View Full Version : Intrusive thoughts ruining my life :/
Hiya, I'm new to this, I just thought I'd make an account because I need help.
I've had intrusive thoughts for over a year now, mostly about me being aggressive and intentionally harming people, which really upset me, especially because I didn't know what was going on and I thought it was actually real. I became really depressed and it ruined my life. Anyway, after I found out that there was a name for it and I wasn't losing my mind, I felt great and it sort of went away.
But recently it seems to have come back, but this time it's over my relationship. I've been in a relationship for just over a year now, and it's been amazing, but recently my intrusive thoughts are that I don't love him anymore, that I don't feel anything when I'm with him and that we'll never have a future together and all this stuff. It's hurting me and making me upset because deep down I do love him, I know I do, but it seems to be getting lost and buried under all of this doubt and panic and now every time we're together I end up analyzing everything I'm feeling; it's ruining what time we spend together and I'm sick of it, it's causing me to question everything about myself, make myself panic and spend every waking hour questioning my feelings, the same way my other intrusive thoughts did. It's distracting me and making my life a misery. And to make matters worse, my aggressive intrusive thoughts seem to be starting again. I'm never happy anymore, I'm constantly over thinking things and feel down 24/7.
So I was wondering if anyone could help or has ever felt the same? Thanks, all replies are greatly appreciated!
Hi
The more importance you give a thought , the more you keep getting them..
These are false thoughts and you just need to see them for what they are.
I've had the harming thoughts , of harming loved ones etc... The thoughts effect us so much, because they are the opposite of who we are... I wouldn't harm a fly...
Anxiety,and OCD cause these thoughts.. Same with your relationship OCD..
Don't make my rash decisions concerning your relationship ...
Have you sought help, meds, therapy?
Hi
The more importance you give a thought , the more you keep getting them..
These are false thoughts and you just need to see them for what they are.
I've had the harming thoughts , of harming loved ones etc... The thoughts effect us so much, because they are the opposite of who we are... I wouldn't harm a fly...
Anxiety,and OCD cause these thoughts.. Same with your relationship OCD..
Don't make my rash decisions concerning your relationship ...
Have you sought help, meds, therapy?
Yeah, that makes sense. So could this actually be relationship OCD? I've never really considered help because I was too afraid that what I was feeling wasn't OCD, it was real, and therefore if I go to see a professional I'd be worried that they won't diagnose it, if that makes sense?
You say your relationship has been amazing and the thoughts of doubt are intrusive ..that says to me it's OCD and not your real thoughts on your relationship.
Shaznayhawkes
31-07-13, 11:06
Oh my goodness me. I have never had such an overwhelming feeling if relief as i have after just reading ur post. I too have these very same thoughts about my partner. We have been together for 9years and it causes so much distress to have a thought telling me that I don't love him when I know that I do. It doesn't make sense to have feelings like this that are not real but that's the thing, they're not real. OCD causes these feelings to lie to us. I hope it offers u as much relief as me to hear that someone else feels the same and it isn't just the end of an important relationship.
Oh my goodness me. I have never had such an overwhelming feeling if relief as i have after just reading ur post. I too have these very same thoughts about my partner. We have been together for 9years and it causes so much distress to have a thought telling me that I don't love him when I know that I do. It doesn't make sense to have feelings like this that are not real but that's the thing, they're not real. OCD causes these feelings to lie to us. I hope it offers u as much relief as me to hear that someone else feels the same and it isn't just the end of an important relationship.
Yes, exactly! I was so terrified that it was the end of my relationship because I just need him in my life so much, he's helped with a lot of my depression and he's the first and only one I turn to when I'm in a really bad place. It is such a relief, because I thought it was me; I thought when I post this I'd just be told that it wasn't intrusive thoughts, I just simply didn't love him anymore, so it's a huge relief to hear that other people are experiencing something similar and I'm not alone, thank you!
i have all sorts of thoughts that i dont want. they can relate to pretty much anything and spring up any time really. i do what i can to ignore them and allow them to pass. it isnt easy but that's what i try to do. i have some that are so crazy i know they are just random, like i'm cutting up food with a sharp knife & my partner is near me. so this thought goes through my head of stabbing her. well i'd never to do that because its just not what i'm like. i have told her i have these random thoughts. they dont bother her. we know together they are random & quite often are light hearted about it. that way at least they dont linger for too long & we can treat them as random. there are others i have relating to phobias. those are much harder to deal with. agin though i just work at not putting too much importance on them and also trying when ever i can to think about something different. to distract myself. realising they are random i feel is the most important step. you recognise you dont have to take them seriously even though they feel very real.
