I'm just a lonely single mummy

[shotokansho]

Hey everyone.

Do any of you single mummies (or daddies) ever feel this way? Sometimes I just think that my life has been for everyone else, like all I ever do is for other people and nothing is ever for me. My eldest boy is 16 now and has left school, while he is waiting for college in September he just lazes about the house eating everything he see's and leaving me a load of mess to clean up after him. My youngest boy is 9 and he is very hyper, a good boy but very hard work. I have brought them both up alone, without any help from partners, in fact I have been virtually single the whole time, apart from the odd fling.
Now don't get me wrong both my sons are well balanced, kind, thoughtful and good decent kids but now I want something for me. I've really struggled being a single mum as well as dealing with my mental health issues, but I know I have done a good job so far.
I started a little job 7 months ago, with the help of a company that helps people with mental health problems get back into work. I was over the moon and at first enjoyed it, but now I am having second thoughts. At home all I do is cook, clean, wash ect, then I go to work and all I do is wash dishes. Work is supposed to be giving me something else to focus on, to get my mind going and to stimulate me, but all it does is make me depressed because I am just put in a corner in front of a large sink and wash big tins for 3 hours. Then I go home and clean the house, collect little legs from school, make tea ect ect. I'm getting bored and tired and very frustrated.
I'm not saying I want a relationship, but it would be nice to just be able to have that bit of company with someone I like, to snuggle with or have a few hours out with every now and again. I have a good circle of friends but they are mainly drinking buddies at weekends, and since I have stopped drinking I barely see them. Any other friends have families and partners of their own.
My passion was Karate. I used to train 3 nights a week, but since starting on a medication I have put on nearly 4 stone and so now I have lost loads of confidence, plus my gear doesn't fit me anymore so I stopped going. I miss it greatly but I can't bring myself to go.
I mean what do single mums and dads do? Where do they go and how do they get their fulfilment for themselves, I feel like I am in a bit of a rut. Are there single parent clubs or anything out there? I suppose there is somewhere. What do you guys do? Sorry for the moan, I just don't feel like I am worth much at the moment.:unsure:

Kez xx

[Speranza]

Hi Kez, firstly congratulations on what you are doing - it is TOUGH. My best friend is a woman in your position and I am stunned at what she gets through every day (on very little money too).

Secondly, don't be afraid to ask for what you need from the boys, if one is a stroppy teen and the other hyper, it is sensible not to expect miracles, but if they are basically good, kind thoughtful kids (which reflects brilliantly on their mum!) then you could have a chat with them and say that you are really feeling like you could do with a bit of support as you are feeling a bit stuck in your life right now, and you wondered if they can each suggest three things they could do to help you feel a bit better? Make some suggestions, like "Maybe one of you could do the dishes one night a week... Perhaps someone could put the bins out on Friday?" And make sure that whatever tiny thing they do, they get such positive feedback that they feel great about it, and will maybe even do more than they promised eventually. (My friend always says she feels very responsible for making her sons into people women will want to be with!)

Thirdly, I'm making an assumption here but I bet I'm right. You sound as though you are somebody who is very intelligent and whose studies were either interrputed or you just weren't a 'school' person. Your dissatisfaction is telling you that it is time to get your brain involved in something a bit more stimulating than doing dishes. The WEA (Workers Education Association) is a great place to start, with cheap or free classes somewhere nearby (Google them). I would look at things which spark an interest, but also things which you aren't sure about. Many places offer a 'taster' class. They will be enrolling now for September. Classes are in the day and evening.

I think it would be great to let yourself dream. So make a nice hot drink and take a notebook and doodle. Draw if you draw, write if you write, and let your imagination roam free. If there were no barriers such as money and education, what would you LOVE to be doing? Surgeon? Actor? Sportswoman?

Then look at what you've come up with and see how that might translate into baby steps. Maybe instead of thinking you are 4 stone too heavy for karate (I am sure overweight people do do martial arts!) sort out a plan for losing just a few pounds to begin with. If it is comfort eating, find other things which help. There is a thread somewhere here called, "Does anybody want to lose weight with me?" Find that and join in.

As you do these things you will meet new peple and feel less stuck.

But never forget - whatever the Daily Mail or the Government says, you are doing one of the hardest jobs in the world all alone and it sounds as though you are doing a fantastic job if you have added another two kind, caring people to the world. Well done! :hugs:

Gill xx

[Daisy Sue]

Hi Kez :)

First of all, massive admiration for you for keeping the family together & making such a good job of it, on your own. I've done it too, and I know how hard and lonely it can be.. yes even with gorgeous children around who you adore, you can still be lonely. There are only so many hours of your day which are taken up by the kids' needs.. and after that it's just you, and sometimes that's just not enough.. that's how I felt for years.

I guess one of the trains of thought which got me through those years was a sub-conscious decision that I was sacrificing that time to simply being a mum, and putting 'me' on hold until they were older. I really did get an element of pride, in that I was achieving everything I needed to.. the kids were loved, fed, clean, safe.. the house was organised and tidy.. all our bills got paid - just.

It isn't easy, and it's hard to keep your mood in check when you're going it alone with kids, but you're doing so well. Maybe now that you've had a little time back in the working world, you could have the confidence to look around for a better job, something more sociable & satisfying. Bit by bit, you'll find you're on the pathway to being able to think about you and what you want, as your kids grow up even more.

Also, you could phone the Karate instructor, and tell him/her how you're feeling.. I'm sure there'd be a way back in for you, and you'd get support while you're restarting.

Good luck, and be proud of yourself and and your kids :)

[shotokansho]

Awww what lovely replies, they brought a tear to my eyes. I have been through a lot these past couple of months and everything just seems so much harder than they were before. My teenager does do things for me, but unfortunatley sometimes it takes a lot of bargaining to make him do it, plus he is going through some stuff himself, at 16 he is still wetting the bed and is in a steady relationship, so this is hard on him. He has also had a course of CBT for some anxiety issues he had while doing his exams. My 9 year old is adorable and handsome and very funny, he is always happy to give me cuddles, he knows when I am sad and gives me cuddles. The boys never ask about the scars on my arms, they just love me and accept me for who I am, which is something I love about them. I have been in the psych unit many times and without my mum they would have been taken into care, so I do have support...lots of it. Sometimes I just feel like I'm moaning about nothing.
I went back to college when I was 32 to re-sit some GCSE's I failed at school. I took English Language, English Literature and History. I passed all three with flying colours with two C's and a B. I also completed entry 3 and level 1 in adult numeracy. Now I really get off on learning and studying so I thought I would try for 2 more GCSE's then I would have the 5 that is often required for careers and employers. I went to college to ask to do science and sociology and media studies but I was turned down...simply because of my age (I'm 36). The government has now pulled all funding for mature students and they now have to pay full course fee's, they do offer a loan to cover course fee's but I don't think I want to go down that route. Thank you for suggesting the WEA, I'm going to get on to that straight away.
I'm also going to go on the post about the losing weight, I can't stop my meds but if I can drop some of this weight I can get back into my karate. I'm a very high grade and enjoyed it so much, I was even teaching the children.

Thanks again for the replies, means so much to me.

Kez xx