OCDsucks2013
24-07-13, 21:57
So.. new here, but not new to OCD. My OCD started when I was 18, and pregnant with my first child. I started developing worries about contamination, pre-occupations with bodily fluids, and just a general fear of being contaminated.
Anyway, by no means have I been a.. or what seems to be the general idea of what a person with OCD has typically lived like. I used to do drugs, run away from home, skip school, kind of promiscuous with men, up until 18 years old or what not (ran away at 17 and was homeless until 18)
So by no means have I always been this perfect little person who developed OCD to no suprise to the family. Although I was diagnosed bi-polar when I was 13, but until a few years ago, really haven't experienced much difficulty with my bi-polar, if in fact that is what I had or maybe it was the drugs? Idk. I have had family members say that they did notice some OCD when I was younger, but I don't recall it, so it was not stressful enough to mess with my life.
Anyway, this went on up until I was 20 years old. My OCD ebbed and waned through out this time. Some incidents worse than others, I was also drinking which exacerbated my issues and caused fights between my husband and I (married when I was 19.) Not an alcoholic, but just on occasion. I would have thoughts of what if I touched that, I would take pictures of potential contamination to review if I needed to later, or to show to my husband if I needed to ask. I would wash and re wash laundry over and over until I just layed on the bed in exhaustion.
I worried about things like bug eggs getting on me, and it limited my ability to live a spontaneous life. I worried about whether I would step on a condom or needle or something like that. I didn't want to use public bathrooms, worried about catching an STD, and worried about all sorts of other issues. Had to get rid of our cat because it disgusted me when he rubbed on my leg, and I would have to take whole showers. My hands were red and chapped, and bleeding, dry and cracked. To this day I still have not regained the normal texture of my hands, they are pretty dry all the time and can easily crack if I over wash. But washing is not my main theme anymore.
It really bothered my husband as well and impeded on his life because I would ask him to go back and look at something I saw as contaminated to "verify" what it was and whether I should be worried about it. I would throw away perfectly good things. Gallons of milk, rolls of toilet paper, paper towels, diapers, razors. I feared that maybe these things were already opened, and I didn't realize it (even though I had just opened it myself, I still had doubts about it.)
Anyways, I really wish I still had those problems, and not my current "ocd" theme. Basically when I got pregnant with my second son, I went off my medicine on my own, with out consulting a doctor, and then my OCD symptoms started surfacing in an extreme way. I was suddenly worried about what if I had ever cheated on my husband. (I worried that a time when I had been drunk and hanging out with friends) that I had done something and didn't have memory of it, because I had been drinking. It's not an all around uncalled for fear, I mean people do stupid stuff when they are drunk.
Except I was asking people question, drilling them about every time I remember being with them with out my husband, even if I know I didn't drink at the time, I was worried I did and just don't remember. Then I was calling people I hadn't hung out with in YEARS, even worrying about times from before I was with my husband wondering if I am making a mistake on the time frame and it was when I was with him, and questioning people about whether I had hit on them or slept with them even though I knew I didn't recall it.. just basically making myself look like a psycho.
Then once we moved closed to my husbands work, I was still researching on the internet, contacting people through facebook asking questions, calling people to find out other peoples numbers to ask them questions. Subtly hinting to get answers to my questions. I was confessing my thoughts to my husband, and although he took it well it still must've been a little worrisome for him.
Anyways, as I was researching online, I saw some stuff about people worrying they were pedophiles, having intrusive thoughts, worrying about groinal responses and attraction. I had recently started questioning my ability as a parent, and was questioning whether I had intentionally ever let anything happen to my kid, or whether I had been a participant in something happening, and I just didn't remember, or maybe due to carelessness something happened. Again I was questioning people about this and that trying to figure out exactly what was going on this or that day.
Anyways, needless to say this caused even more stress with my husband. I became slightly paranoid, and if someone would talk to me, i would question myself on whether they asked me or told me something about molesting my son, even though i knew they didn't but I doubted what I knew. I was worried about being psychotic, but this still seemed like OCD because of the guilt, doubts and anxiety. Fast forward to CPS being called, moving to my moms house, and several months later, I'm back home, anyways, going to wrap this up, fast forward some more, I am now back to worrying whether I am attracted to my kids, getting actual intrusive "urges" to act on my thoughts. Not because I am sexually interested, but just a general urge. I am wondering is this part of my OCD, although I am pretty sure it is, but then again not sure.
I am very doubtful about what I am experiencing. These POCD thoughts didn't start until I was 20.. wouldn't i have known if I was attracted to kids by then? Also these are not thoughts that I want, they are TOTALLY unwanted, but I'm worried I am a pedophile or something, and I worry that I am attracted and want to sexually act out, even though I don't because molestation, etc, has always been something I viewed as wrong. If you would have asked me the worst crime someone could committ, i would say sexual crimes, but now I am just so unsure of my thoughts, feelings, ideas and urges that accompany OCD. I'm very very confused and distressed over this. As this being true would mean an end to my life as I know it. Help, thoughts?
