Fear of harming people I love?

[louzia]

Hi,
I'm new to this, sorry If it's posted in the wrong place? I'll start by introducing myself a little bit. I'm a 22 year old woman who is about to start a Law degree. Throughout my teens I bunked school as I got in with a bit of a bad crowd, hence why I'm starting uni now rather than when I was 18! I'm not totally sure when it all started, but somewhere over the past few years as I've started to sort my life out, I've become a bit weird (I think so anyway). I seem to have developed various OCD's (haven't been diagnosed), such as, I can only eat if I sit at the end of the table, from a small plate - however I often can't finish my food as I panic about the situation and can't swallow. Also, I count EVERYTHING! I use the counting to answer questions in my head, for example, odd numbers will always be a yes and even a no. I panic in shops, restaurants, bars, one to one conversations (with everyone but my boyfriend and parents) and I cannot sleep as night until I've ran the dust-buster around my room in case there are bugs somewhere. All this is bad enough, however, the other day and randomly found myself thinking about slitting my boyfriend's throat. I have been with him for almost 4 years, I love him with all my heart and I don't know why I would think that?! I also found myself thinking about harming my sister (in a sexual way). Again, I love her to pieces, both these things really upset me. I'm disgusted with myself, I've never had any thoughts of this nature before. I would never EVER act on either or these thoughts and I'm so upset that they even popped into my head, I avoid anything sharp and try to avoid my sister as much as possible as I'm so scared. I know I should probably see someone but I've tried before and I miss appointments because I can' face going, the idea of counselling make me panic and usually feel really sick. What can I do? I'm not a sick person, I hate myself for thinking any of these things.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, any help would be so appreciated and sorry for the length!
Lou xx

ps. Sorry if the quality of my writing is a bit all over the place, I really have struggled writing this. xx

[MrsStobe13]

Hi Lou,
Please relax..I'm a little older than you (24) and know how horrid these thoughts are. I've been married to my partner of 7 years for 2 months and have thoughts night and day about killing him. I've not yet been diagnosed as having harm OCD either, but the doctor said I have "obsessive traits".I want to get it formally diagnosed if only to reassure myself I'm not crazy.

I too avoid knives. My brain is picking on me tonight,so I put the knife my husband used into the sink, under the washing up bowl, turned off the kitchen light and shut the door. It's horrid, because when I hold a knife in a menacing way I find it laughable, it's just little old me..with a knife! I'm not dangerous,so why?! Why do we get these thoughts?!

My best advice would be to buy Imp Of The Mind from Amazon. It talks a lot about the kind of thoughts you and I experience and how to overcome them. The other thing you can do is to gradually expose yourself to your triggers, for example, once a week sit at the side of the table until food is served, and then sit at the end to eat. Once that gets comfortable, do that maybe two days. Then when you're doing that every everyday, sit at a side seat one day of the week to eat your meal. I read something about gradual exposure on the internet the other day and it seems to be a very realistic approach to overcoming our fears. My husband is trying to understand me so he can help me, but he's just got a new job so he has a lot going on.

Have seen your GP? Like me, you seem very anxious about your thoughts. I was put on propranolol which helps to prevent the fight or flight response and I've been referred for group therapy. I don't know if therapy will help yet as the course doesn't start for another 3 weeks, but I hope it will!

Please feel free to PM me if you like, it would be good to know someone my age who is facing the same battle!

MrsS x

[megan82584]

i have recently been having thoughts about stabbing myslelf and others also. I would NEVER act upon them but the fact i even think about im ashamed of myself and dont even like talking about it. So are you saying if your scared of knives and stabbing yourself to go and hold the knife and come over your fear because ive thought about doin that when i have these thoughts, to prove to myself that i wont actually do it. i havent been diagnosed either with ocd but im pretty sure i have the traits. i sweep my floor about 15 times a day. also vacuum. and i wipe the counters every time i go in the kitchen.