View Full Version : I need help with not taking on others problems!
I've had a fairly tough couple of months helping my family deal with a lot of problems which resulted in me falling apart on the weekend, seeing a doctor on Monday to arrange counselling and having two days off work to try and regroup my mind. I got to a point where I felt okay and then Wednesday came around!
I went to work and had a relatively easy day. I got a text from my sister saying she wanted to come and stay for a week which I thought I could manage - she is visiting from overseas but is bipolar and struggling with depression due to a marriage breakup so has been pretty hard work.
Then she rang late last night to say my stepdad had left our mother! I had left my mobile at work so presume they'd all been trying to get hold of me but hadn't had any answers. Mother is apparently a mess. Youngest sister who is currently living there and has recently caused a major upset in their lives asked bipolar sister to go home to take care of mother! Youngest thinks eldest who lives in the same town (bipolar is currently 3 hours away and I'm 5) won't be any help which is probably true given past experience!
The only surprise about this is that stepdad has taken such a decisive step. Mother has been nothing but nasty to him for 18 years - fairly sure she has some mental health issues but she won't get help - so its no surprise that he doesn't want to be in the relationship.
How do I be supportive without being the one to "solve" the problem? I can't take on the stress of this mess - I don't want to, I think its only fair that he's made this decision but trying to untangle their lives is going to be a nightmare! I want to show them both that I care but without getting too involved. I can't see the counsellor for another 3 weeks but this is what I was hoping to get some help with! Any ideas?
Certainly it is something to bring up first thing with the counsellor - 'Boundary issues'. It's a tough one. I've taken many years to come to terms with it. My daughters always joke that I have an invisible 'Tell Me Everything' hat - complete strangers have found me to disclose the most bizarre things... but I recognise now that at some level I encourage that by how I am.
Of course - it is very much who I am. But once you are really honest with yourself about 'what's in itfor me' (which the counselling will help with) you will know the best way for you to draw your boundaries. We are all different.
Anyway - until you see the counsellor... There is nothing wrong with listening sympathetically and reflecting their issues back, eg "You know I'm here for you but obviously you need to decide... X,Y,Z." The key for me was realising that I was actually deskilling people (with the best of intentions). And that for me there was possibly a hint of arraogance in thinking I did have the answers. But it is hard when people always turn to you.
You can always run things past people here... good luck with it. And remember... It is okay to be there for people without having to make everything right for them. x
Thank you! Funny about the strangers telling you stuff - I get that all the time too and wondered why.
Come to think of it, it hasn't happened for quite a while! I mean really serious stuff, like being a priest in the confessional.
It's a bit New-Agey but there is some interesting stuff about being an Empath out there, which is really just a New Age take on being highly sensitive and recpetive to other people. There are some helpful strategies which you can use whether or not you think it's bull... ;)
Well, from an objective point of view, I would say you already have enough on your plate. More than enough. Sounds like you have compromised your own well-being by "being there" for others. This does, as you have found out, take it's toll. Right now my suggestion is LOOK AFTER NUMBER ONE, I.e. YOU.....
I would think that as you are there for others often, this won't feel achievable. It might even sound selfish, but it isn't. It is a fact , you need to look after yourself,
If you don't, then in the longer term, even once you feel better, you won't have the capacity to be there for others. You are probably physically and mentally exhausted and need a break,
Also, remember this, your mother and step-father and not your responsibility. They are adults. Even if your mum has mental health problems it's up to her to sort those out. Not you. Whilst you might be considered part of her support network ... You do not have to get involved,
I speak from my own experience where I was too involved with issues my mother has had. It has not helped me ever to be too involved, she used to get very angry when I tried to help. She always saw it as interference. So eventually I learned the hard way.
If I were you, I would offer sympathy of course, but come on, you have a sister who is putting in you at a difficult time for yourself, what you least need is to add more pressure on yourself.
So you take it easy.... You are entitled to do that. All this isn't your mess to unpick.
Please Look after yourself.
---------- Post added at 20:53 ---------- Previous post was at 20:47 ----------
Oh, I don't so much get people confiding in me, instead I am really sensitive to other people's moods. I seem to notice every little thing, good and bad. It was a survival technique for me when I was younger. Of course I don't need to be like that anymore but can't seem to switch off. Then of course I find myself drawn in. Like it is my responsibility to "make it better". Many times I have found myself trying to make someone feel better but got short shrift. I think I just hate seeing people unhappy. But it does put you in the firing line I am afraid.
This is a tough tug o' war between damaging yourself, and helping another person. Got to weigh it out each time for yourself.
But how do you express sympathy without being involved. Clearly one or both will want to talk to me about it - do I tell them I can't discuss it? How does one listen without offering suggestions for their next step? I certainly don't intend to get involved to the point of finding mother somewhere else to live, etc but I know she's going to want my advice on what she may be entitled to regarding their property (I'm a lawyer but intend on telling her its a conflict of interest to advise her). I'm really not good at listening without offering help!
You have answered your own questions. You actually know what to do, it's just you are anticipating it being hard to carry through.
Small steps...
Tessar, I really relate. I discovered eventually through counselling that my sensitivity and empathy (great characteristics if you don't let then run/ruin your life!) probably came from needing to be hypervigilant as a child so that my Mum didn't hurt me.
PML, if you are a lawyer then your professional persona will also be feeding into this. Perhaps in your head (if you can't say it with humour - if you can, say it!) you can visualise saying, "I'd have to charge you I'm afraid!" and handing them a huge bill for your time.
And remember what I said about it being potentially arrogant to know what is best. As Tessar said, they are adults. Just looking at it as you all being adults, and remembering you are not their Mum, might shift your perspective enough to help you make those changes.
I am with Tessar with this post. I will help people as much as I can, but I have learned from experience when to say I cannot cope with this one (whatever) and I refuse as it is out of my league. I am having time to myself now as advice from my GP and I have taken that advice. There is only so much a person can take.
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