bumbu
07-08-13, 18:44
I'm sorry about the long story but I feel like I need to put everything into words,
I've been depressed for months now. A couple of months ago I decided to go to my GP and tell him about it. He said he would refer me to a psychotherapist and I was to wait to hear from them.
I read that it could take months or even years to see a therapist on the NHS so I was surprised to get a call from someone just a couple of weeks later, asking about what exactly was wrong. I told them that I'd been feeling depressed and been getting upset very easily, going into despair over the smallest things.
A few days later they called me again and made an appointment. I saw the therapist once, and because we had less than an hour (i was late) we didn't make much progress, we talked a little but it seemed just to be an introductory visit.
My next appointment was cancelled as the therapist was on holiday, and then I went on holiday and I haven't seen him since then. During this time my depression has continued, after an argument with my boyfriend (I can't even remember what it was about) I cut myself with a razor blade on my hip bone, but the cut healed a couple of days later and I didn't really think anything of it.
Then last Saturday I couldn't sleep. This has happened a few times before where I'm tired but just can't go to sleep, which is really frustrating. I felt frustrated and trapped, and really lonely. I went into a despair and eventually I cut myself on the forearm, facing out, with a butter knife.
It calmed me down and momentarily made me feel better but the knife wasn't very sharp so the cuts were quite wide. I knew they would scar, and almost instantly regretted what I did :( I've never done something so stupid, I've never cut myself somewhere so visible.
The first thing I thought of was my mum, she's in Montenegro at the moment, which is where she's originally from, staying with her family, and I'm going to stay there with her on Sunday. It's a hot country so I won't be able to avoid showing my arm eventually, and when she sees the cuts she's going to be so upset and worried. 2 years ago I went through a really bad time where I was cutting myself a lot. I was at a stupid age, and looking back I can see how much it hurt my mum to see me do that to myself, and I feel awful about it.
My mum and I occasionally argue and when we do she follows me and corners me and doesn't let me be on my own to calm down, which always makes the argument even worse. She says she does this because she's so scared I'm going to cut myself again, and I always reassure her that I won't. I'm dreading going to Montenegro now and letting her see my arm.
Anyway, I didn't sleep at all that night, and the following day I was very tired, trying to stay awake so that I could get a good night's sleep that night. But when I went to bed and tried to sleep I just couldn't. I knew how tired I was but I just couldn't sleep. I was trying to watch TV to distract myself but I kept thinking about the cuts on my arm and how upset my mum is gonna be when she sees them. I self harmed a lot two years ago, then gradually it only became a very occassional thing, I would sometimes scratch my arms with my fingernails or hit myself in anger but that was it.
As I was thinking about this , I sort of came to a realisation of the seriousness of what was happening, how I was cutting myself again and how it was going to be like it was years ago, and I remembered how bad it was, I hadn't really thought about it or even remembered it up til then but now I remembered and I didn't want it to happen again but it was happening. Suddenly I felt very out of control, my heart started beating faster and I started hyperventilating. Suddenly I was scared I was going to kill myself.
I want to make it clear that I have no desire to kill myself and didn't at that point either. I didn't want to die, and I was terrified that I would. I thought I would suddenly lose control and commit suicide and then it would be too late. I felt terrified, I was more scared than I've ever been in my life. I called the Samaritans and told them I was scared. I could hear my own voice and it didn't sound like me, it sounded crazy. The woman from Samaritans spoke to me calmly. She didn't make me calm down but it was good to talk to someone. Then I told her I needed to try and call my boyfriend and said goodbye to her.
I called my boyfriend and told him how scared I was and I think he must have heard the change in my voice because he said he would come over. He didn't panic and he handled it really well. I knew it would take him a while to come over. I kept trying to think of reasons not to kill myself, silly things, like, I have plans tomorrow to see my friends, I can't die, my plane ticket is booked for Montenegro, I can't die because everyone will be upset, I can't die, I'm supposed to go to uni next year. I was trying to think happy thoughts, I tried watching the Simpsons to distract me, but nothing was working, I was so terrified that I was going to die. I didn't feel safe, I almost called an ambulance just because I wanted someone to keep me safe and stop me hurting myself. I really didn't want to die, I've never been so scared in my life, it was a feeling of sheer terror and panic.
