View Full Version : The past sucks... Don't let it dictate your future.....
Today brought it home to me why being assertive is difficult. Something happened at work & "all I had to do" was stand up for myself. I say "all" but when you are brought up not to question anything your parents say & if you did dare stand up for yourself, it was seen as 'disrespectful', it makes me feel really uncomfortable trying to stand up for myself.
I was really disappointed I didn't stand firm. I knew what I needed to say but didn't have the guts. Then, as ever, I played over & over how I could have said something. But not giving in, I took a walk, Determined not to let this affect me.
But I couldnt stop thinking about years & years of being walked all over by my family, friends & certain former colleagues.
My feelings were powerful & overwhelming. I cried over years of oppression I suffered at the hands of my parents. Their beliefs getting in the way of bringing up healthy & balanced children. Making us behave in certain considered waysmore important to them than nurturing comfortable, confident let alone happy children.
I felt a painful lump in my throat. My lungs burned with emotion. My throat was tight. I struggled for breath because I was facing & fighting my past for a better future.
It dawned on me that I am not weak at all. But I get really stuck like this because of the way I was treated. The past might be the past but it can still haunt you when you least expect it. All you can do is not let it dictate your future.
All afternoon I fought childlike feelings. I just felt like giving in & going to pieces. to lie down & "let it all happen again" because that takes less courage. But I dont want to give in so I went back & spoke with my colleagues. This time I did stand my ground & went some way to putting things right in my eyes. That is good. It shows you can you it, even after the event.
I did feel bad today. it still surprises me how bad I can feel but something that went through my mind was ..... If I talk about this here, maybe I can encourage someone, anyone to stand firm.
So..... be as assertive as you can....... When people make you feel like rubbish, bite back.
Don't let them walk all over you because you deserve better.
Remind yourself you are worthwhile even if some people would like to make you feel otherwise. You are just fine. it's them. They are low lifes & are wrong because you ARE worth it. Don't you forget that. Don't wait years to stand your ground, to stand up for yourself. I really encourage you to think about this. To do it now.
Well done. I waited years, was bullied in a previous job and vowed never to let it happen again. I am astounded by how assertive I have been in this latest unpleasant situation. I am stressed and anxious, I am off work, but I have taken no... you-know-what and the management are (rightly) running scared.
Well done you! And wise words for all of us...
Tessar
Was really interested to read your post.... Wow, really well done.
Although I am now retired, I know exactly what you mean.
I was also inspired by how, feeling so intensely, you managed to stay at work and carry on. This really does catch my interest as I still find anxiety can get me disbelieving that I can still do everything, go out and carry on with life. My whole anxiety thing is anticipating getting very anxious about finding myself in situations where I think I might be overwhelmed and embarrass myself. I know that this is just anticipation but it is what keeps me ill. If I could just know that I can cope with the anxiety wherever I am then I am sure I will recover quite quickly.
Phil
A really big WELL DONE Tessar. It can be so hard to be assertive sometimes and you have done it. The more times we can stand up for ourselves the easier it will become (says me hopefully :) )
Thank you everyone. It's really great to have people to share with. Makes me feel better. When I was feeling bad yesterday, it made me feel less alone to know that no matter what it felt like, I had friends to turn to. It makes a difference.
I realised this morning that instead of giving myself a pat on the back for being assertive, I was again focusing on the more negative aspects of my day yesterday. Why do we do that? I know it's totally pointless and extremely counter-productive and yet here I am still doing it. I know it's really hard to change. But by dont we change? It is frustrating.
When I wake up in the morning it doesn't take long before my mind is occupied by "feeling depressed". But that's just it. Mostly at the moment I am happy, cheerful and getting on with life. But I need to kick this last hanging on bit of negativity into touch.
My counsellor suggested trying mindfulness. That even though I have thoughts that come to mind, I don't have to engage with them. But the idea of letting these seemingly important thoughts go, just to let them float away makes me feel like I will be missing out on something. That I can't afford to let these thoughts go. Or maybe I am just so used to chewing them over, it's just hard to stop.....
