hadenough
24-08-13, 16:43
Me again, sorry to those who Im starting to annoy. Ive decided to list everything I can think of, was going to do it on a sheet of paper but decided to do it here so that I can also get others' opinions.
Over the last year - lost my dad 12 months ago, died unexpectedly in hospital while getting ready for discharge. Still struggling with that one. Have had to take on responsibility for mum as she is 85 and unwell. Feel responsible for her all the time and she constantly phones when there are problems. In May mum suffered a stroke and was in hospital for 3 weeks and since then hasnt been the same and its been very stressful. 3 weekis ago she collapsed and was rushed into hospital, turned out to be low sodium and potassium and, because she is diabetic, they couldnt regulate her blood sugars so this resulted in another 2 week stay in hospital.
I have a younger brother who seems to think that everything is down to me and does virtually nothing to help.
Youngest daughter is in a relationship which causes problems and she phones me when things goes wrong so am constantly on edge about that.
In April we made a decision to sell our house and mums and buy somewhere together. Found first house in May which fell through followed by a second one which also fell through. Found the third one in June which is still going through the process and has been anything but straightforward. We have buyers for ours but the person we are buying from has been less than helpful and has held things up. Still dont know when it will all be finalised.
I retired last month from a job which helped to keep me sane as it got me out of the house 3 days a week and occupied my mind. Now I am at home all day unless Im seeing mum or shopping etc. Hubby is also retiring next week so our finances will take a huge tumble.
I have panicked about my health for as long as I can remember and always think the worst, cant even phone for blood test results as Im scared they will say the doctor needs to see you so always have to have an appointment to see the gp face to face. I did have a full set of bloods done in April and they were all fine.
I apologise for the next bit because Ive already posted about it but wanted to get the whole story down.
4 weeks ago today I started a bad bout of diarrhoea which just didnt clear up. I had been losing weight over the last year anyway but hadnt been worried because I had started eating a lot less than I used to but since this bout of D the weight just fell off me. Anyway the panic attacks started, crippling panic attacks where I felt that I was going to die. It ended up with a phone call to the gp where she said I needed to change my anti-depressants as they obviously werent working and she told me to wean myself off the ones I was on and then start the new ones.
About 10 days ago I couldnt cope with the panic any more and struggled round to the gp, I was in full blown panic and they sat me in the staff room with a glass of water and asked one of the doctors to see me. He put me on propranalol and diazepam and told me to take a lower dose of the old anti-depressant for a week and then start the new one immediately without a break. As far as the D went, he said if it lasted 6 weeks then it would mean a camera down the throat.
I already had an appointment with my own gp booked for a week after that which was last wed. I went along and she said that the weight loss I was freaking about was obviously due to lack of appetite and the D due to anxiety but said she knew I wouldnt believe her so said she was sending me for blood tests for cancer of the stomach, bowel and pancreas. As soon as she said the word I started sweating and she said that somehow she had to get me out of my thought process and this was the only way to do it.
I went for the blood tests on the same day but now have to wait for the results which is crippling me to say the least. I keep going over in my mind when I go for the results and she tells me its bad news. I was also really stupid and looked up what each of the blood tests were for. They are all tests to diagnose cancer and one of them was for ovarian cancer which she hadnt mentioned to me so then started driving myself mad over why she hadnt told me that.
Anyway, apart from the sheer panic Im in waiting for the results, I also feel completely spaced out. Im assuming that Im withdrawing from the previous Anti-D and also getting the effects from the new one. Yesterday I couldnt sleep at all, was just too wound up. Slept for a few hours last night but today all Ive wanted to do is sleep. Im exhausted, I have no energy, no appetite. Im trying to eat small amounts but have already let my brain convince me that even if I do put on a bit of weight it wont be because Im getting better it will be because the new anti-d im taking has weight gain as one of the side effects so any weight gain wont mean i havent got the dreaded C but will be caused by the new meds.
My god, its such a long post and I bet Ive still missed something out but at least its all down in black and white. I am a complete mess, I dont feel like me and I cant see anything positive on the horizon. My biggest fear has always been finding out I have a terminal illness and my brain is telling me that this fear may be about to become a reality.