---------- Post added at 14:57 ---------- Previous post was at 13:12 ----------
Anyone?
Anyway, by no means have I been a.. or what seems to be the general idea of what a person with OCD has typically lived like. I used to do drugs, run away from home, skip school, kind of promiscuous with men, up until 18 years old or what not (ran away at 17 and was homeless until 18)
So by no means have I always been this perfect little person who developed OCD to no suprise to the family. Although I was diagnosed bi-polar when I was 13, but until a few years ago, really haven't experienced much difficulty with my bi-polar, if in fact that is what I had or maybe it was the drugs? Idk. I have had family members say that they did notice some OCD when I was younger, but I don't recall it, so it was not stressful enough to mess with my life.
Anyway, this went on up until I was 20 years old. My OCD ebbed and waned through out this time. Some incidents worse than others, I was also drinking which exacerbated my issues and caused fights between my husband and I (married when I was 19.) Not an alcoholic, but just on occasion. I would have thoughts of what if I touched that, I would take pictures of potential contamination to review if I needed to later, or to show to my husband if I needed to ask. I would wash and re wash laundry over and over until I just layed on the bed in exhaustion.
I worried about things like bug eggs getting on me, and it limited my ability to live a spontaneous life. I worried about whether I would step on a condom or needle or something like that. I didn't want to use public bathrooms, worried about catching an STD, and worried about all sorts of other issues. Had to get rid of our cat because it disgusted me when he rubbed on my leg, and I would have to take whole showers. My hands were red and chapped, and bleeding, dry and cracked. To this day I still have not regained the normal texture of my hands, they are pretty dry all the time and can easily crack if I over wash. But washing is not my main theme anymore.
It really bothered my husband as well and impeded on his life because I would ask him to go back and look at something I saw as contaminated to "verify" what it was and whether I should be worried about it. I would throw away perfectly good things. Gallons of milk, rolls of toilet paper, paper towels, diapers, razors. I feared that maybe these things were already opened, and I didn't realize it (even though I had just opened it myself, I still had doubts about it.)
Anyways, I really wish I still had those problems, and not my current "ocd" theme. Basically when I got pregnant with my second son, I went off my medicine on my own, with out consulting a doctor, and then my OCD symptoms started surfacing in an extreme way. I was suddenly worried about what if I had ever cheated on my husband. (I worried that a time when I had been drunk and hanging out with friends) that I had done something and didn't have memory of it, because I had been drinking. It's not an all around uncalled for fear, I mean people do stupid stuff when they are drunk.
Except I was asking people question, drilling them about every time I remember being with them with out my husband, even if I know I didn't drink at the time, I was worried I did and just don't remember. Then I was calling people I hadn't hung out with in YEARS, even worrying about times from before I was with my husband wondering if I am making a mistake on the time frame and it was when I was with him, and questioning people about whether I had hit on them or slept with them even though I knew I didn't recall it.. just basically making myself look like a psycho.
Then once we moved closed to my husbands work, I was still researching on the internet, contacting people through facebook asking questions, calling people to find out other peoples numbers to ask them questions. Subtly hinting to get answers to my questions. I was confessing my thoughts to my husband, and although he took it well it still must've been a little worrisome for him.
Anyways, as I was researching online, I saw some stuff about people worrying they were pedophiles, having intrusive thoughts, worrying about groinal responses and attraction. I had recently started questioning my ability as a parent, and was questioning whether I had intentionally ever let anything happen to my kid, or whether I had been a participant in something happening, and I just didn't remember, or maybe due to carelessness something happened. Again I was questioning people about this and that trying to figure out exactly what was going on this or that day.
Anyways, needless to say this caused even more stress with my husband. I became slightly paranoid, and if someone would talk to me, i would question myself on whether they asked me or told me something about molesting my son, even though i knew they didn't but I doubted what I knew. I was worried about being psychotic, but this still seemed like OCD because of the guilt, doubts and anxiety. Fast forward to CPS being called, moving to my moms house, and several months later, I'm back home, anyways, going to wrap this up, fast forward some more, I am now back to worrying whether I am attracted to my kids, getting actual intrusive "urges" to act on my thoughts. Not because I am sexually interested, but just a general urge. I am wondering is this part of my OCD, although I am pretty sure it is, but then again not sure.
I am very doubtful about what I am experiencing. These POCD thoughts didn't start until I was 20.. wouldn't i have known if I was attracted to kids by then? Also these are not thoughts that I want, they are TOTALLY unwanted, but I'm worried I am a pedophile or something, and I worry that I am attracted and want to sexually act out, even though I don't because molestation, etc, has always been something I viewed as wrong. If you would have asked me the worst crime someone could committ, i would say sexual crimes, but now I am just so unsure of my thoughts, feelings, ideas and urges that accompany OCD. I'm very very confused and distressed over this. As this being true would mean an end to my life as I know it. Help, thoughts?
---------- Post added at 14:57 ---------- Previous post was at 13:12 ----------
Anyone?