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GirlAfraid23
03-08-13, 14:42
I'm 25 next year and I'm moving out with my long term partner (will be 5 years next year).

Lots of my friends are starting to get pregnant and have babies and I'm starting to want to as well.
I figured if I start trying in the next year or so, it may take me a little while as it normally does for most women so I have read.

I've always wanted a family but terrified I won't be able to cope due to my extreme anxieties.
I am worried I will end up with PND and reject my child.
I am also terrified of giving birth and want to opt for an elective cesarean if I can.

How does everybody else cope when pregnant or trying?
I am convinced that my anxieties and panic attacks are sometimes so bad I might just lose the baby anyway.

SarahH
03-08-13, 16:14
25!!!!!

Personally I think that is very young and with your anxiety levels at the moment do you not think it would be a good idea to wait a few years until it has settled? IMHO xx

GirlAfraid23
03-08-13, 16:26
25!!!!!

Personally I think that is very young and with your anxiety levels at the moment do you not think it would be a good idea to wait a few years until it has settled? IMHO xx

It's not that unusual in my friendship group and with the people I grew up with. I'm kind of falling behind if anything.
I just feel I might be ready in the next year or so.
I want to be in my late thirties/early forties when my children are in their teens, I think it has something to do with my parents being a bit older.

SarahH
03-08-13, 16:57
OK so this is going to sound harsh but believe me it is meant with kindness...

I would never have got pregnant because it was "not unusual in my friendship group" or I felt like I was "falling behind if anything".

Sorry:shrug:

GirlAfraid23
03-08-13, 17:06
OK so this is going to sound harsh but believe me it is meant with kindness...

I would never have got pregnant because it was "not unusual in my friendship group" or I felt like I was "falling behind if anything".

Sorry:shrug:

No that's not the reason I want to. God I'm not that mad lol.

I just meant its not unusual because you seemed shocked about being 25.

I actually want kids, I'm very broody and had enough of going out and getting pissed up on the weekends. I'm ready to settle down really.

SarahH
03-08-13, 17:12
OK:D....it's just unusual in my area I suppose.

But still think MAYBE you need to get this anxiety licked before hand.

Sarah

---------- Post added at 17:12 ---------- Previous post was at 17:11 ----------

Hormones can do strange things to your body:blush:

GirlAfraid23
03-08-13, 17:19
OK:D....it's just unusual in my area I suppose.

But still think MAYBE you need to get this anxiety licked before hand.

Sarah

---------- Post added at 17:12 ---------- Previous post was at 17:11 ----------

Hormones can do strange things to your body:blush:

Yes I know that's why I posted about it lol

The thing is I may not be anxiety clear (if ever) until I'm in my 40s for all I know.
I am going to carry on my counselling but that's all I can do.
This anxiety has stopped me doing enough things in my life, I don't want it to stop me having a family too.

Elizzy
03-08-13, 18:47
Very interesting thread, I can relate to the desire for having a family, but having anxiety dampen the enthusiasm. I'm 28 this year and more keen on having my babies throughout my 30's. However I don't want to suffer from panic attacks, etc. - so I'll take this time to work on it. Another thing that makes me anxious about having kids, is how the world is today - there is just so much to worry about. Violence, moral issues, cyber bullying, allergies - I'm almost on the fence and not 100% sure about having kids anymore.

Best of luck with your healing :)

GirlAfraid23
03-08-13, 20:11
Very interesting thread, I can relate to the desire for having a family, but having anxiety dampen the enthusiasm. I'm 28 this year and more keen on having my babies throughout my 30's. However I don't want to suffer from panic attacks, etc. - so I'll take this time to work on it. Another thing that makes me anxious about having kids, is how the world is today - there is just so much to worry about. Violence, moral issues, cyber bullying, allergies - I'm almost on the fence and not 100% sure about having kids anymore.

Best of luck with your healing :)

Thanks.
Yes I can relate to those things too.
I think people with anxiety do have children and they do cope but it's going to be a long road. I'm just glad I have a supportive partner.

