cpe1978
30-08-13, 10:22
Hi Everyone, I realise that there is little people here can do to reassure me, but I hope you don't mind me getting this off my chest rather the burdening my poor wife and being useless to my kids.
I started suffering with anxiety about 7years ago when I was 27. At that time I developed an obsession with my appearance and picked away at it like a scab until I broke, went to the GP got some drugs and felt a bit better for a while. This has been the cycle of the past 7 years.
Ever since I had my children I have developed health anxiety. I believe, borne out of the fact that my dad wasn't around much and I can't bear the thought of not being there for my kids. Over the past few years my fears have mostly related to cancer, but also motor neurone disease (I am distantly related to Stephen Hawking - silly rationale I know), my tinnitus and many other things besides.
Today I just feel exhausted - I visited my dad in Devon this weekend and found out that when he was my age he had kidney cancer. As usual - hit google - and have now utterly convinced myself that not only is it hereditary but moreover I have it, and the other symptoms I experience (likely related to anxiety) are signs of secondary spread. My brain completely ignores the fact that my father smoked heavily for 25 years before being diagnosed and he also worked in a dockyard for 10years in the 60s which has the highest rate of asbestos related cancers in the UK. I have no idea whether either of these things can pose any problems so early for him.
Tomorrow is my 35th birthday and I hate having another one where I feel so low and obsessive. Ironically my biggest fear is not for myself (I actually don't have a big fear of dying) but of the impact me being terminally ill would have on the people I love so much.
I want to give my kids the best of everything - I love them and my wife so much. But for the past few years I function at so far below what I can.
I am doing CBT but I don't know how to get past these latest fears which one moment I can rationalise but then the next moment get consumed by the logic of - if he had it young then so will I, I find myself almost living as if I am Ill. I am so reluctant to hassle my doctor for tests for two reasons, firstly I work for the NHS nationally so know what these things cost and secondly because I suspect that no number of tests will satisfy me as my brain moves onto the next worry.
My biggest fear though is missing something and kicking myself later for putting it all down to anxiety.
Brains are frustrating places aren't they!
Sorry for the lengthy ramble.
I started suffering with anxiety about 7years ago when I was 27. At that time I developed an obsession with my appearance and picked away at it like a scab until I broke, went to the GP got some drugs and felt a bit better for a while. This has been the cycle of the past 7 years.
Ever since I had my children I have developed health anxiety. I believe, borne out of the fact that my dad wasn't around much and I can't bear the thought of not being there for my kids. Over the past few years my fears have mostly related to cancer, but also motor neurone disease (I am distantly related to Stephen Hawking - silly rationale I know), my tinnitus and many other things besides.
Today I just feel exhausted - I visited my dad in Devon this weekend and found out that when he was my age he had kidney cancer. As usual - hit google - and have now utterly convinced myself that not only is it hereditary but moreover I have it, and the other symptoms I experience (likely related to anxiety) are signs of secondary spread. My brain completely ignores the fact that my father smoked heavily for 25 years before being diagnosed and he also worked in a dockyard for 10years in the 60s which has the highest rate of asbestos related cancers in the UK. I have no idea whether either of these things can pose any problems so early for him.
Tomorrow is my 35th birthday and I hate having another one where I feel so low and obsessive. Ironically my biggest fear is not for myself (I actually don't have a big fear of dying) but of the impact me being terminally ill would have on the people I love so much.
I want to give my kids the best of everything - I love them and my wife so much. But for the past few years I function at so far below what I can.
I am doing CBT but I don't know how to get past these latest fears which one moment I can rationalise but then the next moment get consumed by the logic of - if he had it young then so will I, I find myself almost living as if I am Ill. I am so reluctant to hassle my doctor for tests for two reasons, firstly I work for the NHS nationally so know what these things cost and secondly because I suspect that no number of tests will satisfy me as my brain moves onto the next worry.
My biggest fear though is missing something and kicking myself later for putting it all down to anxiety.
Brains are frustrating places aren't they!
Sorry for the lengthy ramble.