Feel like im getting closer to dying everyday! [Archive]

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looking4answers

23-10-06, 04:24

I am scared so very scared but in my mind there is still a bit of logic that says what you are feeling is not true.There is a part of me that says if its not true then you are crazy or something is seriously wrong that you would feel that way.. and deep in my heart I feel this is not living..I might as well not live to feel as though im dying everyday. I feel that there is really something very wrong with me and no one knows it but me..that one moment I will be here and the next i will not.My feeling come and go..from fear to being so numb that I have lost all care whether im here or not.I read positive things to help me ,like Taoism,buddism,and positive help books..I have been to a doctor but the doctor made me think its mostly in my head,but if it is ..then why won't it go away.I try everyday ..everyday.I post here and have people encourage me and then its gone..I feel close to all here,but then when I turn the computer off the closeness resolves in the fact that we are in the middle of nowhere .. and there is nobody here that we know..We might as well be in the middle of anartica and thousands of miles from nothing.That is the way it feels..I have prayed and prayed and talked to myself and told myself.. So what ..if something happens to me..I just cannot understand why I feel the way i do..One day with hope the next ..waiting for the reaper..its back and forth..They say try exercise..I do ..and when I am I can hear the pounding pounding pounding in my ears...Yes I have been told by several its ear infection and anxiety ..Yes i know that its related to anxiety but this is a constand pounding.. even when im not anxious.I know what most of you are saying when you get paniky you will hear your pulse rate go up ,but it subsides..mine never does..whats even worse its like i have a steoscope on and can hear it perfectly around the clock everyday..even the mumur I have.. Recently I have started getting a little more breathless than normal with little exertion.I am not talking about being out of breath..just hard to breathe..Its making me a littlle crazy or maybe a lot ..I don't know..but I worry.. i am not ocd...i have a tendancy in my life to be that way ,but I have studied what ocd people do ..and i have tendanceies to be that way but not to the point where i can't stop something.But this worry or feeling inside is making me so sad..I don't want to die in the place..i just don't want to die here..Its not home..but yet there is a feeling that I am dying more so everyday.When I hear my heartbeat sometmes it sounds as if my heart is dying little by little ..I called my GP and ask if there was a problem with my heart that I shouldn't do things..and she said no..She had told me my lungs were clear when I was there and my bp was a little high but that was because i was nervous...She seem to feel that I was ok other than my ears..I want so much to believe her ..I want so much for the way I feel to be contributed to something simple..We have been under so much stress for so long and now being able to just relax is what started all of this.I suppose before I heard my heartbeat at times..I got exhausted at times.I had pains and sensations all the time...but didn't have time to think about it.. My average day starts at about 5pm with geting up and makng a little breakfast..then looking outside till dark..about an hour..then doing things around the house and then making dinner then laying down and watching a short program on tv..and then coming back to bed where we will stay on computer till about 5am and then going to sleep again and sleeping 12 hours..I think that maybe our sleeping daytime hours could account for the way I feel somewhat..but When I get up early I feel worse..I have about a couple of weeks till I go to the ent.. and suppose I will worry till then...I feel like I could die and no one would even know out here...Its so lonely ..especially after dark..Does anyone believe in premonition of death? Or is feeling like you are physcially dying just part of health anxiety? I have felt like this all through the last two month

domino

23-10-06, 05:05

Just read your last post, i am really trying to understand how you feel, what was life like before you moved? you say your brother died and you feel that this will happen to you ,please take a step back and try and think what made you feel like this. what made you move? I do,nt have the answer you are looking for only you have that. try and think positive thoughts , remember p.m.a.[ positive mental attitude] lorraine:D

looking4answers

23-10-06, 05:32

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Just read your last post, i am really trying to understand how you feel, what was life like before you moved? you say your brother died and you feel that this will happen to you ,please take a step back and try and think what made you feel like this. what made you move? I do,nt have the answer you are looking for only you have that. try and think positive thoughts , remember p.m.a.[ positive mental attitude] lorraine:D

<div align="right">Originally posted by rickards - 23 October 2006 : 05:05:25</div id="right">
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Katrina...made us move..and other than where we are we could not have stayed in New Orleans and didn't have anywhere else to go.Don't get me wrong,I don't hate this place but its 8400 ft above where we used to live and the weather is weird..the clouds touch the ground where we live on the edge of the mountains.This is an arid place and when there is moisture here even though you are cold you feel as though you are sweating.I thank GOD for us having a place to go but as I said..it feels to be in the middle of nowhere,almost one another planet.I ask the doctor if my problems were related to the altitude and she said no..although it could affect my sinuses..But other than that no..and yes I do worry about the fact that my brother died...and to us it was a shock...but he could have known before..Or maybe he just felt what im feeling now..hope this clears things up .thank you

domino

23-10-06, 10:33

HI again o.k. begining to understand a little more, katrina must have been awlful for you , i know that an understatement, pictures on our t.v were shocking ,i ca,nt even begin to imagine, when you say you had no where else to go ,what do you mean by that . where you are now is higher ground .does the thought of it happening again made you move there. still trying to understand,lorraine.

looking4answers

23-10-06, 10:40

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">HI again o.k. begining to understand a little more, katrina must have been awlful for you , i know that an understatement, pictures on our t.v were shocking ,i ca,nt even begin to imagine, when you say you had no where else to go ,what do you mean by that . where you are now is higher ground .does the thought of it happening again made you move there. still trying to understand,lorraine.