---------- Post added at 20:11 ---------- Previous post was at 20:03 ----------

I think for me it's also because I would have something to focus on. As strange as that sounds, I wouldn't have time to worry as much as I do now.
If I had a little boy or girl that I doted on and loved as I'm sure I will, my complete focus will be on them. Making sure they're happy and sorting out their life.
I would hope it may be the making of me and I hope I am a "natural" although I probably won't be!

starlight78
08-08-13, 20:18
To be totally honest you will feel anxious during pregnancy and as a mum, because just about everyone does! Don't get me wrong, if you are very unwell then now might not be the time to start a family, however if you are stable and managing well, but worrying about anxiety if you get pregnant, then I wouldn't let it stop you.

People have different goals and life plans and its not at all strange to be starting a family in your mid twenties if that feels right for you.

I worried about having a baby for about a year prior to conceiving. I would wake up in the middle of the night panic stricken with thoughts 'I'm trapped, theres no way out' what if I get pregnant and don't want it? What if I get so unwell I can't cope?
I'm 20 weeks pregnant now and I've had wobbles, but I'm doing good! I did start some CbT prior to getting pregnant as well as researching medication in pregnancy as I wanted to be the best I could be, but I knew it would spike my anxiety - I was ready for it!

Don't let fear of fear stop you from achieving your goals! Once you're pregnant you just do it! Lol.. It sounds daft, but something else takes over some how and your focus changes.
I'm so smitten with my little one already. Loving something so much is scary, but its worth it :) x

Stormsky
08-08-13, 20:32
It's yours and your partners decision ..
I wouldn't want to be a child the way the world is today and I don't see it getting better.

starlight78
08-08-13, 22:21
The world is what it is... In years gone by it was acceptable for children to be sent down mines. Children and wives were the property of the husband and father and could be beaten without any laws being broken. Children in poverty were sent to the workhouse, if they were 'lucky' and could be imprisoned for stealing. Even with affluent families the only option for girls was marriage. It is a myth that the world is a more dangerous place now, it's actually safer all round, only we hear more about the scary things on the news now.. I think we see want we want to see, interpret it through our own frame of reference. I feel lucky to be alive in our time!

Stormsky
08-08-13, 22:56
:roflmao:
The world is what it is... In years gone by it was acceptable for children to be sent down mines. Children and wives were the property of the husband and father and could be beaten without any laws being broken. Children in poverty were sent to the workhouse, if they were 'lucky' and could be imprisoned for stealing. Even with affluent families the only option for girls was marriage. It is a myth that the world is a more dangerous place now, it's actually safer all round, only we hear more about the scary things on the news now.. I think we see want we want to see, interpret it through our own frame of reference. I feel lucky to be alive in our time!

I agree with what you've said.. And we do hear more through media of how evil the world can be..
But we are depleting the worlds natural resources too, oil, water, food..and more ..that's why I wouldn't want to be born today...

Jennifer8907
08-08-13, 23:01
Only you can fully answer that question :)) you will know when you are ready for a baby I had my first at 17 yes far to young but yeno what he is the most pleasant beautiful little boy who I love and adore soo much and everybody tells me I have done a really good Job the thing is I had depression after him it wasn't post natal though the doctor told me the chemicals in my brain don't settle normal after I had him I left it for years before getting help silly of me! I was put on citalapram and I felt normal again :) I now have a six months old who I adore also so pleasant and laid back but after having him I am currently suffering with health anxiety it's not as severe as some posts I have come across I'm now on some tablets again to help seem to be working slowly but I'm getting there :)) being a mummy is the most amazing, precious, wonderful thing but on the other hand it's tiring life changing and challenging it will change your life like you wouldn't believe but to me my babies our the love of my life!! The decision is only down to you and your partner just go into it with open eyes and if you add the pros and cons up see where you are at the moment could leave it an other year and see where you are then pregnancy hormones to a lot to the mind your body goes through so many changes. Good luck in what ever path you decide to take :)) xxx

Meewah
14-08-13, 01:44
I wouldn't want to be a child the way the world is today and I don't see it getting better.