Thanks for the replies everyone!
Should I discuss this with my boyfriend? If so, how would I explain it making sure not to hurt or offend him?
Positive Girl
01-08-13, 11:27
Hello,
Well from my experience I've seen that the best way to get rid of intrusive thoughts is not to acknowledge them. I just ignore them. I try very hard not to try to justify or respond to them in anyway. If I persist they start to fade slowly. But when I try to rationalize with them, to respond to them, I never win.
About discussing it with your boyfriend, I think you should tell him so you get his support but don't get into so much details. Don't give the thoughts more attention than they deserve, which is nothing!!
Best of luck to you,
Positive Girl
Shaznayhawkes
04-08-13, 06:59
Telling your partner is a good thing and a big step forward in helping with these thoughts. My partner is brilliant and understands that these thoughts are not real. Ultimately, if I didn't love him I would feel it all the time, not at particular points in my life and also it wouldn't cause me the distress that it does. Actually telling him that I'm having these thoughts allows me to acknowledge that I'm having them, as simply pretending they're not there makes them worse, and carry on in spite of them. This quite often helps to start to calm the anxiety. It's scary, to tell a partner who u love more than anything that ur having thoughts that u don't, but remember, that's all they are- thoughts, not reality, however much it feels like it! X
worried 101
12-08-13, 02:08
Oh my gosh i have also been through horrible relationship anxiety and i cant tell you what a relief I just felt finding this thread!
Right now I am goin through a really bad patch with it. My partner has had some bad health news and has been quite distant compared to usual and just not himself and I've had a bad time with my depression and anxiety(havent been able to go to work)
Well tonight ive had the worst panic attacks ever and its due to these relationship anxieties and similar worries to what you guys have had.
I have been through these before and always come through them but its been a while since i have had them and forgot how horrible they are and how easy it is to believe these intrusive thoughts.
I have to say i really do love my partner, he has been extremely supportive of me but I just have these horrible intusive thoughts thta cause me panic attacks and I cant stand them. Really gets me down. :(
Shaznayhawkes
12-08-13, 10:21
Its so awful to get these, especially when you havnt had them in a while. The thing to try and remember is that they will eventually pass. Whenever I get these thoughts, as much as they feel truly real, I'm always trying to remind myself that I've had them before and and go. I know when they do go, I feel like a weight has been lifted and I've come out of a fog. Whilst I'm having them, I do tell me partner and/ or a close friend, just so that I'm not trying to combat them on my own as that often seems so much harder. And like you say, you do love your partner. My therapist once said that these thoughts wouldn't cause you so much distress if you didn't love him, so bear that in mind :)
I thoroughly recommend sharing with your partner; I often feared my partner was going off me or that if they were quiet "it must be down to me". When I overcame worries about asking & made the effort to ask, I discovered that it wasnt me. Sometimes it was nothing. There was nothing wrong. Nothing going on. My partner was just quiet & that was it. If something happened & perhaps they were short with me, it would upset me. So I got brave enough to talk about those feelings too. Since then, things have improved greatly as she now knows that I will get upset if there are raised voices in the house. I just cant help it. But from my angle too I need to be aware that sometimes there may be things I do that might not go down well but I can adjust my attitude & behaviour sometimes as well. We do compromise when necessary & share our awareness. Regarding health matters: Again talk about it. I have helped my partner through some health difficulties. She wasnt that good about opening up but I encouraged her to do that. Its helped alot. She is on the mend now. I know that my support helped her alot. In fact I felt closer to her much of the time because she really needed me. It was nice to feel needed.