<div align="right">Originally posted by rickards - 23 October 2006 : 10:33:56</div id="right">
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Yes, Higher ground and no chance of natural castastrope.We had already bought land here years ago for investment and used the money that we got from our home to buy a house and settle here.
We wanted out of the hurricane and earthquake zones and although we are secluded here..the chance of natural disaster here is like winning the lottery..Most people have no clue where this is..although its in the midwest..they have never heard of it..

domino

23-10-06, 12:18

so where are you?

yorkylover

23-10-06, 13:36

Hi there you sound so very depressed,especially with your sleep pattern ect.Your brother dying has affected you really badly,and his talking about death has stuck in your mind.I know how this affects us,I have horrid thoughts.Are you on meds?you need something for your depression I think.I hope things pick up for you soon pet.
You take care

Ellen XX

looking4answers

24-10-06, 03:11

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">so where are you?

<div align="right">Originally posted by rickards - 23 October 2006 : 12:18:56</div id="right">
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We are in a very remote place in Colorado.Most people have never heard of it and the closest large city is over 200 miles away.

looking4answers

24-10-06, 03:16

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Hi there you sound so very depressed,especially with your sleep pattern ect.Your brother dying has affected you really badly,and his talking about death has stuck in your mind.I know how this affects us,I have horrid thoughts.Are you on meds?you need something for your depression I think.I hope things pick up for you soon pet.
You take care

Ellen XX

<div align="right">Originally posted by ELLEN - 23 October 2006 : 13:36:03</div id="right">
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Im on meds.The doctor knew right away that I was having anxiety and depression problems from the move.I had no idea how much that i was affected by my brother but at the time I was younger than him..Now I have outlived him..Maybe its guilt or maybe im just plain scared. I don't know..I have been thinking lately ...and this is good for me ,,because I have recently seen no future for me.But I think I don't want anything to happen to me ..there are so many things I have yet to have done.i am worried and yes its hard about my brother but maybe it was something that happened that at that time could not have been detected. i do get scared but there are many others that feel that way too..I have to just take it with little steps..I just wish it would all go away,,but the bright spot is that im getting better..maybe Ill be ok..

domino

24-10-06, 11:36

how are things today with you lorraine

looking4answers

25-10-06, 00:42

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">how are things today with you lorraine

<div align="right">Originally posted by rickards - 24 October 2006 : 11:36:34</div id="right">
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This isn't lorraine but we are doing ok.Just taking it day by day wondering what is going to happen,or not happen.Its just another day here and the light is fading.We are doing better about getting up earlier and maybe that will make a difference although at this point im at a loss for what to do when im awake.Its getting really cold here and well that is about it.Mentally Im still worried but its ok..I thank you for asking anyway.

domino

25-10-06, 17:55

soory i,m lorraine ,forgot to put the , in after the question[how are you today], are you able to get out at all i know you say the wether is bad for you out there, is there no trasport that you have to get about. or can anyone visit you? take care . lorraine

belle

25-10-06, 22:08

Hi there...
You feel how i feel. Every single day of my life i feel that "its not much longer" and i also think there is something "very wrong" with me and no one takes any notice of me.
I sat at home tonight just feeling like "its only a matter of time". I HATE having these feelings and they've been going on for a while now. Another thing that i get frequently is that "impending doom" feeling which is horrendously scary.
I wish there was something i could do to not feel like this anymore - but i'm all out of ideas.

Sarah

cfury

26-10-06, 00:41

I feel like this all the time. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night for no reason with the thought "I'm going to die." For some reason the fact just gets registered when I sleep. And recently I've had the feeling that I'm going to have a heart attack and die. I swear: without music I would not be living. And as if that isn't enough, I had a dream about a Grim Reaper a few nights ago before going into Sleep Paralysis, feeling a monster on my chest.

looking4answers

26-10-06, 03:18

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Hi there...
You feel how i feel. Every single day of my life i feel that "its not much longer" and i also think there is something "very wrong" with me and no one takes any notice of me.
I sat at home tonight just feeling like "its only a matter of time". I HATE having these feelings and they've been going on for a while now. Another thing that i get frequently is that "impending doom" feeling which is horrendously scary.
I wish there was something i could do to not feel like this anymore - but i'm all out of ideas.

