View Full Version : Help needed from all you Mommy's out there
How do you stop needing to protect your "baby" from the big bad world out there??
My son informed me tonight that he is going to Manchester on Wednesday til Saturday to visit the brother of one of his mates who is at University up there.
My immediate reaction? Alarm bells chimed, panic set in, "he can't go, he is far too young!"
I then realise that my "baby boy" is in fact 18 next April. He is a young adult and doesn't need me to make decisions as to whether he can go to Manchester or not! He is his own independant person that can make his own mind up about things.
But how come I'm finding it so hard to realise that he is all grown up and not my little boy anymore? How do you begin to let go of nearly 18 years of looking after them?
Anyone got any advise on how to deal with the big hole that is left once your kids don't need you for everything anymore?
Kate
"Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same"
Hi Kate, no real advice, just know how you feel, mine are 22 and 25 and I still worry about both, the yongest because she isnt at home, she lives away and the eldest because he rarely goes out and if he does I wonder if hes OK etc, I then think back and imagine myself at that age and how independant i was etc, infact at my sons age I had him, lol, there will always be a hole, it will just get smaller, take care,xxx
Alexis
xx
honeybee3939
19-10-06, 21:07
Hi Kate,
I know exactly how you feel ! Im just the same, i have 2 girls 18 and 16, i worry about them all the time, i am constantly ringing there mobiles to see if they are ok. And if they dont answer i always fear the worse! I realy havent got any advice for you as i am just like you!
My 18 year old is always telling me off for ringing her, she keeps telling me "im 18 now mum not 5!" lol
I geuss we are just caring parents! but kids dont understand that sometimes.
love
Andrea
xxxx
eeyorelover
19-10-06, 22:25
Hi Kate -
I don't think that we ever stop worrying about our kids!! That's probably why I have to dye my hair now every couple of months - lol
We just have to hope that we steered them in the right direction and let go. It's hard and we all struggle with it - I'm sure.
But on a brighter note - sometime in the future you will be having Grandbabies and you can spoil them rotten and send them home - lol
My first Grandson is a year old and it's so much more fun when you don't have to disipline them and can just feed them sugar and let them get all dirty and not have to deal with the aftermath!!! :)
xxx
Sandy
Kate,
If I ever find the answer hun I will let you know.
I am having lots of acceptance to do this end too. Middle Piglet especially, as she seems to be the most independent one and is the same age as your baby boy barr a few months.
She was away in the summer to Spain for a week FLYING!!!! Nottingham is this weeks jaunt. Hard hard hard isn't it!
Sometimes I look at my kids and think who really needs who here [:I]!!!
I have asked if we could all live on a street of terraced houses with interconnecting doors - nobody seemed to like this idea, funny that!!
Love Pig xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Kate,
I think we just have to accept that they start to spread their wings, of course we will always worry about them, thats natural, if mine are ever late home all the worst things go through my mind, and I am dreading the day Ami says mum i'm leaving home, and I guess at 19 its now going to be sooner rather than later.
But saying that if I ever go out, Ami texts me constantly checking I'm ok, and she texts me every break and lunchtime from work to ask if im ok, so I guess they worry about us as much as we worry about them.
I think in one respect its a fear of them not needing us as much as they get older which makes us worry even more, but if we let them make their own decisions in life and just be there for them if they fall along the way, then we can't really go wrong mate.
Bloody hard work being a mum isn't it allowing our babies to grow up lol.
Love
Trac xx
'Live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten'
Hi there, it is very difficult and natural for us mum's to worry. ALL parents worry, panic or not.... Mine are 26, 24, 18 (on Sunday) and 16. My eldest left home in Feb. the rest live at home? The 18 y.o. spends most of her time with her b.friend..He lives local and she stays over when not at college. Of course the 16y.o. still has rules/boundaries, but the others come and go as they please, without taking liberties of course. They tend to come to me when they are hungry or have no money!!!! I have treated them with respect and receive it back. I do not shout at them and they do not yell at me..Of course, over the years we have had problems who doesn't..I now look at them all with such pride and when they go off on one of their adventures pat me and hubby on the back for setting them up and sending them in the right direction, i believe after a certain age (and it varies from child to child) you just have to sit back, listen to them and give advise when asked and pick up the mess should things go sour!! sorry to have gone on, can't even remember what you asked now Kate. sorry!!! xxjean
Thanks everyone for your replies.
