"I want to die..."

[sambomonkee]

I took that title from something Stephen Fry once wrote, I believe he was writing about his time on QI, being funny and happy when inside all he was hearing was "I want to die".

Well that's a good comparison to my life, I am presently sitting here in the office, with "that" smile on my face, but inside I am hearing that same old sentence, over and over again. This only two months after the last time, back here again, who would have thought it would have come round so quick.

Just two months ago everything came to a peak, and within two weeks I was about to carry out the most mortal of sins, suicide, mainly due to a complete break down I managed to not do it, but was dumped on the Crisis teams, who reviewed me and sent me back to the wolves with yet another pill. Strangely this one worked, well it work for two weeks, I then developed a tolerance too it, and slowly come around in circles to here again, the cross roads of despair.

I'm again locked in my own head, watching from afar, as the robot self gets on with life, and the real me inside is screaming, screaming so loud, but no body can hear. One word can describe this, its hell, and I mean actual hell, ie your worst fears, deepest darkest despair, pain, its all here, in my head in my small world in here.

To people that have not suffered, they have no concept of that, but to people that know what I am talking about, im sure you can relate.

All of these caused by what the media and some people see as small issues, get on with your life they say, snap out of it, but due to a combination of anxiety based fears, OCD in terms of thought patterns I always spiral out of control, lately though, the bottom of my pit has lowered, and now I am the last chance saloon, two ways out, one is life one is death.

Which one do I take, well as it stands the latter is the most appealing, mainly due to the fact that its intermingled in my personality now, its something that is controllable, its something that has a surreal comfort too it. I will not say what else is my life but I have not been "alive" for years now, so whats the difference, carry on regardless, seek help yet again to be thrown another pill that does not work, or take the easy, the cowards route out?

I'm not looking for any sympathy or trying to seek any attention (that is the last thing I want), I just want to put it down in writing, so hopefully, some of you can see, that maybe there are people worse and let you see where my faults lay and help you out of this stinking pit, as nobody deserves to be here, I mean nobody.

As it stands, don't rush out and try and find my IP, I am in no immediate danger, but I feel that I am at that cross road and I am heavily leaning toward that road to darkness, rest and most important ending of the fear, the planning for my journey is now beginning.

One questions nags at me in all this, and that is why? Why am I like this, what have i done wrong, if your religious why would a greater being allow people to suffer like this, just why, none of it makes sense. Why me....just Why?

[aggiecuttler]

hi i am a christian and was diagnosed with a brain tumour this year, but you can not see things as clearly as its gods will its not, and if you ask him to help you he will help, and it offers me so much comfort, to be able to do this. we all have different paths and we all have hurdles to climb, you have a hurdle and its not easy if the meds are not working then i would try and join a christian group or something as this would help you, people will be understanding and loving and do not judge, keep going with the meds and the drs will find one that works, life is precious and although taking your life may seem to be a way out its one that you can never go back on, keep posting and if you want to pm please do i will help you through as best as i can, blessings

[sambomonkee]

I'm still not sure even why I wrote the above, it felt like something I had to do for some reason.

I would say that I'm not religious per say, or in the traditional sense, I believe, well I know as its scientifically proven that all energy is NEVER lost, ie me clapping my hands uses energy, that energy is then turned into sound energy and heat etc etc equal to amount it took to move my arms, all energy is pretty much eternal, so up-scale that, and humans are just a bundle of energy, that energy will then transform into something else, fact.

Do I believe in a single or multi being controlling anything, no I don't think so, if i am wrong though, the first question I will ask, is why the suffering, but I do believe there is a strict and defined order and everything has is place and task however small and pointless it may seem to us, was or is that by design, I'm open to ideas on that one.

My point being I guess is that I can't like you maybe call upon faith to help me, I can find no comfort there, I wish I was one of those people that do feel faith makes a difference. Faith in People is a different thing, in the whole the human race it pretty amazing, and most people are just so kind, although when people try to help me with kind words or direct help I become very uncomfortable, and shy away from it, as I feel I'm wasting their time, hence I rather people don't show any sympathy on here, just makes me feel very uncomfortable indeed and unworthy of it.

I have no idea where this is or am going, feels like one of my counselling seasons where it goes off on a crazy tangent.

[sambomonkee]

Well today the road seemed allot shorter than first thought, with the space of a few seconds I had decided to do it, there and then, no fear just realisation of how to do it quickly, at the same point the tears started to flow the body shakes uncontrollable, which gave me enough time to back off, but it was a close call.

Still I then did next what seemed the rational thing to do (thinking back maybe not), was drive over 40 miles in one direction to a beauty spot, I sat there for what seemed like 30 minutes, but in fact was 4 hours, must have been locked in my head.

