Pure O during pregnancy. My story =/

[butterflyx]

Hi everyone. I'm new here, and feeling anxious about talking about this. I think I just need some reassurance. I'm now at a time in my life where I think I need to find the support.

My story is pretty long, so to anyone that has taken the time to read it, I really appreciate it :) here goes...

I'm pretty sure I've suffered with mild OCD for many years now. At first I didn't acknowledge that it could of been OCD as I always associated the illness with compulsive acts such as hand washing etc, and never thought that it could all manifest in the mind.

It started when I was about 13, almost out of nowhere. I started to believe that I had a brain tumour. This gradually took over my life and I would always seek reassurance from my mum regarding this. When I finally accepted that I did not have a brain tumour, my mind would tell me I was suffering with another terminal disease or illness. This carried on for several years of my teenage life, and eased off as I reached my early twenties.

I also suffered on and off throughout my teenage years with confusion of my sexuality. I'm pretty sure it's normal in most teenagers to question their sexuality at some point, but my mind took this to an extreme that could not have been considered normal. I'd feel very distressed over this and panic that I was a lesbian and the world and my family would reject me. I'd see random women in the street and my mind would tell me "you fancy her." and I had to go through a ritual in my mind to make myself feel normal again. This disappeared when I started to have real feelings towards boys and I realised that my mind was just being ridiculous :) if I ever do have an intrusive thought regarding this subject it does not distress me, because I have dealt with this and accepted what I am, and there is nothing disgusting about being attracted to the same sex, but I know that is not me.

I was in a relationship when I was 20 with a guy who I was completely in love with. Of course, my mind wanted to ruin this and conjured up something new for me to battle with. I could constantly doubt my love for this guy and how he felt towards me. I would be paranoid when he went out, thinking he was cheating on me or planning to break up with me. It got so bad at one point that I started to think that I'd cheated on him without knowing it and had a constant feeling of guilt hanging over me. This made me feel extremely anxious and depressed, but with the other intrusive thoughts, I battled with this and it eventually disappeared.

It seems like I have dealt with every possible subject here. I started to have horrible intrusive thoughts regarding children, which distressed me a hell of a lot more than anything else I've ever experienced. I would convince myself that I was a disgusting person that could not possibly be part of society if this is what I was thinking. It was harder to eradicate, but my brain has built up a defense mechanism against these intrusive thoughts and eventually, this too went away, and I realised how irrational and stupid I was being.

I can go months without having an episode, and be perfectly happy with my life in this time. Then something hits me, and I go through this ritual until my life and mind feels normal again. It's become almost such a routine in my life that when I experience these obsessions and thoughts, instead of now becoming totally inconsolable like I once used to, I almost become angry and fed up by them...and my mind keeps saying "Oh great, here we go again...". Is this normal? I feel like because I'm not panicking like I once used to, that I'm a vile evil person. I think I've just grown tired of the tricks my mind plays on me because I know deep down that I am a genuinely nice person with a caring nature.

I'm currently 24 weeks pregnant with my first child. The pregnancy was not planned but my boyfriend and I were happy at the thought of becoming parents anyway :). Of course the obsessions decided to rear their ugly head and try to ruin my happiness. Before the 12 week scan I would constantly worry that they wouldn't find anything there! I would be on google searching all the time, trying to find out how common an empty womb was. Obviously when I had the scan, everything was fine, but the sonographer could not check the nucheal fold behind the baby's neck to test for Downs Syndrome, and I was given an appointment for a QUAD test two weeks later. And of course, in this two weeks, I was utterly convinced that I was carrying a Downs baby. This was an extremely distressing wait for me, and when the results came back as normal, which I felt they would deep down...I was relieved, but my mind THEN found something ELSE to obsess over. I started looking up anomaly scans (20 week scans) and what the hospital check for. I terrified myself with all of these illnesses they were checking for on the baby and my stupid mind convinced me that my baby would have no kidneys and not be able to survive. This was an extremely hard few weeks. I felt sick on the day of the scan. My mind just wouldn't stop and all of these horrible thoughts about the baby not surviving were circulating. Again, everything was fine, and my partner and I found out that we're expecting a healthy little girl in December, my life could not be any happier and I finally felt like I could tell other people about the baby. For a few weeks I was so happy. I went out and bought things for the baby, planned how we were going to decorate her nursary, and decided on a name. Life really did feel completely perfect :)

But a few weeks ago, I started to fear that someone would hurt the baby when she was born. That someone would take her away from me and hurt her. My mind then aimed my obsessions towards my boyfriend, who is really understanding of how I've been feeling recently. I started to think he was going to abuse our daughter when she was born. It made me feel sick. I cried my eyes out to him uncontrollable and he reassured me that we would both be great, happy parents. These obsessions then went away, which have been replaced with thoughts that I'M now going to abuse our daughter when she is born, and that I'm not fit to be a mother because deep down, I'm interested in children. My mind is telling me that this form of OCD doesn't exist, and it's just a cover up for pedophiles and psychopaths. I know deep down this is wrong, and I think I'm doing okay at keeping a lid on this so far, because I know it's irrational and I know it will subside in a week or two. It just seems like once one obsession disappears, it is then replaced with a new one. I sometimes feel like I'm not normal and that having a baby will tip me over the edge. I'm fairly strong minded though and can fight these thoughts off in my own time. I just need a little reassurance from people suffering with the same vile illness.

