Monophobia with emetophobia and agoraphobia...what to do??

[star2sparkle]

It is me again, talking to you kind people here :)
You gave me some supportive advice. I was about to leave my husband who can be emotionally manipulative due to depression, insecurity and is a recovering alcoholic.
Sadly, my 'friend' who I was going to stay with, let me down on the day! I was all ready to go, bag packed and he texted to basically say no. That day was one of the worse of my life as I still had to take my daughter to her induction at college (and I still suffer from agoraphobia) so my world just fell apart. I took my daughter, went home and through being so distraught, blurted out to my husband that I wanted to leave him. Though of course now I had nowhere to go! Ironically he comforted me because I was so upset and now thinks we are trying to make it better! He is trying but I still want to leave because I feel so trapped and I'm not in love with him anymore.
My 'friend' I have become very wary of, as you can imagine. He managed to trigger a chain of events to make it even harder for me (though he hasn't really got the brains to even figure this). But he is one of my few friends.
I am still terrified. I am looking for somewhere to rent and really really looking. Help for mental health in my area is all but nil. This I must do alone. As I said, just a couple of friends who I would hardly see when I leave. Of course where I am now with my husband is secure and I have no choice but to wait till something right comes up (can't leave my dog behind) but all this is so much to cope with. Now I have to pretend even more. I don't know if I can take my daughter. I suffer from emetophobia as well and if I took her, I'd always be worried she'd get ill (that's why she hasn't lived with me till now! She is 16) and she is also very very selfish and demanding (Our fault for spoiling her I believe) but at least if she was with me it would help with the loneliness. She doesn't really understand the anxiety and agoraphobia. And could this all get worse?
I'm in such a terrible mess. I'm trapped and miserable if I stay and if I go....? will it get better? I try everything to make new friends and get out there but nothing has really worked.
Please please help.

[star2sparkle]

Was just feeling lonely and looked but no one has answered...please don't tell me my problems are insurmountable? :weep:

[flossie]

No your problems are not insurmountable but, just speaking for myself here, I don't think it my place to give you advice on your marriage.
I am happy to support you through the decisions you make though and you seem to be doing all you can to find a new home.
For your anxiety problems have you tried No Panic? They can help support you through their telephone helpline and CBT courses.
I am sorry that I cannot help you in any other way but I wanted to let you know that we are here for you while you go through this rough time.
:hugs:

[Kim51]

No your problems are not insurmountable but, just speaking for myself here, I don't think it my place to give you advice on your marriage.
I am happy to support you through the decisions you make though and you seem to be doing all you can to find a new home.
For your anxiety problems have you tried No Panic? They can help support you through their telephone helpline and CBT courses.
I am sorry that I cannot help you in any other way but I wanted to let you know that we are here for you while you go through this rough time.
:hugs:

Hi I too did read you post and wanted to answer but because of the bad place I am in from the other side of the coin I didn't know what to say, my husband walked out on me on Friday, so I am seeing it from other angle, but like flossie we are here for support. Xx Kim :hugs::hugs:

[star2sparkle]

Hi Flossie

Thank you so much for your thoughts. I am leaving my marriage anyway, so I don't need advice or guidance with regards to that :). I will always feel unhappy if I stay, despite the security.
It was more so to do with being all alone, lack of friends and family.
And having my daughter with me (emetophobia).
I have had anxiety related problems for 30 years and have never really found the right help. CBT is very good but I don't believe it is right for people with deep seated problems such as myself :) but as I said, there isn't help in my area so I actually practise CBT on myself all the time.

---------- Post added at 09:13 ---------- Previous post was at 09:11 ----------

Hi Kim

I am so sorry to hear that. I do hope you are receiving lots of support? This is, after all, what we all need :).

[Col]

Hi star to sparkle - hope your doing ok.

I presume your daughters been living with her biological dad
(excuse me for being personal ) ?? As you say shes not lived with you. My point is you need to be careful here because if she stays with you out of your loneliness - that's not good because those are your needs and not hers. You need to maintain your relationship with her so I think you should give your daughter the option of moving out with you and make her aware of this potential move before it reaches 'boiling point'. That way your putting her first despite your ematopbobia & your ideas of loneliness. I think if you start thinking about your needs first, especially since shes only just moved back with you, this in itself could lead to a relationship breakdown between you & your daughter. Which right now you really don't need as your marriage sounds 'on the brink'. Plus she's starting out in life being 16 and starting a college course , so think of the disturbance all this could have on her attitude and emotions.