I felt worse when I heard people where out looking for me, I had not asked for them to do that, but I guess I'm not thinking straight about anything.

Anyway, back at home (which was a struggle to come back too), and have my first CBT season tomorrow, guess I'm going into this completely wrong frame of mind for it to work.

I have also made the decision to come off the Mirtazapine, I am going to slowly withdraw from it since it is doing absolutely nothing any more, a massive disappointment after the first two weeks on it - 2 months in total. I think I'm going to have to give the GP one more try, but I suspect I really need to be under the wing of a psychologist now, if not on the NHS I will pay to go private.

In the mean time, this is pretty much my only outlet, words flow from my fingers so much easier than speaking.

[Tufty]

I don't read all the threads on the forum but the title of yours drew me in. I have had a few days of high anxiety and am having those thoughts of 'I wish I were dead' again. I too have been under the crisis team and been on the medication merry go round. Interestingly Mirtazapine worked well for me for a month but after 10 weeks I was worse than when I started. I reduced the Mirtazapine slowly and didn't suffer any withdrawal effects.

There is hope, no one stays like this forever, it will pass. Suicide is never the right solution, the suffering of mental illness is immeasurable and feels intolerable, but you will cope. Next week or next month you will be feeling better again and back to enjoying things. Please go to see your Dr, explain to him what happened today and ask to be referred to a specialist. Sometimes all we need is time to pass for us to feel better, sometimes we need medication and talking therapies but having support and hope are essential. Never give up, try to accept that this is how you feel at the moment and it just is, don't try to escape from it or understand it, it just is.

Take care
Sam

[sambomonkee]

I saw the CBT/mindfulness person today, who I think was also a psychologist??, anyway, my appointment turned from one hour into 1.5 hours, for obvious reasons. This person was a million times better than the crappy session I had 10 years ago.

I have to go back again at 4pm today, as she wants to see what can be done to get me through the weekend (always the worst times for me). I'm not sure what that will involve, but Crisis team and hospital was mentioned again, I quite simply just don't care.

She did ask if I could keep myself safe, and I had to answer honestly to that, and that being I simply do not know, it only takes a split second like last time and I may not be able to stop it.

I'm a riding the the wave of adrenaline from the meeting at the moment, but I just waiting for the come down from that and the expected low that follows.

Some of the stuff she went through made complete sense, and one thing well two things I have thought separate issues in the mess I'm in turn out to be related, which I have never put together before, strange I have never connected them, but its so obvious now.

[Tufty]

I'm really pleased you were able to speak openly to her about how you've been feeling. It sounds like she is rightly concerned about you and taking action, I hope you're reassured by this and that some support is put in place.

Do you have list of people you can contact in a crisis? I was asked to make one last time I crashed and although I have not used it yet, it is reassuring to know there are people I can phone. Stop and phone someone before you take any action, even if you think there is no point, talking to people and letting the moment pass is sometimes all that we need.

Keep us posted

Sam x

[sambomonkee]

Just spent another 1 and half hours in the GP surgery, another 30 minutes with the CBT lady, and hour with the GP (poor sod), whilst there he phoned the mental health team I saw last time, but then had to phone the Crisis team, I thought they were the same? Anyway, as I know I will be most risk at the weekend, the Crisis team are coming to me tomorrow, which is actually good as I have something to aim at, instead of just hanging on for the end of the weekend.

The GP was on the phone reading back what I had done yesterday, it was just cringe worthy, just wanted him to shut up.

One thing I did't realise was that last time they diagnosed me with 3 disorders!!, one was recurring depressive disorder, one was something with "somatic" in it, and the other I knew about being HA Anxiety.

I'm sitting on the wave of adrenaline at the moment, so feel OK, but that will crash later, it is reassuring to have some sort of support though, I don't feel so alone.

[sambomonkee]

Under the care of the crisis team now, they came yesterday and spent two hours here, had a few choices for today, one being they came to see me or I contact them if things go wrong. They said their job was to keep people out of hospital, which makes sense.

I choose the later, both did not appeal, but the later seemed to most flexible, that said today has been bad, a little bit of self harm and many suicidal thoughts, have not got the motivation to phone them.

I just want to give up, I have fought this far too long, in my head the trigger for the anxiety which starts the decline is just so real, I going to pop two of three Diazpam, and hope it knocks me out to see out at least another day (GP appointment Wednesday)

I have found writing on here a bit of an outlet, but that seems to have stopped working as well :(.

