View Full Version : Cant do this any more
I just cant cope any more, I have reached the end of my tether. I feel so ill and I just know that Im still losing weight. Im crying all the time and feel like I have nowhere to turn.
The last 2 nights I have had phone calls late at night/early hours of the morning as my mum hasnt been well. Last night I had to drive round there at 11pm and yesterday morning at 4.40am. She seems ok now but Im in a constant state of high anxiety.
I know that this wont be helping my health but I absolutely know that theres something else. After about 8 days with normal bowel movements this morning it just wasnt right. I dont feel hungry and have to force myself to eat. Im so weak and dont have the energy to do anything.
I dont know what Im going to do but this just isnt sustainable.
nomorepanic
05-09-13, 12:51
It sounds like you are stuck in that loop of can't eat, feel rubbish 'cos haven't eaten so feel weak and rubbish
Why not try some milkshakes or something that is more like a drink than food.
Yes you can! :hugs:
Eight days with normal bowel movements is great progress after what you were experiencing before (I'm on day three of reasonably normal and am doing a little happy dance!). Your bowels honestly aren't going to suddenly snap back into completely normal every day; they'll have the odd blip here and there. Also from what you've said - you had two nights of huge non-health related stress with your mum being unwell, and today your bowel movements were dodgy again: isn't that a pretty clear indication of how stress is affecting you?
Can you get any help in practical terms with the business with your mum - is there anyone else (siblings?) who could be taking the strain for you while you get yourself right again? Because I think you're going to struggle to feel better with that going on in the background as well. Could you get away from your normal routine for a while - can you get away on a short break anywhere? Is there anyone who could come round and drag you out to do something you enjoy, even if that's just window shopping?
I think you said in another post that the propranolol made you feel too spaced out - could you try a lower dose? I admit I've lost track a bit but I think you've had blood tests to rule out anything nasty, haven't you? Do you know if they checked your iron levels? Lots of women have low iron, and I think - just from my experience - that it can get a bit worse when you've been ill, especially if you're not eating much. Doesn't mean there's anything *wrong* with you as such. Only asking as if your iron is low it might be adding to your feelings of exhaustion and anxiety etc - and, by the way, to a reduced appetite, which I only found out recently.
The weight loss, weakness, etc are really likely to all be connected to the fact that you don't want to eat - and that's most likely caused by a combination of a) your guts still being a bit unsure about things (!), b) STRESS! and c) getting out of the habit of eating. Is there *nothing* that you fancy eating at all? My appetite has been a little better lately (though very patchy indeed) and bizarrely the thing that seemed to help was changing what I was eating for lunch - I gave up on the work canteen and went out and bought a deli sandwich. Work canteen food is perfectly pleasant but I think I'd started associating it with not wanting to eat.
If you're not putting much in one end there won't be much coming out of the other end, it's a simple equation. It doesn't mean there is anything physically wrong with you.
Hopefully your mum will get better soon and your appetite (and other functions) will improve as you become less stressed.
Feel worse now, just had a phone call from gp surgery to say they have to cancel my appointment tomorrow as the doctor isnt in, its been changed to 3pm on monday. I wanted to talk to her about my meds and was counting on tomorrow.
Hubby is helping with mum as much as he can, if she needs someone to stay tonight he will do that.
I know Im absolutely obssessed with the weight loss. I really forced myself to eat a lot for me for a week and nothing. To me it doesnt make any sense and so true to form for me I jump to conclusions. Im sure that if I could put some on then I would feel better, the way Im going I will disappear.
Yes I had tests for stomach, bowel, pancreatic and ovarian cancer and apparently they are all fine. I had normal bloods done in May for the usual - thyroid, liver, full blood count etc and they all came back fine.
I did try on Tuesday - I met 2 friends for coffee but I was so panicky, just wanted to get home.
I do really appreciate the replies, Im sorry if it doesnt feel that way. My mind is just not letting me rest at all and everything has come to a head.
Oh that's bad luck about the appointment. Is it worth calling them back and seeing if a different doctor can fit you in tomorrow instead, or did you really want to see your own doctor?
Shes the only one I can really talk to. I feel really queazy and just keep sleeping, cant stay awake, am so tired.