---------- Post added at 21:58 ---------- Previous post was at 21:50 ----------
Speranza, that sounds like me. When I left the job I was being bullied in, I had put the record straight there, finally standing up to my bully boss. That was a huge battle for me. Nearly broke me but I got through that, just like you I vowed to never be bullied again. 2 jobs down the line now and it's not happened again. Even if I feel it's difficult to be as assertive as I'd like, I haven't been bullied since.
I'm really pleased you are being assertive, that's so good. You must feel very proud of your achievement.
---------- Post added at 22:30 ---------- Previous post was at 21:58 ----------
i'm glad my post was interesting, phil. I have learned that when I am overwhelmed by my feelings, it's ok to let the tears come, because it releases the tension. i was programmed by my father not to cry. that it is weak. I got laughed at for crying too. But I now know that crying is a natural process & perfectly acceptable.
i was also able to observe the way i was feeling & acknowledge to myself that I felt so strongly not just about the situation yesterday, but that I felt that way because of my past. That when I was growing up, no-one really looked out for me. That always felt hurtful & the situation at work made me feel that way.
I suppose I was able to regain my composure because I let it out. Also because though it felt difficult, I knew that what's happening here in the present isn't a repeat of my past & I can act now to make it better.
I think I was kind to myself by allowing the emotions out, it meant that "adult" me could comfort my "inner child". To realise it still hurts because I have never really cried about some of it & no-one ever noticed how bad i felt. i have had to battle on many times when I wanted to just give in & let the emotions win. But I know I am stronger than that & I am worthy of being listened to.
That's why I decided I had to go back & say something to my manager. I did it with the boss in earshot too, on purpose. I knew she would be supportive & she was.
Isn't it odd that despite knowing we CAN do things, anxiety can still get the better of us? Like you disbelieving that You can still do everything, to carry on with life. Its interesting that you mention "anticipating getting very anxious". I wonder if it would become easier if, instead of visualising a negative outcome, you pictured yourself comfortably & confidently going about your business?
I bet the idea of that doesn't sit comfortably. But you could give it a go.
Rather than automatically allowing anxious thoughts to take over, challenge them. Look at positive experiences from the past where you have succeeded. If negatives spring to mind, either challenge them or let them go. Make a decision to do this. Don't dwell, instead reflect in a way that will bring a more positive outcome.. There will be evidence in your life, including the present, which will show you can do these things.
So don't just let the anxiety win. It's not welcome anymore. In fact, you don't have time for it. Tell it to make an appointment when you are free. But of course, you will be so busy doing things you enjoy.... Well, anxiety won't get a look in.
I think the irony probably is that you can cope wherever you are. In fact very often you might be doing it but not realise you are. we are after all very good at not noticing positives. You are strong in that you do still get on with life despite your anxiety. So in many respects you are already coping.
Perhaps sometimes by following the automatic reactions you have, you don't give your stronger side a chance to kick in. But it is possible to do that. Anyway, have a think about it. Perhaps reflect on how you feel when anxious. Where the thoughts start. How they spiral negatively. You can stop them, it just takes practice. Hope to hear from you again soon.
---------- Post added at 22:32 ---------- Previous post was at 22:30 ----------
you are right, annie, The more times we can stand up for ourselves the easier it will become ... and yes that definitely includes you!!!!!
Thanks Tessar,
Your post makes a lot of sense and I will no doubt read it over again, and again.
I think the negative thoughts are more sticky, because they are backed up with a strong emotional response, fear... And we feel that physically. The positive thoughts are much less powerful even if they are based more on reality.
I would highly recommend mindfulness meditation mp3s. I have some good ones and one is about recognising when you are caught up in a negative stream of thoughts. Having regularly done meditation for 30 mins a day I do find that I can now quickly realise that I have started negatively thinking and the practice is then to let it go.
This is difficult because the thoughts are so believable, and there is an urge to get attached to it and come up with a solution.... Big mistake!
