View Full Version : Back to work 1 year after my breakdown
Hello all,
I had a mental breakdown/burnout last year and i had to stop working, i was litterally in a constant panic mode, like if i was out of my own body, i really thought i was going crazy. From there i started to become agoraphobic, i lost 10kg/22lbs because i couldn't even eat.
I saw many docs and they tried different SSRI's but they were like sugar pill, so i was finally prescribed xanax 6mg/day and so far that's the only medication helping me.
Anyway, 1 year have passed and during that time i tried to exercise as much as possible, i tried to go out as much and as far as i could, i tried to eat healthy and stay positive as much as possible.
I finally managed to go back to work last week (i'm working at mcdonalds, this is very very stressful for me, lot of people and very hot in there) and so far i didn't have any full blown panic attack at work, but i can tell i was about to have 2 or 3 and everytime i managed to calm down myself but heck, it was very challenging, especially in front of the costumers.
Now what i can tell is that when i'm at work my depression goes away, i'm WAY less agoraphobic, but for the anxiety it doesn't help, i mean if i try take less xanax than usual, i'm very anxious and panicky, even at home.
So here i am, stuck with this xanax and don't know what to do...
Basically i just wanted to share my experience and i will try to keep this post up to date like a little journal to tell you if i improved or if i had panic attacks etc...
Thanks for reading.
You've done amazingly well to get back to work! Mcdonalds must be a very stressful job though. Do you think you will be less panicky once you get used to the work a bit more? Maybe with a couple of months work, it will be easier to get a new job, as they can see you are willing and able to hold down work.
You've done amazingly well to get back to work! Mcdonalds must be a very stressful job though. Do you think you will be less panicky once you get used to the work a bit more? Maybe with a couple of months work, it will be easier to get a new job, as they can see you are willing and able to hold down work.
To be honest, the night before my 1st day i was thinking i will have a panic attack at work and they will send me back home lol.
And now after a few days i can tell i have less negative thoughts before going to work, so yes i'm definetly more confident.
However, sometimes when there's a lot of costumers and there's a rush i pretend going to the bathroom and i take a xanax because i feel i'm going to panic :unsure:
But all in all i don't really care of my current job, this is shit and i just do it to get more confident. I hope i will get a better job soon and maybe detox from the xanax.
Also i would like to be able to travel and take the plane because my grandma and my grandpa are living in romania and they are like my parents to me, and i didn't see them since 2 years... Sometimes i cry because i want to see them but i'm a basket case right now, i can't travel so far...
Well done on getting back to work and I am sure this will help build your confidence. keep in your mind your goal to visit your grandparents. I am sure you will get there. :hugs:
hello everybody, i'm just checking in.
So today I made a big mistake, i tried to skip my morning dose of xanax and see if i could handle, and i litterally felt like shit. I wanted to go to the beach to relax a little bit but on the road the more i was walking the more i was feeling dizzy, light headed, like if i was going to faint. So i chose to go back home before even arriving at the beach. Then i finally took a xanax dose and i don't know why but i felt extremely depressed, and i didn't want to do anything, so i stayed in my bed a few minutes and i cried for no apparent reason.
From that point i wanted to call at my job to tell them i won't come today, it was 4pm and i had to be at work at 7pm. After some hesitations i decided not to call and try to go even if i was feeling like shit. So i took a very cold shower, i ate a good lunch and i stayed a few more minutes in my bed just to relax a little bit.
When i arrived at work, i was very lethargic and i had no motivation to do anything... But at least i wasn't panicky or anxious, just low mood.
However, as soon as i started to do things/being busy i felt more energy and i was more focused, like i said when i'm working the depression completely goes away.
So basically when i'm at work i feel quite good, because i don't have the time to think of negative thoughts, and i'm constantly speaking with people.
So i would say today was a weird day, i felt like crap the first part of the day then i felt quite good at work. Anyway i won't try to reduce my xanax dosage as fast as i tried to day, this was a big mistake.
