watapale
12-08-13, 21:00
I could easily start listing symptoms for a temporary sense of reassurance, but what's the point today I will assume I have liver disease tomorrow it could be lung cancer... So I will refrain from doing that and just skip to a story
Every day we all go about our lives, some of us work some of us school we wake up, shower, get dressed, eat and on our way we go. We hardly ever take the time to sit back and just think about life.. How valuable it is, how we ended up where we are, how we should make the most of every happiness we ever feel..
Until it hits you, like a speeding car bang!
I could tell you exactly when it started, I was 16 years old one particular week I had been feeling stressed (god knows what a 16 year old could possibly be stressed about) towards the end of that week I had gone out drinking with some friends, as most 16 year old's do. I got extremely drunk and felt an overwhelming sense of nausea, no surprise.
The next day was expected hung over and feeling sick, you know that grey dark cloudy feeling you get when your sick. That slowly passes as you get better. Well it didn't pass, 2 days later after constantly spewing acid reflux of which I assumed was vomit. I went to A&E, same routine drip, blood test doctor comes in checks me out you drank too much and burned the in lining of your stomach.
it will heal soon here is some anti acid medicine, take care bye..
and he was probably right but as the weeks passed my stomach was still sore.. I lost weight - I wasn't eating right - I felt weak - I wasn't eating enough - I just need to force myself to eat more - No I must be HIV positive or have full blown "Aids"..
Now I was a 16 year old Virgin, I had never had a blood transfusion nor did I ever have any contact with drugs..
Logic screamed at me That's ridiculous. But I genuinely believed I did I had never heard of Anxiety or panic attacks it was the most terrifying experience of my life! I was so convinced I was dying I became spaced out I dropped out of college, stopped going out and just sat in my room, planning my funeral.. and taking a hiv test was not an option. No this was 2006 instant HIV tests did exist it was minimum 2 week wait, and believe those 2 weeks would of felt like 2 years.
I constantly obsessively scoured Dr Google for symptoms, I had a constant stomach ache that when on for months, it didn't matter how many doctors told me I was being irrational or family members telling me I could not possibly have Aids... you think so hard and deep you actually convince your self that you have a terminal disease the mind is so powerful, and its terrifying believing your dying those of you who have experienced this will know what I mean. you look at it from every negative angle, I even thought about what music they will play at my funeral.
I swallowed myself up in self pity, why me? why? and the more people who knew about my problems the more scared I got... All I would think is how am I going to break the news to everyone once they find out I'm really HIV positive.
Then the panic attacks started, I was on a bus and just like a switch... My heart raced my hands went cold, my thoughts raced 1000 km per hour. Oh my God I'm having a heart attack!! This is it! I'm gonna die right now on this bus.. I literally collapsed of the bus when I arrived at my destination, I called 999 (911) straight away....
'I just collapsed' I said, the operator sounded panicked when I Said I was numb on one side.. That didn't help at all my heart raced again, I stumbled into my apartment... and waited for the ambulance.. my phone rang. 'Where's the ambulance? quick I'm dying oh god help me help me'... The operator told me to breathe in and out... 'That is not gonna help I shouted'. She said sir I just want to ask you a few more questions,
Are your hands clammy?
yes
Can you stand up?
Yes
Are your arms numb?
No
Sir I believe you may have had a panic attack,
we cant send an ambulance for that
'What? No I need ambulance right now I protested'
I'm sorry sir its no an emergency!
Now I know many of you can relate the feeling of impending, its literally as if your minutes away from death, your hearts racing, pins and needles your breathing feels restricted. Everything feels like its going a millions time faster.
So I waited, I lay down and waited for death to sweep over me.
I waited I waited it never came, as time went by my body returned to its normal calm self.
I went to my GP the following week he set me up with a therapist and I did 6 months of CBT Con behavior therapy, they taught me how to replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts, and remarkably I got better.
I lived symptom/Anxiety free for the next 4 years. It came back abit when I was 21 and I always had acid reflux every now and again. But I would say the biggest fear of Anxiety sufferers is not not knowing what you have. So I rode it out and got better again. I assumed as time goes by I will get the odd flash of anxiety every now and again but it will less severe.