I try and think of the thoughts as trains passing through a station I am standing on. I can watch them come and go and chose not to get on the train. Mindfulness is helping me realise when I have jumped on one of the trains and so I can then get off.
The other mp3 meditations I have include visualisation. These are all difficult to start with but the more you practice, the more your mind learns, and more importantly your subconscious mind is listening too.
Hope you give it a go... The good news is that when you are feeling OK they are very enjoyable and relaxing to do.
Nice to make another friend...
Phil
almamatters
18-07-13, 12:06
Well done Tessar, I am so pleased you have been assertive, I struggle with this issue and even when I do stand up and let people know how I feel, I feel guilty afterwards and ashamed and then begin to worry about that. I struggle with a couple of work colleagues (very loud and confident) and it depresses me that I always feel stupid and insignificant when they are around. Good for you though Tessar!! :) xx
so there I was this morning thinking that its unlikely i'll heard from my parents today, even though its my birthday. but then i was trying to remind myself that it's my friends I have now, in my life curerntly - the ones who do care about me & show it.... they are the ones who matter. They'll remember my birthday. and that's what i am trying to focus on. doesnt stop me feeling sad that we werent a very close family, i really do wish we had been. i thin it's ok to feel sad about that. maybe to let the odd tear out just to mark the loss. But that's not going to be my major influence today. I'd rather it wa smiley faces & people who ARE happy for me. that's what's happening now, here today :-)
so there I was this morning thinking that its unlikely i'll heard from my parents today, even though its my birthday. but then i was trying to remind myself that it's my friends I have now, in my life curerntly - the ones who do care about me & show it.... they are the ones who matter. They'll remember my birthday. and that's what i am trying to focus on. doesnt stop me feeling sad that we werent a very close family, i really do wish we had been. i thin it's ok to feel sad about that. maybe to let the odd tear out just to mark the loss. But that's not going to be my major influence today. I'd rather it wa smiley faces & people who ARE happy for me. that's what's happening now, here today :-)
Unfortunately the past always rears it's ugly head with memories, my husband leaving last week has re opened a lot of nasty wounds and insecurities back to my child hood, but as you say this must not be our major influences any more lets rise above it and be happy. We are better people, than then xx
Kim
shotokansho
29-07-13, 13:39
Hey there. That's great what you did!! I'm like you, I find it very hard to be assertive and say what I feel. I have had loads of problems from my past but I am slowly coming to terms with it and hopefully be able to put it to bed soon.
Your post gives me lots of encouragement and brings a smile to my face, so thank you and well done. :)
Justin1973
30-07-13, 10:53
I recognise exactly what the OP has been going through. I've had a very similar upbringing from my parents. I went to a "special" school (mixed disabled children) cause of my bad eyesight and the attitude was the same there. You just had no recourse to question or argue anything as they knew best and you had no right to question. So, I've been brought up with the inability to have a confrontation when it's needed. I usually have to work up to such things and go through the scenario in my mind over and over again. Then, when it comes to it and I'm ready; nothing happens. I tend to get walked over when I least expect it or have no idea it's coming. So, I obsess over just happened and how much I hated myself for not sticking up for me and putting pay to their actions against me. I'm still having this trouble at 40! So, I'm having to find a different way about dealing with life. My parents don't have much clue at all. Our family is in a bit of a mess and not exactly stable because of their actions upto this day.
I've come to the conclusion that I have to deal with life on my own, my way and get tougher, firmer but still being fair at the same time. So, I know exactly where you're coming from and this, I think, is part of the route of my anxiety.
It's been awhile since I posted on this thread. I do still try hard to be assertive. Since I first put this up in the summer, I have managed to be more assertive. There is still a long way to go but I have put the brakes on letting people walk all over me.
I definitely feel I have put a bit of distance between how I felt a few months ago and now. The bad messages from the past and the inability to stand up to people as a result has lessened. Sometimes assertiveness still feels uncomfortable as afterwards I wonder if I was rude or too strong in what I said but bearing in mind I am usually so passive, it's bound to feel uncomfortable.
The main thing is I shall stick at it & do everything I can to continue being assertive.
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