Feel like there's no way out :-(

[Catherine84]

Hello everyone,

I am so sorry to post another lengthy essay, but I am having a bit of a rough week, and would greatly appreciate some advice.

Basically, I have been off work since late February - the closest I have had to a diagnosis is GAD. By far the worst symptom has been a hyper sensitivity to my breathing, which on a bad day, is a living hell and causes me to lose interest in just about everything.

To cut a long story short, I have had many more phone calls and a meeting with my employer since I last posted, and whilst they have generally been very patient with me, I have felt under quite a bit of pressure, and I am due to return to work next Monday. However, I feel far from ready. I am still 'self-medicating' with alcohol, and whilst this is generally confined to evenings only and I have desperately tried to cut back, it is still a sign that my anxiety is not under control, and I know that I am damaging my health. After my horrendous experience trying different antidepressants, I cannot take any more, and horrific though it is to say, a couple of glasses of wine in the evening makes me feel a lot less rough in the morning than all the pills I have tried. Also, I feel, like the alcohol, it is just another 'sticking plaster' and, unless I am on something that works for the rest of my life, eventually I will be back to square one. I really just want to find a way to cope by myself, and I am currently attending CBT sessions. While they have helped lift my depression to some extent, when I am particularly anxious, I just forget everything I was taught.

At the same time, in the safety net of being at home (I have been at my parents' house most of the last 5 months to avoid being on my own during the day), I did feel I was improving quite a bit, and on good days, I am able to get out. When I am enjoying myself though, I feel like a fraud and a skiver. I went to Homebase with my mum about a week ago to buy some new stuff for my home, and while I was there, a work colleague spotted me. He didn't acknowledge me - he just shot me a look and carried on with his business. This has been adding to my stress for the last week. I have felt dreadful this week - I went back to my own place and spent four days solid cleaning (most of the house was covered in a thick layer of dust and the garden is still very overgrown). The pressure of my imminent return is getting to me, and it didn't help that, because of my breathing OCD, it was taking me about four times as long to do something as most people. I know I am stupid, but I wanted to have everything in order before I went back otherwise I would become really overwhelmed. I have since suffered physical exhaustion the last two days, and have been bedridden and throwing up with migraines.

My main concern is whether I am going to be sacked if I feel I can't go back 'on time'. I worry, if this happens, how I will cope financially, and if anyone will ever want to employ me again after a dreadful sick record and a diagnosis of mental illness. This is making my anxiety on the verge of unbearable. It was also stressed that, once back, I will be expected to have good attendance, and was asked how I will act on it if I am having a rough patch. Since I won't be covered by a sick note any more, having odd days here and there really won't be an option, as it will look really bad. I am being offered a phased return - 3 days a week for the first two weeks, four days a week the third week and then back to 5 days full-time. I have brought up, in the past, the option of working 4 days a week (two out of the four people in our team already do this, and only one has children of 'dependent' age), but it was said that I would just be given 5 days' work in four days, and it would not be a good idea. At the moment, I feel even four days is a lot, but at least it would take some of the pressure off. My doctor has agreed to write a letter to my workplace, but I am scared to bring this up again, as I don't want to appear awkward. In my doctor's words, she doesn't want me 'back to square one'. I don't have a union I can go to for advice, which makes things harder.

If anyone has been in a similar position, or is able to offer some advice on the above, it would be really appreciated.

Catherine x

[Speranza]

Have you met with Occupational Health yet?

[Catherine84]

Hi Speranza,

I have regularly been in touch with OH and had a couple of meetings, including a visit from the company doctor, but they all seem under pressure to provide a return date and get me back as soon as possible.

I am almost on the verge of trying yet another pill, because I don't see another way out and I'm struggling to beat this on my own :-(. If the side effects are bad though, I cannot afford to be off sick again, which is why I am quite reluctant.

---------- Post added at 12:42 ---------- Previous post was at 12:14 ----------

Well I've just been on the phone to the GP, and she isn't willing to extend my note. I really just wish I could hand in my notice and resign - then I wouldn't have all this to deal with on top of my existing anxiety! It doesn't help that my father is completely unsupportive - just tells me I need to get back to normal and 'get on with it', and my partner just implies that I don't understand how the adult world works. I sometimes think ending it all would be so much easier.

[Speranza]

I'm sorry you are feeling so desperate Catherine. :hugs:

Is the GP perhaps reacting to you not wanting to try the meds they have suggested? I guess they are only human too!

Can you tell me about how you got to this point - was it stuff at work which tipped you over, or other things in your life?

[Catherine84]

Hi Speranza,

I've always been quite a worrier, but it's always been over 'rational' things in the past, as opposed to this irrational breathing obsession. Last year was pretty rough - I was in a car accident (head-on collision, though thankfully no-one was seriously hurt), which has left me very nervous both as a passenger and driver. I have driven two short journeys in the whole time I have been off. My partner and I had a bad patch - he dropped out of his teaching course at the start of last year as the stress was too much for him, and was subsequently unemployed for almost a year, living off his savings. Things hit rock bottom when he only had enough money to pay another month's rent, and he said he would have to move out and back in with his parents, who are nearly 400 miles away on the Scottish border. His mum had been using a large chunk of her wages to help him with the rent by this point, and it was unsustainable. I had been plodding on, going into work on the verge of tears (and sometimes going off for a cry), knowing that I had to keep my head down and get on with things, as the main breadwinner. It didn't help that I find my job pretty soul-destroying sometimes, and was constantly being told that I needed better interpersonal skills (I was bullied throughout my childhood because of my appearance, and as a result, I'm painfully shy). By this point, my partner could tell I was on the verge of a breakdown and begged me to get help, but I stupidly carried on. Luckily, at the very last minute, he found a job and was able to stay, but there was a lot of animosity in our relationship during the rough patch, which had caused us to drift apart a bit. I had also had to deal on and off with my mum's alcoholism during adulthood, which meant I was constantly worrying when I had to move out of the family home. By late February, my anxiety was manifesting itself in this debilitating breathing obsession, so I went to the GP and he signed me off work.

I have had the breathing obsession for about the last five years on and off, but it has never been this bad.

It hasn't helped that, during my time off, my great aunt died, which added to my stress. I still miss her now, as she was like a grandparent to me.

[leahy1987]

Hi Carherine my name is Ross Im 26 i read your post and can relate in alot of ways. I have suffered anxiety attacks for 9 years now and i to have tried a ton of different medicatons ranging from venlafaxine to propanalol to fleuxatine etc and have nothing but terrible side effects to them so am now on nothing.

I to am having trouble with work they are being very supportive but that support can only go so far as they have a business to run now i have had every medical test under the sun and doctors cant find anything physically wrong with me but never the less i have this terrible phobia that i am about to drop dead of a heart attack.

I am using CBT at the moment as well and it has helped abit but like you when i am a nervous wreck everything i have learnt goes out the window and i cannot remember a thing ive head being physical and keeping fit is a good way to lower depression and anxiety but i dont do it because i think when i do and my heart rate rises i will have a heart attack so i to am running out of options.

I'am always hear to talk weather it be your story or mine i dont mind happy to do either.
Ross :)

[Col]

Ahhhh Cathrine bless you, i can tell your at rock bottom i can feel your distress just via reading.

I think your GP is way out of order - surely she/he knows how distressed you are and your in a very vulnerable and unstable state at the moment.

I would ignore feeling bad about, negative comments from family friends! I'd refuse to feel like a fraud - because by you saying you felt that way on seeing a colleague in home base, indicates to me that, your extremely conscientious and you know exactly what the working world expects and what you should be doing, idealistically. However realistically you are seriously unwell by the sounds of it! I know its difficult to shrug off the negativity you'll encounter but, you need to remind yourself - your genuinely unwell & you need to focus on yourself entirely!!

As for your work - you either will have to do the phased return or get the backing of your doc to sign you off BUT having said that..... the way you sound, I think, your a long way off from going back to work at all? You really need to get back in touch with your GP & explain your desperation. Also some mental health advice lines and employment advice, might be a good port of call for you.

take care

[Barnabas75]

I can realte to the breathing obsession Catherine,its a hard one..I am suffering from it badly.I hope things will get better for you.

[Catherine84]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice.

I am still in excruciating agony from this migraine and threw up again twice yesterday (I am typing a quick message from my phone before I try and lie down again). I'm sure all the stress is hindering my recovery. I couldn't even get up and have a proper wash yesterday. I would be in enough of a state without this unbearable pain!