Thank you so much for all the replies! It's so helpful and such a relief to have other people sharing the same experience, so thank you! :)
bluebottle
17-08-13, 10:27
A lot of people don't realise that intrusive thoughts are OCD. I found it comforting when I found out and can now almost let them pass over me.
worried 101
19-08-13, 22:24
hi guys.
still goign through this horrible relationship anxiety. i sorta want to explain when it came about its a bit of a long winded story so please bare with me.
i have been with my partner for over three years now, and have a great relationship, i have been through anxiety in the relationship before and got over it.
at the moment its really bad, it started when my boyfriend got some pretty bad news about his health (heart prolblem) and we were due to go camping and got stuck in some traffic and he got mad and shouted half at me but more at the situation...was like 'well this is a great holiday isnt it?!'
hes never ever shouted before and when we got there apologised but still distsnt the next day. Hardly bad behaviour considering his news eh?! jesus i would have been so much worse and i do not blame him in the slightest for being distant and not himself.
but straight away i felt this anxiety and this worry about what if it carried on like this.. him being distant....what if we didnt work... the usual that people on this thread feel.
I feel awful as its hardly like hes done anything wrong...ive been goign through other anxieties as well as this and depression and hes had his stuff and so weve been feeling pretty down and not that close and thats just adding to my anxiety.
we are going on holiday with his children on sat and although i think it will give us time to relax together i still feel scared about it. i litearlly broke down this eve as was so worried.
sorry to go on guys i just felt i needed to speak to people who i know will understand.
Hey worried. I am sorry u & your boyfriend r having to contend with his bad news. Altho i havnt bn in that situation, there have been occasions when my partner has shouted or got heated with a situation especially driving or being directed by me) so i know what it feels like
. Last time it happened to me we were away as well. In the end i brought the subject up as it left me feeling really bad. She had apologised to me straight away as it made me cry But i eeded to stop ithappeningagain as it isnt what i want from a relationship and i am sure its not what u want either!
I wold suggest finding a way, if u can of explaining how it makes u feel. I didnt want to have to do that but my partner hadnt realised how sensitive i was to changes in mood. For my part i have had to learn not to interpret every quietmoment she has as bekng down to me. Also i have learnedto realise that sometimes she is jjst quiet by nature.
You can also empathise with them about thneir health news & offer to discuss it if that would help. Maybe they are trying to protect you from their fears? But of course that could indeed make the. Quiet while they reflect.
The timing wasnt good right before yojr holiday but i hope it goes ok..
worried 101
20-08-13, 16:09
hey tessar.
Thanks for the advice. I have spoken to my partner before about it and he has apologized for it and tbh im not even sure hos shout was directed at me but more towards the situation we were in. it is very very unlike him to get so angry and he has not since got angry and i know he was only like it because of the news he had got.
I know i need to move on from it as this is where my anxiety of the relationship has stemed from this time but i just cant seem to shake it.
Makes me feel so horrible and sad and so just want this stupid anxiety to dissapear! Im terrified of these anxieties as it about something that's so important to me.
Feel like im goign to wreck the holiday becuase of this stupid anxiety.
Grrr i hate it so much!
I told my partner last night. Although he was originally upset, he did say he'd stick by me and always be there to help me. But today I saw him for about five minutes as we ran into each other, but he seemed really uncomfortable with me, I'm worried I've just made the relationship worse by dragging him into the fears and worries I have about us. It did make me feel better, however I'm beginning to wonder whether it was the right decision.
Hey aaaamy..... Something it's really useful to remember is.... When people go about their daily business, they may be deeply focused on something t that moment we chance across them. So for instance, at the point you bumped into your boyfriend, he might have been distant for any number of reasons. Sometimes perhaps it might just be that the person is tired or stressed but these things aren't caused by something you did or by your presence.
It is really to assume that .we are responsible for other people's moods. That we must have said or done something that's made them distant, moody, sad etc. but in reality it wasn't us,the situation has either caused by something or someone e,we or indeed there is no "situation" in the first place.