Hi guys, quick update
I'm more and more confident at work, my agoraphobia is pretty much gone. I plan to work another 2 months and then i think i'll go back to school in october. Also i would like to be able to take the plane, at this point i would consider myself cured from agoraphobia.
Now the negative point is that i can't detox from the xanax, and to be honest sometimes i think i will have to take it all my life.
I also wanted to say that yesterday night i was dreaming that i was with my grand parents, in romania. Maybe it's a sign =D
Anyway i'm trying to stay strong and positive, i want to get my life back, and no one is gonna stop me.
I hope you guys are doing well and don't forget to stay strong.
It's absolutely fantastic to read this.
I'm currently still very much in my mental breakdown. I'm in a mental health hospital infact! I'm too going through the many different tablets which is not a nice process and like you, I've become VERY agoroaphobic. I'm so happy to read that you are out of your breakdown! It gives me alot of hope!
If I can offer one very big bit of advice to you, is that benzos are NOT a long term solution. Our bodies build up a tolerance very fast to them so that we need to keep upping the dose. It doesn't take long to experience this at all. Benzos also come with some bad side effects and will eventually cause the same symptoms that you had to begin with. Just be careful with them! I know they work great though!
Best wishes with everything!!!
Steven x
I know benzos are not a long term solution, but i'm slowely tapering.
Ok so quick update now:
Yesterday i was about to have a panic attack the first few minutes at work, actually i forgot to mention that i take propranolol everyday in combination with my xanax, and yesterday i didn't take my propranolol dose. So i pretented that i had to go to the bathroom and i took a propranolol pill. From there it took 10-15min for the panic to subside, and honestly i was about to tell my boss i'm ill and just leave to go home. But i didn't and i spent 15mins of high anxiety with chest tightness, shortness of breath and fast heart rate at the cash register speaking with the customers and acting like everything was fine. Then the propranolol started to kick in and i was able to calm down, and even now i can't imagine i've got through this moment, like i said i was about to run out of the restaurant and go back home lol. Anyway the rest of the day was much more comfortable, didn't have much anxiety but i was a tired because i slept a little bit the night before.
As for today i decided to give a 2nd chance to lexapro, so i took a 10mg pill this morning before going to work and everything was fine, no anxiety, no panic attacks.
You might want to know why am i taking it if it didn't help in the past ?
Well when i took it for the 1st time i couldn't even go out of my bed or take a shower, i was eating only once per day and it was very hard, i was dangerously depressed, i mean a clinical depression. So i was expecting to get my life back within 3 months of lexapro, and obviously it didn't happen. I was just staying in my bed all day long and taking my pill every morning waiting to get better, i know it was stupid but at this time i was too much agoraphobic to get out and do things.
And that's why i want to give it a 2nd chance, now i have a job, i do a lot of exercise, i go to the beach with my friends etc...
Like i said to someone else, anxiety is a mix of genetic and environmental factors, i think we have to treat both by taking meds but also doing simple things and not staying home all day long.
So basically the plan is to stop xanax and take lexapro instead, i really hope it's gonna work this time.
It's brilliant you're feeling more settled at work now. Next time you want to go home, remember what you said: "However, as soon as i started to do things/being busy i felt more energy and i was more focused, like i said when i'm working the depression completely goes away. So basically when i'm at work i feel quite good, because i don't have the time to think of negative thoughts, and i'm constantly speaking with people."
Your situation is different this time, so it's worth giving the lexapro another chance. I hope it will work better for you this time.
I would think carefully about coming off the Xanax straight away. You've been through a massive change with starting your new job. And now starting Lexapro is yet another change. Personally I would make any other changes very gradually. I understand you're keen to get off it, but you're more likely to do that if you do it in a manageable way.
Hey guys quick update.
