Orange Lightning
31-08-13, 17:39
I honestly, truly can't take another day like this. All my symptoms just keep going, and all my treatments for anxiety have failed me. What can I possibly do now?! My one fear in life is having an illness for life, and that's exactly what I've been cursed with. There's no way I can see myself living happily at all like this, and my thoughts have been very dark as a result.
I've been a regular here for a good, long time, and you'd think I'd learn to give up. I'm sorry to have to disturb everyone again with this. My symptoms correlate with reflux, the LPR kind. I keep getting:
- A burning throat, even if I drink ALKALINE water! Meds can mask it a little, but they can't stop it.
- A lump in the throat with mucus and throat clearing. The lump is probably partially anxiety, unless it happens WHEN I'M NOT ANXIOUS.
- Constant belching as soon as I wake up, if I so much as fidget it comes back. The belches are in my throat, and I have to swallow them back down.
- Shortness of breath after belching, presumably from acid getting my lungs.
- Only occasional heartburn.
Sadly I can't find a single piece of proof saying that ALL of these symptoms are to do with anxiety and stress alone. In fact most things I've read say the symptoms cause anxiety but cannot be caused by them. And it's all down to Pepsin detected in my throat; the same enzyme responsible for throat/esophageal cancers. Proven. So why have I got reflux? I always watched my diet, I'm skinny as can be and I'm only 22; why did whatever deity exists up there choose to curse me with this horrible, painful disease for the rest of my life? What did I do wrong?!
I don't want to be on medication for life as it just reminds me that I'm masking a real illness, not curing it. Cimetidine and Gaviscon Advance can stop the burning throat, but nothing else, and even then it all wears off if I eat or drink a single thing. Sometimes it happens from the moment I wake up, or when I'm trying to 'relax' by lying in a bath or listening to music. I'd drink G.Advance like water if I could, but I'm actually worried that I'll poison myself with it with the potassium inside it, especially as I already take more than I should.
There is no cure for acid reflux. Even surgery isn't a 100% cure, and I can't afford £8000 for it anyway. GERD (normal reflux) and LPR are totally different things, and nobody really believes in LPR, despite people like me suffering daily from it. Not a single person in my family believes me. Only a single one of my friends believes me. The GP doesn't believe me. Even my psychatrist has washed his hands of me, given me antidepressents that make the symptoms worse(!) and shown me the door.
I'm alone, in pain and artificially hiding it. It happens every day, even when I try to be happy. I don't want to take drugs. I WANT TO BE NORMAL AGAIN. Just 10 months ago, I could do anything, eat anything and go anywhere without worrying out this stuff. I want my old life back, but it'll never happen, and so every time I feel bad like this, I consider ending it all. Apparently it's still "all in my head" though, and I'm trying to get people's attention. If nobody cares that I'm suffering a lifelong illness, maybe I should get out of their lives forever...
I need help, please. What hope is there that what I have can be reversible? How am I supposed to carry on living if it's not? Thank you for saying anything helpful, that can prevent me from going mad.
EDIT: There are a number of other problems in my life right now. I'll make a seperate post about them on the depression board just in case they're relevant.
I've been a regular here for a good, long time, and you'd think I'd learn to give up. I'm sorry to have to disturb everyone again with this. My symptoms correlate with reflux, the LPR kind. I keep getting:
- A burning throat, even if I drink ALKALINE water! Meds can mask it a little, but they can't stop it.
- A lump in the throat with mucus and throat clearing. The lump is probably partially anxiety, unless it happens WHEN I'M NOT ANXIOUS.
- Constant belching as soon as I wake up, if I so much as fidget it comes back. The belches are in my throat, and I have to swallow them back down.
- Shortness of breath after belching, presumably from acid getting my lungs.
- Only occasional heartburn.
Sadly I can't find a single piece of proof saying that ALL of these symptoms are to do with anxiety and stress alone. In fact most things I've read say the symptoms cause anxiety but cannot be caused by them. And it's all down to Pepsin detected in my throat; the same enzyme responsible for throat/esophageal cancers. Proven. So why have I got reflux? I always watched my diet, I'm skinny as can be and I'm only 22; why did whatever deity exists up there choose to curse me with this horrible, painful disease for the rest of my life? What did I do wrong?!
I don't want to be on medication for life as it just reminds me that I'm masking a real illness, not curing it. Cimetidine and Gaviscon Advance can stop the burning throat, but nothing else, and even then it all wears off if I eat or drink a single thing. Sometimes it happens from the moment I wake up, or when I'm trying to 'relax' by lying in a bath or listening to music. I'd drink G.Advance like water if I could, but I'm actually worried that I'll poison myself with it with the potassium inside it, especially as I already take more than I should.
There is no cure for acid reflux. Even surgery isn't a 100% cure, and I can't afford £8000 for it anyway. GERD (normal reflux) and LPR are totally different things, and nobody really believes in LPR, despite people like me suffering daily from it. Not a single person in my family believes me. Only a single one of my friends believes me. The GP doesn't believe me. Even my psychatrist has washed his hands of me, given me antidepressents that make the symptoms worse(!) and shown me the door.
I'm alone, in pain and artificially hiding it. It happens every day, even when I try to be happy. I don't want to take drugs. I WANT TO BE NORMAL AGAIN. Just 10 months ago, I could do anything, eat anything and go anywhere without worrying out this stuff. I want my old life back, but it'll never happen, and so every time I feel bad like this, I consider ending it all. Apparently it's still "all in my head" though, and I'm trying to get people's attention. If nobody cares that I'm suffering a lifelong illness, maybe I should get out of their lives forever...
I need help, please. What hope is there that what I have can be reversible? How am I supposed to carry on living if it's not? Thank you for saying anything helpful, that can prevent me from going mad.
EDIT: There are a number of other problems in my life right now. I'll make a seperate post about them on the depression board just in case they're relevant.