I used to worry alot that my partner seemed distant. This would happen particularly in the evenings. I'd sit there thinking what have I done, or is it something I haven't done,
. A few times I asked them if there was anything wrong. There never was, she wasn't aware she was being distant or quiet. Sometimes though I'd ask again & again which if course was a nuisance (& unnecessary too). I agreed to rain it in. Now I might ask once occasionally, but once I have my answer, that's it. I take on board what she says.
Also, do remember that not every situation, every person who is in a bad mood, or sad or distant.. ..not every situation like that is your responsibility to put right. And indeed those situations in any relationship do not spell the end, they do not spell the worst. Think of your moods, up , down etc. I bet you wouldn't expect your partner to notice every mood & help you with it. Sometimes you might be feeling reflective which could make you quiet. But that doesn't mean you need to be brought out of the quiet phase as you may be content there.
Don't forget as well that even you need time to adjust now that you have spoken with your boyfriend, it was the right thing to do you know. Communication is important for relationships, they are after all a partnership. Like they say it takes two to tango. You never know, it might make your boyfriend more aware that he too can share stuff with you.
At the moment, having just taken this big step, you will be bound to notice everything in greater detail. Your feelings/fears will of course move heightened. Maybe it's time to take a step back, reflect more positively about the good things in your relationship. Make a point of noticing them. You can share those things with your partner too so he gets a positive vibe as well. Encourage him to let you know what works for him as well. All in good time though, you can't deal with all of it in one hit but at least you are journeying together and that's what's going to help you in the longer term.
worried 101
23-08-13, 23:38
hey amy.
dont beat yourself up over the fact that you told him.there is no shame in what you are going through, its a horrible and terrifying experince and i can totally understand why you would need him to know.
its probs just a bit of a shock to him as he may not have been aware of what has been going on for you, but he will understand that its not your true feeling but actually what this horrible anxiety does to people.
give him time and he will be ok.
xxx
Oh my god, I actually had no idea this was a form of OCD or that other people experienced it! I picture scenarios in my head where I lose my temper and get violent, where I throw things around, break or destroy something, or physically harm someone. They make me feel so ashamed and embarrassed, and worried that one day they will actually happen.
I could have cried reading this thread, I honestly thought I was just insane. I'm sorry I can't offer much in the way of advice, just another experience.
bluebottle
01-09-13, 17:47
Very recently this story was in The Guardian. http://www.theguardian.com/society/2013/aug/31/pure-ocd-the-naked-truth I have found that the best way to beat these thoughts is to just think them as they appear. They will go in the end. Trying not to think them make them worse. Be gentle with yourself, it is just the mind and you are absolutely normal. OCD is very common. Everyone has thoughts such as these but most ignore them. It is the sensitive people who find them so shocking.
worried 101
03-09-13, 15:53
hey.
i just thought id see how people were doing now?have the anxities gone down at all?x
Hey worried 101, yeah I suppose it has, but now what's bothering me is that I no longer seem to care when these thoughts come into my head, like I don't really get distressed when it pops up, which is kind of bothering me in a way because maybe this isn't OCD and I'm just crazy? :\
NorthernGeek
13-12-13, 08:57
For me the intrusive thoughts are often aggressively self critical as well as full of distressing images about how easily I could inflict harm on myself. It's as if some part of me is constantly trying to punish me for making such a mess of my life.
On good days I try to dismiss them by distracting myself, on bad days though they are harder to avoid & can be very upsetting.
Now that I am finally getting medical help for my long term problems with 'depression, anxiety, obsessive worrying etc', I am hoping that I might also be able to tackle the intrusive thoughts at the same time.
worried 101
19-12-13, 08:28
I get where you're coming from amy, I sorta feel like they are just part of me now and I am so tired of fighting these thoughts off. I think we are probably more just tired out and so used to having bad thoughts its not much of a suprise when they do pop in to our heads.
God I just wish I felt better, when I'm not anxious everything is fine and then as soon as the anxiety comes again it overwhelming.
My partner and I have got engaged and this has caused huge anxiety issues for me which I am trying to deal with, my partner is amazing and I do love him and I try to hold on to that as don't want this OCD to destroy my life.
