W.I.F.T.S.
20-10-06, 09:04
At this moment I'm feeling ok. I know that I'm not better and that I will still have plenty of bad days. I'm feeling like I did in the months leading up to my breakdown. I have depression like its flu, but I don't feel in the pit of despair.
I've spmehow got to find the money to do my football coaching course in december, but once I'm into that it should hopefully open up a whole new lease of life for me because I'll always have the next qualification to aim for and there will be constant challenges, excitement, travel, learning, opportunities....
I've always felt like I needed to do a job that was different from the 'norm' and I really do feel like I've found it atlast. Maybe now that that part of my life has some direction I can start to relax? Ofcourse in the past I've felt depressed because my life has been so uncertain. Where have I been going? What have I been working towards? Once I decided to stop persuing tv work (because it wasn't paying), everything dose dived for me. I'm still very cautious however, because it all seems too easy and perfect. Go on a 4 day course and there is loads of work available at £15ph!? If I work 20 hours a week I've near enough matched my earnings from my previous job! Don't complicate things, go for it!!
Anyway, my point is that I can imagine getting into football coaching and my confidence and self-esteem come right up, I relax, I'm optimistic, my comfort zone expands and I'm able to travel much further a field... my concern is that I'll get there and I'll start to panic. I suppose this is classic, really, not wanting to relax and do things in case it leaves me exposed and vulnerable to bad things happening.
What I need to remember is that it's far better to have all that good time not worrying about what might happen, than to spend it all worrying because what will happen, will happen and I won't cope with it any better by worrying.
I tell you though, it is great to arrive at a point where I think "Right, I want to do my level 1 coaching badge in december, my level 2 in february, I know that there's work there, then I can work towards my level 3 and maybe do teacher training, and I'd like to do some additional study in sports psychology and I could probably even use those qualifications to get on to a masters course...plus I'm interested in picking up other skills.......".
I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but I've spent so long drifting and doing dead end jobs that it feels great to have purpose. Like I said though, it seems like I'm predisposed to depression and anxiety and it's something that I'm going to have to manage, but that might not neccesarily ever go away. It's just scary that I might travel really far feeling confident and have a bad panic attack.
I suppose I've got to say to myself that I'm building my support network, I'm learning about myself and I'm going to try and proactively relax to keep it in check, so hopefully it won't bother me too much again.
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.
I've spmehow got to find the money to do my football coaching course in december, but once I'm into that it should hopefully open up a whole new lease of life for me because I'll always have the next qualification to aim for and there will be constant challenges, excitement, travel, learning, opportunities....
I've always felt like I needed to do a job that was different from the 'norm' and I really do feel like I've found it atlast. Maybe now that that part of my life has some direction I can start to relax? Ofcourse in the past I've felt depressed because my life has been so uncertain. Where have I been going? What have I been working towards? Once I decided to stop persuing tv work (because it wasn't paying), everything dose dived for me. I'm still very cautious however, because it all seems too easy and perfect. Go on a 4 day course and there is loads of work available at £15ph!? If I work 20 hours a week I've near enough matched my earnings from my previous job! Don't complicate things, go for it!!
Anyway, my point is that I can imagine getting into football coaching and my confidence and self-esteem come right up, I relax, I'm optimistic, my comfort zone expands and I'm able to travel much further a field... my concern is that I'll get there and I'll start to panic. I suppose this is classic, really, not wanting to relax and do things in case it leaves me exposed and vulnerable to bad things happening.
What I need to remember is that it's far better to have all that good time not worrying about what might happen, than to spend it all worrying because what will happen, will happen and I won't cope with it any better by worrying.
I tell you though, it is great to arrive at a point where I think "Right, I want to do my level 1 coaching badge in december, my level 2 in february, I know that there's work there, then I can work towards my level 3 and maybe do teacher training, and I'd like to do some additional study in sports psychology and I could probably even use those qualifications to get on to a masters course...plus I'm interested in picking up other skills.......".
I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but I've spent so long drifting and doing dead end jobs that it feels great to have purpose. Like I said though, it seems like I'm predisposed to depression and anxiety and it's something that I'm going to have to manage, but that might not neccesarily ever go away. It's just scary that I might travel really far feeling confident and have a bad panic attack.
I suppose I've got to say to myself that I'm building my support network, I'm learning about myself and I'm going to try and proactively relax to keep it in check, so hopefully it won't bother me too much again.
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.