Unfortunately, begging my GP for another note isn't an option, as she is only in Mon-Weds, and she is on holiday all next week. What's worse is that my boss is also on holiday next week, so she is having to prepare things in advance for my return, and wants to know in good time if anything changes. I know if I go to another GP behind my current one's back, it will rub her up the wrong way. It doesn't help that I am far from assertive and really struggle to stand up for myself.

I really have no other option than to force myself back before I am ready, but I know if I have to sit at a desk and concentrate for 6 hours, I will just concentrate on my breathing, get nothing done, and end up in as much of a state as I was when I was first signed off! I am absolutely dreading having to show my face in the office after so long off - I am sure I will have been talked about, and I am sure there's a lot of people who think I have been swinging the lead. It doesn't help that I am going to have to report to someone different next week, and he is always very busy, and often appears harassed and in a bad mood.

I was crying my eyes out the other night, knowing that if I lose my job, my chances of finding another one are slim, and the bigger the gap gets on my CV, the harder it becomes. I would just love to walk out, take a break to concentrate on getting better, and then look for something I feel I would enjoy more/be more suited to. Today's society doesn't make room for people to be ill long term - employers aren't supposed to discriminate, but there are always loopholes. At the same time, I would give up almost anything to feel better. But it still plays on my mind that I may never be able to afford a place of my own and settle down if I lose all my money, which I have desperately been trying to save for many years.

[Col]

Hi Cathrine,

yep i suppose sometimes there aren't many options, but i still stick to what i said about going back to your GP and you can always change to another GP or even move to a different surgery! God complex - comes to mind, regarding your current GP. I have no time for GP'S like this, they are there to help and be profeesional and there is no way, after what youve written on this thread that any decent GP knowing all this, would leave you to suffer???? baffling.

Good luck with returning to work, takecare

[Catherine84]

Thank you, Col :).

There are some other understanding GPs at that surgery, so I could definitely go with another. You are right - given how she has ignored me (her words were along the lines of 'the longer you put going back off, the worse it will get'), I really shouldn't feel bad about seeking help elsewhere.

I'm sorry for the negative nature of my post earlier - how I was feeling physically wasn't helping, but my head feels quite a bit better now, so I think I may go out in the sunshine for a walk to calm myself down further.

Provided I don't go downhill again, I think I am going to take a deep breath (no pun intended!) and give the phased return a go. If the worst case scenario does come true and I can't cope, at least I have given it a go, and that must count for more than continually avoiding the situation, even though they have stressed they need good attendance. Of course, the business cannot run itself, and I might surprise myself and be ok! I didn't want to go into too much detail earlier, but there are a few other things that are stressing me out - largely a girl who worked there a while ago and left has come back to cover my project work part-time, and I always got the impression she didn't like me, and once heard her talking behind my back. I have also heard her do this with others (including temps), and it made me feel uncomfortable, as the lab is generally a very friendly crowd. I suppose every workplace has its share of people like that, though.

Thank you again for your kind words x

[Col]

lots of :hugs: for you. Your approach to returning is an inspiration, knowing how unwell you are but the fact you know you've tried if things don't work out!

GOSH you work in a lab ....... the last job I did, before teacher training was in a lab?? What type of work do you do???

[BobbyDog]

Sorry you are still struggling on Catherine, you are a fighter, even though you may not feel like one most of the time. I have thought of you many times and was going to get in touch, but didn't want to interfere. You know where I am if you feel the need to off-load any time.
I hope the return to work goes ok for you.
sarah.x

[daisydaisy]

Hi Catherine,

I was like you after a break terrified of going back and I didn't think a phase would be possible but I took it and I am much better for it. I hope they can offer you a phase and that way you see how you go. I really worked myself up so much worrying what everyone would have said behind my back but I promise after a few days or so it does die down and before you know it's its Friday and the working week is done. All you can do is try and when you feel up to it maybe then you can start applying for something else- I work in recruitment and you're welcome to PM me any time.

I really hope everything goes ok. Don't work yourself up more worrying what everyone else thinks- it is genuine, it's an illness and just because you can't necessarily see it at times doesn't make it less real. My mum said to me when I was going through a terrible patch a few months back- everyone has their time or times and this is your time. I guarantee once you are back in the swing of things you will start to move forward and before you know it, it'll be like you've never been away. If you do then decide you want to move on there will be options- try not to think about the what ifs, as in what if I can't go back- if you do need to be signed off again then so be it its just one of those things and I promise you'll deal with it again when time comes.