Fast forward another 3 years, my life was going well I had a full time job and I was happy. But I had gone through a very stressful year before I was settled, broken relationship, lost baby and a lot of legal issues, but I surprisingly coped well through it all.
Then one day I felt sick, which isn't out of the ordinary. We all get sick from time to time, I had a bad case of diarrhoea and pains in my stomach. I went to hospital the doctors did a blood test and gave me some tablets they said I had a gastor infection, I went home the diarrhoea cleared. And I just thought ill get better soon, then I was told some very unrelated stressful news from a friend. Then it hit me, what if the doctors misdiagnosed me what if its cancer? So I went back to the doctors he assured me it was stress, I didn't believe it back on google, searching symptoms oh my god I must have bowel cancer or stomach cancer. All in all I saw 11 different doctors and I went to 3 different hospitals. I even paid to have an ultra sound scan done. I had 3 blood tests and a hiv test. All came back negative. I still was not convinced, I was 100% sure I was dying and they just didn't find it. What if the ultra sound didn't pick up anything because they aren't the best for scanning your bowels. Every Doctor assured me I was fine but they can't say for sure,
And so it began the obsession the isolation, it affected work they gave me sick leave, I was popping pills like there was no tomorrow I felt hopeless.
it was over 7weeks, constant worry stomach cramps my diet lacked I lost weight I felt weaker by the day. Still the doctors could not find anything. I became frustrated and depressed, and I gave in and gave up. I thought if I'm dying I may as well just die now, I thought of many ways I could kill myself it scared me I was so down so trapped in a dark hole,
Some of you may have thought of suicide, you may even researched painless ways to carry it out. You have felt worthless.
But the truth is there are people who love you
Who care about you
Who would feel so much pain and guilt if something happened to you
Hope is real and you will get better, you will live, you will see better days
Just keep reminding yourself that
I got over pain by letting it run, accepting it and easing stress and like magic everything eased this black cloud turned blue and the sun in my life came back out, I may go through it all again but I have accepted that I have taken the fear out.
Every day we all go about our lives, some of us work some of us school we wake up, shower, get dressed, eat and on our way we go. We hardly ever take the time to sit back and just think about life.. How valuable it is, how we ended up where we are, how we should make the most of every happiness we ever feel..
Until it hits you, like a speeding car bang!
I could tell you exactly when it started, I was 16 years old one particular week I had been feeling stressed (god knows what a 16 year old could possibly be stressed about) towards the end of that week I had gone out drinking with some friends, as most 16 year old's do. I got extremely drunk and felt an overwhelming sense of nausea, no surprise.
The next day was expected hung over and feeling sick, you know that grey dark cloudy feeling you get when your sick. That slowly passes as you get better. Well it didn't pass, 2 days later after constantly spewing acid reflux of which I assumed was vomit. I went to A&E, same routine drip, blood test doctor comes in checks me out you drank too much and burned the in lining of your stomach.
it will heal soon here is some anti acid medicine, take care bye..
and he was probably right but as the weeks passed my stomach was still sore.. I lost weight - I wasn't eating right - I felt weak - I wasn't eating enough - I just need to force myself to eat more - No I must be HIV positive or have full blown "Aids"..
Now I was a 16 year old Virgin, I had never had a blood transfusion nor did I ever have any contact with drugs..
Logic screamed at me That's ridiculous. But I genuinely believed I did I had never heard of Anxiety or panic attacks it was the most terrifying experience of my life! I was so convinced I was dying I became spaced out I dropped out of college, stopped going out and just sat in my room, planning my funeral.. and taking a hiv test was not an option. No this was 2006 instant HIV tests did exist it was minimum 2 week wait, and believe those 2 weeks would of felt like 2 years.
I constantly obsessively scoured Dr Google for symptoms, I had a constant stomach ache that when on for months, it didn't matter how many doctors told me I was being irrational or family members telling me I could not possibly have Aids... you think so hard and deep you actually convince your self that you have a terminal disease the mind is so powerful, and its terrifying believing your dying those of you who have experienced this will know what I mean. you look at it from every negative angle, I even thought about what music they will play at my funeral.
