MrsStobe13
09-08-13, 15:35
Hi folks,
This is a bit of a strange one and it's a thought that has come about as I tackle my OCD. If you've read my posts, you may well be aware I've got a partial diagnosis at current which I plan to pursue for the sakes of my health records. However, one of the things that's got me thinking is just how long have I had OCD?
To give you some background, when I was young (4 or 5) I had a dream that I was stuck in a car while my parents were talking. Unexpectedly, the car started up and drove off with me trapped inside. After that I would not watch things like Herbie or Brum as it provoked the thought. Also, if my Dad had me in the car and he went to get fuel he would have to take me into the garage with him. I would bounce around the car and pull at the locks if he didn't. There were a few occasions I got so anxious I'd wind down the window and climb out then run across the forecourt to be with him.
At about 6 I started to get very attached to people. I used to stay at my Granparents house on a Saturday and sometimes I'd cry because I wanted to go home. It wasn't as such separation anxiety, I'd imagine my parents' house being broken into and my parents being killed. I'd imagine that I was strong enough to somehow be able to fight the attacker by being there, but I'd also have visualisations of seeing my family dead if I stayed. If my parents collected me, I'd imagine having a phonecall to say my granparents had died, so I'd want to stay. We had regular hour-long episodes of me not being able to decide if I wanted to go home or stay with my granparents. It also became a problem with friendships, too. I'd go to sleepovers and stay up crying. Usually it meant friends had to come to my house, I'd not attend sleepovers, or I'd actually sadly lose friends.
Roll on to when I was about 9 my parents used to go to a hoe-down with my granparents one evening per month, so we'd have a babysitter. I used to lay awake at night, crying, with mental visualisations of my parents dying in a car crash. I'd hear there screams, see the crash from an outside and back-seat perspective, everything. I'd be back and forth between my parents bedroom window and my bed watching, hoping and crying. Sometimes I'd smell my parents pillow so I could remember them.
At 12 it got worse and I started hoarding one of any sweet that someone had given me. I had a box on my shelf with one of every sweet. If my Dad brought me a tube of Smarties, my last orange one would be in there, if Nan gave me a humbug, that would go in there. Sometimes, if I went on a family holiday and I'd brought a stick of rock, I'd eat all but about an inch of it so I could remember what a great time we had. It used to drive my family nuts and if I'd not put a sweet in my box and my Mum found the last one in the packet, she'd laugh at it and ask me why I couldn't just eat it. I'd get really upset and go and put it in my box, then curl up on my bed to cry. I still couldn't be left at home to look after my brother either in case my parents were hit by a dangerous driver, or at least, as my brain thought.
At about 14 the health anxiety started. For about 8 years I was constantly "on the brink of death". If I had a pain in my arm it was a sign of a heart attack, a stomache ache was colon cancer or appendicitis and a headache was my hydrocephalus (borderline, non shunted, never been a problem!) or a brain tumour. I went through episodes of depersonalisation and derealisation and constantly asking people "have you ever felt.." or "you know that feeling when..". I HAD to know I wasn't about to die. Even now when my heart races a bit I'm sure it's a heart attack!
As a child/teenager I was painfully shy and yet very bright. School rules were in black and white to me. A school teacher once told my class nobody was to talk for the rest of the lesson. When asked a question by my teacher himself, I refused to answer. It led to him getting the headteacher to "override" the rule for me! if a teacher had written a comment in my workbook that said anything but "good" or "excellent" it was like a telling off to me. Even just a tick merely meant it was "just OK" and I felt as though I'd somehow failed. as for having a word I'd mispelled and had to re-write 5 times on the back page, that was like a death sentence!
My anxiety weaned off somewhat around 2005, around the time we started caring for my Nan. I guess I sort of put too much time into worrying about her. At the same time, I was new into my relationship and started obsessing over doing/saying things that hurt my partner. It wasn't until about 18 months ago that the harm thoughts kicked in and hey presto, now I'm trying to stay as far as possible from knives, cars and trains!
To date I've been very worried I am about to become a killer and I get very strong thoughts of killing my husband. I see myself emotionlessly attacking him with a knife or waking up in the morning to find I've already done it. I have to read at night so my eyes feel tired and heavy. If I just lay there, I won't sleep. The stupid thing is the more I write out how I feel and the more I read I can hear myself saying "you have OCD". Then I get to the old cliché (moreso with the harm OCD, where yes, it does feel so real, which I know many, many other OCD sufferers say!
My other more recent "flaw" is that I have to get everything done now. At the moment I'm in the middle of some redecorating and refurnishing. Yesterday I was working flat out from 7am-8pm. A painted a room, built two units, hung up two sets of curtains, cooked tea and done some housework. I can't do a little bit per day, It has to all be done as quickly as possible so it's tidy and I can relax. My husband is upset because there is some furniture in the lounge and it led to a bit of a tiff. Far from feeling like the stress and tension he said it was, it felt like a personal attack on me, as though he was criticising me for not doing enough while he worked.
Even as an adult, I don't have many friends. I have my family, my husband and my best friend. The others are associates of these people who I wouldn't speak to at any other time. I know people say getting out and about can help with OCD but I find I still obsess, regardless of what I do. I can even swim underwater (the calmest place of all, to me) and still obsess!
I'm not looking for reassurance or a diagnosis here, but I'm quite interested to hear from people who have had OCD since childhood. Have you had different fixated thoughts at different stages? If anything, I'm intrigued and, if this is OCD, actually quite relieved! My Mum always said I was autistic but from what I've read OCD would account for soo much! :-)
Thanks for reading folks
MrsS x
This is a bit of a strange one and it's a thought that has come about as I tackle my OCD. If you've read my posts, you may well be aware I've got a partial diagnosis at current which I plan to pursue for the sakes of my health records. However, one of the things that's got me thinking is just how long have I had OCD?
