Lack of routine and self-esteem issues

[NE21 worrier]

Hello everyone,

Apologies for not posting more often and sorry this is a long one. Perhaps I should have still been posting as I have still lurked as a reader on this site as my situation has remained quite regular at the moment in that my anxiety levels are about the same.

Of course, that in itself is not a bad thing as life is thankfully tolerable at the moment - I am working full-time and have had active social life, and I am aware thanks to the Anxiety Goddess that is Claire Weekes on how to avoid panic.

However, I am perhaps fortunate that I have faced few real challenges outside of my usual routine since my holiday in June and yet, the next time something comes up (e.g. going to Prague for my 30th in September), I know I will still have a fundamental lack of self-belief that I will not be able to cope, potentially causing panic if I react to the "second fear".

By the way, I have now begun CBT sessions with an NHS practitioner and, gladly, my therapist seems to have a good grasp on the fact that my anxiety derives from a lack of self-esteem.

"I don't believe I can do it" sadly still remains my maxim in life to any perceived challenge. So that, on the day, I feel that the challenge (e.g. going into work, going away from home) must be grimly met rather than seen as something I can do and/or an opportunity, even if I do see it as an opportunity when the plan is first mooted.

Worse still, this has also affected my home-life and especially my morning routine. Though I have lived out before (and struggled), I currently live at home with my parents, and so I am still very mothered, and do little for myself around the house.

I admit that I don't know how to cook properly and my mum even provides a packed lunch for work (as she does for my dad), accepting her role as a housewife with little or no complaint, though she works part-time also herself. I guess some of my anxiety stems from the fact that I feel guilty about this and, while I will always be her baby boy to her, I personally do not want to feel like a baby.

Finally, my morning routine is almost non-existent as I feel that this is when I am at my most anxious as I face the challenge of the day ahead. Eventually, I will drag my heavy anxious tummy out of bed, enjoy a cat's lick for a wash if I am lucky (don't worry, I do shower!), and sometimes use mouthwash if I remember.

I never brush my teeth nowadays as, when I last did, I had a problem with gagging as my anxiety seems to result in acid reflux. I don't have breakfast at home - again, I fear I would gag if I tried to rush it - and so my first food is usually an apple and a banana on first break at work at approx 10.30.

With me still being quite early on my therapy sessions, my task this week is to consider short-term and long-term goals to achieve through the therapy. As you can see from reading, I consider that I have quite a good grasp on what my issues are but, obviously, solving them is another matter.

I don't just want to write "I want to feel my confident and believe in myself" as it's a bit wooly and, as far as I am aware, goal-setting should always be measurable. Any ideas of specific stuff I should be putting down? Any responses will be much appreciated.

Thanks for reading,
Peter:)

[phil6]

Hi Peter,
I can certainly empathise with the "I don't beleive I can do it" thought.
My anxiety is very much like yours.... Difficult in the mornings and mainly anticipation. It sounds like you cope very well, given the doubts that you bombard yourself with, and are achieving carrying on with life whilst coping with anxiety... You need to pat yourself on the back for this. There a lot of new therapies out there these days and the good news is that they do not conflict in any way with the teachings of Claire Weeks. I would suggest you take a look at ACT, which is the latest form of mindfulness. ACT stands for Acceptance Commitment Therapy, and might help with your continued work with acceptance which most of us find difficult. It also challenges your belief that you have low self esteem, and has some new ideas on setting goals. It is very much about giving up the struggle and living in the moment, and like I say reinforces many of Claire Weekes teachings.
Keep going mate... You are doing the right things.
Phil

[NE21 worrier]

Thanks for the reply, Phil - it's much appreciated.

Things are really starting to get on top of me this week and today was another tough day at work :mad:

Stupidly, I 'volunteered' for the good of the business to bring my shift forward an hour (8am start) so that I could get an early finish (4pm) but my mind chatter just would not shut off last night and I had a horrible ringing in both of my ears. I did drop off eventually and I am not sure exactly how much sleep I go but woke up really tired.

For readers who do not know, I work in a Contact Centre on the Tax Credits Helpline - it's really busy at the moment as we're just past the renewal deadline and the claims are being stopped for those who did not renew on time. This means there are plenty of irritated callers at the moment whose money has been stopped (although they are often at fault for letting it lapse) and so I am finding the calls more difficult to handle than usual and thus my call time has spiralled up.

In turn, this has an effect on the team call handing time and today we had a mini team meeting for 10 minutes which was basically a rollocking as some people "aren't pulling their weight". In fairness to the TL, she did not point out anyone individual for poor 'performance' but I know that I have one of the higher call times.

At the same time, I take great pride in my work, I probably should take less if they want me to work more quickly and just fob people off like other advisors do. And so, with difficult calls and occasional abuse on the line, and the reinforcement that I am not doing my job well enough off the line, it's probably little wonder that I suffer from low self-esteem and my anxiety has increased.

Although I am not in panic mode, I have spent/wasted the last two evenings in bed on the computer and watching the television as I am too exhausted to do anything else. I've also felt I've had to have naps when I've come in from work. Even as I type, my chest feels particularly tight and sensitised and this has had an effect on my eating. I just ate a snack last night (a banana and a mousse) rather than a proper evening meal, and I have yet to manage anything tonight yet...

Of course, ultimately, a job is a job and they are hard to come by at the moment and thus should not be easily given up IMO. Indeed, I had done well to return to work after two months off with anxiety following a nightmare change to my line of business earlier in the year. I also know it is not an impossible job because I go in there most days and do the work, albeit slower than my department would like.

But it can't be good for me feeling like this, surely. I just feel as if I'm never fully desensitised and I'm just waiting for my next dragon to slay...