New and in need of some hope

[markaymay]

Hi everyone. I'm not really sure why I am even doing this right now but something deep inside me tells me that just getting my story out there and hearing other people's input who can relate will be one of the best feelings in this world will give me a little bit of the hope and reassurance i need.

My back story
All through my childhood and highschool years I was a lively, fun, outgoing, free spirit with a strong supportive family and many happy memories. And this is who I know I still am somewhere deep down but that girl is lost and i would do almost anything to find her again...

I am 21 years old and just started my bout with serious anxiety in September of 2012. Just as a little back story to all of this... I went straight out of highschool into nursing school and just graduated in May of 2012. Feb 2012 i met the love of my life, May graduated from nursing school, July 2012 got engaged, started my new job as a nurse this same month, was moving into an apartment in september and was planning my wedding for November.

This all started after a night of heavy drinking. I woke up with a horrible hangover but eh, that's nothing new for me until my heart starts to race uncontrollably and i have what i consider to be the mother of all panic attacks ( all though i did not know this was what was happening at this time). I was rushed to the ER in an ambulance, i was having heart arrhythmias so bad they had to give me adenosine 3 times (a medicine that momentarily stops your heart). Long story short i was in the hospital for three nights having every test done known to man. I was sent home with no more than the directions to avoid alcohol and caffeine.

I saw a few other doctors after the hospital and a few of them brought up the possibility of anxiety but i almost took offense to it. Me? Anxiety? a panic attack? No, absolutely not, there has to be something medically wrong with me. I am 21 i have everything going for me, im not a high strung crazy person that is not what this is. I was completely in denial. Not only was i in denial but it had started to sink in that i did not feel like the young funny outgoing vibrant girl that i used to be.

I felt alone, constantly afraid, unhappy, tearful, angry, depressed... but why? what is wrong with me i thought. at first i chalked it up to growing up too fast and being scared for my health. i thought i would drop dead at any moment. it wasnt until i had a recurrent panic attack after another night of heavy drinking that i was given a xanax and felt remotely calm after about 30 mins. This should have made me feel better right? Wrong. The next day i was a basket case all i could think was oh my god i am really crazy, i have a mental disorder, i am not well how did i let this happen to myself where did i go, i feel like i am drowning. I am not this fearful pathetic person!!

After sitting with these thoughts for a few days i decided to see my Dr who set me up with a psychologist and prescribed me xanax. Knowing i had that and finally hearing yes you with out a doubt have panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder did help with the confusion of it all, but the embarrassment was still there. in the following months, my fiance now husband was laid off from his job the week before our wedding, my best friend's mother killed herself, and i tore my MCL while skiing. Needless to say things did not get much better for me.

its now been about 4 months since my last huge set back and i have since ready many books and learned how to talk myself down from a panic attack but i still cant help but feel like this anxiety is something that i will never be able to shake. yes, i can talk myself down from a panic attack but thats not the problem. The problem now is i feel that the anxiety and my way of thinking is so deep seeded in my nervous system that it will always be with me even if i know how to talk myself down from panic. All i want is to not feel alone anymore, to not feel like everything in my life will forever be tainted now, to feel like i can enjoy and embrace everything that life has to throw at me without constant worry. where is that girl i once knew. where is that genuine happiness i long for so badly... someone please help me. where did i go so wrong? how can i get me back? I feel like my spirit is slowly dying...

[Tufty]

Hello,

Thank you for sharing your story, your history sounds similar to mine including the nursing and not being a highly strung person, I am however a little older than you.

I don't believe your anxiety is so deep seated that it will always be with you, you had 21 years without it - what you're feeling at the moment is the result of a build of years of stress, high school to nurse training, marriage, moving plus lots more you take in your stride without mentioning. Accept that time will heal your nervous system, you don't mention if you're still working but try to take really good care of yourself, teach yourself to meditate, moderate exercise and sleep as needed.

You are definitely not alone with this, this forum is great for advice and support. I read yesterday that 1 in 2 people now suffer with stress, anxiety/depression, it is unfortunately becoming more 'normal' that not. You will get over this and life will return to normal without constantly thinking about anxiety. Your confidence will return but start with small tasks, do not push yourself to hard, it sounds like you berate yourself for feeling this way - you did not choose it, you did nothing wrong it is just your bodies way of letting you know that it's exhausted and you need to re think your life.

It can feel like you have lost yourself and that your spirit is somehow destroyed by the suffering but you are still you and most of us with anxiety and depression are the strongest, spirited people out there and commonly in the caring or teaching professions. Try to stop searching for answers, let the anxiety be for now, it's great that you have learnt about panic attacks and it sounds like you are managing them well. The anxiety is not going to suddenly go, as I say it's taken years to develop into this and you are so strong you probably ignored the warning signs. It's going to take time for those sensitised nerves to repair.

Are you still seeing the psychologist or receiving any talking therapies? These may help you recover further by increasing your understanding of why you feel like you do now.

On a positive note I would like to add that over the years I have had episodes of panic attacks, leading to generalised anxiety and then depression. It never lasts, I always get better and slowly start enjoying life again. Recovery takes time and is hard but you will get better. I've yet to learn the lessons from my breakdowns and don't heed the warning signs. I don't believe in years of psychotherapy, my life is good and I wouldn't change anything apart from how I feel. You've read some books on the matter which is great, I have found Claire Weeks, Self help for your nerves and The curse of the strong by Tim ?? the most helpful and recommend them.

Please don't lose hope, you will feel genuinely happy again, stop pushing yourself and give it some more time.

PM if you want to chat

Sam

[Speranza]

Hi, and :welcome: You sound like a tough cookie and you have accessed the help you need, which is a strong and brave thing to do. I echo what Sam says, I know you will be fine, and this was a great place for you to come. No doubt you will be passing on tips to the rest of us in no time. ;) xx