Off work again - depressed.

[missacorah]

Hi everyone. This is gonna be a moaner so feel free to skip ahead if you are in a good mood.

I managed to get back to work last week and was delighted after being off since the start of September. I didnt feel too bad at all even though my main fear was getting 'ill' at work and fainting there etc. I even managed to attend a day course at my workplace where at one point I was called up to the front and had to stand there in front of the crowd and help demonstrate something (the stuff of nightmares for me). I was ecstatic afterwards. Then on Friday I felt like I was gonna pass out but as I only had an hour left I made myself stay but still felt awful - the feelings didnt pass.

At the weekend I was worse, even the dizziness returned and I felt weak and faint.

Monday I managed to get down to work(its only round the corner so i walk) but knew in my heart I would be coming straight home as I felt so bad. I have never had to come home before through feeling ill. So I had to go in and tell the teacher I work with I couldnt stay and she was really nice about it all and I left.

Now I am off still, I am going to the doctors today and dont know what to say. I dont know which of these symptoms are real and which are in my head - I just know that they are all there to me! I feel like just asking him to sign me off work indefinately but i know in the long run thats not gonna help the way I feel. But I feel the added pressure of trying to get myself back to work is adding to my worry - I dont even know if thats causing the anxiety?I feel so down and feel I am losing my mind to all this.

Any advice would be hugely appreciated, especially regarding my work! (I work in a school so its quite a hands on job). Thank you x

[angie3077]

Hi, can I just ask if you have gone back to work full time or part time? as I think it is very easy to just think ' I m better now' and simply throw yourself into the deep end thinking that you will cope. Its a good idea when returning to work after depression/mental illness just to start off part time and gradually increase your work load, also making sure your colleagues/managers understand fully about your situation so they are aware of how much you will cope with so as not to scare you off in any way!
What stands out to me is that any job in teaching demands confidence and a great deal of patience!! so I know you have it in you already to have this job! It is just learning to get back to that and believing in yourself again...which by the way if you can stand up in front of a crowd I think you are doing flippin' well indeed[^]
You have admitted you feel under pressure to get back to work, this should not be the case...give yourself the time and as I said gradually start increasing your hours again, and even then if you feel the same just take it easy, you will know when you are ready to increase your workload, you just will. If you are putting extra pressure on yourself over this it will only make your anxiety worse all round....putting yourself back to square one. What did your GP say?

Angie x

[NPS_Paul]

I'd find a different less pressurised job, with fewer people around. Work on getting better and then return refreshed to being a classroom assistant. Love, Paul

Love to all members

[yorkylover]

Hi there,it sounds like standing up infront of all those people has made your anxiety worse and thats why you dont want to go into work.maybe Paul is right you may need a job with fewer people and less pressurised.
Hope you feel better real soon.
Take care

Ellen XX

[missacorah]

Thanks for your replies. Doctor didnt say much of any difference just signed me off for rest of this week and next week is half term anyway so...I'm not sure if its the problem with there being lots of people as right now I'm not sure I could stay anywhere for an indefinate amount of time. I am also worried that my cbt appointment should be through soon and how on earth will I sit through that?

Sorry to complain so much - just had enough of all this.It seems very unfair. I am a reasonably good person. I dont take drugs, alcohol, smoke, set out to hurt people etc and still this is continuing - I know dwelling on this and self pity will not help but I am just in a dark place right now.

Thanks for taking the time to reply x

[yorkylover]

How are thing today missacorah,you were so down yesterday.Im the same as you dont drink, dont smoke,dont do drugs and always putting people before my self so why do we have to suffer so much.:(

Ellen XX

[missacorah]

Hi Ellen and thank you so much for checking in on me today!

I went to my mums and we had a good long chat about how things rae with me at the moment. I have decided that if the docotr permits it I am gonna take some time off work and just concentrate on getting myself to a relatively normal state of health without the added pressure of work on top of me aswell.Will take things from there really - I just think I can get a clearer state of mind going with less things to worry about.

Thanks for caring - your posts are always so genuine x