shotokansho
05-08-13, 21:19
Hello everyone.
I've been here for 4 years or more now and I have gained loads of confidence with people on here and have talked a lot. I have made many good friends and found nothing but support and kindness from members. I have touched on this subject before but never really plucked up the courage to discuss it properly. So here goes. :unsure:
When I was 12 going on 13 (I'm 36) now I was sexually abused by my step father. It wasn't my first sexual abusive encounter it had happened before by other family members. There was also an occasion when I was really small and I was sat in the local library at a table reading a childrens book. A man came and sat next to me and told me I was a pretty girl and stroked my leg. I managed to move away but never told anyone about the incident.
Anyway...My step dad, after all these years is still part of the family. Although I don't have to see him as much anymore because he lives miles away and commutes to visit my mother at weekends. He still brought us up and was my 'dad' all through growing up, all the while I was hiding this secret. The abuse did stop after a short while and he never did it again and as far as I know he never touched my sisters or anyone else. The thing is my mum knew, I eventually broke down in tears and told her. I think I have blocked a lot of it out because I can't really remember what happened next. From the bits I have discovered from my mum he was having a psychiatric breakdown and had a mind of a 5 year old. I don't buy this because he knew what he was doing, I specifically remember him asking me if he scared me and asking me not to tell my mum. Does that sound like someone with the mind of a 5 year old? He got therapy...I didn't!!
Mum said she did kick him out but I cried and cried and cried and begged her to have him back. Why would I do that? Do you think it's because I felt guilty and didn't want to be responsible for the family splitting up? We had already been through a bad divorce with mum and dad and I didn't want the same happening again. Plus mum was happy and I didn't want to take that away from her. So I get to go through school with this dark secret, I was also constantly badly bullied during my school years and did dreadful with my exams. I don't ever remember my mum ever asking me if I was ok or offering me any kind of counselling. Recently when my mental health was low I was very upset and brought it up with my mum, she said I was sexually active and came onto him!!!! :ohmy:
I had to stop the conversation right there, I couldn't take hearing anymore. It just confirmed my beliefs that it was my fault and reinforced my guilt. I am actually crying now. :weep My therapist has told me that it wasn't my fault and that I was the child, so it's all down to him...I was starting to believe this until mum said that. She said since it happened she has never been able to be intimate with him, they are more like companions now than anything. This doesn't make me feel me any better.
I haven't really been able to tell anyone involved in my care until recently because I have two sons and they are not allowed near him, which crushes me because they see him as their grandad. My eldest boy is 16 and he is virtually my carer, if he knew he would kill him. He really looks up to him and sees him as a surrogate dad. Most of the time, even though I think about it everyday I can cope with it but when I am depressed or my mental health is poor it's BANG right there in my face and all I do is cry. I've been crying myself to sleep every night for the last 3 weeks and to be honest I just want to shout it from the roof tops. I just need to get it out. Mum said if I ever wanted to do anything about it then she would support me but could you just imagine, our family would be a family no more and the stress of it all would probably put me back in hospital.
Mum said my step dad has been close to walking into a police station and telling them himself because he feels that guilty. I do believe that he is sorry and feels guilty, but sometimes I wish he would just do that. He has also been close to deliberatley crashing his car and he has been prescribed prozac. What gets me is though, that if he saw someone about it when it happened why didn't the doctor report it? Surely they have a duty of care?
I just don't know how to deal with this guys. I have a great supportive mum, when I am ill or in the psych unit she is always there for my boys, they would be in care if it wasn't for her. I would be lost without her. I wouldn't be lost without him though, I wish he wasn't in my life. He provides everything for her, she would have nothing without him. I don't feel hate for him though, my feelings for him are just numbness. I can't be near him though, he makes me feel nervous.
I don't know what to do about this anymore and I don't know how much longer I can keep it a secret. :weep: I'm sorry if I've upset anyone with this, I just really needed to talk. Thank you so much for reading and listening.