I just want to feel normal again. I want to be a good mum and I just want a happy, quiet life without my mind constantly conjuring up these disgusting thoughts to try and and stifle my happiness.

If anyone has read this far, then I really appreciate it. I understand that I've wrote a lot and it's quite complex. Any replies or reassurance would really help me right now :) I'm worried about going to a doctor as I think they will say I'm a psycho and lock me away, and I'll never see my daughter after I've given birth to her.

Thank you all,
S

[Invisibletouch]

Hi Butterfly...first of all congratulations on expecting a wonderful baby girl.
About 13 to 15 seems to be the age that OCD begins for a lot of young people, and yes OCD can manifest in the mind instead of or as well as the physical compulsions. This is called Pure-o OCD. All the things that you have experienced, the changing worrying thoughts are part of the nature of OCD. Just when you think that one thing is under control it throws up another to take its place. It is quite normal when you have suffered this way for a long time to think as you do "here we go again", you are not a horrible person. The very fact that you think this way means you are accepting what is happening and know that you will get through this episode which is a good thing.
Although its not easy, the best thing you can try to do is accept that these thoughts will come but try to live with them being there and carry on, knowing that they are just thoughts. If you do decide to go to the Gp, this is something they have seen many times, and being referred for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy can really help.
Take care.....

[butterflyx]

Thank you so much for your reply, just reading it made me feel so much better.

I have felt much better in myself over the past week. I have obviously had small blips of worry, but I keep telling myself that it IS OCD and nothing else, and I wouldn't be feeling horrible or depressed if I really was this person. I know I'm not, I do think it's just my mind challenging me and trying to ruin my happiness, and I'm not going to let it happen.

I'm wondering if this episode was triggered by something going on in my life? About a month or so ago, a guy that I went to school with was caught trying to groom what he thought was a 13 year old girl. He has a daughter that isn't even 1 yet and I couldn't stop thinking about the poor girl. I kept thinking about the situation and then these thoughts started coming. I think I see a pattern here.

Again, thank you for your reply. I do feel like I'm coming out of this episode a stronger person.

[Col]

Butterflyx, gosh I'm in a bit of a bed time rush and I will get back and read your thread BUT I'm nearly 28 weeks pregnant with my 3 rd and it's a girl - Snap!!!

Just because this is my 3rd baby makes the anxiety no easier in fact I feel worse depersonalised , on edge not myself I dreaded both my scans and feel on the verge of loosing it ! I only became a GAD sufferer 2 years ago, so with other babies i didnt have this awful affliction!!!I just think this time I'm going to die - I'm serious . I've almost switched off tbh I get excited but then it just gets over shadowed by a numbing feeling of severe inner panic/anxiety.

Gosh you've been through the mill Hun - I will read your thread in more detail and post you back. Hugs X

[flossie]

Congratulations on the new babies who are 'in the oven.'
I read an article in The Mail a while ago about pregnancy and OCD. It is more common than you think and is now becoming recognised in the same way as post natal depression is.
Google pregnancy and OCD and you will find lots of articles. The important thing is that you have recognised that you have a problem and you need to ask for help from everyone who is caring for you throughout your pregnancy.

Good luck.

[Citlali]

As I was reading, I was thinking how similar my thoughts have been, and felt a little bit better knowing that I´m not the only one. I also started around 13 with the same worrying - doubtful thoughts, as well as during my pregnancy. Actually, the thought about having a tumor, I thought it today, as I had one of the most horrible episodes while driving my car and thinking that either a tumor, or an intrusive soul or a hard lesson I have to learn in this life, is the only explanation after not being able to take out the horrible thoughts (and images, and words) out of my head after all these years.

And now that I have a beautiful 1 year old baby girl, although some worrying thoughts have disappeared, other horrible thoughts become stronger. Actually, I have noticed that right when a horrible word or thought pops in my mind, she starts crying loud, and of course, I immediately think I caused it and then I start crying too. I don´t know if it is just coincidence, or maybe she sense my thoughts or worries, but now that I have a baby, is when I most urgently need to stop this horrible thoughts, as I feel I´m somehow harming her with "negative vibes" or something.

For me, the thoughts appear most often as offensive words which break my heart every time I "hear" them. Right when I think in my baby´s face or name or something, right in that instant, a horrible verb, noun or insult appears and it just makes me angry as I feel I´m not who evoked that, is faster than me and sometimes can´t even see it coming.

Today was one of my worst days and I cried all the way home while driving, thinking "I give up", asking for a sign or something that could explain why I´m having this, or magically take the nasty words and thoughts away, promising to be less selfish and help more others, and be the best mom in the history, in exchange of having these thoughts removed.

And just an hour ago I found this site and read your post. It made me feel a bit better and with a new hope (as I was reading your post, I could imagine you and I can bet you are a good person, so I guess I am too).

[butterflyx]

Thank you so much for your replies. I feel much better! I have a Doctors appointment booked for the 5th to talk about my out of control emotions. Hopefully this won't be a wasted visit.

Citlali - I feel for you, I really do. And I know exactly how you feel. Just know that you aren't a horrible person and this nasty illness will try ANYTHING to make you feel bad about yourself. Thoughts are not actions, and thoughts mean nothing. I can imagine you are a fabulous Mum! :) Maybe you just need to take a step and see a Doctor too? They won't judge you, they see these things all the time. If you need to talk, please don't hesitate to drop me a message. Just remember - things will get better.

S
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