When my boyfriend arrived I felt a bit calmer, but my heart was still beating really fast and I still couldn't breathe normally. I managed to fall asleep with him there, my body must have been so exhausted.
This was three days ago, and since then I've been feeling very anxious, and yesterday I went to see my GP. I was going to see him anyway to see if he could help with the scars, but I told him everything, about the cutting , about the panic attack. He was really kind, he gave me some crisis numbers to call if I feel like I'm in danger, he prescribed me diazepam and told me to take one if I have another panic attack. He said to come back and see him after my holiday and tell him how things have been going. He also said I may have to see a psychiatrist as well when I get back.
As for the psychotherapist who I saw once, I had a letter from the hospital about an appointment which I missed as I didn't get the letter until I came back from holiday, so I called up the hospital hoping to make another appointment. The man on the phone said he would pass my message on to the therapist and he would be in touch with me. I haven't heard from him yet. I was hoping to see him before I go off on holiday as I'll be away for quite a while, 2 and a half weeks. I'm leaving in 4 days.
I was just writing this in hopes that someone might have any advice, or have had similar experiences. I've tried to find other stories of people who have been afraid of killing themselves without the actual wish to die, but I couldn't find anything. and partly I think it's good to write all this down and organize my thoughts.
I want to get better, I really do, not just for me but for the people around me who I'm hurting. I thought I would get better but I feel like I'm getting worse.
Just once more, I want to make it clear that I have no desire to commit suicide. I don't want to die. I was scared of killing myself because I felt like I'd lost control.
A few questions as well:
-The GP said I will probably have to see a psychiatrist in addition to a psychotherapist. Can anyone tell me the difference between the two? Cause I'm not sure.
-The crisis numbers he gave me were for the "mental health team". What exactly are they, and what will they do if I call them?
-does anyone have any suggestions for hiding my arm from my mum or covering the cuts? I thought of buying a thin shirt to wear, but I have a feeling I'll have to show my arm eventually :(
Thanks so much :)
I've been depressed for months now. A couple of months ago I decided to go to my GP and tell him about it. He said he would refer me to a psychotherapist and I was to wait to hear from them.
I read that it could take months or even years to see a therapist on the NHS so I was surprised to get a call from someone just a couple of weeks later, asking about what exactly was wrong. I told them that I'd been feeling depressed and been getting upset very easily, going into despair over the smallest things.
A few days later they called me again and made an appointment. I saw the therapist once, and because we had less than an hour (i was late) we didn't make much progress, we talked a little but it seemed just to be an introductory visit.
My next appointment was cancelled as the therapist was on holiday, and then I went on holiday and I haven't seen him since then. During this time my depression has continued, after an argument with my boyfriend (I can't even remember what it was about) I cut myself with a razor blade on my hip bone, but the cut healed a couple of days later and I didn't really think anything of it.
Then last Saturday I couldn't sleep. This has happened a few times before where I'm tired but just can't go to sleep, which is really frustrating. I felt frustrated and trapped, and really lonely. I went into a despair and eventually I cut myself on the forearm, facing out, with a butter knife.
It calmed me down and momentarily made me feel better but the knife wasn't very sharp so the cuts were quite wide. I knew they would scar, and almost instantly regretted what I did :( I've never done something so stupid, I've never cut myself somewhere so visible.
The first thing I thought of was my mum, she's in Montenegro at the moment, which is where she's originally from, staying with her family, and I'm going to stay there with her on Sunday. It's a hot country so I won't be able to avoid showing my arm eventually, and when she sees the cuts she's going to be so upset and worried. 2 years ago I went through a really bad time where I was cutting myself a lot. I was at a stupid age, and looking back I can see how much it hurt my mum to see me do that to myself, and I feel awful about it.
My mum and I occasionally argue and when we do she follows me and corners me and doesn't let me be on my own to calm down, which always makes the argument even worse. She says she does this because she's so scared I'm going to cut myself again, and I always reassure her that I won't. I'm dreading going to Montenegro now and letting her see my arm.