[blingkasa]

Hello, Sorry to hear what you are going through. It is so hard to describe but you have really managed to put into words what so many of us feel. It is all part of an Illness that can't be seen and that makes it worse, as people just dont " get it". I realized the other day that we get the normal feelings of being sad, unhappy,worried, guilty, anxious etc but depression seems to have no real description does it? It's just gloom and emptiness and yet we dont know why we have it and feel so unworthy and hopeless. I am going through a bad time as well at the moment, there are days i just stay in bed where i feel safe. And i get labelled " lazy" which is so far from the truth as its not even laziness that keeps me in bed, its because i feel less threatened and i dont want to face " people" and the " world" and all its demands when its hard at times to just walk ! I just want you to know that the fact you can write it all down and have people around who are able to offer you some help is a great thing. Dont place demands on yourself and never for one minute think you are not worthy because you are and I am grateful you took time to write how you feel as a lot of us can identify with it. At times like this faith is the last thing we beleive we have, but, if we can find it within to keep going and to start to see this illness as an illness then there are always ways of feeling better. I tend to over judge myself and this turns into self loathing and i wish i was " normal" but, i dont there is such a thing as totally " normal". Anyway, do keep going, find your path, and dont give up, sometimes miracles happen. I am on my 10th week of prozac and still waiting it to kick in. You are not alone in this. Never think you are. Lots of Love.

[AuntieMoosie]

Hello there,

Well, with me, you are most definitely talking to someone who knows exactly what it's like to be where you are, as I've been there myself and wouldn't want to visit again.

I have to say that I admire you for the way you are coping and dealing with it.

I just couldn't, I was consumed morning, noon and night with Suicidal thoughts and death and dying to the point that I just couldn't function safely at all.

I had a CPN come to see me at first and she asked me if I could promise her that I would do anything........I said no, I'm sorry but I'm just unable to promise anything like that, how could I, when I didn't even know myself??

So I was admitted to hospital for my own safety and I'm glad that I was too.

It sounds to me like you've still got some rational thought, which is good as it's that that is keeping you safe.

You describe your feelings and what happens when you reach this point so much better that I ever could.

There's a few things that I'd like to say to you now.......

Firstly your safety must come first. You are only feeling like this because you are not well, depression does lift, it always does eventually and you're not always going to feel like this, this is only a temporary state that you're in and it will pass. If at any point, you feel that you can no longer resist the urges to harm yourself, please get help immediately and please make sure that you tell everyone around you, from the medical staff to your family and friends how you are feeling as they can make sure to keep you safe, the crisis point will pass, I know because mine did.


Secondly keep talking and talking and talking, it really does help, there are always lovely, kind, understanding and supportive people here, and there are many others out in the community.


But above all keep telling yourself that this will pass and you will come out of the other side and be well and happy again :)

[sambomonkee]

Hello there,


I had a CPN come to see me at first and she asked me if I could promise her that I would do anything........I said no, I'm sorry but I'm just unable to promise anything like that, how could I, when I didn't even know myself??



How strange the differences between services, I was asked the same question and said the same thing, I just don't know, I had already tried Thursday, so I just don't know anymore, at that point in time (meeting) I was in control, but I could not guarantee anything, something they (two of them) also confirmed. Would I want to be in hospital, well yes and no, yes, as I would feel I had support on tap, no, as the people in their may make me worse, but I could lock myself away.

You say rational mind, well I thought I was being rational on Thursday when I attempted it and then disappeared for 5 hours, seemed completely normal to me. When I wrote the last post I was on the edge again not thinking straight, but I was at home had no way of acting on anything (well apart from finding some screwdrivers and trying to - not very successfully - harm with those, so just took diazpam knowing that in 30 minutes I would be escaping it all and be asleep. The trouble is, I am now having too take more and more diazapam to have any effect, so really need to cut that one back, not because I worried about addiction but more their affect.

So here we are, Monday, my next goal is to get to the end of Wednesday (Gp's appointment - god knows what I think he can do for me).

At present still want out, out of this fear and depression, how that happens not really bothered, one thing I do "think" I know is that I am now sure I am capable of doing it - is that scary not at all, quite opposite and quite a comfort - will I do it, well see above, I just don't know).

You mention Temporary state of mind, well I agree, the problem I have is that Temporary comes around again and again, each time getting worse, so I have nothing to look forward too as the next wave is certain to follow even if I make it through this one.

[sambomonkee]

Even though at work was having a bad day until I thought I would expand on the somatic thing I mentioned earlier (yes I had relapsed as was googling, which we all know where that leads), well it was actually Somatization disorder, and once I read it it, it was like a electric shock, it was describing my life to a tee. Have a read

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somatization_disorder

Its very rare, which I see surprising from scanning the forums here, but my god it explains me to the letter.

So, I have recurring (severe) depression disorder brought on by Somatization disorder, all just names but the point being I'm not making it up, its all real :)

This has helped in a small way in that at least I have something that's been seen before and dealt with before, so knowing that, I just need to get past this bit, I stand a chance.

