Mega stressed my 11yr old bullied first day at new school

[Col]

...... I can NOT cope, as some of u might know I'm pregnant have a 4 year old and 11 year old. Anyway not slept woke up dizzy and got water BUT what really kept me awake ( which being pregnant and a GAD sufferer I really don't need) was my daughter started her new secondary school yesterday and basically came home disheartened and sad.

To cut a long story short she's hung around with a group of 3 specific girls since reception really. Anyway due to class sizes in Y5 they were separated but, had previously always managed to stay in the same class. So Y5 they started turning on each other and it went on for 10 weeks. I recorderd it in a diary and was at my wits end as this was during a bad bought of panic attacks for me. Anyway, 2 of the 4 girls - typical ignoring , running away from my daughter and another girl in the group? Whispering dirty looks etc. BUT 10 weeks was horrific!Very awkward, as being her best friends and friendship group I didn't want to fall out with the mums.

Anyway I waited 10 weeks as I know kids are fickle at times and didn't want to run into school telling tales at the first instant and gave the girls time to sort it out. But, Eventually I went to see headmistress she sorted it IMMEADIATLY. But happend agaiin & the girl who was getting as much grief as my child, decided if u can't beat them join them and eventually my daughter was completely isolated. She was circled by them also - I spoke with one mum who said this was untrue as her daughter said, they were saying goodbye as they were going on a different trip to my daughter & did not circle her.
Anyway they all later admitted to the headmistress they had done this to my daughter & the headmistress said told the girls this was bullying and threatening behaviour. SO that girl was lying to her mum which I have recently brought up and said to the mum who first denied it. THIS MUM would not have it, that her daughter was bullying and Kept saying - they're all as bad as each other they're ready for a change of sch?

Just before summer happened again but because they're all going to/ at the same secondary, I decided again take it up with parents, we've all invested a lot of time and effort into this group of girls over the years , so surly the mums will be upset by this & I didn't want to go to headmistress right at the end of Y6 also. Anyway texted mums I was worried this might trail up to their secondary school in September!

Again they shrugged it off, I made it clear I had bided my time and not been hasty & to see over the weeks if it would calm down naturally and I was met by - ohhhh so sorry to here this , will have a chat. That was it. Very airy fairy. So over summer I've not contacted any of the 3 mums to arrange a day out in order that they'd return this September to a new school m new start and hopefully my daughter would find new friends.

SOOOOOO first day back yesterrday - she had a good day BUT one of the 3 girls ignoring her, staring , wouldn't talk blah blah. BUT fine with other girls in their group. INFURIATING!!!!!!

My daughter said she daren't question the girl if she does it again today because she fears the rest of the group might turn against her again - like before? We've encouraged her to make new friends being in a much bigger school & loads of new kids BUT I know this might take a while because starting secondary can be very daunting & overwhelming.


I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO???? IS THIS OUTRIGHT BULLYING ???? SHOULD I WAIT A FEW DAYS. & CONTACT SCHOOL???? I just can't afford to loose sleep and my health over this. Me and hubby sooooooo mad.... Please help:mad:

[Darbysa]

Hi Col
What can I say? This is an age old problem. In my opinion girls at that age are horrible! My own kids are grown up now but I can remember this happening to my daughter and others around her. It was something i had to go through too. I think it's a phase a lot of girls go through. I remember getting upset when she was the outcast one but then equally annoyed when found out that she was part of a group behaving the same way to others. Probably like you say, if you can't beat 'em join 'em. It takes time in a new school to settle down and find the pecking order. Long term friendships from junior school tend to get broken up but there will be other girls in the same boat looking for new friends. I work in an office with younger women who's girls have all gone through similar and I know how upsetting it can be. Nobody likes to think of their kids being unhappy. It's early days so I would say leave it for now. Obviously you need to keep an eye on things and for what it's worth I think you've handled things very well so far.
On a lighter note, if you 4 year old is a boy then you can rest assured you won't have the same problem. Boys are so much better at getting on with everyone and there's none of this " best friend" thing that girls do.
Hope things settle down.
Sal x

[Speranza]

I would ask to make an appointment to see her form tutor, and calmly fill her or him in on the history. Ask if it is possible for her to be encouraged (ie by a Y8 perhaps) along to different activities/clubs etc.

One of my daughters was bullied so badly that we sent her to a different secondary school from the others. She didn't miss them at all. The great thing is that this early in the term your daughter is in a great place to make a whole new set of friends.

I've got some stuff on how to respond to bullying - it would be a good idea to ask if they have anybody in school who works with the more socially vulnerable kids, there is very often a lovely Teaching Assistant in the SEN department who is great with kids in your daughter's situation. Ask the school if they support and teach techniques (the one I am thinking of is called 'fogging'). If not, PM me for info.

