Why do I keep feeling like this?

[MissDVL]

This is my first post so first of all, hello to you all :)

I'm hoping that I can get some advice and outside perspective from some like-minded people on this site. I feel like I've exhausted every other avenue of remedies for anxiety and depression so this is my last shot!

I've suffered from anxiety and panic attacks since I was 14. This worsened nearly 4 years ago when I had my son. I had post-natal depression for about 9 months, tied in with a baby who wouldn't sleep, had colic and constantly cried and brought up his milk so constantly hungry, all while being by myself as his father and I had split.

Since that period of depression lifted, I have had some serious ups and downs. My panic attacks have become a regular, almost expected, part of my life and at any given moment when I feel happy, I can never enjoy it as I know that when there is an up, there will always be a down.

My anxiety is the bane of my life at the moment. My current OH is in prison until March 2014. Although we get to see each other 3-4 times a month while he is on day release and home leave, those times in between are a killer. There is no substance in my worries, purely the fact that my mind seems to dwell on 'what ifs' and always sees the negatives in things. Our relationship is perfect in every way except for the obvious and the only thing that keeps me going is the fact that I only have 8 months to wait until we can have a proper relationship. I'm just scared that 'something' will happen to ruin it all, whatever that 'something' is.

My confidence in my parenting has taken a whacking, despite the fact I know I have a beautiful, intelligent and polite little boy who everyone adores. I just don't feel worthy of him sometimes. I work full time to keep a roof over our heads but constantly worry about money, but at the same time every payday comes and I buy things I don't need purely because it makes me feel better.

I've been seeing a counsellor for about 7 months, which is helping me understand where my emotional issues come from (stuff to do with how I felt alone and abandoned as a child), but in the here and now it doesn't alleviate my feelings. I was on 20mg of citalopram for nearly a year, which was upped to 30mg in June, and then switched to sertraline when I felt it wasn't working anymore. I feel like it takes the edge off things, but doesn't have me where I need to be.

I struggle with my self esteem every day, I take offence at things which others wouldn't and doubt myself, the way my son sees me as his mum, the way my boyfriend loves me. I just wish I could go back to being the confident, happy 19 year old I was 4 years ago, but don't even know where to start.

Any advice/similar experiences would be greatly appreciate...sorry for the long post :(

Dani x

[aggiecuttler]

hi Dani
congratulations on having a lovely little boy, sorry your other half is having difficulties, i am certain it is hard not having him with you all the time, but keep working towards when he is back home. dont put yourself down i am sure you are a great mother, if you were not then you would not have a son who was so lovely it takes a lovely mother to have a lovely son. if your meds are not cutting it go back to your dr and disscuss it, its no use taking a tablet if its not actually working, you need to find one that is going to work for you all the time if you want to message me feel free blessings

[ElizabethJane]

Dear Miss DVL I'm sorry that your OH is in prison. It must be difficult bringing your son up on your own. It sounds as if you are a survivor. Therapy can sometimes take a long time to feel any benefit from it. It might be a long time before you feel confident again. You could ask your GP about self esteem courses? Your son will be at school/nursery soon and this will free up more time for yourself. I think that you are doing a great job in difficult circumstances. EJ

[MissDVL]

Thank you both for your kind words. To make matters worse I have been suspended from work today (I only have two weeks left there before starting a new job but still adds to the stress.)

In terms of my meds, I don't know whether any form of anti-depressant is going to help me at the moment, because I just worry so much! They are ok at keeping my general happiness at a 'normal' level (whatever that is anymore!) but I feel like my dr doesn't really get what I need the help with, which is the anxiety. I've taken diazepam before which is great short-term, but I work in substance misuse so know full well that long term dependency on benzodiazapines is not a good thing!

The therapy does help me slightly, but I really don't think I'm going to feel much better until my OH is out and that really worries me, because I've still got a good 6 months to wait. I don't like burdening my feelings on him because he has enough on his plate, although he is brilliant at reassuring me when I need it.

[Polly61]

I am not surprised you are feeling insecure and your mind is controlling your emotions. We all have our Gremlins don't we? These affect us all sometime in our life and the situation you have being on your own and looking after a little boy without the person you love and need being with you, who is unable to give you a hug and tell you "it will all be alright"! I feel for you. I have panic attacks, which come and go, but I focus on something that gives me pleasure. Can your thoughts and feelings be channeled into a positive emotion to share with your dear baby, who will feel the love and care you are giving him, which not only will make him feel very content and loved, it will help stop all the negative feelings you have about yourself. You are special, you have a beautiful baby boy, think positive thoughts and give yourself a big hug:bighug1: I am sure it will all turn out right in the end. x