I DO worry loads about them when they go off doing their own thing. But, the hardest thing seems to be accepting that there is now a great big gaping hole left that I don't know how to fill.
I think moms especially seem to live for their children and they come first for so long. All those years of having a full life due to always having the children for company suddenly changes and I realise that I have no other interests to fill the gap.
I reckon thats why I keep acquiring new pets, for the company and the love that they give you. They make me feel wanted again and rely on me totally for everything, as did the children when they were little. Sad innit?
Kate
"Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same"
Lindalou64
20-10-06, 14:56
I know its very very hard my youngest will be 18 in Jan and Im always on him ......why didnt ya call me afterfootball be home this time and no dont sleep there and why are u going there....i want you home god i could go on forever.we are moms and we will always worry for our children it does get easier with my 22 on his own I dont worry as much .......but I also realize i have to let go of this rope i have or hes gonna just lose it and not come home or what ever.....we love them thats why we worry....................Linda tc xx[8D]
Kate,
I am the same as you, I now have 3 cats and a puppy, and the girls haven't even left home yet, I hate to think the amount of pets I will end up with once they do leave home, you will see me on tv as one of these little old spinsters who's house is awash with stray cats and dogs I have taken in for company ...........oh now i am beginning to worry myself LOL
Love
Trac xxz
'Live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten'
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Thanks everyone for your replies.
I DO worry loads about them when they go off doing their own thing. But, the hardest thing seems to be accepting that there is now a great big gaping hole left that I don't know how to fill.
I think moms especially seem to live for their children and they come first for so long. All those years of having a full life due to always having the children for company suddenly changes and I realise that I have no other interests to fill the gap.
I reckon thats why I keep acquiring new pets, for the company and the love that they give you. They make me feel wanted again and rely on me totally for everything, as did the children when they were little. Sad innit?
Kate
"Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same"
<div align="right">Originally posted by kate - 20 October 2006 : 14:49:34</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I had a very similiar moan to Ray about exactly this only a week or so ago. I don't think this is an anxiety issue is it really, it's a normal issue that happens to all parents.
I think we should all go just a bit bohemian and join a kibbutcsh (great if I could spell it) and have a mad old time until it's time to return home to be grandparents - anyone up for it?? I could cook [}:)][:I]:D!!!
Piglet xx
chick peas and pringles matey ????
I will come if someone else cooks lol
Love
Trac xx
'Live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten'
Yes but at least with my cooking you can always make jewellery out of it if you don't feel like eatin it - not many people can say that can they.
Anyway you just shurrup - I am coming on msn in a mo to sort you out!!!!
Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
You know Kate, everyone wants the best life possible for their kids, but that life isn't at home wrapped up in cotton wool. You might be safe wrapped up in cotton wool, but you're going to get mighty bored...
The best life is going out there and living your life. There's danger and you'll always run into hard times. But you'll run into good times too. Good and bad, they're all quality life experiences and you grow old learning to appreciate them all. The more you have, the more you appreciate.
What do you want for your son....for him to sit at home like a couch potatoe? Or for him to discover the essence of life and all it has to offer?
'Security is mostly superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding Danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.'
Mico that brings to mind one of my favourite sayings about 'Ships are safe in harbour but that's not what ships were built for'!
Piglet x
Hi Kate
I can relate fully to what your saying. My anxiety has all started due to my anxiousness over the children. My son is almost 16 years old and developed epilepsy last year and it is still uncontrolled. I was just starting to let go and now I don't want to let him out of my sight. My daughter is 18 years old and stays out until 3-4am in the morning at weekends and is having such a good time forgets to phone. I of course am lying at home worried sick. She also went off on holiday to Greece last month. That was the worst week I have experienced re. my anxiety.
We also have to remember that when our children are at this stage we are also/usualy going through a change in our lives. I was at the nurse today having blood taken and she said she has many women of my age (45) coming into the surgery experiencing the same anxiety symptoms as myself and she believes much of it is related to the perimenopause. The perimenopause is the period 5-10 years before the menopause when our bodies are going through much change. She said she has come across so many women who have been confident and rational who are now struggling to cope with everyday tasks. They get agitated at the slightest thing have no patience and cry over nothing (thats me). She says they feel they have become irrational. So this is maybe part of the reason we struggle to cope with letting our children go.
There is no easy answer to this Kate I suppose we just have to hope we have given them the foundation blocks for life and pray they will be safe.
chillx
No, Mico, of course I don't want him not to go out and experience life, that is not what I'm saying at all.
