View Full Version : Your children living with a anxious parent...
Ok the million dollar question.
I have children and I am very consious that I act like someone who is anxious and worried. This comes in many disguises.
Telling them how to live
Taking them to the doctor a lot
explaining the downfalls of their diet
complaing when they dony exercise
continually asking if they are ok
Ok all normal parental concerns you may think.
Well I was told that the worse thing I could do is pass my anxiety on to my children. The problem is my kids are all boys and I am a dad. So I am their role model and a fearful one. Do I try to hide my anxieties? Do I try to act normal all the time and I have forgot what normal or balanced is now? Or do I just explain to them that I suffer from anxiety that way they know that my actions are not normal and risk them becoming more anxious thinking their father is ill.
There lays my dilemma and even though I want my children to enjoy a exciting and fulfilling life that is not restricted by too much anxiety I am very aware they have a role model who to them is the only version of normal and the way they should act and it scares the S**t out of me. What would you do?
Helppppp!!
Mee
Ooh tough one, just replying to boost it up the page. Will ask my daughter! (Now a Psychologist - I wonder why??)
---------- Post added at 07:46 ---------- Previous post was at 07:41 ----------
She says, "How old are they?" She says she would be open and explain that how you are isn't optimal but that not everybody has to act this way.
For me I decided when I gave birth to a tomboy that I had to fake it til I made it. I used to watch her climbing with my heart in my mouth but all I ever said was, "Be careful with that bit Sweetheart!" And I made sure I kept my tone of voice as light as I could. I worried loads but I had an inner dialogue going all the time about how I mustn't be OTT. I used to hold my tongue a LOT (as Holly says, "You never said, 'Oh don't go to Italy it's dangerous!' etc.")
It's great you are so aware. I was too and my kids have grown up fine. I was open with them about being anxious and they used to help me not to be. I think in terms of them 'worrying you are ill' - remember, they aren't anxious like you are. You ARE their norm. But you have a great opportunity to bring them up aware of, and accepting of, mental health issues.
Like Speranza said, a lot depends on the age of your children. My youngest was 10 when my anxiety started and it was so intense that it couldn't be hidden. He knew his Mum was ill and yes he did worry about me and tried to 'mother' me. Constantly checking on how I was feeling. He is 23 now and I don't think it has affected him in a bad way. I think it has made him a more understanding and caring person. It didn't affect his schooling as he now has a first class honours degree. He is now very much in tune with how I am feeling and can detect when I am getting more anxious. He is also very good at helping to 'pick me up' again. My older 2 were not affected by it all but do avoid telling me things they are doing in case it makes me more anxious :)
Yes that sounds about right Annie! Mine got a First Class degree too. Maybe we ought to congratulate ourselves! ;)
Hi
Thanks for the replies. It just feels so wrong telling them that Dad suffers from anxiety. I sometimes see my eldest who is 15 getting stressed with the noise the younger too make. 12,6 yrs. I don't want them to think that dad cannot cope, can't help, not to bother him as he is suffering from anxiety. I feel he has learnt that response from my example?
May be I a am viewing this from a anxious mind??
I just don't want them to grow up thinking their dad was miserable and got cross a lot. I love my kids with all my heart, they create me the most stress worrying about their health and happiness. If they just knew how much I cared and that when I get cross it is usually because I am feeling exceptionally anxious.
Mee
I was - am - the kind of parent who believes it is good to be honest with your kids. I suggest you have a think about why you don't want to tell them. If it is about appearing 'weak' then you might be unconsciously buying into the Daily Mail view of mental health issues. I reckon the elder two are certainly old enough to understand. Perhaps you could start with the eldest and just explain that you've been thinking a lot lately about how you must appear to him and take it from there, maybe show him this site.
Of course you may get the reaction I did when I spoke about my MH issues to my daughters - something along the lines of, "I think I am very anxious...." and was met with silence, loving faces trying not to laugh, and a slow handclap...
:huh:
I agree with Speranza, they have probably already noticed your anxiety any way so sharing it with them will just give them a better understanding.
This is also my worst nightmare- living with anxiety is rubbish and no life, to pass it on to the people you love and look up to you is a real killer. I know how you feel mate, this is something I have thought about no end for the last 6 months.
I've told my kids bit & pieces about my health issues along the years, appropriate to their age & understanding. Now they're grown up, (well youngest is in teens), they know pretty much everything.. they hear me talking on the phone about my symptoms, they've seen me in tears when things are bad, and they don't seem to think twice when I insist on aisle seats in the cinema (so I can get out) or stand at the back of a full room near the door.. they get it, but they haven't 'inherited' it, if that makes sense.
I do think that kids who have a poorly parent turn out to be more considerate, caring, and understanding of others who have any kind of issues. I guess it's bit of a learning curve for everyone involved as to how much to tell, and when.
Hi,
I fought for years, trying to be 'normal' in front of my kids.
When I was VERY anxious, I think I came across to them as grumpy and unapproachable .
I used to shut myself in my bedroom if I was having a major p a, and shout if they tried to open the bedroom door. I was just trying to protect them from being upset at seeing their mum, crying, vomiting and shaking. I thought it would frighten them.
Mabey, with hindsight, what I did was more frightening for them.
My husband forced/encouraged me to tell them last year. They are now in their twenties
My daughter does not understand panic. She cannot rationalise how nothing in my life or home can put me in such a state of physical TERROR!!
My son doesn't understand either, but understands the adrenaline/fear cycle and helps me by talking to me and doing breathing excercise etc.
I still hate them seeing me distressed, and STILL paint on the happy face, until I can't .