Just got back from work. Today was a nightmare, they were a bunch of customers in the restaurant and i had to make the ice creams, my boss was yelling at me because i was too slow and people were waiting, my anxiety level was very high, i was feeling dizzy and nauseous, i had no more energy and i was about to leave because i was afraid to have a panic attack in front of all those people. Then my boss rotated me with another guy (because i was too slow) so i took his place at the cash register, but i was still very nauseous and exhausted, at some point i felt like i was gonna throw up. However i didn't leave and i tried to act like everything was normal, and finally after 20-30mins my anxiety subsided slowly.
I can't imagine i got through the day once again without having to leave, however i'm really pissed off, it's like 2 steps forward and 1 step backward.
Also i'm still taking my 10mg lexapro every morning but didn't notice any change yet, i'm wondering if the nausea came from this pill.
Now i have 2 days off, i will try to relax, i'm gonna workout a little bit and maybe go to the beach.
That's it, thanks for reading =)
bernie1977
01-08-13, 12:36
You did so well to stay in the situation and not run off, that shows you are learning to pass through the panic. That is a sign of incredible strength and will power on your part so that deserves a big WELL DONE!!
I always get nausea when I'm feeling anxious or having a panic attack. SSRI/ SNRI meds always gave me terrible nausea so it's hard to say what caused your nausea.
I hope you enjoyed your 2 days break
Hi, I just want to say how much courage and strength you have, staying in anxiety provoking situations and seeing the panic through. You are doing really well and should be proud of your achievements and how far you have come.
Keep going, keep doing what you're doing, you are on the road to recovery - there will be setbacks along the way but you are close to being well again
Sam
Hello guys, just came back from work.
Today was a very good day, i was a bit anxious before going to work but i took a very cold bath and put loud relaxing music in the house and it made me soooo calm. I arrived at work very confident and i had energy, i didn't let anyone make fun of me or yell at me, actually i had a little argument with a coworker because he yelled at me and i told him to not talk with me like if i was his shit, and he immediatly made apologies to me lol (actually i'm pretty big and he's a skinny guy, it's funny because i wouldn't even punch a moskito lol).
I think the lexapro started to kick in, i definitly feel more confident. Also i started my xanax taper and replaced my evening dose with 20mg diazepam, and so far i didn't have side effects.
That's it folks, i'll get you up to date =)
Hey guys i'm just checking in,
The last couple days were all about the same. I come at work feeling lethargic, anxious, with no motivation and then after i start moving around and doing things i get much better, and it's like this every time.
Yesterday night i had another argument, with a manager this time, we yelled at each other and that was a strong one. Now i'm afraid to go back to work wednesday, i'm sure the boss is gonna ask me to come in his office to talk with him, this is scaring.
Damn it this job is really annoying and stressing i don't know how people can work at mcdonalds for years, i wish i could find something else...
PS: I'm on lexapro 20mg now, first day.
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Hey quick update:
Just came back from work and everything was fine today, i didn't have to talk with my boss for the argument i had with my manager and my anxiety was not so bad. I had some chest tightness at some point but it went away and i spent they whole day without panic. I lowered my propranolol dosage from 80mg 2x/day to 40mg 2x/day and i'm still on xanax 4mg/day + 20mg valium in the evening. Also it was my 3rd day on lexapro 20mg and so far i don't think it helped because my body may have to adapt to the dosage but i don't have any side effects so i'm still taking it.
My main goal is to be able to work in this shitty place at least 2 months and then i will go back to school or find another job, this will be awesome if i could handle for that long =D.
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Very quick update:
I'm feeling very anxious today, i don't know if i will continue with the lexapro, but i know the first days can be worse before the anxiolytic effect takes place. I have to be at work at 4pm but honestly i'm a basket case today. I hope i won't be at the cash register, i wish the boss ask me to clean the restaurant/ wash the plates, i just want to be alone today =(.
I'll keep you updated.
You're doing really well mate, keep it up, I have no advice for you as it sounds like you have it all worked out, just a bit of encouragement from me, soldier on ;)
i'm at work, its almost 4pm and i'm waiting to get in. My chest is tight but i think i can make it.