I hope this positively stays with me that is for sure, I have managed to raise my mood scale for 3 to a 4 which is good considering the last few weeks.

[AuntieMoosie]

Hi there,

Thank you for the link about Somatization disorder as I'd never heard of it before and it's interesting reading about it.

I do understand what you're saying about a temporary state of mind and how things get stronger each time they come up.

This is what I call "the danger zone" I don't know what the medics call it, but that's my version anyway.

I call it that because when you get sudden urges you literally do enter "the danger zone" as it's at that point that you find out whether you can resist the urge or not.

I can understand what you're saying when you say that you were thinking rationally when you were wanting out, but I too, felt like I was being rational, I was even trying to convince people that this was the right thing for me to do, it sounded very clear and precise to me, but honestly, please trust me when I say that you really are not thinking rationally at that point no matter how much your mind tries to convince you that you are.

Your mind is telling you big fat lies because of your depressed state, it's telling you things would be better if you did that, but it wont!!! and it's not true!!!


Hopefully your doctor will be able to give you something a little more helpful as opposed to the diazepam, which as you've rightly said, you have to keep going up doses in order to get the same effect, which, in turn, leads to addiction which you really don't want or need right now.

When I was in hospital and even now, I take what is called an "anti-psychotic" don't let that label put you off as it does not mean that you're psychotic at all, but these drugs are also very helpful for people having a depressive episode or those that suffer with anxiety. They are only used in the very low doses for this type of treatment and I have always found them helpful.

I have been on Olanzapine and now I'm on slow release Quetiapine, these will work in conjunction with your anti-depressant medication and the big plus is that they are not addictive and you don't need to keep increasing the dosage.
They're not too heavy either, I don't like feeling like I'm walking around like some sort of zombie which tranquilisers often have you feeling.

Have a read online about them and see what you think, but don't let all the so called side effects put you off, I've never had any problems with them at all.

I'm glad that you feel that your mood has gone from 3 to 4, that's really good as the higher it goes the better you will feel.

Just remember what I've said about keeping yourself safe, and shout for help the minute you think that you cant, you don't deserve to die, nobody does, you deserve to have your life and be happy, which you will be :)

[sambomonkee]

Thanks "Mossie", I relate to that danger zone thing, that's a great way of describing it, whats bad about it though, is your not in control, so you just got to hope someone stops you, or the "real" you can grab a little bit of control back.

I see Pregablin (I think that's it), is meant to be good for somatic disorders, I don't want to push the GP, but should I ask about it, only in the short term until hopefully the CBT kicks in.

One of the issues with SD thing I have is apparently we find it hard to describe emotions or feelings, something I have known for years but did not understand - or care why. I have always described myself has having no emotions, not sad, not happy, just nothing.

An example of many, when I was about 15, our pet dog died, unlike everybody else in the house - crying - I was was more miffed about the fact they where crying and upsetting my routine, I just wanted it all to get back to normal, I felt no other emotion what so ever. This has been the story throughout my life, on many many occasions. I suppose the worst was when my wife's Mother died, quite suddenly, the funeral seemed almost fun to me, felt quite wired up, jittery, never felt sad, even to this day feel nothing about it all, its like it never happened, obviously people really would not get me if I say that out loud.

The funny thing was that the Crisis team asked me to say why I thought it was a 3 not a 2 or 4, the question went over my head, all I could say was it felt like a 3, he said why does it feel better than a 2, "because it does!!". I have no concept of trying to describe emotions or feelings, is all foreign to me, still two days after that question have no idea how to describe a 3, it just is.

Crisis team have closed the case on me!!! Its so strange the differences between counties, I have seen people on here be committed for less, yet 4 days after an attempt on my life I'm discharged back to the GP (which is tomorrow).

I'm not sure if I have had good care or not, do feel a little passed from pillar to post.

[Speranza]

Hi,
it sounds as though you have a GP who will listen and spend time with you; tell them exactly what you've said to us about feeling passed around.

The whole point of this forum is that none of us has to feel alone when we get these days. Because we aren't. Nobody is being punished, or being sinful - it is just a manifestation of something as real as a broken leg. You wouldn't decide suicide was the rational way to deal with a broken leg, and it isn't the rational way to deal with feeling like you have a broken life. Auntie Moosie is so very right, hang in there my love and you will see. Just keep reaching out as you are doing so bravely right now.

[AuntieMoosie]

Beautiful post by Speranza and I fully agree with her :)


It's strange about how we all feel or don't feel emotions really.

I think I have 2 theories on this

1) Either you found some emotions in your childhood too painful to cope with, so you just learned to "not" feel them......or

2) You could well have been depressed for a long while because the one thing that depression does is to numb your emotions, you really don't feel anything apart from a huge void and emptiness.