I don't think I have affected their life too badly, but I certainly haven't enriched it.
ankietyjoe
15-08-13, 17:10
I don't want my son to know anything about it.
He's five now, and clearly beginning to see what it's doing to me, but I always pretend that the lay downs and not talking is headaches. If I can I'll hide it from him forever.
The silver lining is that if he ever has to go through anything like this I'll know what advice to give him from day one. Catching it early and learning not to panic about things is key to anybody's recovery.
Hi, I first suffered with anxiety when my daughter was three. "Mummy's not feeling very well today" was enough to explain it to her. As my children grew older, like you I was worried that I might pass the tendency on to them - my mum suffered from anxiety and depression for many years and I remember having to deal with her phobias as a teenager. Well, my daughter is now 19, has never had a day's anxiety in her life and in fact has just returned from two months travelling and volunteering in Africa. My son is 14 and, of the two of them, is probably the more sensitive to stress, but my experience has been invaluable in that I know how it feels to have "a hot feeling going right through me" and can explain that it's a normal and harmless physical reaction. He seems to be coping very well with life now. I approach it from the angle that everyone has a weak spot, be it allergies or whatever, and mine happens to be anxiety, but it's nothing for them to worry about. Their attitude now seems to be a loving, if exasperated, tolerance for mum's little ways. Hope this helps!
I grew up with anxious parents, mostly my dad, but I actually didnt find out about his anxiety until I was in my 30s. I have been anxious all my life, but more so over the last 5 years, Im 41 now. I have tried to hide my anxiety from my children, and they (fingers crossed) dont seem to be anxious at all, they are now 16 and 21 and much better at life than me. They know now that I worry, but they dont know just what I worry about (everything!) or how it effects me. I have been determined not to subject them to the moods I experienced from my mother and the distance from my dad.
I turned out anxious, and have been like this since a child with bad separation anxiety and dislike of anything male - I can only assume not having a bond with my dad has done this too me.
Although I just graduated with a 1st class honors degree and have 2 wonderful children and a very supportive and patient husband, so its not all bad. I just wish I could overcome my anxiety once and for all
Intresting responses. Thanks everyone.
I am not sure if any of my kids have anxiety? My eldest has a short fuse but I put that down to being "Kevin the teenager" years. He does not like the other two to make lots of noise. I feel the problem is that my anxiety blows all there reactions out of normal. I remember my son saying he felt really stressed when doing some GCSE mocks. I panicked thinking he was going to withdraw, should i ask for help for him. Turns out he did just fine.
Mental health is something that happen to others and I think the tv programmes that have been on recently have brought it in to the living room.
I would feel weak to tell them as my Eldest son feels he like to challenge my authority and like to to have a tussle with me now and again. So I feel I will wait until they are older may be late teens.
Mee
As a child my auntie had what my mum refered to as "a bit down again" Or "gone down with her nerves" - now years on I understand she's suffered with anxiety & depression.
Otherwise I was oblivious to the mental health realm of problems in fact, i was quite ignorant of it all & didnt get it BUT 2011 - personal experience opened my eyes to it all.
I suffered a breakdown due to 10 years of compound stress and at the time suffered debilitating panic attacks which induced agrophobia for 6 months well, I would have to do school run. My daughter was 9 and she must have known. I've always been a go getter and a bit of a pushy mum, oh let's do this and let's do that. It all stopped and now my 4 year old is aware of my GAD as he knows I come on NMP as he's over heard my hubby talking about it and my son recognises the bird and page.
It is a tricky one BUT seriously what ever the age if your GAD is more than just a phase of a few weeks or months, surely your kids do pick it up that your not well/right and when that panic arises and results in a full blown attack - well that speaks for itself whoever your with - will witness your distress.
I wasn't exposed to any one with panic attacks/anxiety directly - but I have it?? Perhaps our kids being aware of it will Make them less likely to develop it ?? Because they're exposed & witness the fear in someone close ie dad/mum. If that makes sense ??
My not being aware made the learning curve very steep for me when I developed GAD in 2011. I honestly thought I was loosing my mind.
Your not alone with this , male or female - its very difficult but I think they must know.
Has anyone got tips on explaining anxiety to children? I have 7 year old twins who are asking why I am not at work ( which is due to my anxiety) but I couldn't think of a way to explain apart from " mummy is unwell at the moment".
Just thinking about this one... You know, I wonder if telling a story would help? It might help you too - there is something called 'externalisation' which I used to use with kids with anger issues - we would imagine an angry monster and they would learn to shrink it down to tiny and grow it back to big, and then when they got angry they could shrink the feelings (that is a very potted version!!)The point was, they began to see that their anger was not 'them' - it was something outside, which they could control.
Perhaps you could make up a story about a very worried fairy/goblin/whatever who makes Mummy feel a bit panicky and whispers Silly Thoughts into her head that make her feel worried? (I wouldn't share the worries though! But you could say something like. "It makes my tummy feel whizzy" - which would help them to talk about their feelings too). And they could help you to think of what to say to it. eg: "Let's think of some funny things to cheer up Silly Head!"
I dunno, that might look totally stupid! LOL But you never know, it may help someone... :huh:
ETA a wonderful little story about a tiny boy of 5 I once worked with, who was incredibly intelligent and got very angry in school. He decided his monster was an Angersaurus Rex and drew me a wonderful picture of it. And one day, my last day with him, he shrank it down until it was in the palm of his hand, and then looked at me and said very thoughtfully, "I'm going to let him stay that size. I don't want him to disappear altogether, because you never know when you might need a bit of anger, do you?"
Wow. I am sure he will go far!!
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