I swallowed myself up in self pity, why me? why? and the more people who knew about my problems the more scared I got... All I would think is how am I going to break the news to everyone once they find out I'm really HIV positive.
Then the panic attacks started, I was on a bus and just like a switch... My heart raced my hands went cold, my thoughts raced 1000 km per hour. Oh my God I'm having a heart attack!! This is it! I'm gonna die right now on this bus.. I literally collapsed of the bus when I arrived at my destination, I called 999 (911) straight away....
'I just collapsed' I said, the operator sounded panicked when I Said I was numb on one side.. That didn't help at all my heart raced again, I stumbled into my apartment... and waited for the ambulance.. my phone rang. 'Where's the ambulance? quick I'm dying oh god help me help me'... The operator told me to breathe in and out... 'That is not gonna help I shouted'. She said sir I just want to ask you a few more questions,
Are your hands clammy?
yes
Can you stand up?
Yes
Are your arms numb?
No
Sir I believe you may have had a panic attack,
we cant send an ambulance for that
'What? No I need ambulance right now I protested'
I'm sorry sir its no an emergency!
Now I know many of you can relate the feeling of impending, its literally as if your minutes away from death, your hearts racing, pins and needles your breathing feels restricted. Everything feels like its going a millions time faster.
So I waited, I lay down and waited for death to sweep over me.
I waited I waited it never came, as time went by my body returned to its normal calm self.
I went to my GP the following week he set me up with a therapist and I did 6 months of CBT Con behavior therapy, they taught me how to replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts, and remarkably I got better.
I lived symptom/Anxiety free for the next 4 years. It came back abit when I was 21 and I always had acid reflux every now and again. But I would say the biggest fear of Anxiety sufferers is not not knowing what you have. So I rode it out and got better again. I assumed as time goes by I will get the odd flash of anxiety every now and again but it will less severe.
Fast forward another 3 years, my life was going well I had a full time job and I was happy. But I had gone through a very stressful year before I was settled, broken relationship, lost baby and a lot of legal issues, but I surprisingly coped well through it all.
Then one day I felt sick, which isn't out of the ordinary. We all get sick from time to time, I had a bad case of diarrhoea and pains in my stomach. I went to hospital the doctors did a blood test and gave me some tablets they said I had a gastor infection, I went home the diarrhoea cleared. And I just thought ill get better soon, then I was told some very unrelated stressful news from a friend. Then it hit me, what if the doctors misdiagnosed me what if its cancer? So I went back to the doctors he assured me it was stress, I didn't believe it back on google, searching symptoms oh my god I must have bowel cancer or stomach cancer. All in all I saw 11 different doctors and I went to 3 different hospitals. I even paid to have an ultra sound scan done. I had 3 blood tests and a hiv test. All came back negative. I still was not convinced, I was 100% sure I was dying and they just didn't find it. What if the ultra sound didn't pick up anything because they aren't the best for scanning your bowels. Every Doctor assured me I was fine but they can't say for sure,
And so it began the obsession the isolation, it affected work they gave me sick leave, I was popping pills like there was no tomorrow I felt hopeless.
it was over 7weeks, constant worry stomach cramps my diet lacked I lost weight I felt weaker by the day. Still the doctors could not find anything. I became frustrated and depressed, and I gave in and gave up. I thought if I'm dying I may as well just die now, I thought of many ways I could kill myself it scared me I was so down so trapped in a dark hole,
Some of you may have thought of suicide, you may even researched painless ways to carry it out. You have felt worthless.
But the truth is there are people who love you
Who care about you
Who would feel so much pain and guilt if something happened to you
Hope is real and you will get better, you will live, you will see better days
Just keep reminding yourself that
I got over pain by letting it run, accepting it and easing stress and like magic everything eased this black cloud turned blue and the sun in my life came back out, I may go through it all again but I have accepted that I have taken the fear out.