Maybe when you're feeling a lot better it could well be beneficial for you to have some psychotherapy, it is really helpful as you can really go back and get to know yourself properly and work out how and why you learned different behaviors and then you can educate yourself on recognising the problem and managing it.

Psychotherapy is hard work and can be very emotionally draining, so you really need to be feeling a lot better before you try it. It worked wonders with me, I had 4 years of it, 3 years being one to one and the 4th year in a group, but it's the best thing I've ever done in my life and it turned my life around completely :)

With regards to medication, I think it's fine to discuss anything with your GP, it's good that you're researching things for yourself, they may not agree with you, but they certainly wouldn't hold it against you, in fact I think they'd be quite pleased that you're trying to help yourself, it's a very positive thing to do.

It's a bit difficult for me to comment really on your treatment and how your case has been dealt with as I'm not in any way qualified to do so. But I think perhaps you're right in that different areas probably do different things. I really have no idea what criteria they use when assessing patients.

Because you've been discharged from the crisis team back to your GP doesn't mean that your help and support should stop because it shouldn't. I expect what the crisis team think is that you don't need full on crises care now but that's not to say that you don't need further help and support.

So the thing to do is to discuss this all with your GP and if you feel that you do still need further help and support, ask them if they can please refer you on to your local Mental Health Team, you will have to have another assessment with them and then they would be able to tell you whether they can help, and if so, with what :)

I hope you have a positive appointment with your GP tomorrow, do tell them everything about you and how you're feeling and please do come back and let us know how you got on :)

[AuntieMoosie]

Just checking in to see how you got on today?? :)

[sambomonkee]

Hi

Went OK, has put my Mirt up to 45mg (no real hope of that working - but worth a try - it did knock me out a bit last night), I have another review next week, he made the point that the medication is just a crutch (Ie like a broken leg, it helps you get about, but your leg is still broken and painful etc) and that in times of crisis it makes no difference whats so ever, something I'm all too aware of.

CBT/mindfulness is too go ahead after my appraisal last week, but they are just waiting for this crisis to be over, as I'll be no good in this state.

He did say, even though the crisis team have closed the case I can still call them (well anybody can if they spot the signs) and also said if it happens again I need to call him as well.

What I find frustrating about these encounters, is

1:- Repeating the story over and over again - at least my GP is aware of the back story
2:- That whilst talking to people (medical professionals) I feel lifted, I believe its because I feel something is being done, for it a few hours later to crash. (He did make the point that even though I'm not seeing people that they are still working on the issue, but with anything mind related its always a waiting game)

So from then to about 1 hour ago I was doing OK, and then out of the blue a slight trigger and it falls back again, not to the desperate state as before but, just back to my 3, annoyingly I left the diazapram at home, so cannot even use that.

So my next aim is to survive until next Thursday, but in between is a weekend which is normally where the trouble comes. Just writing this, I can feel that "danger zone" looming, I just have to stay out of it anyhow.

PS, it did not escape me that this time last week, I had almost killed myself, that is a very strange feeling indeed.

[AuntieMoosie]

Thank you for letting us know how you got on, I have been thinking of you.

Well it sounds pretty good to me so far. Your GP seems to be pretty understanding and willing to help you which is always a lovely thing in this day and age.

So we've got to keep you positive and going strong till next Thursday.

So, with the weekends being your worse, how can you make it so it is easier for you???

Are you with your wife at the weekend?? If so, could you possibly go out and do something together??

Do you have any hobbies at all??

Sorry, I don't mean to keep hitting you with endless questions, but I'm just thinking that if we could get your mind somehow occupied over the weekend, it will make things easier for you and other thoughts wont be able to get through so easily.

It's all about distraction really and keeping your mind busy with positive things.

I really do hope that your Mirt going up to 45mgs will eventually help, as you say it's worth a shot anyway.

I agree that your CBT/Mindfulness needs to be put on hold for now just till you regain a little strength and your thinking and concentration is better

So whenever you feel that you're heading for "the danger zone" the first thing to tell yourself is to "STOP" imagine a red traffic light, I know it may sound silly, but it works, I've done it myself.

Then get yourself completely distracted, your mind wont want too and you may find it hard at first but distraction is the key, it doesn't matter what you do, so long as it's safe of course, just distract yourself immediately.

Try not to let the thought panic you.......remember it's only a thought and it will pass like it has done before.

Now if you find that "the danger zone" thoughts and urges are becoming overwhelming you MUST immediately tell someone, it doesn't matter who but you must tell someone, phone the crisis team if you need too, sometimes just a little chat with someone will bring you out of it and remember to use your diazepam if you need too.