Hows everyone else doing out there?
Shaznayhawkes
22-12-13, 07:52
Hey worried 101, yeah I suppose it has, but now what's bothering me is that I no longer seem to care when these thoughts come into my head, like I don't really get distressed when it pops up, which is kind of bothering me in a way because maybe this isn't OCD and I'm just crazy? :\
This is how I feel too. Like worried 101 said, I think you get so exhausted from fighting these thoughts that you can't fight them any more. For me that made it seem like im not bothered by these thoughts, and my fear that this could all be real and I don't actually love my partner could be a reality. However, if I really didn't love him and I didn't have the energy to fight it, that would mean id reached the end with my partner, and i definitely haven't!
I always seem to find christmas difficult, for a variety of reasons and it causes my OCD to rear it's ugly head. I'm trying very hard to remain in control, but the fear of loosing it over christmas (again!!) makes that very hard.
I'll be thinking of everyone who may be working just as hard over christmas and I genuinely hope that you have a lovely christmas x
worried 101
22-12-13, 18:02
It seems like alot of us struggle over christmas,i find it really hard,think its sort of the expectations to be all smiley and happy even if we dont feel like it.plus its just generally a stressful time. i got stressed today as my partners chidren have been a pain and then my mind makes me think all those horrible thoughts. its such a struggle and just so tired from it :( like you say shaznay i hope eveyone really does have a wonderful christmas and hope 2013 brings less anxietyfor all!xxx
Shaznayhawkes
26-12-13, 16:06
I think your right, the expectation that comes with christmas that everyone is happy and having a fantastic time makes the anxiety worse. When I badly want christmas to be perfect, my mind takes me to the opposite end and starts on all the things that would ruin it, which ultimately brings me round to the ROCD again. It's exhausting. And it's not just the thoughts, it's the physical feelings they bring with them. It makes the thoughts seem all the more real and means I have to work even harder to stay in control.
I hope the children weren't too bad in the end xx
Hi there! This is my first time posting on this website, but I am glad I have found your post.
I am having a similar thought about not loving someone, I hope you don't mind me explaining it to you as I'm having a very stressful time with it all.
Basically, I am 20 years old and had been with my partner for 5 years, however, he unexpectedly broke up with me 2 months ago. I was heart broken, broken within my self and felt as if life would never be the same again. And then after 1 month apart, we started hanging out again for about 4 days, and it was lovely. However, 1 evening, I looked at him and felt absolutely nothing. All my feelings had dissapeared for him, it was like a light bulb had gone off, but this happened within seconds, not over a few days. One minute the feelings that were there for 5 years were there, then the next they had gone.
3 weeks have past since that night, and my feelings keep flitting between on and off now. Instead of completely off.
It was a terribly unpleasant experience, because all I wanted for 2 months was to get back together, to be 'us' again. I spoke to around 14 people about it, to get their opinions, and they all said I felt nothing for him because I had been incredibly hurt by him, someone I never thought would leave me, did. And now I had this 'barrier' up and my mind is protecting it self from getting hurt again. I also rang a relationship helpline (a professional counsellor) and she said the emotional void'ness could be depression, which I have recently been diagnosed with.
However, now I feel that it has got a whole lot worse. I have been having intrusive thoughts about not loving him, even though deep down I know I do love him. And if I don't love him, then I will not be happy with not loving him, so it's not like it's something that I want to feel.
But as soon as I wake up, the thought of not loving him is there, and it's very distressing for me. I don't want to feel like this.
I don't want to move on from him, nor do I want to be single. I want us to be 'us' again. But right now I just don't know how I feel, because my mind keeps telling me different, and that makes me worry that it's true.
I have told him everything. He knows everything about my intrusive thoughts and what has been happening in my mind. He has been incredibly supportive, as always. But I just wish I could go back to feeling like I love him again, because that's how I truly want to feel.
I should tell you that I have depression, as OCD, and have also suffered from intrusive thoughts around 2 years ago.
I'm sorry for the long message!
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