Whit97
11-08-13, 21:20
SO this may be a triggering post...so please beware!
I have no idea if I am OCD or not...I'd really appreciate the help and insight! I see a therapist soon so hopefully they'll be able to answer this...but I really need to know...it's killing me!
I'll start from the very beginning....
about a month ago, I got into watching the NBC tv show Hannibal...it is a gruesome show that shows the psychological side of psychopaths and follows the life of a borderline autistic detective with an empathy disorder. I really loved the dialogue and plot, and decided that a job like his would be awesome...I bought a book written by a real life FBI criminal profiler that discussed the motives and reasons behind serial killers, why they do the things they do...what their motive is, etc. I was all into it and figured I was invincible, I thought I could handle any sort of psychopathic show and I had colleges picked out to apply for their criminology program...then one day I was sitting down watching an episode of Monk (about an OCD detective) with my sister and Mother...in the episode the murderer electrocuted her husband and killed him for money...then all of the sudden a terrible thought came to my head...I wondered what it would be like to electrocute someone...like I actually visualized it my head! I immediately paniced after having the thought, I was so scared and disgusted that a thought like that could actually enter my head...I cried in my room and was paranoid about everything.
I kept thinking "what if's" What if I'm a serial killer? What if I'm like a killer in one of my books? What if I lose control any second and kill someone? My life what a living hell...I threw the book in the trash and stopped watching anything with murders...I couldn't look at knives because every time I did a thought of killing my family would come to mind. Then another time my mom asked me to cut up some celery for dinner...and as I was cutting it I had the URGE to suddenly stab her...it scared me so much I finished up cutting the vegetables and ran into my room....of course I didn't do it...I love my family to the ends of the earth.
I am NOT a violent person...I could never hurt anyone, and I love animals...(I'm a PETA activist, and a vegetarian...I could never hurt and animal EVER) But I keep getting these crazy psychopathic urges and thoughts...it scares me. I was playing with my cat (whom I love so much, he's been part of the family for 6 years) and all of the sudden the thought "What if he's responsible somehow? What if you snap his neck and all this goes away" came into my head...I panicked I ran into my room and couldn't even be by him for a an entire day.
I've had terrible thoughts since then...I was scared I was going to molest these little kids at a VBS camp I worked at...yesterday I had a terrible thought of killing my sister...I even had an urge...it scares the hell out of me and I don't know what to do.
On top of this I've been feeling really down in the dumps...my parents are getting a divorce soon, and I'll be living at both of my parent's houses. When I don't feel anxious or have intrusive thoughts, I feel overwhelmingly sad and hopeless, I cry all the time and I've even thought one or twice about cutting myself or just ending it all (I wouldn't ever be able to have the wits to do this!) I have a lot of great opportunities...I got into a great Media Arts high school program, that will practically hand me a full paid scholarship when I graduate... I'm one of the top of my class...I've taken Dual Enrollment classes at my college...but It all feels worthless...like nothing matters and I just want to curl up into a ball and sleep and cry all day.
Also to note this, sometimes when I have these disgusting intrusive thoughts, I don't feel anxious until AFTER the thought passes...I'll fight the thought and think it's terrible and all...but it's not until it stops that I feel guilty and anxious and all around terrible and scared that I'll lose control and do it.
Am I suffering from OCD and Depression? These thoughts are terrible and it really feels like I am going to act on them...I get urges and I am scared I will end up being one of the serial killers in the news or in that stupid TV Show Hannibal...I just don't know what to do!!!!! PLEASE HELP!
I have no idea if I am OCD or not...I'd really appreciate the help and insight! I see a therapist soon so hopefully they'll be able to answer this...but I really need to know...it's killing me!
I'll start from the very beginning....
about a month ago, I got into watching the NBC tv show Hannibal...it is a gruesome show that shows the psychological side of psychopaths and follows the life of a borderline autistic detective with an empathy disorder. I really loved the dialogue and plot, and decided that a job like his would be awesome...I bought a book written by a real life FBI criminal profiler that discussed the motives and reasons behind serial killers, why they do the things they do...what their motive is, etc. I was all into it and figured I was invincible, I thought I could handle any sort of psychopathic show and I had colleges picked out to apply for their criminology program...then one day I was sitting down watching an episode of Monk (about an OCD detective) with my sister and Mother...in the episode the murderer electrocuted her husband and killed him for money...then all of the sudden a terrible thought came to my head...I wondered what it would be like to electrocute someone...like I actually visualized it my head! I immediately paniced after having the thought, I was so scared and disgusted that a thought like that could actually enter my head...I cried in my room and was paranoid about everything.
I kept thinking "what if's" What if I'm a serial killer? What if I'm like a killer in one of my books? What if I lose control any second and kill someone? My life what a living hell...I threw the book in the trash and stopped watching anything with murders...I couldn't look at knives because every time I did a thought of killing my family would come to mind. Then another time my mom asked me to cut up some celery for dinner...and as I was cutting it I had the URGE to suddenly stab her...it scared me so much I finished up cutting the vegetables and ran into my room....of course I didn't do it...I love my family to the ends of the earth.
I am NOT a violent person...I could never hurt anyone, and I love animals...(I'm a PETA activist, and a vegetarian...I could never hurt and animal EVER) But I keep getting these crazy psychopathic urges and thoughts...it scares me. I was playing with my cat (whom I love so much, he's been part of the family for 6 years) and all of the sudden the thought "What if he's responsible somehow? What if you snap his neck and all this goes away" came into my head...I panicked I ran into my room and couldn't even be by him for a an entire day.
I've had terrible thoughts since then...I was scared I was going to molest these little kids at a VBS camp I worked at...yesterday I had a terrible thought of killing my sister...I even had an urge...it scares the hell out of me and I don't know what to do.
On top of this I've been feeling really down in the dumps...my parents are getting a divorce soon, and I'll be living at both of my parent's houses. When I don't feel anxious or have intrusive thoughts, I feel overwhelmingly sad and hopeless, I cry all the time and I've even thought one or twice about cutting myself or just ending it all (I wouldn't ever be able to have the wits to do this!) I have a lot of great opportunities...I got into a great Media Arts high school program, that will practically hand me a full paid scholarship when I graduate... I'm one of the top of my class...I've taken Dual Enrollment classes at my college...but It all feels worthless...like nothing matters and I just want to curl up into a ball and sleep and cry all day.
Also to note this, sometimes when I have these disgusting intrusive thoughts, I don't feel anxious until AFTER the thought passes...I'll fight the thought and think it's terrible and all...but it's not until it stops that I feel guilty and anxious and all around terrible and scared that I'll lose control and do it.
Am I suffering from OCD and Depression? These thoughts are terrible and it really feels like I am going to act on them...I get urges and I am scared I will end up being one of the serial killers in the news or in that stupid TV Show Hannibal...I just don't know what to do!!!!! PLEASE HELP!