So sad you perceive it this way. Humans learn through mistakes, we are already talking about mining asteroids to provide our future resources. We are very resourceful and the mor of us on the planet the more chance we have got of overcoming negative, catastrophizing like this. We are becoming more compassionate than ever before. We have the ability to overcome most things we mess up. I can only feel huge optimism for life on earth look how our fellow man has cured dieases and made a safe and warm home for you to enjoy. Just ask the old boys what life was like only 40 years ago. Yes we've made mistakes but without mistakes we cannot develop we are learning all the time. I am so hopeful that one day in the near future we will cure cancer and anxiety and learn how to turn everything we have taken from the earth as minerals and reuse them again and again. If we can turn oil in to plastic why cant we turn plastic in to oil??

Lets all have sex tonight and help build a better world:bighug1:

Mee

Anxious_gal
14-08-13, 11:57
you should think about what can you offer to the potential child. Thinking about having a kid and actually having one are two different thinks.

Rain
14-08-13, 15:45
Hi Girl Afraid. Iím a little bit worried that you are wanting to have a child for the wrong reasons. Hereís what you said yourself in a previous post:

I think I have some kind of "phobia" of working, if there is such a thing? Let me explain...everytime I get a job I am happy & do it for a few weeks sometimes months & then I start feeling unhappy and restless and feel I have to leave, after calling in sick alot too.
I've been in this job for over a year now - the longest job I've had so far! And I just can't wait to leave but then my brain kicks in and I realise I am going into a career where I can't be like this and I HAVE to be capable & not call in sick/hate the job etc. As this is only retail, it doesn't cause huge problems but its still an issue of course.
I am very worried I will never be able to be a "real person" with a career, money etc. I don't want people to think i'm lazy & I also dont want my friends to think badly of me.
The only thing I can think of is getting pregnant (extreme I know!) so I don't have to work and can be a full time mum without judgements - I would also have an excuse then. Obviously I know bringing up a child is just as stressful, if not moreso but the issue I have with work, employment, routine and being tied down to something for the rest of my life scares the hell out of me!
I have worked hard at university to get a degree but even that doesnt motivate me. I don't understand how people can go into a job day in, day out, especially one they hate, we only get one chance at life & most hours are spent working and being down/sad about it.
I understand people have to earn money and of course I love payday just like everyone else but just want to know if anyone is similar?

I donít have any children but I know from my sister and others that bringing up a baby is intensely stressful at times and very hard work. You say you hate the idea of being tied down to a job and have spoken of longing for the old days when you felt more free. But having a child will tie you down for at least the next 18 years. Having a baby to get out of the rat race is a really bad idea, even if it is subconscious.

You have spoken before about wanting to be a writer. Why not concentrate on that for the moment and channel your hopes and dreams into a book? Becoming a writer is easier than ever these days with self publishing.

You have spoken also of longing for the Ďold daysí when you felt more free. Becoming a mum will only give you more responsibilities- this time very serious ones which you will be beholden to 24/7.

Are you getting any treatment- therapy of any kind Ė for the intense worrying you seem to suffer with? Maybe it would be a good idea to try to sort this out before thinking of starting a family.

Please re-read what you have written yourself on the subject before making any decisions. I wish you a brighter future free from worry. You are still young and many options are open to you at the moment. Donít be too quick to slam some of those doors shut for good.

Meewah
15-08-13, 08:02
An interesting revelation. Is this how some young girls think this day and age?

One problem without money you cant live, you exist !

Sounds to me like you should find out what motivates you, as you said life !is too short and trust me as a parent having children is the most stressful life choice you will ever make. This is because of what rain points out, dependant how many children you have dictates when the 18 years end and then you still worry about them, where they are etc...

Trust me it is rewarding but its not like a job you can't just get bored and pack it in.

Oh and don't forget to tell your partner that this is how you think and that he will have to stay with you for the full duration and be the bread winner. You will need to find a husband that is bright and a career man and you will have to look after him as he will be out all day working and meeting others so he won't want to come back to a stressful home. You'll have to work very hard to keep him there as the statistics show most marriages end in divorce.

Saying that you could find a scrounger to have kids with who does not work and you can both sit at home with no future no job and children that will follow in the steps of their parents.

If this is the life for you then life is definitely too short.

Have a long hard think about what is wrong with the way you perceive the world. Sounds to me like you have lost your drive temporarily. It will return and then you can get the interesting career you deserve and the life you wanted.