Sarah

Sarah,

Im sorry ... I wish I could think of something comforting to say.Its hard here too and although I have some days that I don't dwell on it ,my mind seems to keep it in the background just enough to make me feel that feeling of doom.I get online everynight and read and read and read about detaching from fear and what fear is and also I read buddist zen quotes and the thing I think that helps me alot is Taoism.I got so scared last night ..I mean to the point of panic..about the fact that we are going to die.I mean..What can you do ..?So I posted in the science part of yahoo about what it means to be alive and a question about what our purpose was.In the meantime I found a site that offered comfort about fear and dying and also how we should live.it helped calm me.I also have started trying to meditate .i am not sure Im doing it right but it seems to make me feel calm.I wish with everything that I am that I could take it all away from us.I don't feel this is living..its just existing with fear.I hope you feel better and try as hard as you can not to think about it..Try to turn your fear around and say you aren't welcome here.Just take it a step at the time and keep hope alive and try to read anything you can about ways to stop feeling fear.There are many sites online..and although I am not sure what religion you are it really makes no difference..you can read the things I am..about taoism..It helps..Im not sure why ,but it does..It just makes sense.I still have moments in my days that it attacks me and I have to argue with myself that maybe im percieving it all wrong,but Im still here so I suppose it will be ok..You are welcome to PM me everyday if you wish and we can chat about how we are feeling.I also have another person that is doing this with me and althoug its nice to have someone put a message on the board its also nice to have the personal touch...Thank you for writing...and I am pulling for you too....Michael

<div align="right">Originally posted by sarahc - 25 October 2006 : 22:08:04</div id="right">
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looking4answers

26-10-06, 03:28

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I feel like this all the time. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night for no reason with the thought "I'm going to die." For some reason the fact just gets registered when I sleep. And recently I've had the feeling that I'm going to have a heart attack and die. I swear: without music I would not be living. And as if that isn't enough, I had a dream about a Grim Reaper a few nights ago before going into Sleep Paralysis, feeling a monster on my chest.

<div align="right">Originally posted by cfury - 26 October 2006 : 00:41:25</div id="right">
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Tell me about it..Living at a high altitude..vivid weird dreams and feelings are really in line up here..No wonder that the medicine men used to go the mountains for visions..I believe you could dream anyything here and even hallucinate it too if you wanted.I know the feeling and have experienced the sleep paralysis too.Its really scary ..That too is native to high altitudes as well..I was telling Sarah that responded that I have been trying to read things online about how to beat fear, and also taoism...The teachings are more about conquering fear about death and just anxiety than anything else..its all over the internet.I was reading about death last night and got so rapped up in thoughts that I just like to have gone into a panic attack,but I kept my mind clear and read some taoism and about how to fight fear and what it is ..and it all seem to subside..Im not saying my mind doesn't always have that cloud in the back of it,but im still here and thats living proof that we are going to beat this thing..I promise you ..With all the things and changes that have been brought into my life and all the things that I feel hovering over me all day and night and I feel this way.i am sure that you will be ok to..It will pass..It seems like it won't but it will..One day you will wake up just like me.. im still waiting of course..lol.but We will wake up and realize that we just don't feel this way anymore and that we can get on with our lives..That worry and fear is distructive and it wants to destroy us..I for one refuse to let it.Now If something does happen to me..then it was meant to be..and it was my time..But im starting to realize that fearing life is what we are afraid of..and living in fear is not living at all.I am facing all the things you are all of the time..Im the one that broadcast it here,but we all can at least try to take baby steps and sooner or later we will pull out of it,If you want you can pm me here as i invited sarah to ..at least we all have something in common and we can discuss our thoughts and progress without posting them here..I thank you for writing to me and telling me how you feel.I am here and will be glad to talk about anything.Michael

looking4answers

26-10-06, 03:32

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">soory i,m lorraine ,forgot to put the , in after the question[how are you today], are you able to get out at all i know you say the wether is bad for you out there, is there no trasport that you have to get about. or can anyone visit you? take care . lorraine

<div align="right">Originally posted by rickards - 25 October 2006 : 17:55:40</div id="right">
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Lorraine,

Im doing better today..been doing alot of reading and yes we can get out.Its not that bad yet but will be soon.Its very cold and the weather will be turning off bad most of the time but we take little trips down to the town for this and that.We really haven't visited anyone,but sometimes seeing faces in the stores or where we go is nice..Thanks for checking on me..and although I have that doom cloud over me..its disipating a little..You take care and thank you .