Over the last year - lost my dad 12 months ago, died unexpectedly in hospital while getting ready for discharge. Still struggling with that one. Have had to take on responsibility for mum as she is 85 and unwell. Feel responsible for her all the time and she constantly phones when there are problems. In May mum suffered a stroke and was in hospital for 3 weeks and since then hasnt been the same and its been very stressful. 3 weekis ago she collapsed and was rushed into hospital, turned out to be low sodium and potassium and, because she is diabetic, they couldnt regulate her blood sugars so this resulted in another 2 week stay in hospital.
I have a younger brother who seems to think that everything is down to me and does virtually nothing to help.
Youngest daughter is in a relationship which causes problems and she phones me when things goes wrong so am constantly on edge about that.
In April we made a decision to sell our house and mums and buy somewhere together. Found first house in May which fell through followed by a second one which also fell through. Found the third one in June which is still going through the process and has been anything but straightforward. We have buyers for ours but the person we are buying from has been less than helpful and has held things up. Still dont know when it will all be finalised.
I retired last month from a job which helped to keep me sane as it got me out of the house 3 days a week and occupied my mind. Now I am at home all day unless Im seeing mum or shopping etc. Hubby is also retiring next week so our finances will take a huge tumble.
I have panicked about my health for as long as I can remember and always think the worst, cant even phone for blood test results as Im scared they will say the doctor needs to see you so always have to have an appointment to see the gp face to face. I did have a full set of bloods done in April and they were all fine.
I apologise for the next bit because Ive already posted about it but wanted to get the whole story down.
4 weeks ago today I started a bad bout of diarrhoea which just didnt clear up. I had been losing weight over the last year anyway but hadnt been worried because I had started eating a lot less than I used to but since this bout of D the weight just fell off me. Anyway the panic attacks started, crippling panic attacks where I felt that I was going to die. It ended up with a phone call to the gp where she said I needed to change my anti-depressants as they obviously werent working and she told me to wean myself off the ones I was on and then start the new ones.
About 10 days ago I couldnt cope with the panic any more and struggled round to the gp, I was in full blown panic and they sat me in the staff room with a glass of water and asked one of the doctors to see me. He put me on propranalol and diazepam and told me to take a lower dose of the old anti-depressant for a week and then start the new one immediately without a break. As far as the D went, he said if it lasted 6 weeks then it would mean a camera down the throat.
I already had an appointment with my own gp booked for a week after that which was last wed. I went along and she said that the weight loss I was freaking about was obviously due to lack of appetite and the D due to anxiety but said she knew I wouldnt believe her so said she was sending me for blood tests for cancer of the stomach, bowel and pancreas. As soon as she said the word I started sweating and she said that somehow she had to get me out of my thought process and this was the only way to do it.
I went for the blood tests on the same day but now have to wait for the results which is crippling me to say the least. I keep going over in my mind when I go for the results and she tells me its bad news. I was also really stupid and looked up what each of the blood tests were for. They are all tests to diagnose cancer and one of them was for ovarian cancer which she hadnt mentioned to me so then started driving myself mad over why she hadnt told me that.
Anyway, apart from the sheer panic Im in waiting for the results, I also feel completely spaced out. Im assuming that Im withdrawing from the previous Anti-D and also getting the effects from the new one. Yesterday I couldnt sleep at all, was just too wound up. Slept for a few hours last night but today all Ive wanted to do is sleep. Im exhausted, I have no energy, no appetite. Im trying to eat small amounts but have already let my brain convince me that even if I do put on a bit of weight it wont be because Im getting better it will be because the new anti-d im taking has weight gain as one of the side effects so any weight gain wont mean i havent got the dreaded C but will be caused by the new meds.
My god, its such a long post and I bet Ive still missed something out but at least its all down in black and white. I am a complete mess, I dont feel like me and I cant see anything positive on the horizon. My biggest fear has always been finding out I have a terminal illness and my brain is telling me that this fear may be about to become a reality.