So have a think about what you might do over the weekend, make it positive, the weekends aren't always going to be hard for you cos you have the power to change them and make them different.

Lastly about your last point, god I was so good at doing this myself.......the "this time yesterday, last week, last year, last decade......"!!!! lol

Don't look backwards in time...........always look forwards........the past is what it says it is.......you can't change it.......so just leave it there......but you can plan for the future and you can enjoy the moment that you're in :)

Keep going, you're doing great, I shall be on here at the weekend so if you hit a dodgy spell just shout okay :)

[Daisy Sue]

I just wanted to say, don't ever think there's no hope, or that you've reached the end of your road. Your opening post reminded me immediately of a very sad, in fact heartbreaking, poem I wrote when I was in my worst phase of anxiety/panic attacks.

Reading it now, it shocks me to remember just how low I felt, and how alone... but here I am years later, I can't tell you how many 100%s better than I was back then - and very glad I didn't do what my sadness was telling me to.

Hang on in there, take one day at a time - you have all the right people in your life now, knowing what you're going through, and they'll get you right. And we're all here too, rooting for you..

[sambomonkee]

Thanks for the reply's.

So, with the weekends being your worse, how can you make it so it is easier for you???

Keep busy, but easier said than done


Are you with your wife at the weekend?? If so, could you possibly go out and do something together??

Yes, but my mind will be elsewhere

Do you have any hobbies at all??

Yes, but I have zero motivation to do them, and either way my mind will soon wonder


Bad, bad day today, I have had another trigger this morning and some bad news last night about my Nan (I feel that has been suppressed again though - my stuff fills my brain so no room for anything else), that has sent me overboard, if I wrote these triggers down, most people would say its nothing, but to me they are fact, real, I hate it, really hate it.

Do I feel I need the Crisis Team or GP (not there anyway today - typical, and we had a rye smile about that on Wednesday), hmm its a close one, do I have the motivation or will power to use them, again, doubt it, I can feel it, the fear the terror, its there again, oh god just to feel slightly normal again, please!

I will let my wife know, but there's nothing anybody can do, its a case of riding the storm, forgot the damn diazapram again, don't want to go home, don't want to be here, how the hell do you solve that one?

I will leave it a few hours and then "try" and make a rational decision.


Don't look backwards in time...........always look forwards........the past is what it says it is.......you can't change it.......so just leave it there......but you can plan for the future and you can enjoy the moment that you're in

Just re-read that again, and that's the problem, the future is one thing that terrifies me, its the what ifs, the past I am (well I think I am) comfortable with. People are aware of my state at the moment, managed that much.

[AuntieMoosie]

Sue thank you for your input hun :)

It really is amazing isn't it when we look back and remember that awful place, I still do and wonder how on earth I got out of it, but you do and you can, and that's the most important thing to remember. It's a transient state that cannot last and it will pass given time.

I'm not good at all at writing poetry, wish I was, but when I went into hospital, and art therapist asked to see me and we went into the art room and because I was finding it really difficult to talk and make sense of what I was trying to explain, she gave me a piece of plain paper and just told me to paint how I felt using whatever colours I wanted.

I painted a pink "me" in the bottom corner surrounded by huge great rocks and the background I painted a mish mash of all sorts of colours rolled into one, like a weird storm scene or something.

She had a look at she interpratated it really well, I was at the bottom as that is how low I felt, I was really small because I felt swamped by the world, I was trapped behind the huge rocks that I knew I'd have to climb to get out and the rest of the world was just all messed up in my mind, hence all the colours.

I can still vividly remember that picture even now but the really good thing is that if I painted a picture now, it would be very different with all nice things and happiness all around :)




Sambo yes I understand what you mean when you say that your mind will just wonder, mine did to start with, but you just have to keep doing what you're doing, it doesn't matter if you have to stop for a minute, just so long as you can get back to it. Just give it a little try and see how you go.

The future is only frightening you at the moment because all you can see is the depression that you're currently in, it would frighten anyone if they thought that the future was going to be like that, but it isn't.........I promise you, depression has to pass, even in the olden days many, many years ago, a depressive episode passed, even without medication, because all they could do back then was to heavily sedate you, there were no antidepressants, my psychiatrist told me that they would just wait until the episode came to a natural end and it did :)

The problem you're having now is that your depression hasn't started lifting just yet and that will effect how and what you think but hopefully your medication will really start doing it's stuff and little by little you will notice your mood changing and all of that blackness and nothingness that you're feeling now, will start to go and your world and life will look different.

May I just ask you why it is that you don't want to be at home?? Is there something that's making you unhappy or anxious there?? That does sound like that needs to be tackled, because we should all feel safe, secure and happy in our own homes, indeed, normally if we're not well, home is where we'd prefer to be. I guess you can tackle that when you start having your therapy.