I was merely asking advise on how to deal with the gap that is left once they start leading their own lives after years spent looking after them.
I know exactly what it is like living the "safe" life. And yes, it is very, very boring. You really think that this is the life I would wish on anyone especially someone that means everything to me? If you think that I do, then you are very, very wrong.
Thanks for the reply, Chill, you have raised some very interesting points.
Kate
"Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same"
nomorepanic
20-10-06, 22:36
Kate
Can you not turn this on its head and see it as time for you and hubbie to have some time together and rediscover those times before kids.
Do all the things you want to do and not have to worry about kids being around and listening to your every move (if you know what I mean lol)
You can't stop it happening so look at it positively and that you have nurtured these special people and now (like birds) they will fly the nest.
Trust me they will soon be back with dirty washing and wanting mum's advice.
You will miss them kate but you have done your best for them and life has to move on I am afraid.
I bet they will be back soon with babies too!! HAHA
Try to look at the positives. You can do things you want to now and yes you will always worry but you have done your bit and now it is time for YOU again.
x
People will forget what you said
People will forget what you did
But people will never forget how you made them feel
Nicola
The thing is, Nic, there is nothing that I want to do for myself to be honest.
Mark has always worked long shifts and a lot of the time it has been just me and the kids here. He plays a lot of golf on his time off. That is his love. We have grown apart over the years, we no longer have anything in common and I know that this is why I'm feeling so empty.
This isn't a sob story, it is how it is. We have been together for too long and just drifted away from each other.
Kate x
"Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same"
Kate is there more here than the empty gap of the kids - is them growing up and doing their own stuff making you look at your relationship too???
I honestly do empathise here, cos we are the same age, same age kids etc etc. With no desire to be sexist I think it is a maternal issue on the whole - mainly because the woman usually gives up, or cuts down on outside work to bring up the kids, whereas the men pretty well maintain their same routine. For nigh on 18 years the kids are our lives! During this time I knew my role, now I am not so sure. I have a horrid feeling that I have been hiding behind my role as mum because that's a nicely defined role and negated the need to be anything more!
Hun we will find things to bridge that gap - the process of them growing up is not overnight (although it feels like it)and you still have Hannah for a few years yet.
I will use the time to do more with my mates and make more mates etc and try new things (like getting further away from the house :D). I may even do a Shirley Valentine! :)
Love Pig x
Sorry Kate, that wasn't a go at you, I was just trying to offer a different perspective. Sometimes we worry so much it's difficult to see things without looking at all the negatives first. But there's just as many positives.
'Security is mostly superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding Danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.'
Piglet,
Your post summed it all up perfectly.
Mico, I never for a moment thought you were having a go at me just that you didn't entirely get where I was coming from.
Kate
"Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same"
Kate,
You can come on a SAGA holiday with me and Piglet when we go, but you have to wear your hair in a bun and bring your knitting with you ok mate.
I am lucky still in one respect even though I'm single now Erin is still only 10 so I know she wont be leaving home for a good few years yet, so I still have a while before I feel completly redundant........so that gives me about 7 years to find a millionaire and marry him lol.
Trac xx
'Live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten'
nomorepanic
21-10-06, 13:29
Kate
What about finding something that you like doing in that case without Mark.
Hobbies? Going out? joining a group of some sort?
Not sure what to suggest but there must be something you can do alone to fill the time.
People will forget what you said
People will forget what you did
But people will never forget how you made them feel
Nicola
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Kate,
You can come on a SAGA holiday with me and Piglet when we go, but you have to wear your hair in a bun and bring your knitting with you ok mate.
Trac xx
'Live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten'
<div align="right">Originally posted by trac67 - 21 October 2006 : 13:26:22</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
We all have to have a cream handbag with a big clasp on it slung over our forearms - we will delve into these bags and bring out our whole weeks pension right in the middle of the dodgiest areas and then shout who wants an icecream and wave our cash about (well this is what my mum does)!!
