they are tiring of hearing about how I feel. I definately feel more like I have to cope with this on my own than I did say 8 months ago.
I have two friends that are suffering from anxiety and/or depression. It's unreal how common it actually is. Though when your suffering from it you really do feel on your own. The best coping method I have found, though it's hardly something that you can do at work, is have a bl**dy good cry. That seems to get it out of my system! How stupid would I look! A 6ft 2in, 15 stone, bodybuilding man crying his eyes out at his desk. :)
I've been giving CBT some serious thought and one of my friends who suffers terrible anxiety has already booked an appointment with his GP in the hope of receiving CBT (he's tried pretty much everything else!). I always seem to put it off though and think, if I'm still not feeling well in a month I'll do it.
Such a strange thing anxiety and panic... your mind turning against you.

HB
02-08-04, 10:43
I would also definitely consider cognitive behavioural therapy... if you go to yuor GP now it might take a few months to get you started but honestly, it is worth it. I have been going for over 8 months now and it has just beenn a moiracle worker and, after being on 40mg of citalopram a day, i am now med free!!

See what your GP can do for you

H

Sin
27-10-06, 03:33
[quote]<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Hello everyone, Before I start let me apologies in advance for the length of this post because I know it will be a long one. I've put a couple of entries on this website before… in the past. Everyone who replied to my previous posts helped me through the hardest 4 months of my life and the worst 4 months…. I can never think you enough.
That was about 9-10 months ago. At the time of my previous posts I was experiencing something very new to me and very scary. I had a very intense Panic attack followed by 4 months of intense anxiety (this was at it's worse at work) and then followed by depression as the anxiety slowly, slowly faded. All this made my social and working life hell. But I kept on going through help from family and girlfriend.
I went to see the doctor when I was at my worst and she put on citralopram as she believed I was suffering from depression as well as anxiety. I stopped taking these as they made me feel dizzy and sick which prevented me from carrying out my job. I went back to the doctor and she put my on prozac which only made me feel even worse… so I stopped these as well. Then I started to feel much better all round a few weeks later. So about 4 months after the initial panic attack I felt normal for the first time.
Then about one month later the same happened again! Panic attack for no reason and then anxiety (though this time not quite as scary and intense… as I knew what it was). I went to the doctor who gave me beta blockers which worked brilliantly at stopping the panic/anxiety feeling that plagued me. Well it's now been 5 months since that last panic attack and I still feel like I'm an emotional roller-coaster and have done the whole time.
One day I can feel alright and the next day I have to stop myself from crying over the tiniest things while set at my desk in work! The slightest mistake at work or socially and I feel like my world has fallen on top of me and thoughts of suicide enter my head… even though I'm 99.9% sure I would never harm myself… then 1 hour later I could feel perfectly ok again! That quickly!
I'm obsessed with what people think about me (always have been) and how I'm perceived by others and constantly think that everyone see's the worst in me. My confidence is rock bottom and the slightest thing sends my emotions spiraling out of control. I've been self-medicating with cannabis and alcohol which I know doesn't help matters. It's just a release from all these emotions.
All I want is to be normal again. Be able to make a mistake at work without tumbling into deep depression afterward. Be able to talk to someone I don't know 100% without feeling completely uncomfortable. I don't want any anti-depressants I as feel they only mask problems and don't resolve them. But I don't know what my problem is.
I've had quite an unhappy childhood through moving area's and schools a lot and abusing drugs. Years back at about the age of 18 in front of all my friends I was made to look rdiculous by someone and fell into deep depression after that for a long time... fearing my friends didn't think as much of me following that night and my opinion of myself fell through the floor... I feel as though the mental scar this lad created may never have healed properly... sounds stupid I know.
But now I'm very successful in my job for someone of my age (23) and own my own house, car and have a great girlfriend, enough friends (though I seem to prefer to be on my own more often nowadays and don’t go out nearly as much through fear of something happening socially that shatter me even more...again). I get told a lot I'm very handsome (though I always doubt it and myself). I’m definitely an alpha-male… but nowadays feel less and less so. So you could say I have everything going my way and I've feel quite selfish in writing this as I know a lot of people on this website my not be as fortunate

