Help! Follow-on to normal intrusive thought?

[MrsStobe13]

Hi folks,
I was walking back through the park today with my husband and I saw a large area of shrubbery. My brain immediately thought that it would be a good place to hide a body and I could see myself dragging my husband's dead, stabbed body into the bushes. I've felt really tense and anxious this evening and just want to go put all the knives up now. I really feel like I'm reaching the end of my tether, going crazy etc. Has anyone else had a follow-on thought like this before? I'm really starting to feel as though I don't have OCD and I really am planning to murder my husband, it's not if, it's when :-(

I thought I was doing so well lately with beginning therapy, too.

MrsS x

[Stormsky]

Your not going to murder anyone...
If you were the type, you would be enjoying these thoughts, and carrying them through..
Your letting these thoughts scare you more and more, which is why it's getting worse..
I got rid of them by saying...'I would rather kill myself than harm anyone, and since I don't want o die either, then no point in keep sending me these thoughts, I'm not interested in them'..
As I really meant the fact I would kill myself before anyone else, I stopped being scared I'd harm anymore and, the thoughts went..

[MrsStobe13]

I'm trying to win, I'm getting good days and bad days. The other day I chopped an onion, 3 onions, and about twice as many potatoes with a nice, sharp vegetable knife. Didn't even think about it! Yesterday I got a lot done, today though I just can't seem to shift them. You're right I don't enjoy them, but I feel really strong impulses/urges, particularly when my husband is asleep or just sat near me. It's always the "what if I snap?" factor that gets me anxious.

MrsS x

[Bonnibelle]

I have the same fear. I'm not a violent person but for some reason this fear of me snapping and becoming violent scares me. It gives me intense anxiety which is awful when alone with the children:( My husband has been off for a week, we've had a lovely week. I'm now anxious being alone now he's gone back.

I'm reading a new book, I got it cheap on Amazon second hand. Tormenting Thoughts and Secret Rituals. It's an interesting read xxx

[MrsStobe13]

Pearl35 thankyou so much for your response. I'm hating being alone, I feel like hubby is the only one who understands me. Sometimes I just want to curl up to him and cry (I can even feel the tears welling as I speak about him) but I guess this is reassurance seeking, sometimes I feel better after a good cry, only to have the thoughts of hurting him come back again.

I'm beginning to hate my husband working, I just feel as though I cannot cope alone. Everything I do my thoughts question me. I've put all the knives up out of the way in case I snap now, even then If feel as though I have this anger surging through me and I feel like getting the knives back down and going on some sort of murderous rampage. Sometimes I feel as though I want to hurt him then I realise my thoughts and curl up on the floor and cry. Not just a little bit, full-blown, wailing episodes.

I can't wait to start CBT Group therapy, I'm not sure if it's going to be of much help for me but I need something before I do something I'll regret. I don't trust myself anymore, I'm a shadow of the person I used to be. I'd never have thought of killing anyone before this. I even question why I act emotionlessly on some urges and yet get so anxious over the others. I can wash up or tuck a dining chair in without so much as a second thought, so why can't I use a knife without questioning myself?

Last night I really thought I was going to do it, I really thought I was going to kill my husband. I can see it so vividly in my mind it feels like I'm about to snap. Why does nobody take me seriously when I say I'm a danger to my husband? Not he, not my doctor, nobody. Sometimes I feel as though when I do snap I'll be like "I told you so" then everyone will realise I really am a danger..it's horrid :-( I guess I've read too much about killers and stuff, I just feel as though I'm losing the battle. I want to go and bin all of our kitchen knives now, I just can't cope with having anything sharp around.

I was trying to watch TV last night but it horrifies me that murder and death are all around us, at least 11 of the titles of programmes had some reference to death so I thought I'd watch The Hotel Inspector. During every break there was an advert for a programme in which a man goes into a coma so that put the horrid thought into my brain of my husband in A&E with medical staff trying to revive him after I stabbed him. Stepping out into the garden on Saturday I heard my neighbour listening to the news in which there were a few mentions of deaths and murders. It feels like it's everywhere! Life is provoking me to act on these horrible thoughts and urges. Sometimes I just want to run away, run away from TV and radio and all of the things that put these cruel thoughts into my mind. I have a food processor and feel as though that is the only thing I can use to chop from now on. I really am in a bad place, I cannot cope, slowly, the anxiety and depression are eating away at me and my confidence.

I want to be back to the person I used to be, radiant, professional and confident. I used to take great care in my self-image and love everything about my life. I never once thought I had an anxiety disorder or even less thought that I could be/am some sort of killer. It terrifies me to think I could act on these thoughts or to think I'm some sort of evil person.Occasionally I get suicidal thoughts but I'm too terrified of going through with anything. I know I probably should be on some form of anti-depressant but I was put on propranolol instead. This does fine to take away the tendency to start physically freaking out, but it does nothing at all to control the intrusive thoughts/obsession or the depression that goes with them.

Sorry about my rambling, last night was a really bad night for me and today is not looking too much better. I'm trying not to obsess but sometimes we just need to "offload" how we're feeling :-)

MrsS x

[Kim51]

So sorry you are having a bad day mrs s hope you rant made you feel a bit better, I have no wonderful advice I can give you as I have never suffered with intrusive thoughts, but I feel for you and have been following your posts to see how you are getting on. Hang on in there and try to be strong, thinking off you.
Take care Kim xxx:hugs:

[MrsStobe13]

Hi Kim, thankyou so much for your thoughts.I have also started a blog on Blogger where I talk about my thoughts and feelings without troubling everyone on NMP. Sometimes it helps just to write it all out, it helps "clear the air" so to speak.

If you'd like to read it, the link is: http://myharmocdjourney.blogspot.co.uk/ but I must warn you, today's post does have some bad words. Not something I generally do but I write from the heart, I just penned out my feelings. Sorry if they offend.

MrsS x