Saga it is then!!!! A special saga for anxious folk (bet they will make a documentary about us)! :D:D
Love Piglet xx
Don't forget the woman's weekly magazines and to wear your elasticated pleated skirt and sensible shoes............gosh is this what I have to look forward to in years to come lol
Trac xx
'Live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten'
Wow, a SAGA holiday! That has given me hope that my life might be worth living after all [8D]
I shall book my purple rinse and get my hair "set" in readiness [:X]
Kate x
"Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same"
Hi Kate, I so understand how you are feeling. I am in the same situation at this end. My hubby has always worked nights (well for 12 years anyway) and now the kids are 'sort of' off hand, i thought we would just rekindle where we left off all those years ago?? or maybe not. I am also going through the menopause, so you are only getting one side of this story! He is very much settled in his old ways, but things have changed, especially me, but he still thinks the same, i do try to liven him up, but honestly believe he is having more of a mid-life crisis than me? I have been married for 29 years, and refuse to give up on him, although on many occasions have felt differently. Do what i do lock him in a cupboard, bolt it and have a beer. (not making light darling, cos i do so understand how awful it is) now as for saga holls, dodgy tights, bags etc...you wait until you are my age? piglet and tracey you won't be laughing then!!! (lol) now cream handbag, have bought one of those for my big do for daughters 18th tomorrow, how to upset an old women eh?xxjean
Sue K with 5
21-10-06, 18:37
Hi Kate!
My son left home under very extreme circumstances when he was 16 he is now what the call a man at 19 he thought leaving home and being independant was big and clever and fell flat on his face. But and this is a big but, I was right there to pick him up again and I have always vowed that no matter what I will always be there.
He has made so many silly mistakes and I will always be there to help and guide him but I worry more about him than I do about my 4 year old.
The worry will never stop it will just change. You will probably find he talks to you more now he is moving on than he did when he was at home. My son and I still fight but he knows that if he ever wants to come back to the fol he can.
Thats all you can do reassure and be there. Let him go and watch him bring back his laundry, his sewing oh and pinching food when he comes to visit. You will actually enjoy him much more which may sound strange but once he starts to annoy you, you will hear yourself say, god does not not have his own cupboards to raid.
Let him go and he will always come back
Sue
scknight
my daughter left home and now she's 21 i still worry about her
she has had a rough few years and is just coming out of them i think losing her daughter made her realise a lot of things and although at first she went off the rails she managed to get herself back on her feet and like sue i was there to pick her up
she has a lovely boyfriend and they plan to marry and have kids in the next few years. they are getting a house with a granny room for me so i can stay the night to look after the cats and then later the kids while they go out.
i have no partner so my nest is completely empty kat has decided i need a pet and is getting me a hamster
its nice to know that sometimes she still wants her mom like last week when she had to have a tooth out
netty
the dreams of the future are better than the history of the past
hi kate
if i not mistaken ....at the begining of this post you said your son was going to visit a friend (NOT MOVING OUT) right? So don't worry about him he will be fine and be back home soon !!! But if and when he does move out that a different story (LIKE THE OTHER ONES HAVE POSTED) I have a son that is 30 & a daughter that is 28. They both have left home and i still try and tell them what to do & where to go & how to do things and beleive me they let me know about it also!!!!!!!!So i'm still trying to keep my mouth shut about this to them (LOL HARD !!!!) My daughter has a baby now i i'm now trying to tell her how to raise her!!!!!! Its so hard
to stop this ... i'm doing better now since we had a big fight about it
heidi (judi)
Jean, you are more than welcome to come with us you know lol
Kate, a purple rinse??? oh you fashion victim you lol
Love
Trac xx
'Live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten'
Ohh a holiday can i come as well i need a break. And a saga holiday sounds like alot of (gutted im over the age limit for 18-30) fun. but i do have sensible shoes and a rather fetching cardigan. And kate as hard as it is when your kids grow up its all part of the process of being a mum. Let them go babe and watch them use all the skills you have taught him and be proud in the knowledge that you have done a good job.
Take care babe.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
donna
nomorepanic
22-10-06, 17:14
Can I come too cos I am 40 now and feeling old !!!!
Kate - looks like you have started a new fan club here lol
People will forget what you said
People will forget what you did
But people will never forget how you made them feel
Nicola
was that feeling or looking old Nic lol
Oh at this rate we may get a discount for a block booking lol
Trac xx
'Live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten'
Heidi, you are right, he is only going away for a few days not leaving home.
So, how many signed up for the SAGA trip then now???
Kate
"Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same"
Well, todays the day :( son is going in about an hour.
Daughter has gone to a theme park with her mates, hubby is off sick with food poisoning. I'm going shopping for items that I probably don't need but will make me feel better!