Wishing you lots of luck and keep posting if you need support.

X Daisy

[Catherine84]

Thank you Col, Sarah and Daisy :-).

Col, I work in R&D for a company that manufactures disinfectants for animal and human health.

To be honest, I am a bag of nerves today. My headache has come back with a vengeance, and I have spent the last two hours sitting in the bath, unable to just get on with things.

It sounds silly, but I am not just scared of going back to work - it is also the fact that I have a fear of being in the house on my own all day, especially if my breathing anxiety is bad. I tried last Friday and Monday in my own home, distracting myself with housework, but by midday on Friday, I was phoning my mum in floods of tears. I couldn't even concentrate enough to cook myself a packet of Super Noodles for my lunch (I really wasn't hungry), never mind a proper meal. I find I need someone around to distract me from the breathing thing and keep me sane. My boss said she was willing to be flexible with my hours, so I broached the subject of maybe doing Monday, Tuesday and Friday next week, so that I could go home for a couple of days, and not have to cope with work and being alone on my days off all at once (I didn't go into the details of this with her though, as I was too embarrassed). But she seems to have changed her mind, and I got a message back saying 'let's stick with Mon, Weds and Fri this week. Ok?'.

It's like people are trying to make things as difficult for me as possible. I cannot keep to-ing and fro-ing on odd days, as it is an hour's drive, and due to my phobia on that front (I can only do short journeys at the moment, but I am gradually trying to increase them as part of my cbt), someone would have to come and get me.

I failed miserably and drank too much again last night, after nearly two days clear of it. I just want the ground to open up and swallow me. It's all too fine for someone who is just disappearing off on holiday and hasn't been in this position to think everything will go smoothly and that I am 'better' and 'back to normal' now!

[Catherine84]

I desperately need someone to reassure me. I didn't have a good last couple of days (my breathing anxiety bothered me badly at work), and I was a mess yesterday evening after being alone all day. I am now a bag of nerves - I just can't switch off from it and have to be at work again in two hours. I feel like all this is setting me back!

I can't afford to lose my job, and after the comment about being expected to have good attendance, I feel like this is my last chance. If I have no money, my life will be turned upside down even more. If I try more medication and it makes me as bad as the last lot, I will end up off long term again (and I had a complete breakdown on the Cit). I wouldn't cope at all without my couple of glasses of wine in the evening, though on Monday after work, it was a bottle. I am so ashamed of myself - I feel like I don't deserve to be given the gift of life if I use it like this. I am absolutely no use to society like this.

I'm sorry, I just needed to get off my chest how I am feeling :-(. X

[Tufty]

Oh Catherine,

It will get better, these feelings can't last forever, even if you do nothing it will improve on its own. I know it feels like you haven't got time, that you need to get better now to keep your job but slowly, things will improve for you. Alcohol isn't the best treatment for anxiety but I know how it feels to have tried medication that made you feel worse, it gives you more fear of medication and takes away that little bit of hope you had that medication will make things better. It sounds like you understand that alcohol isn't the answer but in the short term it is getting you through this rough patch, it's no worse than using Diazepam and many people use alcohol as a way of unwinding - so try not to beat yourself up about it.

At times I have felt so low that I can't go on but we all have brighter times ahead of us, please don't think you don't deserve to have the gift of life - you deserve to enjoy life and life is too short to have it screwed up by anxiety. You are suffering with anxiety at the moment but it is not you, it does not define who you are, it is an illness that afflicts the vulrunble and it is an illness that will pass like most others.

Try to carry on working if possible as routine and feeling useful are good therapy for anxiety and depression. I have been off for 4 months + this time and no where close to returning, I'm on half pay and am already worrying that I will go onto no pay in 4 months time and not be able to financially support my family. But work is work, our health is much more important and if work becomes too much of a hurdle for you, please don't be ashamed, it will be a setback but one that you will overcome.

Please don't think you are no good to society, the fact that you have anxiety indicates that you are a caring, sensitive, conscientious and strong person :hugs: - they are great qualities that will help you in your relationships and career. Sorry, I haven't read all your posts but are you getting some talking therapy help? Have you read any books about anxiety and depression?

You got through Monday, just try to float through today.

