Ally-SA
17-07-13, 10:34
I've known since little that I was adopted, and never really thought I had an issue with it.
I went to my first psychologist, ever, two or three years ago. To cut a long story short, she thought I might have abandonment issues. I got home one afternoon and decided to Google my birth name - and I found my biological mother.
She is in the UK, and I am in South Africa.
We keep in contact via e-mail. We used to Skype a little, but I get so tired of trying to call - but no answer.
I also get tired of sending her an e-mail, and she always says she will e-mail me soon - today, or tomorrow. Whatever...
But she never does. And I sit here, day after day, hoping for an e-mail. I don't know WHY I do this to myself! When she doesn't hear from me, she makes me feel really bad about not writing. Guilty even!
I have a wonderful husband, and I love my parents with all my heart. I'm not that close to my brother (also adopted) - and I miss him.
The last friends I had turned out to be really nasty bitches - so I shut them out of my life.
I guess I just feel really alone, and cling to any little bit of hope out there of having someone to talk to.
I'm going to rant a little more...
My biological mom is on some meds - she has depression. When I started with my anxiety and depression over a year ago, I turned to her for help - thinking she would understand and would be able to help me. But she made me feel like I was totally losing it... that I was a lil' crazy? I had twitches. She, being an ex-nurse, really hurt my feelings when I told her how I was feeling. I thought that perhaps I had MS or something else... and she said how dare I feel that way - she dealt with people who really had it - and so on... I didn't know what to do or say. My concerns were genuine, too. And I just did not understand what was going on. I still don't, some days... My first panic attack was in 2007 - and it took me months to figure out what was wrong. No doctors told me what was wrong. Not even a psychiatrist I went to - he wanted to simply diagnose me as being bipolar, just because medical aid would pay for his treatments.
This post is way long - sorry. There is so much more to say here, but this is enough for now. I have to get this out...
I went to my first psychologist, ever, two or three years ago. To cut a long story short, she thought I might have abandonment issues. I got home one afternoon and decided to Google my birth name - and I found my biological mother.
She is in the UK, and I am in South Africa.
We keep in contact via e-mail. We used to Skype a little, but I get so tired of trying to call - but no answer.
I also get tired of sending her an e-mail, and she always says she will e-mail me soon - today, or tomorrow. Whatever...
But she never does. And I sit here, day after day, hoping for an e-mail. I don't know WHY I do this to myself! When she doesn't hear from me, she makes me feel really bad about not writing. Guilty even!
I have a wonderful husband, and I love my parents with all my heart. I'm not that close to my brother (also adopted) - and I miss him.
The last friends I had turned out to be really nasty bitches - so I shut them out of my life.
I guess I just feel really alone, and cling to any little bit of hope out there of having someone to talk to.
I'm going to rant a little more...
My biological mom is on some meds - she has depression. When I started with my anxiety and depression over a year ago, I turned to her for help - thinking she would understand and would be able to help me. But she made me feel like I was totally losing it... that I was a lil' crazy? I had twitches. She, being an ex-nurse, really hurt my feelings when I told her how I was feeling. I thought that perhaps I had MS or something else... and she said how dare I feel that way - she dealt with people who really had it - and so on... I didn't know what to do or say. My concerns were genuine, too. And I just did not understand what was going on. I still don't, some days... My first panic attack was in 2007 - and it took me months to figure out what was wrong. No doctors told me what was wrong. Not even a psychiatrist I went to - he wanted to simply diagnose me as being bipolar, just because medical aid would pay for his treatments.
This post is way long - sorry. There is so much more to say here, but this is enough for now. I have to get this out...