Kate x
"Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same"
(((K)))
He will be back before you know it - meanwhile, yes go and buy lots of unecessary things :D:D:D That's terrible advice isn't it [:I]:D
Just off the subject entirely but I wanted to tell you I have decided to wear ear ****s this winter - what do we all think? :D
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Lol - it won't let me use the word muf*s!!!!!
Lets call them ear warmers then. :D
Piglet xx
depends where you going to wear them I suppose matey LOL
Trac xx
'Live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten'
LOL at the swear filter!
Well, I'm back from shopping! I bought:- 2 pictures for the lounge, 3 Christmas pressies, a new dressing gown, new slippers, some groceries and I got absolutely soaked!
Hannah is at the theme park, silly girl LOL
Kate x
"Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same"
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">depends where you going to wear them I suppose matey LOL
Trac xx
'Live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten'
<div align="right">Originally posted by trac67 - 25 October 2006 : 13:58:39</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Erm - on my ears!!! [:I]:D:D:D:D
Kate that was a good spending day :D:D:D
Love Piglet xx
Hi Kate, good for you a little shopping therapy eh? Your son will be fine, it is only natural too worry, but I think you are doing just great mate!!! One complaint though Kate? What on earth have you started on this thread with these silly peeps? Oh dear, you can't depend on anyone these days can you? Saga holidays as if i am old enough. Dressing like an old fogey, not me...handbags with clasps mmm, maybe? Being serious, this business with kids is so hard, my eldest left home to live with her boyfriend in Feb. my next (24) lives here with his girlfriend, my 18 y.o. (yes, it was on sunday and I did book a meal and go - Phew!) spends most of her time when not at college round her boyfriends, and my 16 y.o. is here...what on earth is my point? oh gosh book that saga holl. obviously having a senior moment. xxxxjean
Awww thanks for the reply, Jean! You always make me laugh :D
I've decided that shopping therapy and planning SAGA holidays are really the only way forward [^] So, it's off for more shopping tomorrow. Well, why else does hubby go out to work, eh??
Kate x
"Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same"
Hi Kate,
I haven't replied on this post before as I'm not a Mum so can't really relate to what you're going through, I can only imagine. However I just wanted to say I am thinking of you. Well done on the retail therapy, sounds like you had a good session!
As for the saga holidays, well I am way too young for those yet but I'll happily come along if there is time for me to get a blue rinse done and find a cream handbag!
Take care,
(((((Hugs)))))
Lisa x
Hi Lisa,
Thanks for the reply.
I seem to have done none stop retail therapy since my son went away [:I]
I also went and met my sis and niece and nephew for lunch today, more money!
I texted son today as he hasn't been in touch since he got there on Wednesday! he is fine and will be home tomorrow :D
Kate x
"Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same"
Hi Kate,
Glad you have managed to keep busy (well retail therapy is distraction isn't it) ;):D.
Glad your son is fine and I bet you can't wait to see him tomorrow.
Well done for coping so well.
Take care,
Lisa x
Yes, I'm really looking forward to seeing him tomorrow but not looking forward to all his washing! he took enough stuff for a fortnight away!
Kate x
"Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same"
Just to let you know I have decided against the ear moffs/warmers - all I can see staring back at me is Princess Leila from Star Wars!!![:I][}:)]:D
Piglet xx
Now thats the most sensible thing you have said in a long time matey lol, but I could actually see you in pink fluffy ear m*ffs and matching hand M*ff hanging around your neck, you could have brought the trend back again.............oh damn no we have to leave the house to become trend setters don't we LOL
Love
Trac xx
'Live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten'
He's home!!! :D
Surprisingly, he didn't get mugged on the train, mugged in Manchester, get too drunk that he didn't know where he was or get into any kind of difficulties whatsoever. These were the scenario's that had happened in MY mind! [:I][:I]
Kate x
"Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same"
Kate - glad he's home safe and sound :D:D:D:D
Bet your purse is too!!
Piglet x
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Great news Kate :D
Lisa x
Hi darling, so glad he had a fab time - as you say those thoughts are in all of our minds when our kids go off anywhere, whatever their ages are, so long as they go and enjoy and cope and return to us i think a big well done is in order - you are a good mummy!!! xxxxJean
nomorepanic
30-10-06, 18:29
Kate
There you go see! All home and safe again and nothing bad happened and it won't next time he goes either.
Hope you feel better now.
People will forget what you said
People will forget what you did
But people will never forget how you made them feel
Nicola
Thanks all for the replies.
Yes Nic, I feel much better now he is home. Til the next time..............[}:)]
kate x
"Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same"
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