Your husband - very sad you feel like this! Are you absolutly sure your making the right decision and I think maybe try and stay away from being dependant on friends and family and find a place on your own because as it sounds, your male friend had an agenda???

Don't overcomplicte your distress even more by involving people, who really don't need to be involved.

Ultimately you need to be sure you want to leave your hubby, make proper living arrangments and give your daughter the option to live with you.

I don't want to sound like a no it all with my above comments , just trying to make the situation as problem free for you as an outsider ,looking in!

Plus I come from a very hostile family and my parents had a very messy final separation. You wouldn't believe. Also as a fellow anxiety sufferer , I'm just trying to keep my opinion as seamless for you.


Do take care X

[star2sparkle]

Thank you Col, I did kind of get what you said but your response did look a little like I had to look at everyone else rather than myself (in some ways) though I knew what you mean.
I have a counsellor (Woman's Aid because husband a recovering alcoholic, clincially depressed, negative, can be aggressive) who insists I be selfish in all this and think of myself. However, when it comes to my daughter...nightmare! I am being really honest here...she couldn't live with me (despite loneliness) because she is an utter nightmare and despite the emetophobia would make me ill anyway! She is spoilt, demanding and selfish...rather than break our realtionship up (As Col rightly says) it is best she still resides with her father, having the option to stay with me.
My real cry for help is...how do I cope without any family and with very few friends...with anxiety and agoraphobia? I can't just stay just because it is the easier, secure option. I am not in love with my husband and I have to be brave. This was the real question I was asking. This is what I am terrified of.

[Col]

Ahh, I understand more now.:hugs:

It sounds like you really know its over & it's just the courage to move on that you need.
I think only you can make that final call. I've had agrophobia & seriously I know how debilitating this is but, you have to weigh it all up. What's the best & right option for you an your future? I think you already know what you need to do, it's just the confidence to make that step.

Good luck X

Ps - I've got kids & I know there comes a point - no matter how much you love them that, you sometimes have to think about yourself & your life.

[flossie]

Good advice above.
Focus on the bigger picture. Giving yourself the freedom to live your life without fear and recrimination has to be your goal and to do this you have to leave and live on your own.
Leaving this relationship isn't you being selfish as your partner tells you. You have come to the point where you both have different needs, you are unhappy and realise that it isn't going to work between you in the future.
Your OH doesn't want to accept any responsibility in his part of the breakdown and dumps it all on your shoulders. Do not let that demoralise you in any way. Let it give you strength and determination to walk away as it is just another attempt to control you.
You are much stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. You have already shown this by deciding the relationship is over and you need to make plans.
What part of the future are you worried about? Is it possible lonliness or more the practicalities of everyday living such as getting shopping , appointments etc?
If you can tell us more specifically then perhaps we can all help with suggestions to work round the things that are concerning you.
The end of a relationship is never easy and this will naturally increase your immediate anxieties but keep the belief in yourself that you are doing the right thing.

[star2sparkle]

Thank you for your replies. So helpful :-)
It really is more to do with the fear of being alone. The fact that I have few friends and no family...it really is that. And of course, anxiety and agoraphobia makes the fear all the worse.
I am hoping that my inner strength will get me through and out to groups and classes and things. It is hard to be really positive but I am working on it! :-) There just isn't that much support where I live either.

[flossie]

Is it a possiblity that the situation you have been living in is the cause of a lot of your anxiety and that once you are away from it you will feel calmer and stronger anyway?
There are sure to be hurdles along the way but you will be OK.

[Kim51]

I have spent last four years in an abusive marriage which I tolerated as I was scared to be on my own, but the down fall of that was extreme anxiety and panic that led to a complete break down and agoraphobia. My husband left me last Friday yes I was upset because despite the treatment I received I was still in love with the man he used to be. The weekend was terrible I was so low and desperate and could see no way forward, but yesterday the mist lifted as did the rose tinted glasses, yes it is early days but I feel less anxious and have had no panic and I can now see the bigger picture I can now see what he was doing to me and what he had turned me into.
It is scary thinking of moving on and I know my scenario is different to you as you will be the one walking, but I feel like a massive and I mean massive weight has been lifted and I can now see I will get over this and be a stronger person.
Good luck in what ever path you take. Kim xx