MissChampers

26-10-06, 12:59

looking4answers

27-10-06, 02:33

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">[quote]<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I feel like this all the time. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night for no reason with the thought "I'm going to die." For some reason the fact just gets registered when I sleep. And recently I've had the feeling that I'm going to have a heart attack and die. I swear: without music I would not be living. And as if that isn't enough, I had a dream about a Grim Reaper a few nights ago before going into Sleep Paralysis, feeling a monster on my chest.

<div align="right">Originally posted by cfury - 26 October 2006 : 00:41:25</div id="right">
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Hi,

Im sorry that you are feeling this way to and have been suffering that way for so long.I was just discussing with my wife..that its miserable to feel that way.You just feel like whatever it is let it happen because Im absolutely sick of worrying..At least when you are dead your worries are over.My mom passed away about ten years ago and I went to the doctors office for my check up and my doctor asked me how things were going.I told him my mom had died and I was feeling down..He looked at me and told me that she is in a better place..I started feeling better after I actually thought about what he said ...because it made since..At least her worries of dying and earthly problems were over.All of my family all have died..I mean I had alot of them elderly since i was born late..My mom was 36 when she had me.I had a brother 18 years older that had a massive cornary at 44..hidden causes were all they were able to tel me..Imagine that im 52 and people wonder why I worry about myself..All my aunts some in their nineties and eighties and uncles are all gone..Grand parents both sides ..father..and everybody that was anybody have all gone...Its a wonder that I haven't thought about it more in my life but well I suppose you have to get so angry at death and illness you have to say to it .You don't scare me ..Do what you want..I had a bout with this worry thing about death almost ten years ago.I woke one morning and for some reason during the night I got the feeling I just didn't care anymore.. and for years..I had the best life you could ever have..I wasn't afraid of anyone or anything..I pushed the envelope and did things that normally I would never do.I think so how I was pushed over the edge for a time and got to where I didnt care anymore..It was the best years that I can remember of my life.I guess that is what it takes just gettina angry and saying I just don't care..Do what you may to me im not going to fret over it. I have been reading alot of books about the minds effects on the body ..I found that depressed men have more heart attacks than ones that aren't.And depressed and anxious men have even more heart attacks and I have actually found proof from one doctor that says he has known men that actually ate burgers and what they wanted ,smoked and smoked and drank and abused their bodies to the max and they outlived the people that were running 20 miles a day and eating right and not smoking and also taking care about their blood pressure and checkups..Know what the klincher was? The other people had a don't care attitude and did what they wanted..and didn't worry or be anxious or depressed..I am starting to believe that from what I have read and people I have known..Even the buddist,the taoist,and other cultures speak of mind over body..Now even scientist are saying it really doesn't matter about how careful you are ,its in your mind..So im going to do my best to say the hell with death and illness whatever is going to be is going to be..I a

looking4answers

03-11-06, 02:19

Update for going to the hospital for pulse in ears,
I gathered as much courage as I could almost
coming unglued as the time for my appointment
neared.I went to sleep late as usual and allowed
for very little time to gather strength again in
the morning.I got in my vehicle and drove
30 miles to the hospital and parked way out
in the parking area and walked in to find that
the doctors I was looking for were on the 2nd
floor.I was rigid as a steel pipe but was still
doing ok.I was tested for hearing..Perfect,
tested for tumors…no tumors..no infections
no fluid in ears , a little wax but very little,
no cancers, no lesions,no blockages, no
bruits no nothing. Diagnoses was loss of 35lbs
over the time it took for me to start hearing
my pulse rate..causing loss of padding also
causing shift of tubes nearer to artery also
TMJ causing shift in muscles and nerves
and vascular sections close to the inner
ear.Complete three hour test ,checkup
and blood pressure spiking but went
back down to normal by end of
visit .Cause of pulse in ears surmised
was loss of weight,altitude change
and stress.Doctor said there was no blockage
of arteries ,no tumors,and if I could live
with the noise,which I have lived with
tinnitus for almost 20 years I think that
eventually my brain will come to not
hear this anymore or it could go away.
Doctor also said that he could order
scans but they would be negative and there
was nothing that pointed to a reason for
any scans..In short…It is all in my head,
He said I would probably live another day
to make another post lol…Thank you for your
reply to me and help.I made it through the
doctor and for me that was the hardest part.

Antipodes

07-11-06, 03:36

Hi looking4answers,

Have you discussed the possibility you might be suffering with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) with your doctor? Some of the words you used made me wonder.

A couple of giveaway signs are hyper-vigilence and an exaggerated startle response. Also a host of other symptoms - it is fundamentally an anxiety disorder. I'm a PSD-er (sigh) and well documented throughout the internet.

Any anxiety disorder is unpleasant and I'm sorry this is troubling you (and anyone else)

Antipodes

looking4answers

07-11-06, 03:50

Its is ptsd...Im sorry I should have made it a little more clear.I have other post on the ptsd board that talk about it..thanks