To give you some background, when I was young (4 or 5) I had a dream that I was stuck in a car while my parents were talking. Unexpectedly, the car started up and drove off with me trapped inside. After that I would not watch things like Herbie or Brum as it provoked the thought. Also, if my Dad had me in the car and he went to get fuel he would have to take me into the garage with him. I would bounce around the car and pull at the locks if he didn't. There were a few occasions I got so anxious I'd wind down the window and climb out then run across the forecourt to be with him.
At about 6 I started to get very attached to people. I used to stay at my Granparents house on a Saturday and sometimes I'd cry because I wanted to go home. It wasn't as such separation anxiety, I'd imagine my parents' house being broken into and my parents being killed. I'd imagine that I was strong enough to somehow be able to fight the attacker by being there, but I'd also have visualisations of seeing my family dead if I stayed. If my parents collected me, I'd imagine having a phonecall to say my granparents had died, so I'd want to stay. We had regular hour-long episodes of me not being able to decide if I wanted to go home or stay with my granparents. It also became a problem with friendships, too. I'd go to sleepovers and stay up crying. Usually it meant friends had to come to my house, I'd not attend sleepovers, or I'd actually sadly lose friends.
Roll on to when I was about 9 my parents used to go to a hoe-down with my granparents one evening per month, so we'd have a babysitter. I used to lay awake at night, crying, with mental visualisations of my parents dying in a car crash. I'd hear there screams, see the crash from an outside and back-seat perspective, everything. I'd be back and forth between my parents bedroom window and my bed watching, hoping and crying. Sometimes I'd smell my parents pillow so I could remember them.
At 12 it got worse and I started hoarding one of any sweet that someone had given me. I had a box on my shelf with one of every sweet. If my Dad brought me a tube of Smarties, my last orange one would be in there, if Nan gave me a humbug, that would go in there. Sometimes, if I went on a family holiday and I'd brought a stick of rock, I'd eat all but about an inch of it so I could remember what a great time we had. It used to drive my family nuts and if I'd not put a sweet in my box and my Mum found the last one in the packet, she'd laugh at it and ask me why I couldn't just eat it. I'd get really upset and go and put it in my box, then curl up on my bed to cry. I still couldn't be left at home to look after my brother either in case my parents were hit by a dangerous driver, or at least, as my brain thought.
At about 14 the health anxiety started. For about 8 years I was constantly "on the brink of death". If I had a pain in my arm it was a sign of a heart attack, a stomache ache was colon cancer or appendicitis and a headache was my hydrocephalus (borderline, non shunted, never been a problem!) or a brain tumour. I went through episodes of depersonalisation and derealisation and constantly asking people "have you ever felt.." or "you know that feeling when..". I HAD to know I wasn't about to die. Even now when my heart races a bit I'm sure it's a heart attack!
As a child/teenager I was painfully shy and yet very bright. School rules were in black and white to me. A school teacher once told my class nobody was to talk for the rest of the lesson. When asked a question by my teacher himself, I refused to answer. It led to him getting the headteacher to "override" the rule for me! if a teacher had written a comment in my workbook that said anything but "good" or "excellent" it was like a telling off to me. Even just a tick merely meant it was "just OK" and I felt as though I'd somehow failed. as for having a word I'd mispelled and had to re-write 5 times on the back page, that was like a death sentence!
My anxiety weaned off somewhat around 2005, around the time we started caring for my Nan. I guess I sort of put too much time into worrying about her. At the same time, I was new into my relationship and started obsessing over doing/saying things that hurt my partner. It wasn't until about 18 months ago that the harm thoughts kicked in and hey presto, now I'm trying to stay as far as possible from knives, cars and trains!
To date I've been very worried I am about to become a killer and I get very strong thoughts of killing my husband. I see myself emotionlessly attacking him with a knife or waking up in the morning to find I've already done it. I have to read at night so my eyes feel tired and heavy. If I just lay there, I won't sleep. The stupid thing is the more I write out how I feel and the more I read I can hear myself saying "you have OCD". Then I get to the old cliché (moreso with the harm OCD, where yes, it does feel so real, which I know many, many other OCD sufferers say!
My other more recent "flaw" is that I have to get everything done now. At the moment I'm in the middle of some redecorating and refurnishing. Yesterday I was working flat out from 7am-8pm. A painted a room, built two units, hung up two sets of curtains, cooked tea and done some housework. I can't do a little bit per day, It has to all be done as quickly as possible so it's tidy and I can relax. My husband is upset because there is some furniture in the lounge and it led to a bit of a tiff. Far from feeling like the stress and tension he said it was, it felt like a personal attack on me, as though he was criticising me for not doing enough while he worked.
Even as an adult, I don't have many friends. I have my family, my husband and my best friend. The others are associates of these people who I wouldn't speak to at any other time. I know people say getting out and about can help with OCD but I find I still obsess, regardless of what I do. I can even swim underwater (the calmest place of all, to me) and still obsess!
I'm not looking for reassurance or a diagnosis here, but I'm quite interested to hear from people who have had OCD since childhood. Have you had different fixated thoughts at different stages? If anything, I'm intrigued and, if this is OCD, actually quite relieved! My Mum always said I was autistic but from what I've read OCD would account for soo much! :-)
Thanks for reading folks
MrsS x