This is eating me up

[cpe1978]

Hi Everyone, I realise that there is little people here can do to reassure me, but I hope you don't mind me getting this off my chest rather the burdening my poor wife and being useless to my kids.

I started suffering with anxiety about 7years ago when I was 27. At that time I developed an obsession with my appearance and picked away at it like a scab until I broke, went to the GP got some drugs and felt a bit better for a while. This has been the cycle of the past 7 years.

Ever since I had my children I have developed health anxiety. I believe, borne out of the fact that my dad wasn't around much and I can't bear the thought of not being there for my kids. Over the past few years my fears have mostly related to cancer, but also motor neurone disease (I am distantly related to Stephen Hawking - silly rationale I know), my tinnitus and many other things besides.

Today I just feel exhausted - I visited my dad in Devon this weekend and found out that when he was my age he had kidney cancer. As usual - hit google - and have now utterly convinced myself that not only is it hereditary but moreover I have it, and the other symptoms I experience (likely related to anxiety) are signs of secondary spread. My brain completely ignores the fact that my father smoked heavily for 25 years before being diagnosed and he also worked in a dockyard for 10years in the 60s which has the highest rate of asbestos related cancers in the UK. I have no idea whether either of these things can pose any problems so early for him.

Tomorrow is my 35th birthday and I hate having another one where I feel so low and obsessive. Ironically my biggest fear is not for myself (I actually don't have a big fear of dying) but of the impact me being terminally ill would have on the people I love so much.

I want to give my kids the best of everything - I love them and my wife so much. But for the past few years I function at so far below what I can.

I am doing CBT but I don't know how to get past these latest fears which one moment I can rationalise but then the next moment get consumed by the logic of - if he had it young then so will I, I find myself almost living as if I am Ill. I am so reluctant to hassle my doctor for tests for two reasons, firstly I work for the NHS nationally so know what these things cost and secondly because I suspect that no number of tests will satisfy me as my brain moves onto the next worry.

My biggest fear though is missing something and kicking myself later for putting it all down to anxiety.

Brains are frustrating places aren't they!

Sorry for the lengthy ramble.

[elizathorn]

First of all, you should never feel that you are a burden to your wife or useless to your kids. These are people that love you and you should instead focus on the positives of your relationships. My partner suffers with HA and she frequently apologises for being a 'burden' but that's not how I feel, and I'd much rather she focus on having positive experiences with me than feeling guilty or negative about when things are bad for her.
I know that you are concerned about there being something wrong with you, but consider the fact that your Dad had the dreaded c word - and he's still with you now. Being ill doesn't mean being unable to be there for your children. Furthermore, you mention that your father had several serious risk factors for it that you personally have not experienced. Chances are, your symptoms are down to anxiety. Make an appointment with your doctor, it might make you feel better. But more importantly, take some time to stop living like you're dying. Why not try and create some positive experiences with your family? Spend the day out with your kids. Cook dinner for your wife (or better still, take her out somewhere nice). Concentrate on spending some time with the people you love that isn't centred around negative emotions and you'll feel a hundred times better.

[ankietyjoe]

Dude

Most of what you have written here could have been uttered from my own mouth as I have experienced and felt almost exactly what you describe.

I worried frantically about leaving my family behind with money worries etc, to the point where I believed if we won the lottery (for example) I could accept my inevitable death much more easily. It was like I didn't really care if I died, I just wanted my family to be secure. Of course I didn't want to die, but the brain plays funny tricks on you.

It's pointless trying to rationalise one symptom and why it happens, because as soon as you do another one will take its place. So it's pointless me telling you I also have tinnitus which is due to muscle tension related to the anxiety, right?

The only thing you can really do is take your symptoms to the GP and wait for the results. It's something I put off for months as I 'knew' what he was going to say. Turns out I was wrong, again. For me, facing the fear of what I thought was the inevitable is just another step in combating the anxiety.

You're actually rationalising NOT going to the GP's based on cost and how you suspect your brain might react, but on the second point I'll have to disagree with you. What I found was that once you prove to yourself that symptoms can and will change and re-appear at will without there being a physical cause, it's much easier to ignore them and get on with your life the next time they happen. The trick is to find the balance between checking with a trained professional when you think you need to, and checking every time to experience ANY sensation at all, no matter how trivial.

After several years I now know that the answer lies in the way you think about the anxiety, and how well you ignore it. CBT is basically telling you to ignore it, and it works. It just takes a very long time to get back to normal.

[Freddiemercury]

I'm so sorry you feel this way. I am turning 31 next week and I had a cancer scare last week (or at least one I created). I also had a lot of the same feelings as you in terms of thinking about not being able to function and what if I find out I am terminally ill as I approach a new year. You are trying to overcome this by going to CBT and although it is hard, I commend you for taking the steps to be able to function the way you want to. I am sad to admit I have also missed out on experiences because of anxiety and have spent far too many days worrying when I could have been enjoying life. After this latest scare, I realized there's no point in living a long life if I am going to waste it away worrying about my death. I want to make every moment count in case I am ever unfortunate enough to die young. It sounds like you want the same and are taking the steps towards it.

Also, I worked in a clinic where we saw people with brain tumors (awesome for a person with HA let me tell you lol) and sometimes people would be really upset because they learned their children have a higher risk (depending on the tumor type) of getting this type of cancer. We would explain it to them like this - yes everyone panics when they hear they or their children have a, let's say, 5 times higher risk of getting cancer then the general population. But the chance of getting a brain tumor in general is about .002%, which means even if you are at a 5 times higher chance your new chance is still .01%!!! I know different factors play into these numbers, but I hope you see my point. We greatly exaggerate in our minds what are chances of things are. Thinking of things in these numbers does help me a lot sometimes. Just because your dad had cancer does not mean you will and I promise google is not taking into account the environmental factors that contributed to his illness.

I agree to go and have a positive experience with your family! It might not cure your HA but I bet it will make you feel better!! :)

[jillyb]

Firstly, I hope you had a lovely birthday and secondly, thanks for replying to my post. This HA really is the pits! I notice that, despite your Dad's ill health, he is still here! That should give you some comfort. I have just finished group cbt and could get a PhD in it! Problem is putting it into practice. Starting counselling on Tuesday so I hope this will help. I am also paying a small fortune for hypnotherapy but, although I often feel better when I have seen him, it doesn't last very long. Good luck in your recovery x