It'll be because you're not eating enough and not getting enough 'good quality' sleep - even if you're asleep, I always think if your brain is still anxious you're not going to wake up as refreshed as you should. I think the milkshakes idea is a good one - or just anything at all that you think you might fancy. I presume you're drinking enough - might be worth thinking about it, as we usually get some of the water we need from what we eat, so if you're eating less you probably ought to be drinking more.
But, that said - if you're really that wiped out and exhausted, it might be worth getting your iron levels checked. The standard tests they do check for anaemia, but you can have low iron levels without having anaemia. Low iron is v.common in women of child bearing age and quite often doesn't cause any symptoms, but if you're already stressed and under the weather I could well believe that it might make you feel worse. You could try some multivitamins as well perhaps, might make you feel a bit more 'with it'...
frosty2901
05-09-13, 17:37
sorry you are feeling pretty bad
you need to remember you have been under a lot of stress with your mum and that nurse yesterday didn't help did she
just try to think that things may be bad at the moment but they WILL get better
I know you said your brothers isn't up to scratch but you should if you can give some of the pressure to him after its his mum too so why shouldn't he have some of the daily pressure your under
hope you start to feel a bit better soon :hugs:
frosty xx
Have told hubby that if theres another phone call tonight I just cant go, have asked if he could deal with it. Not that I'll sleep I doubt after sleeping for much of the day.
My stomach feels bloated up the top near the breast bone and I was rubbing it and felt like a little lump, sheer panic followed then the tears. Too scared to feel it again.
No matter how bad Ive felt in the past I have never got to the stage where I think Im actually going mad but this time that thought is niggling away at me.
I did realise one thing last night when I went over to mums though. It was like I had to concentrate on her and the nurses etc and the thoughts about my health sort of got pushed into the background. I suppose that proves the point about distraction which Im not able to do for the majority of the time.
That leads me on to something else Ive realised. Its like I have to keep thinking about how I feel because if I dont, when the thoughts come back, they hit me hard and I panic. If I keep the thoughts there all the time then the shock wont come. I wish I could explain it better but its not easy to put into words.
Another bad night but no phone calls thank goodness. Panic kicked in the minute I woke up, its just a vicious circle now. I keep trying to tell myself not to think that when I wake up it will all start again but no matter how hard I try I cant convince myself.
Of course as soon as I woke up I started looking for the little lump under my breat bone that I found yesterday. It took some time but I did find it. It feels sort of sore when I push it. I promised myself last night that I wouldnt get obssessed by it but of course that wasnt going to happen.
Im exhausted again but made myself do the ironing thinking it would be a distraction but I guess ironing isnt the best thing for that because you can still think while doing it.
Supposed to be going somewhere in the car tomorrow which is scaring me. I am panicking in case I need the toilet while we're out or while we're driving. Ive never suffered with agrophobia before so hope that isnt heading my way as well.
Just keep asking myself when this will end, when can I get back to being normal again. Im wasting my life with all this and I know that so why cant I let it go.
It can lead to agoraphobia if left unchecked, that's what happened with me except I was only happy at home if someone else was there with me in case I had a heart attack.
The good news is that you seem to have recognised what you have to a certain extent, and that's half the battle.
Re tomorrow I would look at it in terms of a game, or a challenge. Think of a reward if you manage to complete your journey, and buy yourself that reward when you complete it. I used to do this and it worked wonders.
DO NOT pull out of this journey through fear of needing the toilet - force yourself to do it no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel. If you pull out of it then you will make things worse. Honestly, trust me on this because I've been there and it's a slippery slope.
I would recommend you read a book called 'Yes Man' by Danny Wallace. Maybe treat yourself to that for completing your challenge tomorrow. It helped me out of agoraphobia which I got due to health anxiety.
Thanks skippy, I have just bought 2 Claire Weekes books and am trying to concentrate on reading them at the moment, hoping they will help. Ive never been agrophobic in my life, think its just that I feel safe indoors, like if anything happens then theres nobody around to see it.
The claire Weekes books are really good. I think you will find them a great help. I know what you mean about staying indoors but as skippy says, it's best to get out there and face it. You do have a lot on your plate at the moment so not surprising you feel this way. I hope you do get out tomorrow and have a lovely day.
Good luck
Sal
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