I think the really important - crucial - thing here is to be very honest about whether this pushes personal buttons for you. I was bullied and when it happened to my daughter I was living it all for her, getting very involved etc... and I realised now it might not have been the most helpful way to deal with it. Especially as you say the mums aren't particularly responsive, I think I might work on asking your daughter about the good stuff each day, get her to jot down the names of new people she's met and liked, and tell her in a week she can have a couple of them round to tea.

Girls in Y5 and Y6 are pretty awful sometimes. In Secondary, this usually is simply a very harsh way to shed the ones they don't want - and your daughter is free to shed them too. She isn't stuck with them as she was in primary.

I have dealt with so many kids going through this, and I have a very good vibe from you that you are someone who can instill confidence in your daughter. Help her to laugh (not unkindly!) at the bullies in her head - maybe she can imagine them in nappies sucking their thumbs - and just politely ignore them.

Good luck! Keep us posted!

Gill x

[Anxious_gal]

I'm not sure whats going on, but if those girls are being mean and ignoring your daughter then she NEEDS not to be friends with people like that.

I've seen the same happen to a younger family member, I don't know why the girl tried so hard to be friends with other girls that were just shallow and nasty.

It's VERY hard to find good friends and you are lucky to have one friend you trust.

The thing with bullies is that they don't realize they are bullying.

Girls can act like your best friend, only to tear you down behind your back.

I think your daughter should try to move on, stay well away from those girls and find some nicer people to be friends with.

Don't expect those other girls parents to act like adults, they probably learned that bullying behavior at home.

Maybe she should try to get some male friends her age? I had some lovely male friends as a teenager. Or even some older female friends, one of my best friends was a girl 3 years older than me when I was in school. I dunno young teenage girls can be awful manipulative and just plain weird :/ There's usually a leader (bully) who all the other girls in the group follow and try to suck up to and impress.

I think quieter girls who aren't so obsessed with looks and social status would be good for your daughter to look for in a friend.

Maybe she might find friends outside of school, like in a drama group or a youth center.

[Col]

Fantastic! Fantastic advice thankyou sooooo very much. Derbysa - thankyou for your post it really calmed me down and get perspective they are only kids and to waitit out a bit but, keep an eye out, good idea and exactly what I was thinking of doing. Yes my 4 year old is a boy :yesyes: soooo as you said a complete different ball game and hopefully I won't have to go through this again XXX

Speranza - sooo sorry to hear about your daughter and your right although I sailed through school and loved it and fitted in MY brother didn't???? Don't know why but the minute he started primary it was an absolute nightmare for my mum. Secondary school - my goodness just plain awful on every level. He was bullied and wasn't academic & didn't even have any interests in extra curricular activities. My mum would tear her hair out. My mum has told me she got bullied that much at school that her hair started to fall out and they used to chase her and she had to hide underneath bus seats to get away from being physically hurt.
My cousin got bullied sooo bad - she took an overdose. SO yes from my experience of close family members getting bullied serverly I CAN NOT abide it!!!! But I shouldn't project any negative thoughts of mine onto my daughter and her situation, your right! It's just she's such a nice girl , liked by everyone , very solid all rounder BUT not overtly cocky or over confident. That's what she lacks a voice and participating due to lack of confidence.

It's just bottom line - we've had to deal with the same issue, same group of girls , whom are supposed to be good friends and for the 3 rd year running - looks like its happening again and to my horror the first day at secondary. All the time/parties/ days out with these girls waisted completely. But thanks for all that great advice I've never heard f some of those things before Speranza - I have completed half of a PGCE as well. Shame on me.
Thankyou ever so much, yes if it's ok later I'll PM you XXXXXX

Anxiousgal - love the comment about the parents and the kids learning that behaviour at home. Funny though because these parents are 50 ish older parents with older children and I'm not a snob in the slightest BUT if you met these parents the way they come accross is very middle class, moral etc. ha ha JOKE. I think as I've said above its that everyone knows how lovely my daughter is I get told all the time by everyone, absolutly everyone. I tried to emphasise I wasn't making a mounting out of a mole hill and bided my time to let the group one way or another - get over this stupidity BUT my efforts in doing that failed me. SOOOO frustrating when you look at the bigger picture for all involved and still doesn't pay off.

Your right though - bottom line, my daughter needs to use this time, to form new friendships be it with boys or girls or a mixture of both AND simply move on and away from this crowd.
Yes your right about the type of friends she should look towards because although she loves a bit of makeup she's quite a simple girl and she's got a very calming nature.

Your right there does seem to be a central girl in that group and I've told my daughter not to conform like the others do, because you'll never catch up. And that's exactly what I'm directing her towards art class or dance she's very arty, so a good distraction and a great way to mix with different kids with the same likes!

:grouphug::grouphug: