Terrified of leaving husband...please help

[star2sparkle]

I wrote to a friend today and wanted to ask wise people here for their thoughts too as I am beside myself with worry.

Since his father died, my husband, has been suffering. He not only is depressed but can be very negative and verbally aggressive and sometimes obnoxious. He doesn’t wish to do anything to help himself (partly depression?) and he hates my daughter, making that very difficult for her and me (though she can be demanding, selfish and spoilt, she is also lovely, fun with a great sense of humour). He exaggerates and lies to get his own way and since I have been going out more, in a strong urge to overcome my agoraphobia and anxiety, his emotional manipulation has stepped up; texting and ringing all the time. Yet I can understand this as our relationship has been somewhat co-dependent and I have suddenly ‘flooded’ him with my absence.
But I know I must leave. I am not happy, haven’t been for a long time and I married him for the wrong reasons, was emotionally roller-coasted into it.
If I stay, I will remain mostly a carer, with him sometimes helping me, but him always being my best friend though.
If I go, I worry for him greatly and the impact it would have on him. He is isolated and he hasn’t helped himself, often alienated people. Though I do have numbers to ring for support, I fear he will turn to drink or maybe try to kill himself.
My support worker from domestic violence says I’m not responsible for him, anymore than he is responsible for me, yet I don’t feel that is what marriage/partnership is about. I’m an all or nothing kind of girl (not sure this is a good thing) and I do believe in commitment and loyalty. If you have a child, that child is your responsibility, why does not the same apply with marriage? She says that just because he helped me when I went through a terrible time with anxiety, does not mean I owe him anything. But surely I owe him respect and thought? Abandoning him in his hour of need seems so terribly wrong.
I don’t even believe he can be defined as domestically abusive, just difficult to live with as a result of his problems and deep seated issues. He also has a kind and caring heart. It worries me endlessly when I realise that if I was in town suffering a panic attack, he is the one person I know with certainty would be there for me, there is no one else I can be sure of. How absurd!
And that brings me to my own isolation. When I leave, will this get better? How inhibited am I by my own situation? I have always had high levels of motivation and since being with him, I have tried very hard to improve my situation and seek out friends. This has not always been successful. People talk as if suddenly I will be set free! (like the biased Woman’s Aid site that would say he was abusive if he so much as swore!). I know reality and I have few friends and no family. Some friends I may be able to rely on more than others and perhaps my leaving will give me even more motivation to survive and ultimately thrive (I do hope so) but because most of what I do is at home and because I do still have anxiety, will I survive? What will I do? Who can I turn to when loneliness strikes? I am leaving behind my only family.
My support worker insists I should have a clean break from him...shutting down all that co-dependency and leaving him (and myself to it) and I don’t even know if this is possible. She says if I don’t I will be drawn back in by his emotional manipulation and blackmail (what makes her think I will suddenly stop needing him?). She does say (more believably to me) that he coped before he met me and he will cope again, and this must surely apply to me also. Yet I recall how lonely and desperate I felt before I met him...and I do believe he was the same. That’s sadly why we are in this situation.
I worry about my anxiety and falling ill. Will I cope?
I ask myself how I will feel leaving behind what I have at home and realise I still look forward to talking to my steps sons and being close to them, I still enjoy watching the TV with the family in the evening. I will lose all this.
She reckons that slowly I will reclaim my life and that I have to put myself first. Why does this seem so terribly selfish? What has he really done to deserve this apart from lose his father and have a breakdown and admittedly become an obnoxious git sometimes?
She says I don’t have to make hurried decisions but I can’t keep living in limbo. I’ve lost weight and can’t sleep. I’m worried constantly and I have tried planning to the last detail, I have some of my stuff at a friend’s place who has said I could stay there till I find somewhere (which I have also been looking for).
Can you think of any pearls of wisdom that may help at this hard time? Thank you so much.

[Speranza]

The first thing I would say is that you can't really take all that on board at once.

You have actually already done the very hardest thing for anybody in this situation, which is that you have acknowledged it, sought out help, and made the decision to leave.

Those are the actions of a very strong person, well done. :hugs:

As for the rest, it will follow. Yout counsellor is right, you are not responsible. Also, it seems obvious that your husband does not share your high view of marriage. If he were your eomployer, he could be said to be 'in breach of contract'.

I have just been with a friend almost 24/7 over the weekend, supporting her in leaving somebody she loves in the very early stages of a relationship, because she found out he was lying. She was in an emotionally abusive marriage for many years and was in danger of going back into the same type of relationship - but she has had the courage to walk away from this one. She will need a lot of support but like you she has made a responsible decision about her own welfare.

Try to think what you would advise HER - would you tell her to hang in there because of the sanctity of marriage?

I was a Vicar's wife for 20 years, and I used to laugh at myself for how often I would advise people to get out of abusive relationships. Some people would have told them it was God's will, to hang in there... My grandmother was married to an abusive, violent drunk for over fifty years because she believed it was 'God's will'. I think that is an insult to whatever God you happen to believe in (or not) and I have fought ever since to help people to recognise they have power to choose the life they need for themselves.

The truth is, your husband may well end up with some of the problems you envisage. What you describe is not a healthy relationship. I'm a bit allergic to the word 'Co-dependent' but it probably fits here.

The question is, how would your staying and being further embroiled and more miserable, change that? He will not change. You can.

Just my two penn'orth. Personally, I would make the one decision which needs to be made NOW, which is "Do I leave today?" and then I would seek help for sorting out the rest of my head after that. It will be incredibly easier when you are out of there. I am sure others will be along to join us in a :grouphug: soon. xx

[Edie]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's so difficult. Sometimes loving each other is just not enough to make a relationship work.

My ex-husband became very severely ill with mental health problems and alcoholism during our marriage. He became highly manipulative, and told me he would commit suicide if I left him.

I found it very hard to leave, because his behaviour was the result of illness and wasn't his fault. I still loved him, and he had been a huge support to me in happier times. And I knew that I would feel immensely guilty if he carried through with his threats of suicide. But he refused to seek help, and things just seemed to be getting worse and worse. I rationalised that staying didn't seem to be helping him either, so if I left then at least I could sort myself out, whereas if I stayed we would both end up having breakdowns.

I don't think you will be suddenly set free, but I think you will gradually reclaim your life.

You're not completely alone, you do have a friend who is willing to take you in. Perhaps through her, you might start to make more connections. Or maybe you will seek out your own. You might be more free to do this if you left him.

Sending a massive :grouphug:

[gypcyg]

It is very difficult to leave someone that you know so well. I'm not sure if this relates to your thread Star2Sparkle but it feels right for me to post so I hope it helps :)


I fell in love with a woman who had a horrendous childhood. She was placed in the care system as a youngster and never really got over the feelings of abandonment. Before we married she hid most of her feelings (she thought I wouldn’t want someone who was damaged goods). After being married for a few months I realised that she wouldn’t let me out of her sight. She also felt jealous if I talked with or looked at another woman (her jealousy was also aimed at anyone I showed affection to including members of my family). If anything I did displeased her then she would scream at me, throw something at me or punch me. If these tactics didn’t work then she would cut herself (she had been self-harming since her teens).

Eventually we ended up with me as her carer. I wasn’t allowed out alone and I was only allowed to watch the TV programmes and films that she found acceptable (i.e. no pretty women in them). If we had an argument then it was always my fault because I wound her up. Yes I totally admit that I wasn’t a perfect husband – my patience wore thin a number of times (which I will eternally regret) and I was snappy when I was under pressure. I always apologised whenever this happened and I let her know that I loved her and that I would try harder not to let it happen again. I knew she needed me to be strong for her, I got her counselling and tried to figure out a way that she could get justice for the things that had happened to her when she was younger.

She also had a son who was a cause of many problems for us. He was a hateful selfish boy (20 when I met his mum but he acted like a 10yr old). I didn’t know what to do for the best with him – I always said that one day he might turn his life around so I never totally condemned him but he really was a waste of space – He had 2 kids (which we adored) and he would smack them really hard, spend their money on drugs, steal from his mum, attack people in the street (he had an asbo for attacking and robbing a 60yr old man in the street). He would visit every day simply because he had spent his money on drugs and wanted us to feed him and the grandkids. After a few years of this I banned him from our house and he made a vow to split us up.

Banning him did put a huge strain on us. I never wanted her to be in a position where she would have to choose between us. I always said he would be welcome again when he treated people with respect but the end was near now. He poisoned her thoughts against me (he’d been doing it for years – before I arrived on the scene he had access to his mum’s bank account and would “look after” her wages for her and he hated that I refused to lend him money after he borrowed about a thousand pounds). He knew exactly what to say to her to get her to lose trust in me and over time she did. I could feel the gap between us widening with each passing week until finally we split 2 years ago.

When we split I had been turned into the enemy and that’s what hurts the most. It hurt for a long time knowing that I’d never again be with this woman who I loved more than anyone I had ever loved before. It took me 18 months to accept that our marriage was over (in some ways it’s a relief – I felt like I’d become a prisoner) and I accept that maybe I could never really have helped her no matter how hard I tried. Time really has been a great healer – I’m actually looking forward to finding the next love of my life. I am now older and wiser and I hope that the happiness I crave will soon be within my reach – For the first time in my life I am optimistic – you need to go through the bad to find the good!

[Daisy Sue]

I've got mixed feelings on this... My first reaction when I read your post was surprise that your support worker is insisting you leave your husband.. I did feel that this was more than a bit 'crossing the lines' of a support worker!

I dunno, it feels to me like you still love him, and if not for his current changed character since the loss of his father, you'd still want to be there with him..

Has he had counselling, any help with his grief? Would he accept it if offered, if he was told his marriage depended on it?

[Speranza]

I thought that about the support worker too. I assumed it must be an extreme situation but you're right, it's not professional protocol to inisist on someone making a move.

[star2sparkle]

Thank you Speranza, your thoughts have helped greatly. My support worker doesn't insist I leave him, just that if I decide to leave him that I should have a clean break because of the emotional manipulation and constant ringing and texting. She would support and not judge me whatever I decide to do.
Daisy Sue, thank you, but no, if he did make all the right changes, we could only ever be best friends (which would be lovely) because I don't have the right feelings for him, which makes me feel very unhappy to remain in the marriage. Gypcyg...your story is so sad, for both you and the woman you were with. I hope going through the bad does mean finding the good :). For you and me both.
Edie, thank you for being so positive. I am lucky to have someone to turn to. I really don't know what the future holds. It has always been a struggle for me, throughout most of my life. How has it been for you? How are you coping after leaving your husband?
I am so worried and anxious...I feel I just can't stay for much longer.

[Speranza]

I think it is time to gently ask yourself if leaving is going to be any more horrific than staying? It sounds as though you have support, which is fantastic and more than many people have. I am thinking of you and sending you love from the bottom of my hert and willing you to have the courage you need today. xx

[star2sparkle]

Thank you Speranza. I have asked myself that so many times, whether leaving is better or worse and if I'm honest, I don't have the answer. My husband has always been there for me when I am anxious but I have to stand on my own two feet, no matter how hard that is, and seek out that courage. It is so very hard to be optimistic as I suppose I don't really feel that I do have a good support network; only a couple of friends who don't have much time and the friend I will stay with doesn't understand and prefers to talk about themselves most of the time! And no family. Even my own daughter has seen me breaking my heart only to talk about whats for tea or something! I truly feel alone but I feel that this is my time for my strength to be where my heart is...to find independence and to try and let go of my fear of being alone. To somehow build confidence. Tried that within the marriage and with his 'support' and it hasn't worked. The alternative is to become more miserable and frustrated and trapped if I stay. Sometimes I really don't know which is better! But what chance do I have of finding true happiness if I stay? None, I know that. Thank you :-)

[Speranza]

Do you realise how very brave you are, and how wonderful it is going to be to spread your wings and learn to be independent? We are here for you. xx

[Connor_cbt]

It's terribly hard to comment on your situation because its so complicated and I would deeply question anyone that offers quick answers and solutions. What is very clear is that your husbands mental health has deteriorated beyond a state which he is able to recover from alone and in detriment to your well being. I really do feel for you both. The question you really have to answer (and you may have already) is has too much water passed under the bridge? Do you feel that you want to repair your relationship or are you read to move on there is no right or wrong only what is best for you. If you are neither willing or able to commit to repairing the relationship then things will only get worse for all involved if you stay. If you do feel that with the right support, maybe even after some respite you would like to stay then you should definitely seek counselling both as a couple and individuals in order to move forward. Lastly I would just like to say that all of the above is taking into account that your husbands mental health is compromised and does also rely on his compliance. If your husband does not wish to comply you can't be responsible for that and as hard as it is the best thing for you to do is leave. If you are concerned about his well being after the split then maybe you could talk to his closest relative(s) and ask them to spend time with him after you leave in order to support him. At the end of the day you really must do what feels right for you but the worst thing you can do is stay because you feel obligated not because you want to any other choice is better than that. I wish you and your husband all the best, it is a terrible situation to be in but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[Edie]

The break up itself was hard, not helped by my ex's behaviour during it. He harassed and stalked me quite badly during that time and became rather threatening. I was so relieved when the divorce was finalised and he finally moved out (in that order), that I was just so relieved not have to walk on eggshells or be fearful in my own home any more, and was really happy to be single.

It's been 6 years now, and there has been one brief relationship, but he turned out to be a bit like my ex.

I do like my own space and am quite happy being single, but a part of me fears that I just have really poor taste in men. I'd like, eventually, to marry for companionship, but I don't know how I'd cope sharing my home.

It's not been a bed of roses, but certainly much better than staying with a guy determined to destroy us both. I have some self-confidence now, and I can talk to whoever I want without worrying how anyone's going to react.

My ex is now married with a child, so I think he must have sorted himself out too. He could be a lovely guy and had a patience with young people, so if he's well then I think he could be a great dad. So I do think maybe it might have been the right thing for both of us in the end.