Mee

GirlAfraid23
16-08-13, 18:39
Hi Girl Afraid. I’m a little bit worried that you are wanting to have a child for the wrong reasons. Here’s what you said yourself in a previous post:

I think I have some kind of "phobia" of working, if there is such a thing? Let me explain...everytime I get a job I am happy & do it for a few weeks sometimes months & then I start feeling unhappy and restless and feel I have to leave, after calling in sick alot too.
I've been in this job for over a year now - the longest job I've had so far! And I just can't wait to leave but then my brain kicks in and I realise I am going into a career where I can't be like this and I HAVE to be capable & not call in sick/hate the job etc. As this is only retail, it doesn't cause huge problems but its still an issue of course.
I am very worried I will never be able to be a "real person" with a career, money etc. I don't want people to think i'm lazy & I also dont want my friends to think badly of me.
The only thing I can think of is getting pregnant (extreme I know!) so I don't have to work and can be a full time mum without judgements - I would also have an excuse then. Obviously I know bringing up a child is just as stressful, if not moreso but the issue I have with work, employment, routine and being tied down to something for the rest of my life scares the hell out of me!
I have worked hard at university to get a degree but even that doesnt motivate me. I don't understand how people can go into a job day in, day out, especially one they hate, we only get one chance at life & most hours are spent working and being down/sad about it.
I understand people have to earn money and of course I love payday just like everyone else but just want to know if anyone is similar?

I don’t have any children but I know from my sister and others that bringing up a baby is intensely stressful at times and very hard work. You say you hate the idea of being tied down to a job and have spoken of longing for the old days when you felt more free. But having a child will tie you down for at least the next 18 years. Having a baby to get out of the rat race is a really bad idea, even if it is subconscious.

You have spoken before about wanting to be a writer. Why not concentrate on that for the moment and channel your hopes and dreams into a book? Becoming a writer is easier than ever these days with self publishing.

You have spoken also of longing for the ‘old days’ when you felt more free. Becoming a mum will only give you more responsibilities- this time very serious ones which you will be beholden to 24/7.

Are you getting any treatment- therapy of any kind – for the intense worrying you seem to suffer with? Maybe it would be a good idea to try to sort this out before thinking of starting a family.

Please re-read what you have written yourself on the subject before making any decisions. I wish you a brighter future free from worry. You are still young and many options are open to you at the moment. Don’t be too quick to slam some of those doors shut for good.


I've been on holiday so haven't been able to reply.
All these things were true at some point, however although I am an intense worrier I can also cope with daily life.
I have had a job for over a year now and although I don't like being tied to a job I still do it.
Although I had an intense fear of the road, I passed my driving test & now drive around by myself pretty much everywhere.

Just because I have anxiety I don't want to put a potential family life on hold because I may never get fully "well" My partner does know about these things and he is successful and a in a good career (accountancy) so is bringing in reasonable money.
I wouldn't want to work straight away after having my child because I would hate for he or she to spend the early years of their life in somebody else's care.
He agrees with me on this.

I am not using a child as an excuse, not by any means, otherwise I would have had one back when I was 17/18 and used he or she as an excuse for not wanting to work.

If it does happen, it won't be for a year or so. I just feel I am starting to be ready now.
Despite the anxiety I want to have a family and enjoy family life, I don't want to regret when I turn around at 40 and realise that I should have done it a long time before.

cat85pink
18-08-13, 02:50
Hey

I'm 28 my husband is 31 we have been trying for a baby for 3 years, when we started trying I was doing so well with my agoraphobia,

Now 3 years (39 negative cycles) has been so hard, we thought it might happen quick, was naive you just dont know about infertility unless effected,

Be prepared that is very hard emotionally if it does happen month after month, but also be aware it could happen first month of trying

We have a fertility appointment next month, I'm nervous about everything, how I'll cope during pregnancy Labour, not because of a baby though because of my illness, I know a lot about babies I helped raise my nephews, I think I know a lot, so I'm confident about feeding taking care of a baby, what I can't predict is my levels of anxiety during it all,