Kez xx
I've been here for 4 years or more now and I have gained loads of confidence with people on here and have talked a lot. I have made many good friends and found nothing but support and kindness from members. I have touched on this subject before but never really plucked up the courage to discuss it properly. So here goes. :unsure:
When I was 12 going on 13 (I'm 36) now I was sexually abused by my step father. It wasn't my first sexual abusive encounter it had happened before by other family members. There was also an occasion when I was really small and I was sat in the local library at a table reading a childrens book. A man came and sat next to me and told me I was a pretty girl and stroked my leg. I managed to move away but never told anyone about the incident.
Anyway...My step dad, after all these years is still part of the family. Although I don't have to see him as much anymore because he lives miles away and commutes to visit my mother at weekends. He still brought us up and was my 'dad' all through growing up, all the while I was hiding this secret. The abuse did stop after a short while and he never did it again and as far as I know he never touched my sisters or anyone else. The thing is my mum knew, I eventually broke down in tears and told her. I think I have blocked a lot of it out because I can't really remember what happened next. From the bits I have discovered from my mum he was having a psychiatric breakdown and had a mind of a 5 year old. I don't buy this because he knew what he was doing, I specifically remember him asking me if he scared me and asking me not to tell my mum. Does that sound like someone with the mind of a 5 year old? He got therapy...I didn't!!
Mum said she did kick him out but I cried and cried and cried and begged her to have him back. Why would I do that? Do you think it's because I felt guilty and didn't want to be responsible for the family splitting up? We had already been through a bad divorce with mum and dad and I didn't want the same happening again. Plus mum was happy and I didn't want to take that away from her. So I get to go through school with this dark secret, I was also constantly badly bullied during my school years and did dreadful with my exams. I don't ever remember my mum ever asking me if I was ok or offering me any kind of counselling. Recently when my mental health was low I was very upset and brought it up with my mum, she said I was sexually active and came onto him!!!! :ohmy:
I had to stop the conversation right there, I couldn't take hearing anymore. It just confirmed my beliefs that it was my fault and reinforced my guilt. I am actually crying now. :weep My therapist has told me that it wasn't my fault and that I was the child, so it's all down to him...I was starting to believe this until mum said that. She said since it happened she has never been able to be intimate with him, they are more like companions now than anything. This doesn't make me feel me any better.
I haven't really been able to tell anyone involved in my care until recently because I have two sons and they are not allowed near him, which crushes me because they see him as their grandad. My eldest boy is 16 and he is virtually my carer, if he knew he would kill him. He really looks up to him and sees him as a surrogate dad. Most of the time, even though I think about it everyday I can cope with it but when I am depressed or my mental health is poor it's BANG right there in my face and all I do is cry. I've been crying myself to sleep every night for the last 3 weeks and to be honest I just want to shout it from the roof tops. I just need to get it out. Mum said if I ever wanted to do anything about it then she would support me but could you just imagine, our family would be a family no more and the stress of it all would probably put me back in hospital.
Mum said my step dad has been close to walking into a police station and telling them himself because he feels that guilty. I do believe that he is sorry and feels guilty, but sometimes I wish he would just do that. He has also been close to deliberatley crashing his car and he has been prescribed prozac. What gets me is though, that if he saw someone about it when it happened why didn't the doctor report it? Surely they have a duty of care?
I just don't know how to deal with this guys. I have a great supportive mum, when I am ill or in the psych unit she is always there for my boys, they would be in care if it wasn't for her. I would be lost without her. I wouldn't be lost without him though, I wish he wasn't in my life. He provides everything for her, she would have nothing without him. I don't feel hate for him though, my feelings for him are just numbness. I can't be near him though, he makes me feel nervous.
I don't know what to do about this anymore and I don't know how much longer I can keep it a secret. :weep: I'm sorry if I've upset anyone with this, I just really needed to talk. Thank you so much for reading and listening.
Kez xx