As I've said, I will be around at the weekend as will many others here so if you need to talk, rant, rave, whatever, there is always someone here to listen, you've no need to feel on your own, there are many on here that have been where you are.

Just remember your safety rules please, you do not really want to die, none of us do really, what you're looking for is relief from the suffering and unfortunately with depression and the low mood, we very wrongly think that death is the way to go but IT IS NOT and it never will be. We can get better, we do get better and YOU WILL GET BETTER. :)

[sambomonkee]

A bit of an update, this week has been a struggle, many occasions felt suicidal, but not actively , my triggers for the anxiety seemed to get worse so I spiralled a little bit, plenty of Dr Google, even wasted money on a Coeliac testing kit.

Anyway, had another medication review (Mirtazipine 45mg), which is doing absolutely nothing for me in fact I think it makes the anxiety worse!

Anyway, there was talk of referring me back to the Crisis team, but I was against that, as all they do is go through the story - yet again - and then say phone this number if you need us, not sure what they really offer to be honest, crisis teams are only good if you on the bridge or in the act, I'm in that space between services.

GP, said that he would get in touch with the Doctor (its a different team to the crisis team - yes I am currently being passed between 4 departments) that saw me the first time to review me yet again.

He said he has seen people worse than me (good god, poor poor people), get better.

He also was going to push the CBT seasons on abit as that has gone quiet, so other than him trying to reassure me with my health anxiety triggers which helps, its as case of lets see what that try next.

One thing that stuck in my mind is he asked, when you first wake up for a few seconds do you feel normal, and yes is the answer to that, for about 5 seconds it all feels OK, then the brain goes into mad mode, body goes in panic mode for the rest of the day, I wonder why he was asking, I'm intrigued.

I could tell he was getting a bit nervous of my Diazpram usage as 4mg in one go is not touching me, he said it was OK at the moment, but less is always better, he didn't want me getting near the 10mg though.

[Pipkin]

One thing that stuck in my mind is he asked, when you first wake up for a few seconds do you feel normal, and yes is the answer to that, for about 5 seconds it all feels OK, then the brain goes into mad mode, body goes in panic mode for the rest of the day, I wonder why he was asking, I'm intrigued.

It's a way of gauging if it is indeed anxiety causing your symptoms and not, for example, coeliac disease (as I'm sure Dr. Google has been telling you). You don't feel anxious first thing until your brain remembers to make you feel anxious because that's what you're expecting.

Pip

[Eyji1]

You are free. You really are.

[sambomonkee]

So, just got back from the Mental health team at the hospital. They think I'm not well, which really is a surprise to me, yes I know I have done silly things, but really don't feel like there's that much wrong. (That said, the people in the waiting room all looked normal as well too me aswell)

Anyway, I am now under their wing long term, I will have my own care coordinator, and have now got a cocktail of drugs to take

45mg Mirtazipine
2mg Diazapam (Not when I need it, but more constant usage)
2mg Risperidone - only 7 days worth, due to overdose risk (I owned up to planning that one)

I have also been admitted to the day hospital, and will have to (well its up to me), spend a day there a week doing various therapies.

I also have another meeting Friday, they did mention that they wanted to do a blood test, which sent me over the edge there in front of them, so they got to see me breakdown there and then. They tried to put me at ease about it, but my mind was already off on one, arghhh, must resist the urge to google the reasons behind that, but I know it means they want look at physical causes as well, really wasn't what my mind needed.

They said they would put that on hold, but I guess they are not going to give up.

They did asked the classic "what do you expect from us", I said I didn't care, or have any feelings about it anyway, they said why did you come, what was you reasoning to come here? I said because I had the appointment simple as that - that doesn't come across well in words but it makes perfect sense in my head.

[sambomonkee]

Well short note as im now the hosptial, a little unnerving but I seem to be the weirdest one here, you would never guess the people here are ill, just goes to show anybody can be inflicted it doesnt matter your background.

Also been banned from driving due to the medication so now having to be picked up by ambulance, which seems mad to me. Im allowed home evenings and weekends.

Its all abit much at the moment, but its nice not having too act normal anymore.

[ElizabethJane]

I'm glad that you are getting help in hospital. Are you a day patient if you can come home at night? If there is a bed for you it is the best place if you are suicidal. I hope things work out for you and I hope you feel better soon.EJ

[AuntieMoosie]

Hi there,

Well I have to agree with what you've been told, you certainly are not well, that's meant in the nicest possible way :)

As I said before, if you've reached the stage that you're having suicidal thoughts that's a sure indication that you are having a depressive episode.