Trying for your first is a new experience to every mum to be, just because we have more anxiety shouldn't stop us, my husband works, he'll bring in the money, I'll take care of the home & baby,

25 doesn't seem too young if you feel ready, I think anyone over 21 is old enough, my friends are 26-32 they all have familys, my sister was 21 with 3 kids;

I knew I was ready after I met & married my hubby, ive always wanted children but never put an age on it till I met the right man,

X

Madammalinsky
18-08-13, 05:21
Hello
Well it's good that you are giving some thought to what could lie ahead, that way you can prepare for help if necessary thru doctors and midwives. Of course, you might be absolutely fine!!
I've had 2 children and basically had a nervous breakdown (I think the modern term is post traumatic stress syndrome!). After my first, I was so anxious I started to bang my head off walls in hospital and then wanted the forms to put the baby up for adoption.(!!) after the second, I felt pretty much the same way but this time help was on hand with lots if support from CPN, midwife and docs. However what made the biggest and most outstanding difference was the most simple thing in the world. Are you ready for it? Breast feeding! I bottle fed the first thinking that I was so anxious my milk wouldn't come, but persevered with the second and that forced the bonding, and actually relatively quickly I was recovering. I cannot tell you how much it helped.
Something to bear in mind. Hope you get on ok.
Regards
Annabelle

Stormsky
20-08-13, 12:01
So sad you perceive it this way. Humans learn through mistakes, we are already talking about mining asteroids to provide our future resources. We are very resourceful and the mor of us on the planet the more chance we have got of overcoming negative, catastrophizing like this. We are becoming more compassionate than ever before. We have the ability to overcome most things we mess up. I can only feel huge optimism for life on earth look how our fellow man has cured dieases and made a safe and warm home for you to enjoy. Just ask the old boys what life was like only 40 years ago. Yes we've made mistakes but without mistakes we cannot develop we are learning all the time. I am so hopeful that one day in the near future we will cure cancer and anxiety and learn how to turn everything we have taken from the earth as minerals and reuse them again and again. If we can turn oil in to plastic why cant we turn plastic in to oil??

Lets all have sex tonight and help build a better world:bighug1:

Mee
Sorry have to agree to disagree...
More compassionate? Just read the news

paranoidtree
27-08-13, 09:26
i turned 30 this year and my husband is 38. I always imagined I would have 3 children by now, or at least be on the way to achieving that however my dreams have changed. I decided that I didn't want to have children whilst I couldn't cope just looking after myself and until I have dealt with my unresolved trauma issues though this is a really personal decision.

I am anxious about having children and having talked to my husband we have decided that if we do have children, in reality we may only have 1 depending on how i cope with pregnancy and labour and the baby itself. I'm learning that I can't really make decisions on the future as it hasn't happened yet, i just know that right now in this moment i'm not ready. I worried for my husband due to his age but he tells me it's fine - i have to trust him on that!

It is hard as we are the only married couple out of our friends who don't have children - many have 2 or 3 children now!

Anyway, lots of posters are right - only you know if you are ready and that the time is right. Don't do it because your friends are, or because you think you should. Do it because you and your partner want to.

starlight78
30-08-13, 07:19
I think that looking at the world we see what we feel. So if we are feeling scared and low we see all the negatives.
Of course there are sad and horrible things because humans are complex and flawed - but there is by far and away more goodness and beauty. Just in one day I see examples of it everywhere if I take the time to look for it. Someone holds a door open for me in a shop, a stranger, so why would they? What's the logic? Because of manners and kindness! Someone let me out in my car at a junction.. Same again, why?
My brother is a fireman, he and his colleagues risk their lives to save others. Why? It can't be the money, there are easier and much better paid ways.
I just watched a clip on FB of people being everyday heroes, going out of their way to help strangers. Some of them jumped on track tracks to save people that had fallen. They risked themselves to save another. That makes so sense evolutionarily or biologically so why? Because of the innate goodness in the majority of people.
We see all the bad things on the news because it sells papers!
If I'm feeling low I deliberately don't watch the news and make myself look for all the small kindnesses in my life as well as trying to show kindness to others.

