Struggling again!!!

[Gman28]

Well I haven't been on here in a while since life has been going pretty smooth apart from a nasty blip a couple months back.
Unfortunately I'm having a awful time again, I've had to take more time off work again as my anxiety and low mood is that bad.
My excistential thoughts have been in full swing and constantly plaguing my mind 'what are humans? ' 'why do I exist?' 'whats the point in life if we die anyway?'. I know these are deeply morbid thoughts but they won't stop and im afraid its going to send me over the edge. I have had a lot of suicidal thoughts and feelings but have expressed this to my doctor and councillor, luckily im terrified of these thoughts im just scared that I won't be happy again and suicide becomes my only option.
Me and my girlfriend are expecting our first child in February and at first I was over joyed now all I think is 'what if I'm still ill? ' 'what if I can't work again? ' 'what if i cant cope?' being off work fills me with extreme guilt as I've always had a strong work ethic and being a man I think I should be the one out there earning money not letting everyone down by staying off work. So sick off these intrusive thoughts now and feelings of worthlessness. Any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated guys.

Im also taking venlafaxine 34.5mg, 1 in the morning and two at night, also I attend councilling once a week and meditate daily.

[Sparkle1984]

Sorry to hear you're feeling bad. I also suffer from existential thoughts, including ones like "Why do we exist?", "What happens when we die?" and when I'm really low I get the one about "What's the point in life if we all end up dying anyway?"

These are some notes I've written down from various sources to help me deal with these thoughts when they arise:

“If there was no point to life, we wouldn't exist. Some people say we are here by some random accident. Stop and have a look around - I mean really look. Can all of this really be a cosmic accident? If everything happens by random chance, how is it that human beings can understand the way the universe appears to work - how can our maths and our science make any sense of anything? Why are the galaxies around us laid out like a chequerboard pattern?

How can our world be so pleasant and beautiful to us? Is that all an accident as well? Why do we feel love and happiness? Why can animals feel it too - how come humans can co-exist with dogs, cats, horses, pigs, cows, even dolphins? If this was all an accident, wouldn't we still be a glowing green slime lying in a rock pool somewhere? How could we evolve from that slime to what we are today?” (source: http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=46980)

Fear of death is an irrational fear because dying is something that happens to everyone and we have no control over it. The worrying can’t change it at all.

“We don't know what happens once we pass but we do know that once someone dies there is a sudden peacefulness and tranquility about a person even if they were suffering in life.
I have read many reports written by people who have died and been revived and have yet to read anything bad. I have not read of anyone feeling fear or anxiety only how peaceful, calm and surrounded by love they felt.” (source: http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=119081)

I mentioned my fear of death to my sister. She said that she believes there probably is something after death. She talked about how mediums are able to communicate with spirits – she admitted that some of them are probably hoaxers, but that a lot of them probably are genuine. She said that she has been to see medium shows herself and sometimes they say things that they couldn’t have possibly known. She also mentioned about the amount of ghost sightings around the world, again, some of them may be fake, but as there are so many of them, some of them are bound to be real. She also said that sometimes she can sense her grandmother (on her father’s side of the family) watching over her. She said that if she’s feeling particularly scared about something, she will ask her grandmother to help, and then she gets a feeling of peace. She also said that several other people on her father’s side of the family have had experiences with ghosts.
My step-dad also told me about supernatural experiences – eg seeing a ghost of his old cat out of the corner of his eye (this has happened several times over the years) and someone touched him on the back when he was in the conservatory a few weeks ago.
I have also had several unexplained, weird experiences when I was a bit younger, which have made me believe that there is more to life than this.


Worrying you'll never get back to your old self is also a common symptom of anxiety and depression, and I get that whenever I go through an episode.

“Of course you will [get back to your old self]! You just can't see it yet. It's called "not seeing the wood for the trees".

When you're in the grip of anxiety and depression it is very difficult to get a realistic view of the bigger picture. Stress, negative thinking, bad memories, all of this conspired to keep you trapped in a state of fear. If you weren't afraid, you would start getting well again, and if that happens the anxiety and depression will die. So they do everything in their power to make you miserable!

You are you - there is a personality, a set of behaviours and a way of thinking that you will recognise as being consistently yours. Anxiety and depression may de-rail you for a while but you can and will get back on track. Stop worrying about it and start working at it! The less time you spend allowing fear to paralyse you and distract you, the sooner you can get back to being you!

Your body is designed to recover from anything. If you catch flu, you don't have flu for eighteen years. If you break your leg, your body will attempt to heal the bone and tissue damage so you can walk again. This is the most common type of negative thought, it is often the most distressing, and it's a common symptom of depression.” (source: http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=46980)

It sounds like you're doing all the right things to recover, so I believe you'll get there. :) How long have you been on venlafaxine now?

[Speranza]

Great reply, thank you!

[Gman28]

Thanks for the reply, it means alot, I started on venlafaxine 2x 34.5mg 9 months ago and then I upped to an extra tablet at night 5 days ago. These excistential thoughts are really debilitating and leaves me with a thick depersonalisation and everything feels completely meaningless.

[BessieMae*candothis!]

Sparkle1984 Thank you for that reply!! It really hit home for me and made me remember that I WILL get better and have suffered little blips like this and have always bounced back. The mind is so powerful and its important to remember that!! In with the positive, OUT WITH THE NEGATIVE. I too suffer from the fear of dying, but I remind myself that I am not the only one that isn't getting out of this life alive!!!! Its all about perspective