Feel so miserable

[KeeKee]

Lately I feel like my life is going absolutely nowhere, my partner does not want to try for a baby, has no interest in getting married and does not even want to share bank accounts. I am suffering with anxiety and depression and therefore unable to work so I never have any money. I feel down all the time and since starting anti-depressants I have gained at least 20lbs. This has added to my moods as I have always been self-conscious but was always slim and healthy. Now I am chubby and tired and miserable.
I really want another baby in the near future but when I mention it to my partner he is passive and if I mention it for longer than a second he becomes angry at me. This makes me feel awful, for one we have been together almost 8 years and have a 6 year old, I really think this is the next thing for us. I am 24 now and don't want to be having my second child in my late 20's and my third in my early 30's. (I want 3 in total). My mam had her youngest at 28 and she said she was exhausted.
I have absolutely no reason to get up in the morning, my life is crap (I would like to emphasise that I am in no way suicidal, have never had any suicidal thoughts and believe I never will).
I am sick of my family too telling me I should get a job or 'only I can make myself better'. Its not like I am asking for their opinion they are just giving me it. I have no enjoyment in anything. I have 1 friend who I keep in contact with but its touch and go whether I get a reply to my texts.
My partner is constantly moaning about money and his job yet he chose to go part time and he is the one not looking for a job.
I am currently doing CBT but after 3 sessions I am no further forward and just dread my appointments due to not doing my homework.
My CBT therapist described my mood as 'flat' and I agree. The other week my daughter fell over and started crying and I felt zero sympathy and was annoyed that my partner petted her up! I belittle my partner all the time because I feel so low in myself. I have lived away from my parents for 5 years and 8 months and STILL don't speak to any of my neighbours. I don't take or collect my daughter from school as I don't like being around strangers. This gets easier in the winter when I can wear a hood up but obviously the Summer comes around every year.
To top it all off I forgot to renew my tax credits this year and had to borrow money for food shopping on Friday and felt beyond disappointed in myself.
My life is a complete shambles and nothing has changed for months and months. I have nobody to talk to and enjoy nothing.

---------- Post added at 13:49 ---------- Previous post was at 11:03 ----------

Nobody will ever understand that I simply cannot 'make my life better'.
I feel like a freak stuck in the house all day with the curtains closed.

[KeeKee]

Feel a little bit better today. Had my CBT yesterday and told her everything. Now I'm just awaiting Thursday's doctors appointment as I have a feeling my medication may be making me worse.

[KeeKee]

Feel horrible again today. My partner has been speaking to me like crap these last few days. He thinks it is funny to 'joke' and make me feel worse.
Don't know how things will ever improve with his teenage-like attitude to life.

---------- Post added at 15:04 ---------- Previous post was at 15:03 ----------

(For those of you wondering - I've decided to make this thread my own little 'blog', something I can look back on and see how things have improved).

[KeeKee]

Had my doctors appointment yesterday feel alto better. He allowed me to discuss quite a few things even my nails again which I must mention everyttime I go! I even discussed my fear of splinter hemorrhages.
We discussed my medication and I did mention my weight gain and he said I will eventually lose it. However, he has now put me on Paroxetine and a COMMON side effect of this is weight gain! Obviously I trust him and will see how it goes but if I gain weight again o think it will be the end of SSRI's for me as this will be the third to cause weight gain.
I also felt a little embarrassed as I mentioned my fears of ovarian cancer based solely on my nausea recently. I also mentioned Endometriosis which he said I do not have.
He was very understanding when I mentioned wanting a baby but knowing I am not quite ready which makes me even more upset. I also said I have had 4 CBT sessions and don't think it's working and he jokingly told me to chill out hehe. So I have a little but more faith in CBT at least for now.

[ElizabethJane]

Sorry you are feeling low at the moment. I cannot comment on the splinter haemorrhages as I have no experience of them. With regard to endometriosis which is difficult to diagnose without an ultrasound scan/ laparoscopy. I had terrible pelvic pain for many years and endo was not diagnosed. The gynae eventually said it could be adenomyosis which is a problem with the womb lining itself. If you and your partner/husband want to get pregnant then the advice from your GP to wait is a good idea. Rather than feeling low about it you could use this time to lose some weight and eat healthily to prepare your body for pregnancy which is incredibly demanding in itself. Asking the GP for some folic acid which will help the developing baby when that time comes. EJ

[cokesmyth5]

I'm so sorry everything feels like it's out of your control at the moment. I think ElizabethJane is right about not trying to get pregnant now. Have you ever thought some relationship counselling might help? I hear that Relate is excellent but they do have waiting lists (what doesn't.)
My anti deps (venlafaxine and a little mirtazapine) made me gain weight - I keep away from scales most of the time, I think a stone. I hate it too but I know I much prefer having the meds do me good which they do and being over weight than slimmer and finding life a real struggle without meds.
Keep posting, it can only help. Things will get better.
Take care

[KeeKee]

Hi,

Thanks for your reply. I do have a daughter and I am not overweight so do not need to lose weight, I am just not happy with medication causing me weight gain as my self esteem is a big issue in my whole depression. The 1 thing that scares me is what if I never overcome this depression? Does that mean I will be unable to have more children? Will having a child really add to my depression? Could it not make things better? Obviously I will not be trying for a child until both my partner and I feel ready but I cannot help but worry about the possibility of never getting better :-(