I know this is a little off topic, but I wanted to say it. At 24 weeks pregnant I am seeing even more loveliness. Complete strangers are smiling at me and wanting to share advice and my joy.

For me pregnancy has actually reduced my anxiety and made me move my focus away from myself to that of my child. I am pleased I am having my baby right now in this time, where things are certainly not perfect, but that we see that they arent and are trying to do something about it.

I know I sound very do gooder - but try looking for the kindnesses each day, even the tiny ones x

suki300
24-09-13, 12:16
An interesting topic - when is the right time to have a baby?

I think if you went by the book - most of us would never have children!

I got pregnant at 24, although my dd wasn't planned, she was a blessing in my life.

I think if you are planning a baby though, using a child to change your life is probably not advisable. During pregnancy worrying is very normal. With my second I felt very ill because I wasn't on the right level of thyroxine. It can bring different anxieties on and then of course everyone worries about labour, but that's a fleeting moment compared to after that.

You worry if you will be a good parent and it doesn't stop. The picture you have in your head of how you will be as a parent never plays out. Children have different personalities, will yours be the one running around biting other children at playgroup. It's not unusual for a mum to leave in tears.

When the baby is born, you realise you don't know anything about looking after babies (unless you are in some sort of profession that deals with them). It takes time to know what to do and that can make you feel like an idiot, a failure. Your hormones will play havoc and some days you'll feel down and teary (that happens to all mums). Some days you'll feel trapped at home, you'll be fed of of watching cbeebies, you'll be desperate for a good nights sleep more than a good night out (although you'll want one of those as well). You might feel very lonely, like you've turned into a housewife. You will be late for most things. The house will be a mess, you will have just got the baby to sleep and someone will call meaning you can't sleep or get the housework done. Well-meaning people will offer advice, or interfere and you will hate them!

Lack of sleep - it's relentless, like nothing anyone can describe - you will be desperate, resentful, emotional. This isn't like having to wake up at 7am for work after a very late night out. This is non-stop, dreadful sleep deprivation, which will last for months and you will forget what it is like to have a good nights sleep - you will dream of getting 8 hours of sleep. You will forget what it was like to not be in an endless routine of dirty nappies, sleeping patterns and if you are breastfeeding - you will find that feeding on demand is like constant feeding.

You will be desperate to drink a cup of tea that hasn't turned cold, or eat a meal without having a baby on one arm.

You will end up in a slanging match with your other half as you compete for who is the most tired. If you breastfeed, you might struggle for it to happen and you will feel like you have failed, or it might be extremely painful and you'll feel like giving up and you may well feel awful. You will have to do all the night feeds unless you express - which is difficult.

You will realise you and your other half will have different views on how to raise a child. Sometimes when you are both very tired, you won't handle things well and you'll feel like you have nothing in common.

You will end up at the hospital several times at 2am with your little one and feel like you've wasted the doctors time.

You said it would stop you from being judged - but any parent will tell you - you are judged far more from pregnancy to beyond. People will judge how your bump looks. complete strangers will walk up to you in the street and tell you what a bad job you are doing, or tell you you're doing it wrong. The world will be your judge and they won't be afraid to let you know how you are doing, especially if they think you're doing it wrong.

That is the reality. Now of course I do not regret for one minute having my two (now 12 and 9), although you might wonder why when I've put the above, it will test you as a person and of course most people are good parents and try their best and they get through it, but you never say "I'm a great parent" - because you'll always feel inadequate. You need supportive friends, communication with your other half and knowing how to ask for help.

It is true that being a parent is very rewarding, but it will change your life forever, it will make even the sanest person feel like they are going mad at times, but if it was that dreadful- no-one would have more than one child.

My anxiety was at a relatively low level at the time, but my hormones made me behave strangely at times during my first pregnancy. What did help was that I felt I was in more of a unit - I liked being part of a family, although me and my husband struggled and went through some tough times - we are now exceptionally close. The most difficult bits of being a parent are probably the first three years (until they become teenagers - I'd guess). The sleepless nights end etc. But the routine always has to be there - the meal times, the washing and as a mum do do end up doing the lions share and that can be annoying sometimes.

Sorry for the long reply - hope it's of some use.

cat85pink
25-09-13, 01:47
Suki

Wow I know you are explaining the hard bits, but its got to be a lot more good and happy times compared to the bad bits,

We are talking about having one baby,

What I have is good support from family & friends, close by, and if me and hubby are exhausted then we hope we'd get a good nights sleep with there help, as for going out, its over rated in my opinion, as ive not drank for years anyway,

Experience, I have learnt that from my nephews, not just babysitting, but living with them, being their carer when mum was in hospital,

What ive also learnt is that 3 is so much harder than the 1. 1 was a joy, & we were never out numbered, even during the sleepless nights, we'd do it in shifts,

Hormones is hard, and the judgement would be too,

But for me swapping the luxurious sleep, nights out, and being the only couple childless means everything to us,

We think of the good bits, having the our new born sleeping on us, waking up on birthdays Christmas together, completeing our family,

The main bit I worry about is when im sick, and have a child to look after, lets hope my hubby can manage at those times,

suki300
25-09-13, 08:28
Cat -

Of course there are good bits or like I said no-one would have more than one child, but if someone wants a baby, the reality is the good bits are very easy to imagine - it's lovely when a small child says "I love you" and I think that's easy for anyone to relate to or understand - because it is instantaneous. Feelings of pride etc - that's part of the reason people want children for the good times - everyone already knows the good bits.

What all parents will tell you is no-one can relate to the bad things: Lack of sleep is so much harder to describe. You think you know what lack of sleep is, unless you've been a carer or something you have no idea. You think you will be a good parent, but you turn into your mother. In the grand scheme of things it's great - but it's heartbreaking when a complete stranger comes up to you and tells you you should be smacking your child and that's a side of parenting that doesn't really get discussed.

Sometimes the good times outweigh the bad (most times now they're older) - but specially when mine were babies and even with a baby that was pretty good with routine there were times when it was so very hard - I was simply exhausted.

cat85pink
25-09-13, 17:39
The judgement would be hard, from strangers & friends

All our friends have kids, and one just had her first three month ago, she has no experience, and I do realize when shes not with us when we have aget together, we talk about her parenting, or how its different to theres they have more than one child each, and often say 'ah its her first' they don't mean any harm but we all have our own opinions, & beliefs, and really most people are always doing their best, and everyone has different lifestyles & different life experiences,

Men dont seem to be so judgementantal?

I love my friends, but find males a lot more easy going, probably because they have a wife doing more,

The lack of sleep, is something I can't prepare for as if I have a bad night, I soon catch up within a few days, not the same if you have sleepless nights, & early mornings with a child,

Anxious_gal
25-09-13, 21:08
Maybe you should try fostering? There's lots of babies and children out there that need a foster home. Plus it would give you a good feel for what it's like looking after children.

Your anxiety will be bad after the baby due to hormones and lack of sleep. So you will need a lot of support from people.

Chili9
09-10-13, 18:43
25 is not a young age for having a baby, it's all a matter of individual opinions etc but I was 26 when I had my daughter and I love being a younger mum as I know I will also still be quite young when she is that bit older and although I had anxiety, I had lots of support throughout my pregnancy through professionals (not so much her dad lol) even although I was in hospital a couple of times just through worry but they didn't look down on me. You have to find out how much support you will get throughout your pregnancy. There should be numbers you can call to a midwife or health visitor as I was able to call and get reassurance. I am in the same boat as you though as I would love another baby in the next year but worried about anxiety again but to me, I am not going to let this get in the way of my happiness (easier said than done) but I don't want to not have a baby because of this and look back in years to come and think why did I allow it to stop my dreams? I don't ever think my anxiety will go away and I will say this, it might get worse after having a child as mine did, only because you have this huge responsibility and you love this little person with all your heart etc. so you have to ask yourself and your doctor about what support you will get during and after pregnancy and take it from there...One thing is for sure, when I am at an ultimate low and feel like I can't cope anymore, my daughter always manages to put a smile on my face, my child makes life worth living and can sometimes snap me out of feeling sorry for myself. Talk to your doctor about this, he/she should guide you in the right direction, if not, get another one and make sure you are happy with what support you will receive before having a baby. Good luck:)