Like EJ has said, I think you're in the best possible care now, they will be able to keep you safe and get you well again :)

Please keep us updated and I wish you a speedy recovery :)

[sambomonkee]

Yes I'm a day patient, this is what I was asked !! "your ARE staying today aren't you, and for the next week, we will review you later next week to see if a discharge is allowed". I have the feeling Im in for the long haul from the way they were speaking. Basically I'm here so that can keep an eye on me and do therapies, though it does really feel like I have gone back to school, the door is not locked, but they check on you every hour to make sure you still there.

The good thing about a day patient is that I get to sleep in my own bed which takes alot of the stress off. I'm not happy about being told a can no longer drive and really not pleased about being picked up in an ambulance to be taken to the hospital, but again I had no choice in that matter.

All the staff seem nice, you do feel like you are being "nannied" abit though, the other patients all seem nice, most seem to have OCD, anxiety such issues, there appears to be just me and a young girl from my town (awkward), that are suffering depression based issues, so me and her a bundle of fun of the group (about 10 patients - I thought there would be alot more than this)

It is all abit surreal at the moment, its hard to get my head around that I have to be in this place, but then I also thought that I do not have to pretend to be normal whilst im in there which is abit of a relief.

The Risperidon, appears to be taking the edge off the anxieties and I seem to be able to control my thoughts a little easier, which is a weird feeling as I have had no control over them for so long, but still completely emotionless and still want to self harm and have diminished suicidal thoughts, but not in the same place I was when I started this thread, I would guess saying that is good, but I have since I have no feelings, its more meh.

[sambomonkee]

...so, yesterday, I was discharged from hospital, and after reading back the first post I cannot believe I am the same person!!

I didn't believe anybody when they said it will or can get better, not one jot, but four weeks on, with the help of the drug cocktail and the intensive therapy in hospital, I feel I have turned the corner :)

These still a way to go, but I am currently no longer a danger to myself :), and now find those actions and thoughts very surreal and more like a very very bad nightmare.

Lesson to anybody who is feeling suicidal or attempted it, trust me, I'm living proof that seeking help can save your life, if I had not gone to that first appointment with the Docs, like I thought was not needed (Ie I thought attempting suicide was normal :scared15:), I doubt I would have finished this thread.

Don't be scared to shout for help there are people in the NHS that really do care, and really want to help you, what ever your mind is telling you its just not true, things can be better.

So, I'm still aware that things could turn on me, but I have this little post to show myself, hey look it worked before it will work again, but in the mean time 2013 starts here for me, yeah.

[AuntieMoosie]

Oh this is fantastic news :D

I understand exactly what you're saying. When I recovered, I was so shocked to realize how close I'd been to loosing my life, and even more shocked that I'd ever thought such things, but this is the power of depression, you start believing those thoughts and not believing what others are telling you.

That is why I always tell people that they don't really want to die, it's the depression doing all of that, it's not really them.

I'm so glad that you are much better now, take recovery slowly, have plenty of rest and sleep and eat healthy as these things will also aid your recovery.

Thank you so much for coming back in to let us know that you're now doing fine :)

[sambomonkee]

I thought I would revisit this and do an update on whats happened since leaving the hospital.

The reason for being a little quiet on here was that things turned for the worse again and I did not want to face it, or have to retrack on here.

Basically I took an overdose about 3 weeks ago, and then when that didn't work, I found a drug dealer and bought enough of the drug to make sure it worked this time, seem sensible thing to do at the time, but I can see now it was a little extreme (although still have not ruled out the chances of buying more in the future)

Anyway, I owned up to the CPN and doctor and they made me give them up, which at the time was a hard thing for me to do, but probably the right one in the long run. I still suffer from impulsive suicide attempts, again not last Thursday when after a very down meeting with my GP, I decided to cut my wrists :scared15:, I was dragged in front of my CPN who rambled on about stuff and then sent me on my way, was very disillusioned and frustrated with the whole system..but I suspose they can't click a their fingers and all is well again. Whilst all this has been going on I have also been self harming regularly, something the CPN doesn't seem to care about even though some I have done should of have stitches (I don't want to waste A&E's time)

In the mean time I got accepted on a super rare Art Therapy course, and I mean rare, you have to have the right entry requirements and be around at the right time, only 4 people are allowed on it at a time and it runs for 12 weeks (3 months), so you can see how rare it is to get accepted. I have found it super uncomfortable doing it, what you have to realise is that the art is almost a by product the bulk of it it is group therapy in a group of around 4 people with the art being the catalyst to talk about some tricky things, this as you can see is very hard opening up in front of complete strangers. So far I have not opened up too much and am very guarded in what I say, I'm not sure I want to go through some of my demons with these people, time will tell.