Fresh Start but feel hollow need real help.

[HymnSpace]

Hi all,

I'm a new member and will try to keep things brief. I have a history of depression/anxiety (about 12 years) and am currently on 40mg citalopram and 0.5mg clonazepam (for night twitching which keeps my partner awake at night).

For as long as I have known I am unable to live in the present and cant just 'be'. I feel no highs at all and have little excitement for anything. I have had a tough year work wise but my partner and I have now got a brilliant fresh start to look forward to which involves moving into a brand new house and we have just had our first baby (1 week old).

Despite all of this fantastic positive stuff going on in my life I constantly feel hollow and have a dull ache in my chest. I don't feel a connection with my son and have no real excitement about being a dad despite being really excited about the whole thing during my partners pregnancy.

I am so sick and tired of feeling like this, especially when I know that other peoples circumstances are worse. I just cannot live in the moment and feel flat all the time. Why cant I feel anything? Why do I not get any highs?

It has been a while since I saw a counsellor and I wondered if that would be a good idea as I really don't want this fresh start to go wrong. I also don't want to make an issue of it to anyone so that it does not worry people (this makes me feel ten times worse when others are aware).

I am the kind of person that nobody would imagine had these problems. I have started having distressing thoughts about suicide - along the lines of if it did not affect anybody around me then I would quite happily end my life. This is not right is it? New baby? Fresh start and those thoughts are milling around my head?

I don't know what to do. I am functioning through life and nobody is the wiser but I want to sort myself out quickly.

As a side note, I'm not really getting much benefit from my meds but read that going any higher than 40 mg citalopram is not a good idea?

Thanks for your replies in advance.

[cokesmyth5]

hymnspace
I too have a history of depression/anxiety which started with post natal dep. I am not at all surprised you feel the way you do about your son at the moment. Coping with how you're feeling takes all your resources and a new baby (esp the first) is an enormous shock to both parents' symptoms, well or unwell. you are doing your best right now.
I think you need to see your GP straightaway because it really doesn't sound as if your current meds are working well enough for you. Maybe it's time for a referral to a specialist?
There is a way forward, I firmly believe that; it can take far too long but you've come to the right place for people who understand completely. Take care

[HymnSpace]

Thanks for the reply. It is such a horrible feeling when everybody is telling me how exciting everything is. I can see exactly why they say this yet I still have a hollow ache in my chest. I cant remember the last time I actually enjoyed life. It's been so long now that I just conform to the needs of others. This year alone has seen me pretty much having to do as much as possible to improve things for others. I just feel like an empty shell and don't really feel I have an identity anymore.

What do you mean by a specialist? More than CBT counselling?

Cheers

[jackie13]

Hi Hun

Sorry to hear you are not to good at the moment:(

Lots of things are going on in your life at the moment. I have been on and off Cit for ages, I too sonetimes feel like you so lowered my dose to 20mg. My Doc told me that any SsRIs keep you on one level not high or low, maybe could be the meds?

Jackie xx