Be strong !!!!!!!!
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Well i've made it but it wasn't easy. When i arrived at work my boss asked me to full the fridges with fries/potatoes so i was happy not to be at the cash register, i was alone and this allowed me to relieve some anxiety. Then i was asked to help a co-worker to carry some boxes in a hot little room, and here i started to panic, i felt dizzy, and my chest was tight, i didn't have enough space, so i asked my co-worker if this would be ok if i let him alone and he said yes, i think at this moment my face was so pale that i scared him lol. Then without asking anyone i began to clean a little bit the restaurant as it's easier for me, but after 20min my boss saw me and told me to take place at the cash register. I pretented that i had to go to the bathroom, i took my xanax dose and here we go =p. I finished my day without panic, thanks to the xanax, but the moment in that little room was very hard, i was about to have a full-blown panic attack :s
So once again i've made it, and i really want to achieve my goal which is working at least 2 months. Then i will take some time to relax.
hey guys i'm at home ready to go to work but i slept only 3-4 hours last night because i had terrible nightmares and i feel very tired. I took my 2mg xanax dose and i added 20mg valium because i'm really anxious, and now i feel sleepy. I really dont know how i am gonna make it today, looks like it's the end, i can no longer handle. I did my best but today i've got the feeling that i will have a full blown panic attack. I will try to stay strong until the end of the day but it seems that i lost my will power. I pray god to give me one more chance today, i just want to feel ok.
I'm looking at me in the mirror and my face skin is already pale, i look like a zombie, maybe this will keep the customers away from me hehe =).
Well it's time to go, i don't want to disapoint anyone here, i want to prove that we can recover from panic and agoraphobia, i'll do my best.
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UPDATE:
So how was my day ?
I came at work feeling very tired and light headed, and my boss asked me if there was something wrong with me, like if i was ill, i said no it's fine but in my head i was in zombie mode, i couldn't focus at all, i was a real basket case at this moment. Then the other employees asked me the same thing, they said i had very pale skin and i looked like i was ill. And to make things even harder they put me at the cash register, i was so slow i mean when the customers talked to me it was like i had a long delay to get the information to my brain lol.
Then my boss told me to smile and stop looking like a depressed guy (no one knows i'm taking antidepressants at work, they don't know about my condition), but i couldn't, it's very hard to fake and pretend to smile and be happy, it really hurted me when he said that i looked like a depressed guy =/
Then he started to push me to be faster because they were a bunch of customers waiting, and i really didn't like it, it's a lot of pressure and when you're already anxious it's hard to handle.
So basically i've been struggling all day long, but i didn't want to give up, and you know what ? I'm never gonna give up, i will stay strong and i will do the things i have to do until i fall down. This day made me even more angry about my condition, i want to fight, i don't want to be a loser, i think like a soldier and i will prove that i am a strong man.
Also i want to say something, my progression has never been linear, it has always been 2 steps forward and 1 step backward, and today it was very difficult because the nightmares i had last night were very strong, i woke up shocked and feeling very weird, that's why my day was shitty.
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Quick update:
Just wanted to say that yesterday was wonderful, no anxiety, and my mood was better than usual. I'm still down to 4mg xanax/day and so far so good, i'm also taking my 20mg lexapro, but honestly i couldn't say if this is making a huge difference, i really don't know.
Also i bought some ibuprofen and anti-nausea medication at the pharmacy and they helped me a lot, especially for my tension headaches.
Today i work from 4pm to 11pm, i didn't took my first xanax dose yet so i feel light headed, i'm gonna take a cold shower before going to work as it helps me to "wake up".
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Hey guys i just wanted to say that i have nothing special to tell these times, my anxiety levels has dropped a lot and i didn't have any panic attack so far. I'm still on 4mg xanax and 20mg lexapro.
Next week i will quit my job and i will write down my experience about how it helped me, my experiences with drugs etc...
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