Really struggling...again!

[shinderuko]

A little it of backstory about me.
I first started suffering with GAD and panic attacks about 3 years ago and was quite active on this site back then. That year of my life was really difficult, I had a few sessions of CBT and was treating myself with exposure therapy. I also ended up in the hospital, had a meeting with the Crisis team and was told by IAPT I wasn't 'ill enough' to be seen by them. I broke up with my then boyfriend at the end of that year too.
By 2011 I was doing better however and managed to finish college with pretty decent grades despite my rubbish attendance levels then went on to start a job in a busy supermarket which I surprisingly enjoyed.

Fast forward to today.
I'm living with my boyfriend of 18 months in a town about 30 miles from my family home, I'm in a job that I quite enjoy and working with people I mostly really like. I hadn't had a panic attack in about a year and the last one I did have was very minor. Until last month.
Now I'm having a panic attack nearly every day. I'm really struggling with work as the thought of going in terrifies me. I've had panic attacks in work and had to come home 3 times so far. I've been to the doctors and I'm now on propranolol and have been referred for counselling. The tablets are helping slightly but obviously my panicky thoughts are still there.
My boyfriend is amazing, I don't know how he puts up with me but I now know more than ever that he loves me beyond belief.

My problem is I'm really struggling with day to day life. I'm beginning to hate myself, I don't want to get up in the morning, I'm calling in sick for work and I just want to cry all the time. My boyfriend is away tonight and it's not helping matters as I'm just sat here with the tv and my thoughts!

Sorry for the long post, I guess I just need to get stuff of my chest and have a chat.

[adelaiswonderland]

Hey,

Sounds super frustrating for you, I know how bad it feels to have a setback like that, but you got better once you can do it again! The fact that you have great support in your boyfriend shows you that it's worth fighting and carrying on. Try and keep busy though it won't help dwelling on your thoughts. You aren't alone. I hope you feel better soon. xxx

[shinderuko]

Thank you for you kind words :) I think I'm struggling more this time round as I know I can get through it but it seems worse this time. I can't seem to pick myself up at all!

[adelaiswonderland]

It might just be a phase and you'll come out of it, but if it's too hard to cope with alone maybe you should go to the doctors? The tablets could be having adverse effects on you. Don't read into that too much though! Eat healthy and get up and try your hardest to do things in the day, It's alright to cry though, have to let all those emotions vent somehow.

[shinderuko]

I was wondering about going back to the doctors on Monday about the tablets anyway and I don't tend to worry about health stuff so I won't read much at all into that! I've completely cut out caffeine and I think I feel better but could just be a placebo effect.
I'm definitely struggling with the getting up and doing stuff though. Will have to start writing a little list for myself.

[chantelle]

How long are you on propranolol? I too am on propranolol along with cipralex and was crying all the time and felt that this was so much worse than the last time (3-4 years ago) I had suffered with this. Even though I had beat this before I felt it was harder this time around.....but I have picked up this last couple of days and felt the more positive I was the better I felt and I felt that the tablets were eventually kicking in....my advice would be to persevere...I felt like giving up the fight on Wednesday and couldn't believe the change by Friday and am optimistic about the future for the first time in months.
Take care x

[shinderuko]

I've only been on them since Tuesday. I'm on 10mg twice a day at the moment. I don't really know how much of an improvement to expect from them though.