GBFast
19-08-13, 19:26
This is my first post on the forum and the title is a fair summary of my current trauma. It is also the first time I have discussed it all 'publically', aside from my sister and (in some cases so-called) medical professionals. So, even if this is fairly anonymous, it's not easy for me, but I guess we are all troubled in some way, so I am among 'friends'.
I decided to join this forum because, while here, I am distracted from my seemingly dire predicament.
I am single and gay, not fully 'out', though closest family and some friends know (and others assume, I'm sure!). I have a background of relatively mild anxiety issues, but including a few troubling panic attacks, which have generally been short-lived and (apparently) successfully treated. I also have phobias about heights, including bridges, due to a genuine near-death experience 15 years ago.
While abroad, in June, I went to a gay club, where the drink was flowing, and had some form of sex while I was there. I know that much, and also know that I contracted gonorrhea (in my penis). I know I had oral sex performed on me, but cannot remember if there was more (I fear there was). I didn't blackout, I just don't quite remember all that happened.
The gonorrhea was confirmed when I got home, and treated. I was also screened for other STDs and asked to return later in the year for further precautionary screening.
Four weeks later, while abroad again, I took ill with sudden diarrhoea, sweats, night sweats, loss of energy and appetite, etc. Some of these symptoms have persisted, now 11 weeks later. You can guess what i am thinking ....
I plucked-up the courage to get an HIV test (a modern, sensitive one at the local NHS GUM Clinic) on 15 July, 42 days after the risky encounter, and prepared for the worst. Later that day, I was told it was negative, I was flabbergasted, but perked-up a bit.
But, then I thought about the troubling symptoms, many of these continuing, and grew increasingly anxious and agitated again, until I broke-down during an appointment with my GP.
He did a thorough physical exam, further blood tests for possible causes, and a second HIV test (done at the same GUM Clinic), 51 days after the exposure. This, too, was negative, and should have been very reassuring. Certainly, my GP says he is sure I do not have HIV and have severe, acute anxiety.
As the time has gone on, my anxiety has worsened, with several trips to A&E, mental health assessments, and an increasingly depressed state.
The more reassurance I have had about not having HIV, the more I am convinced that the symptoms trump what the tests and medical people (they never want to say 100% about anything) have said. I am also increasingly troubled by flashbacks to the place where it happened and the detail (or lack of it) is torturing me - it seems to me like a form of PTSD. These dominate my thoughts as much as the HIV risk, especially when I close my eyes. No doubt there are also feelings of guilt, remorse, wanting to turn the clock back, a loss of self-control, etc, etc.
My anxiety has become increasingly coupled with a deep depression, and not thinking straight - not wanting to die, but apathetic and feeling like I am not in control of my thoughts.
I stayed with my sister and her family for two weeks, as they felt I should not be alone, but I felt particularly troubled last week and worried that I was getting out of control. My family took me to hospital but, because I did not have a specific plan to kill myself, they sent me home, in a taxi, at 3.30am.
Since then, I have been surviving day-to-day, alone, welcoming dusk, a sleeping pill, the relief that some sleep brings, and then dreading the dawn. I don't feel I want to be with the people who would allow me to stay with them because I worry what I might do (I would hope I wouldn't do it, but the morbid thoughts involving hazardous objects, etc, are SO troubling).
I have never felt, and nor could I ever have imagined myself, in such a dark place, even if it has been of my own making (but with my genetics playing their part).
Quite honestly, and it's a horrible thing to have to admit, I think I should be in a place of safety for a while, but the people who assess these things seem to think I have demonstrated that I can keep myself safe, despite the tortuous existence, and that attending things like relaxation classes and listening to relaxation tapes is the answer.
I really don't know where to turn or what to, but I am sure that one or some of you can relate to some of this, and thank you for reading and look-forward to seeing what (if anything) you can say.
As I said, it's therapeutic - and a distraction (of sorts) from my own ruminating.
Thank you for 'listening' to my rant - that's my story that's brought me here.
G.:weep:
I decided to join this forum because, while here, I am distracted from my seemingly dire predicament.
I am single and gay, not fully 'out', though closest family and some friends know (and others assume, I'm sure!). I have a background of relatively mild anxiety issues, but including a few troubling panic attacks, which have generally been short-lived and (apparently) successfully treated. I also have phobias about heights, including bridges, due to a genuine near-death experience 15 years ago.
While abroad, in June, I went to a gay club, where the drink was flowing, and had some form of sex while I was there. I know that much, and also know that I contracted gonorrhea (in my penis). I know I had oral sex performed on me, but cannot remember if there was more (I fear there was). I didn't blackout, I just don't quite remember all that happened.
The gonorrhea was confirmed when I got home, and treated. I was also screened for other STDs and asked to return later in the year for further precautionary screening.
Four weeks later, while abroad again, I took ill with sudden diarrhoea, sweats, night sweats, loss of energy and appetite, etc. Some of these symptoms have persisted, now 11 weeks later. You can guess what i am thinking ....
I plucked-up the courage to get an HIV test (a modern, sensitive one at the local NHS GUM Clinic) on 15 July, 42 days after the risky encounter, and prepared for the worst. Later that day, I was told it was negative, I was flabbergasted, but perked-up a bit.
But, then I thought about the troubling symptoms, many of these continuing, and grew increasingly anxious and agitated again, until I broke-down during an appointment with my GP.
He did a thorough physical exam, further blood tests for possible causes, and a second HIV test (done at the same GUM Clinic), 51 days after the exposure. This, too, was negative, and should have been very reassuring. Certainly, my GP says he is sure I do not have HIV and have severe, acute anxiety.
As the time has gone on, my anxiety has worsened, with several trips to A&E, mental health assessments, and an increasingly depressed state.
The more reassurance I have had about not having HIV, the more I am convinced that the symptoms trump what the tests and medical people (they never want to say 100% about anything) have said. I am also increasingly troubled by flashbacks to the place where it happened and the detail (or lack of it) is torturing me - it seems to me like a form of PTSD. These dominate my thoughts as much as the HIV risk, especially when I close my eyes. No doubt there are also feelings of guilt, remorse, wanting to turn the clock back, a loss of self-control, etc, etc.
My anxiety has become increasingly coupled with a deep depression, and not thinking straight - not wanting to die, but apathetic and feeling like I am not in control of my thoughts.
I stayed with my sister and her family for two weeks, as they felt I should not be alone, but I felt particularly troubled last week and worried that I was getting out of control. My family took me to hospital but, because I did not have a specific plan to kill myself, they sent me home, in a taxi, at 3.30am.
Since then, I have been surviving day-to-day, alone, welcoming dusk, a sleeping pill, the relief that some sleep brings, and then dreading the dawn. I don't feel I want to be with the people who would allow me to stay with them because I worry what I might do (I would hope I wouldn't do it, but the morbid thoughts involving hazardous objects, etc, are SO troubling).
I have never felt, and nor could I ever have imagined myself, in such a dark place, even if it has been of my own making (but with my genetics playing their part).
Quite honestly, and it's a horrible thing to have to admit, I think I should be in a place of safety for a while, but the people who assess these things seem to think I have demonstrated that I can keep myself safe, despite the tortuous existence, and that attending things like relaxation classes and listening to relaxation tapes is the answer.
I really don't know where to turn or what to, but I am sure that one or some of you can relate to some of this, and thank you for reading and look-forward to seeing what (if anything) you can say.
As I said, it's therapeutic - and a distraction (of sorts) from my own ruminating.
Thank you for 'listening' to my rant - that's my story that's brought me here.
G.:weep: