Does my grandmother have dementia?

[Kez_miller]

So without trying to put all the issues on here, my grandmother recently as started being really really nasty, I gave up my home and work to look after her and my grandfather (grandfather was diagnosed with lung cancer 1 month ago) my grandmother is 83 and grandfather 88!

Now basically she's become very nasty with people, for example I now live with them to help them, she constantly screaming and shouting at me for no reason ie: all I said to her earlier was..." I wonder what to have to eat" and this set her off on a two hour above rant towards me, this happens every single day and has done even before my grandfather was diagnosed with lung cancer! She's even said she don't care that he's got cancer as she's a lot more ill than he is (she isn't, she just has general old people illness such as diabetes) I do everything they ask like cooking meals, cleaning, shopping and I'm working myself out my skin to help n she just says "I do nothing for her and just sit around all day" it's really getting me down, I have anxiety and stress disorder myself but am trying my best but nothing i do seems to change her view, she calls me fat, says me and my fiancé of 6 years are going to split up because I'm not good enough for her or anyone, she's refused an assessment for dementia twice also. Can someone please help me out here, sorry about the long post.

[Fishmanpa]

Dang Kez,

I don't know what to say. I think it's very loving and noble that you've arranged your life to help your grand patrents. Most grand kids wouldn't be doing what you're doing so give yourself a pat on the back for that.

From your description, it's apparent your grandmother is suffering from some mental stress and disorder. Age related, stress related or otherwise it's no doubt difficult to deal with especially in light of your anxiety issues.

Please try not to take what she's saying personally. It's probably a combination of dementia and hurt that her mate is suffering from cancer. I can tell you first hand that dealing with cancer from the patient or caregiver perspective is one of the most difficult and stressful sitiuations we can go through in life.

I wish I had an answer or suggestions but all I can offer is positive thoughts and prayers that you find a constructive way to deal with a very difficult situation.

[Kez_miller]

Thank you for your words, actually nearly made me cry purely because I have no one else to talk too. I have fealty with really bad anxiety, depression, being given up by my mother at an early age, father in and out of prison and now all this and I'm only 22 :( I just feel like there is absolutely no way out for me! I'm a dreamer! I have goals in my life but I just can't seem to achieve them because as soon as I seem to have the time to start rebuilding my life sobering else builds that brick wall back to its original state n stops me! My grandparents say I don't care about them! I sit n cry every night at the thought if loosing them. This is why at 22 I've put my life on hold n added there work load into my recovery from severe anxiety and depression! I haven't had a break away for 4 years. It's just been constant and they just don't seem to understand that I love them more than anything in the world. I try telling them but the only reply I get is abuse again. I seriously don't know where to turn.

[Fishmanpa]

When you love someone, it places a burden upon you like none other. When we marry, we take vows. One of which is "in sickness and in health". I took that vow and also broke it.

One has to accept and realize that it's a two way street. If the person you're supporting does not try to help themself, then you have to seriously consider divorcing yourself from the situation.

You are not married to your family. The reality is that you can only do so much to help. Beyond that, it is up to the individual to help themself.

If this situation is costing you more than you're able to give, then you must seriously look at the pluses and minuses, make a decision and stick to it.

Positive thoughts and prayers. May you find an equitable solution to your dilemma.

[puppypink]

No wonder you're suffering. It may be that your grandmother does have dementia and refusing two assessments might be her form of denial. I had an old aunty that i visited mostly everyday and when she hit her eighties she started acting like she was in competition with my daughter who would have been about 6/7 at the time. If my daughter had a cold, she had the flu. If my daughter had a headache, she had a brain tumour, etc. Also I hear the 'You don't care about me' one alot from my wee one when she doesn't get what she wants. Like Fishmanpa says, try not to take it personally. It's so obvious by your actions that you care and I'm sure your grandmother knows this, even if she won't admit it. If you and your fiance have been together 6 years she must love you very much. Have you been to see if social work can provide any extra help for your grandparents, like carers coming in, or meals?

[Speranza]

Hey, you need to talk to the GP and ask to be signposted to charities and services which can offer you some respite. It is absolutely not wrong to do this - you need a break after 4 years.

One really good charity is whentheygetolder.co.uk If you write to them and explain your situation they will be able to help you. Mention me if you want (You could write: 'Gill, who wrote about her Dad for you, has recommended I get in touch for some advice.').

Thank you for letting us begin to shoulder this with you. xxx

[shakey1961]

Kez... you can't cope with this on your own, you need some help. Go see your GP who can organise some sort of care package for you. Someone will come and see you and do an assessment.

You have to look after number one! And that's not being selfish. Think of it this way, if you're ill, then your grandparents would have to go into a home because you couldn't cope.

The other option is a care home. I know it sounds scary. My Mum had dementia and had to go into a nursing home. I never wanted that, but I came to realise it was the best thing for her. My poor Mum was eventually doubly incontinent, needed feeding, washing, lifting out of bed by a hoist. How could I cope with all that? I wouldn't have been able to, I think I would have had a nervous breakdown. I'm not saying this to worry you, just to point out how difficult it would have got for me.

I came to realise that my Mum being in a home was the best thing for both of us. I knew she was getting excellent care. I was able to see her everyday and help to feed her meals to her. They were able to spot if Mum was coming down with bladder infections (which she did a lot) long before I was able to spot it. I firmly believe my Mum would have passed away a lot earlier than she did if I had been looking after her. The staff were properly trained and able to cope with all the equipment. I visited her every day, though I wouldn't go if I was ill. I was able to get on with my life knowing she was safe and secure and happy.

Go to your GP and explain the situation and GET HELP!!!!

Oh... and if your Grandma is in the early stages of dementia, there are drugs that can help her, so do it for everyone's benefit and get to your GP

[Speranza]

Absolutely. I forgot to put that, but yes - you will go under if you don't get some help. And then they will have nobody. You are doing a great job but there IS still help out there, grab it while you can. xx

[Edie]

Kez, I'm sorry you're in this difficult situation. It must be so painful.

I wonder if a little distance may improve your relationship with your grandparents. Could you live elsewhere and drop in to help them?

If the level of care they need is greater than this, you can get Social Services to assess them. They do have the right to refuse that, but that is their call. As a carer, you can also ask for an assessment for yourself, to see what can be done to support you in your caring responsibilities. This may involve some care being provided to give you some respite, for example, Meals on Wheels or a cleaning lady. I don't know much more than this, but you might be able to get some advice from CAB or a carers charity or forums. There may also be local charities or advocacy organisations that could support you, have a look on google for things in your town or county.

Also speak with your GP and make sure they know you are a carer in addition to your illness. Doctors deal with the medical side and often do not know about practical support, but may be able to tell you about local services.

You can speak to your grandmother's GP if you think it may help. For reasons of confidentiality the GP cannot discuss her with you, but you are allowed to discuss her with the GP. As you're living in the same home, you may even have the same GP, which could make this a lot simpler.

I hope you can get the support and break you so clearly need.