Sin
27-10-06, 04:08
[quote]<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Hello everyone, Before I start let me apologies in advance for the length of this post because I know it will be a long one. I've put a couple of entries on this website before… in the past. Everyone who replied to my previous posts helped me through the hardest 4 months of my life and the worst 4 months…. I can never think you enough.
That was about 9-10 months ago. At the time of my previous posts I was experiencing something very new to me and very scary. I had a very intense Panic attack followed by 4 months of intense anxiety (this was at it's worse at work) and then followed by depression as the anxiety slowly, slowly faded. All this made my social and working life hell. But I kept on going through help from family and girlfriend.
I went to see the doctor when I was at my worst and she put on citralopram as she believed I was suffering from depression as well as anxiety. I stopped taking these as they made me feel dizzy and sick which prevented me from carrying out my job. I went back to the doctor and she put my on prozac which only made me feel even worse… so I stopped these as well. Then I started to feel much better all round a few weeks later. So about 4 months after the initial panic attack I felt normal for the first time.
Then about one month later the same happened again! Panic attack for no reason and then anxiety (though this time not quite as scary and intense… as I knew what it was). I went to the doctor who gave me beta blockers which worked brilliantly at stopping the panic/anxiety feeling that plagued me. Well it's now been 5 months since that last panic attack and I still feel like I'm an emotional roller-coaster and have done the whole time.
One day I can feel alright and the next day I have to stop myself from crying over the tiniest things while set at my desk in work! The slightest mistake at work or socially and I feel like my world has fallen on top of me and thoughts of suicide enter my head… even though I'm 99.9% sure I would never harm myself… then 1 hour later I could feel perfectly ok again! That quickly!
I'm obsessed with what people think about me (always have been) and how I'm perceived by others and constantly think that everyone see's the worst in me. My confidence is rock bottom and the slightest thing sends my emotions spiraling out of control. I've been self-medicating with cannabis and alcohol which I know doesn't help matters. It's just a release from all these emotions.
All I want is to be normal again. Be able to make a mistake at work without tumbling into deep depression afterward. Be able to talk to someone I don't know 100% without feeling completely uncomfortable. I don't want any anti-depressants I as feel they only mask problems and don't resolve them. But I don't know what my problem is.
I've had quite an unhappy childhood through moving area's and schools a lot and abusing drugs. Years back at about the age of 18 in front of all my friends I was made to look rdiculous by someone and fell into deep depression after that for a long time... fearing my friends didn't think as much of me following that night and my opinion of myself fell through the floor... I feel as though the mental scar this lad created may never have healed properly... sounds stupid I know.
But now I'm very successful in my job for someone of my age (23) and own my own house, car and have a great girlfriend, enough friends (though I seem to prefer to be on my own more often nowadays and don’t go out nearly as much through fear of something happening socially that shatter me even more...again). I get told a lot I'm very handsome (though I always doubt it and myself). I’m definitely an alpha-male… but nowadays feel less and less so. So you could say I have everything going my way and I've feel quite selfish in writing this as I know a lot of people on this website my not be as fortunate

bearcrazy
27-10-06, 15:07
HI buggy, I can relate to everything that you have said. I have been treated for depression for more than 20 years by my GP's who just dole out anti depressant.s but never really got any better. It's only since I started CBT this summer that I have found out I actually have GAD, generalised anxiety disorder, and depression is fed by this. It helps to have a label for it, now I know if the symptoms appear , its not my fault. I would ask to be referred to a mental health team for assessment, they are experts whereas a GP is a 'jack of all trades' Hope you get the help you deserve. x

bearcrazy
27-10-06, 15:09
HI buggy, I can relate to everything that you have said. I have been treated for depression for more than 20 years by my GP's who just dole out anti depressant.s but never really got any better. It's only since I started CBT this summer that I have found out I actually have GAD, generalised anxiety disorder, and depression is fed by this. It helps to have a label for it, now I know if the symptoms appear , its not my fault. I would ask to be referred to a mental health team for assessment, they are experts whereas a GP is a 'jack of all trades' Hope you get the help you deserve. x

GAD
27-10-06, 21:00
Buggy

My god, everything you have said mirrors myself. I can relate to everything you have said and get Exactly the same feelings as you. I too have got a good job and have worked very hard to get there. i think i did this somehow as a form of avoidance as working helped to take my mind off my anxiety. Im now at a point were i want to slow down and enjoy life but get jittery when i have too much time on my hands! I am on an emotional rollercoaster and like you can get upset at the slightest things and then ok again within seconds (my god why is this?) i too get told all the time that i am lucky because i come across as socailly confident and am told that i am attractive but this means nothing because i have learnt to be confident over the years but STILL feel like i am putting on a front, like i am not able ever to truly be me.
Like i said you have mirrored myself in what you have said and although terrible you are not alone.

Michelle.