Sam x

[BobbyDog]

Catherine, please stop beating yourself up, the thing that makes us human beings so special is that we are all different and make mistakes, that is human nature. We do what we have to do to survive in sometimes very difficult circumstances, as yours is at the moment. As you know I have the hyperventilating problem as well and it is a tough one to conquer. I am here for you if you need to chat, wishing you all the best.x

[Catherine84]

Thank you Tufty and Sarah for your kindness during a difficult time.

I am sorry for my negativity - I have always suffered from low self esteem, and at times, I feel like my struggle at the moment is just reinforcing it. You are right though, anxiety shouldn't define me as a person.

Unfortunately, my breathing anxiety is still far from under control, and does seem to have got progressively worse as the week has gone on. I am pretty much on my own in the office today, which isn't helping, and when you are monitoring every breath, the time just seems to drag on forever. I feel if I was possibly more actively involved doing something, rather than just sitting at my desk and dwelling, that it may help. When I was off sick, doing something like the hoovering or other household chores helped me forget for a little while, and helped me feel some accomplishment. Being at work should help me feel a bit less useless, but I wish I could overcome this so that I could focus for five minutes. My supervisor and close colleagues know that I have been suffering from anxiety and that I had a difficult year last year, but they don't know the exact nature of why I am finding it so hard to function (I would feel really silly telling them about the breathing thing!). The truth is, if I didn't have the panic attacks focused around the awareness of my breathing, I would probably be at least able to manage at work - I kept going last year, even the Monday after the car accident, and, while it was tough at times, work usually served as a distraction.

The alcohol consumption does worry me, as I feel selfish damaging my health when I have a partner who cares for me. I would hate to leave him behind. But, if it wasn't for keeping going for the sake of others, I wouldn't care about it, as at my worst, I have had days where I really have had enough. I did take diazepam on and off instead for a few weeks (probably far better for my liver!), but the GP refused to prescribe me any more.

I really appreciate your kind words and advice - it means a lot to me, and helps me remember that I am not alone.

xx

[Sparkle1984]

Hi, if SSRIs such as citalopram or sertraline don't work for you, maybe an SRNI like venlafaxine would suit you better. Or perhaps something like mirtazapine? Failing all those, there's the old style meds like amitryptaline. I don't believe anyone is totally beyond help.**I'd say go back to your doctor and see what they suggest. Good luck with it.

[lizzie29]

MASSIVE well done for being back at work, that's great! It will get easier. Do you have a radio in your office? That may distract you. Or could you suck a sweet, that may distract you from your breathing too.

[Barnabas75]

I can really relate to your struggle with the breathing situation Catherine.Its horrible I know because I have struggled with it for some months now.Constanstly aware of every breath and actually doing the breathing myself.Just cant switch of except while I work but its still at the back of my mind even then.The worst time is when I sit down or go to bed.I seem to stop breathing.It sounds really weird.Its slowly getting better though with periods of relief so there is light at the end of the tunnel I think.I am hoping as time passes the periods I forget about it will be longer and longer.Hope that you will feel much much better soon from a fellow breathing anxiety sufferrer.Greg

[Catherine84]

Just about to go back for my last day of my 3 day a week phase in. I have not been coping at all well. My breathing anxiety is bothering me so much that my sleep is very poor, I am physically exhausted as I'm having to walk a 4 mile round trip to work every day as I am still too scared to drive. Even if I wasn't, I am drinking so much in the evenings that I would be stupid to risk it the following morning. Yet I cannot stop. It is getting worse and worse and spiralling out of control. Without it, I would get no sleep at all, and it at least affords me a few hours. I really don't know what to do - if I try more medication and it doesn't agree with me, I cannot be off sick again (after the comment about good attendance), so I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I am seeing the OH nurse today, and just don't know what to say. I am terrified if I say I am not coping, she may not believe me, try to fob me off, or work will retire me on medical grounds. They are increasing the length of my days next week and my hours back to almost full time, and I am struggling enough with what I am working.

It doesn't help that my partner is rapidly losing my patience with me, and we frequently fall out. I have that in the back of my mind as well. I would be so happy to escape from this living hell.

Lizzie - we don't have a radio, but I could possibly take an iPod or something :-).

Gregory - it's good to know I am not the only one going through this (though obviously in an ideal world, none of us should have to!). If you need to vent at any time, feel free to message me.