Anyway, I didn't sleep at all that night, and the following day I was very tired, trying to stay awake so that I could get a good night's sleep that night. But when I went to bed and tried to sleep I just couldn't. I knew how tired I was but I just couldn't sleep. I was trying to watch TV to distract myself but I kept thinking about the cuts on my arm and how upset my mum is gonna be when she sees them. I self harmed a lot two years ago, then gradually it only became a very occassional thing, I would sometimes scratch my arms with my fingernails or hit myself in anger but that was it.
As I was thinking about this , I sort of came to a realisation of the seriousness of what was happening, how I was cutting myself again and how it was going to be like it was years ago, and I remembered how bad it was, I hadn't really thought about it or even remembered it up til then but now I remembered and I didn't want it to happen again but it was happening. Suddenly I felt very out of control, my heart started beating faster and I started hyperventilating. Suddenly I was scared I was going to kill myself.
I want to make it clear that I have no desire to kill myself and didn't at that point either. I didn't want to die, and I was terrified that I would. I thought I would suddenly lose control and commit suicide and then it would be too late. I felt terrified, I was more scared than I've ever been in my life. I called the Samaritans and told them I was scared. I could hear my own voice and it didn't sound like me, it sounded crazy. The woman from Samaritans spoke to me calmly. She didn't make me calm down but it was good to talk to someone. Then I told her I needed to try and call my boyfriend and said goodbye to her.
I called my boyfriend and told him how scared I was and I think he must have heard the change in my voice because he said he would come over. He didn't panic and he handled it really well. I knew it would take him a while to come over. I kept trying to think of reasons not to kill myself, silly things, like, I have plans tomorrow to see my friends, I can't die, my plane ticket is booked for Montenegro, I can't die because everyone will be upset, I can't die, I'm supposed to go to uni next year. I was trying to think happy thoughts, I tried watching the Simpsons to distract me, but nothing was working, I was so terrified that I was going to die. I didn't feel safe, I almost called an ambulance just because I wanted someone to keep me safe and stop me hurting myself. I really didn't want to die, I've never been so scared in my life, it was a feeling of sheer terror and panic.
When my boyfriend arrived I felt a bit calmer, but my heart was still beating really fast and I still couldn't breathe normally. I managed to fall asleep with him there, my body must have been so exhausted.
This was three days ago, and since then I've been feeling very anxious, and yesterday I went to see my GP. I was going to see him anyway to see if he could help with the scars, but I told him everything, about the cutting , about the panic attack. He was really kind, he gave me some crisis numbers to call if I feel like I'm in danger, he prescribed me diazepam and told me to take one if I have another panic attack. He said to come back and see him after my holiday and tell him how things have been going. He also said I may have to see a psychiatrist as well when I get back.
As for the psychotherapist who I saw once, I had a letter from the hospital about an appointment which I missed as I didn't get the letter until I came back from holiday, so I called up the hospital hoping to make another appointment. The man on the phone said he would pass my message on to the therapist and he would be in touch with me. I haven't heard from him yet. I was hoping to see him before I go off on holiday as I'll be away for quite a while, 2 and a half weeks. I'm leaving in 4 days.
I was just writing this in hopes that someone might have any advice, or have had similar experiences. I've tried to find other stories of people who have been afraid of killing themselves without the actual wish to die, but I couldn't find anything. and partly I think it's good to write all this down and organize my thoughts.
I want to get better, I really do, not just for me but for the people around me who I'm hurting. I thought I would get better but I feel like I'm getting worse.
Just once more, I want to make it clear that I have no desire to commit suicide. I don't want to die. I was scared of killing myself because I felt like I'd lost control.
A few questions as well:
-The GP said I will probably have to see a psychiatrist in addition to a psychotherapist. Can anyone tell me the difference between the two? Cause I'm not sure.
-The crisis numbers he gave me were for the "mental health team". What exactly are they, and what will they do if I call them?
-does anyone have any suggestions for hiding my arm from my mum or covering the cuts? I thought of buying a thin shirt to wear, but I have a feeling I'll have to show my arm eventually :(
Thanks so much :)