---------- Post added at 11:40 ---------- Previous post was at 11:31 ----------

Hi cokesmyth, I was on Fluoxetine, then Citalopram and gained a total of 24(ish) lbs. I was really skinny to begin with but that's how I liked myself and as shallow as it is if I knew I'd lose all the weight if I come off the meds, I think I would do that. I am not yet overweight and people don't believe me when I say I am a size 12 but I feel horrible in myself.
My partner won't go to relationship counselling my CBT therapist asked this too.
I know I am only 24 and have plenty of time for a baby, my daughter is 6 and I would hate say a 10 year age gap between them. I think things are getting on top of me lately and that us why I am so upset about the future. It's the 6 week holidays and both money and my anxiety have meant my daughter has been stuck in the house most of the time. She has been to an indoor play area once and outdoor about 3 times (whilst I was in my CBT appointment).
All of my friends are getting engaged, having children or going on holiday and we are doing nothing at all. We can't even afford to go out for the day.

[ElizabethJane]

Thanks for filling in a bit more about your situation. I understand about putting on weight with anti depressants. I put on weight initially with mirtazapine and have shed it all and I'm still on mirtazapine! I understand about your anxiety in having another baby and the age gap between the two.It would be hard if you have anxieties about money and mental health issues. I have one son by IVF and would have loved to have another baby but our circumstances meant that it wasn't to be. I have managed to stabilise my depression and I'm sure you will too. EJ.

[KeeKee]

Thank you. I suppose thats true, I should count myself lucky that I have a child in the first place.
I did try slimming world and lost around 7lbs but it was too hard for me to follow as I have a tendency to comfort eat when I am down (this upset me more as once I felt better my comfort eating subsided yet I still gained weight.) that being said the doctor told me I will lose the weight so I should have faith in him. It's a struggle though because people don't seem to believe me when I say my appearance is what is upsetting me at the moment. I was always confident enough to wear nice clothes and now I would rather wear jogging pants and a t shirt. I hate how I look and this means I can no longer go on nights out, will not go to the beach because seeing people looking nice reduces me to tears. I am constantly on my partners back for looking at other girls and I think I am becoming obsessed with my weight.

---------- Post added at 12:11 ---------- Previous post was at 12:07 ----------

It is also a comfort knowing you have stabilised your depression. A friend of mine said at one point it was a struggle for her to not think about wanting to die, now she has been good for 2 years.
Hearing you both say those things gives me faith. I have however had depression for almost 7 years now and that is why I can no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel. However you are both proof that can happen.
I have health anxiety at the moment anyway, so could only imagine how much a pregnancy would impact that. I was 17 when I fell pregnant with my daughter, I am a different person now and need to learn to accept that. Things will not necessarily be as easy as they were then.

[ElizabethJane]

I think that it easy when feeling depressed to think that your situation will never change - it will. If you are not over weight then try to put that on the back burner for a while. Do you have a garden or somewhere where you could meet with other Mums over a coffee? If it is in your or someone else's house then it is free? It is difficult to have nothing to dress up for. I always think of the Stones song 'Paint it Black' It is the depression talking. Things will get better EJ

[Sparkle1984]

The important thing to remember is that it's not the content of the thoughts that's important. They're just a decoy. It's the depression that's causing the thoughts. So, there is actually nothing wrong with your weight or the way you look. Even if you did manage to become skinny, the depression wouldn't be satisfied, and it may move on to picking on another aspect of your life or body instead.Being underweight can be just as bad as being overweight. You are already the ideal weight, so you have nothing to worry about in that respect. I remember reading somewhere that the average size of a woman in the UK is 14 to 16.

So the way to deal with this is to challenge the negative thoughts and to work on your low self esteem. In the link in my signature, I have links to several free workbooks about self esteem.

[KeeKee]

Thanks guys. I don't know why my weight is such a big deal. I'm in q long-term relationship right now so it's not like I have anyone to impress (other than my partner of course:))
When I was first diagnosed with depression I was slim so I know losing weight won't cure it, however the more my weight is increasing the worse I am feeling. I have never felt as low as I have been lately.
I turned yesterday though and today I feel fine except a little scared due to feeling nauseous for a while now, but that's my anxiety kicking in not my depression.

[KeeKee]

Had a few decent days, not good - not bad. Really tired though maybe due to feeling so low recently. Can't stop worrying about gaining weight though.
I'm starting to feel really unattractive which I know should be the least of my worries but considering I am insecure as it is, I feel like my partner will be no longer attracted to be and more likely to 'wander off'. He says he is still attracted to me but I look so different to when we first met.

---------- Post added at 10:14 ---------- Previous post was at 10:14 ----------

Also my nausea seems to have subsided. So I can stop worrying about ovarian cancer.

[KeeKee]

Had a few more decent days again. I still feel easily irritated but am not worrying so much about having another child in the near future, I feel more relaxed in regards to that.
I'm a little worried about finding a job as I still don't feel able to work but we are really broke at the moment so I feel I have no choice, not looking forward to that.