Can anyone relate?

[markaymay]

Hi everyone. I'm not really sure why I am even doing this right now but something deep inside me tells me that just getting my story out there and hearing other people's input who can relate will be one of the best feelings in this world will give me a little bit of the hope and reassurance i need.

My back story
All through my childhood and highschool years I was a lively, fun, outgoing, free spirit with a strong supportive family and many happy memories. And this is who I know I still am somewhere deep down but that girl is lost and i would do almost anything to find her again...

I am 21 years old and just started my bout with serious anxiety in September of 2012. Just as a little back story to all of this... I went straight out of highschool into nursing school and just graduated in May of 2012. Feb 2012 i met the love of my life, May graduated from nursing school, July 2012 got engaged, started my new job as a nurse this same month, was moving into an apartment in september and was planning my wedding for November.

This all started after a night of heavy drinking. I woke up with a horrible hangover but eh, that's nothing new for me until my heart starts to race uncontrollably and i have what i consider to be the mother of all panic attacks ( all though i did not know this was what was happening at this time). I was rushed to the ER in an ambulance, i was having heart arrhythmias so bad they had to give me adenosine 3 times (a medicine that momentarily stops your heart). Long story short i was in the hospital for three nights having every test done known to man. I was sent home with no more than the directions to avoid alcohol and caffeine.

I saw a few other doctors after the hospital and a few of them brought up the possibility of anxiety but i almost took offense to it. Me? Anxiety? a panic attack? No, absolutely not, there has to be something medically wrong with me. I am 21 i have everything going for me, im not a high strung crazy person that is not what this is. I was completely in denial. Not only was i in denial but it had started to sink in that i did not feel like the young funny outgoing vibrant girl that i used to be.

I felt alone, constantly afraid, unhappy, tearful, angry, depressed... but why? what is wrong with me i thought. at first i chalked it up to growing up too fast and being scared for my health. i thought i would drop dead at any moment. it wasnt until i had a recurrent panic attack after another night of heavy drinking that i was given a xanax and felt remotely calm after about 30 mins. This should have made me feel better right? Wrong. The next day i was a basket case all i could think was oh my god i am really crazy, i have a mental disorder, i am not well how did i let this happen to myself where did i go, i feel like i am drowning. I am not this fearful pathetic person!!

After sitting with these thoughts for a few days i decided to see my Dr who set me up with a psychologist and prescribed me xanax. Knowing i had that and finally hearing yes you with out a doubt have panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder did help with the confusion of it all, but the embarrassment was still there. in the following months, my fiance now husband was laid off from his job the week before our wedding, my best friend's mother killed herself, and i tore my MCL while skiing. Needless to say things did not get much better for me.

its now been about 4 months since my last huge set back and i have since ready many books and learned how to talk myself down from a panic attack but i still cant help but feel like this anxiety is something that i will never be able to shake. yes, i can talk myself down from a panic attack but thats not the problem. The problem now is i feel that the anxiety and my way of thinking is so deep seeded in my nervous system that it will always be with me even if i know how to talk myself down from panic. All i want is to not feel alone anymore, to not feel like everything in my life will forever be tainted now, to feel like i can enjoy and embrace everything that life has to throw at me without constant worry. where is that girl i once knew. where is that genuine happiness i long for so badly... someone please help me. where did i go so wrong? how can i get me back? I feel like my spirit is slowly dying...

[LollyPolly]

hi sweetie .... i'm really sorry to hear you suffer... i can relate so much to your story! i was as you say, a lively, fun, outgoing, free spirit and it all came to an end the night i've overdone it... in my case drugs & alcohol. i, like you, ended up in the hospital with my heart being checked from every angle. i remember one PA, in AE was given an diazepam and another similar tablet but i had so much adrenaline running through my veins that it didn't do much to me :blush:

anyway, a few months later it transpires that my heart was ok and it was all related to PA. And ever since, i could not shake that feeling off. Like you say, it feels that the anxiety is so deep seeded and my brain just refuses to forget the fear.

i feel like my life has been absolutely shattered by this and i ask myself daily if this will ever end... i'm 31, the thought of another 40-50 years of this is not a pleasant thought to have going around my head. for me, i'm starting to understand how painful it is to realise that that 'old girl i was' is lost and miss her so much ... it's pure pain to look in the mirror

although over the years i feel a went down rather then up, i have some hope left as i've heard a lot of cases where people did overcome it and went on to have a normal life. i really think that this a behavioural problem and not a 'hardware' problem and that gives me a lot of hope. if only i could find the way to break the cycle :/

in my case, i know that a complete 'holiday' from everything, a year long somewhere calm and green, without the stress of having to work and provide for myself would do wonders... but, unfortunately, that is not an option for me :weep: so i've not started taking meds hoping that this will give me the break that i need.
perhaps this is something you could do, not necessarily a year, but perhaps somewhere to retreat for a while...

as for you, should i understand that you are still taking xanax? is it helping?

you mentioned your hubby losing his job, is he still unemployed? i personally think that if he could take most of the day to day stress off you, would help give you the time and space to try and heal yourself...

another option is therapy - is this something you would consider?

you have the advantage that you're taking the right steps very early on... it will take work and it won't be easy, but the sooner is addressed, the better. the support of your family and friends will also be tremendously helpful, i believe that the more you feel comfortable to 'expose' yourself and tell people the truth the better...

i really wish all the best... i know what you are going through, but keep it up, believe in yourself, you're body is much stronger than it looks...

[markaymay]

Thank you so much for replying. Its amazing to me how closely a lot of our stories here run together. It is a constant battle/struggle for me but I am learning coping skills. As for the xanax I haven't refilled them. I had 30 pills prescribed to me back in october and just took the last one last month. The only time i really took them was during an actual panic attack, when i would feel really overwhelmed. I thought about not getting the prescription filled because i really really hate taking medicines but it is nice to have them and know that if things would get too much i have something to take that can ease the panic and that is very comforting. I just really dont like the idea of taking a drug that i know is altering my brain even if this is for the better if that make sense. Therapist wise, i only went that one time and after i left i felt a lot better because i felt like someone finally understood me and i knew the reasons behind the way i was feeling. I never went back though because honestly i was too proud and felt like going back was just giving into myself thinking i was crazy and not normal. Im sure it would be helpful mostly just to have someone to talk to so i may look back into it. My husband did just get a very good job. The down side is that he will be working out of town every week and only home on the weekends which is not ideal but i guess its manageable. I would love to take like a year off work to just relax but that is completely unrealistic i did just decrease my hours at work though so that should be helping. Thank you again so much for your reply. it feels so good to relate to someone and feel reassured!