In a dead end volatile relationship because of HA - can anyone relate

[Female healthanxiety]

I'm sorry if I do babble on but I feel this is really contributing to my HA and stress levels.

I feel constantly dependable and am in such a weak state which in turn is making my HA persistent, I wondered whether any others can relate.

I am with a guy that 8 years ago cheated on me; I must admit it was a crappy relationship and we were constantly arguing so it was inevitable.

He was my first love, I was 22, and had a tough time getting over him and could not handle the rejection; one thing good that came out if it was I conquered my fear of flying after my friends and family saved up for me to go to Miami in order to help my healing process; I couldn't work, didn't eat, was constantly crying, and he was very horrible about it.

To cut the long story short; I got over it and became a new independent person, new job, got fit, and eventually moved on and met someone else 3 years ago; the new relationship was fine but after 2 years, I realise we was not going in the same direction, so I ended it.

Now a year ago; my ex that cheated, got in contact with me and said that he was so sorry for how he behaved, he was young and reckless and having me staying I'm his house while he was out every weekend was disgraceful.

At the time of conversing with him; I was a new woman and it was quite a good many years ago; I said I have never got over that hurt he really caused.

We spoke on and off for about a week and he kept reminiscing about the good times we had, etc, to which I remained friendly but impersonal. We then arranged to meet (I had to keep this private to my friends and family around me as they hated what he done). We met and I realised how strong and different I had become, and then one thing led to another and we slept together, overtime I had seen that he'd changed in terms if he does not go out anymore; he viewed life differently and had a general interest in my life. I gradually started staying round his a lot, and then before I knew it, I would stay there 5 days out of 7. Of course he was just known to everyone as a new boy I was seeing and overtime people started wondering.

Now 10 months later; I've met his mother, sister, spent time with his nephew, gone away with him for a week and also spent lots of time together.

It's now come to a point where he tells me he never wants to get married in his life (which to a point I know some men don't,but I do) he says he does not want children (of course I do eventually) I'm 30 now, and the latest thing he said is we are not going to live together because certain things I do annoy him!!!!!! I asked him what future is there then, he said couples do not have to live together!

I just feel like I am never going to be good enough for him, in the sense of my security's. he says that he could be with so many girls yet he is not like that anymore!!

Whenever we have an argument it's always me packing my bags and crying and yet he had this 'I don't give a dam' attitude.

He says he loves me and cares for me, but I just feel so low at the moment and not valued. He makes me feel insecure about myself and I'm always questioning everything I do.

I'm sorry to go on; I feel my HA is constant at the moment; I feel so tired and if u have a headache I feel like it's a tumour, chest pain I feel like it's a heart attack, dizziness I feel like there's something wrong.

I have done zumba this week with my friend and have been working as normal.

Sorry for such a long post; I have not gone into work today as I feel tired

K xxxx

[skippy66]

Well stress certainly used to make my HA worse, it's part of the vicious cycle.

I would advise against taking time off work just because you're 'tired'. Everyone gets tired, it's a normal part of life but we all just struggle on. It's counter-intuitive but getting out and about when tired can actually give you more energy and pick you up - it's far better than crashing on the sofa and browsing health forums all day.

Keep at your zumba and get some other hobbies in your life. It will help your confidence massively.

[Female healthanxiety]

Thanks for replying Skippy,

I just needed to get it all off my chest; don't know whether I'm coming or going.

Managed to just have a little soup; but now have an upset stomach (sorry if too much detail).

X

[Fishmanpa]

Hi,

HA aside, I just wanted to comment on your post. Your title is not quite true. Based on what you said about this dote (I don't think "man" or "gentleman" is appropriate in this case), The relationships has nothing to do with your HA. The fact that it's a dead and volatile relationship is all on him and you have the sense to realize it!

First off, there is no valid reason for infidelity in any relationship, married or not. You can rationalize, come up with any excuse and I'll personally tear it down faster than a house of cards in a wind storm!

I'm sorry to be so blunt but what I gathered from your words is that essentially you are his "F" buddy. My mouth literally dropped open and my jaw hit the keyboard when I read some of the things he has said! It made me want to find a way to kick him upside the head! What awful things to say!

Ok..Ok... I'm actually getting worked up about this! You see, I've been on the short end of the infidelity stick a couple of times and it's something that hurts to the core of your being and hits home with me personally.

They say time heals all wounds and it does, It did in your case. BUT, you should never, ever forget. He has not changed, never has, never will. You've been strong in the past and you're strong now. Don't allow this to happen again or to make you any less of who you are and wish to become.

You are in a "dead end volatile relationship" by your own words. You deserve better.

I hope you find the strength and inner fortitude to do what you know in your heart is right.

Thanks for letting me rant... I hope I did not offend you in any way.

Good luck, positive thoughts and prayers

[Speranza]

I just feel like I am never going to be good enough for him

K xxxx

Erm - no, I think you will find he is never going to be good enough for you.

Sweetheart have you considered that this isn't HA... this could be your body screaming "GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE WOMAN!"

You have deep insight. So step back and pretend I wrote that post and answer me... what should I do, do you think?

Much love

Gill x

[Female healthanxiety]

Thank you for your replys I really do appreciate them.

I am so angry because I'm generally a strong person and dealt with a lot in life and am a positive person to be around - hence the reason I want to just stay in today and not see anyone.

Fishmanpa - I can feel your anger towards this situation and of course if i was reading a similar post I would have the same feeling.

I feel even more hopeless in the fact that I let down my guard and trusted someone again after everything that happened the first time. I feel like Im finding it hard to just pack my bags and go; even though I know this is as good as its going to get and I'm continuously crying because of how unhappy I feel; it's like he has a hold and even when I ask myself I don't know what it is. I do love him but wanna stop.

The amount of HA threads I've put up in the past 6 months is contributing to the way I deal with this situation; I feel weak minded and therefore makes me not think straight and I always put it down to how I'm feeling; but before we reconciled again; my HA was under control, but even my DR said to me, you haven't been in to see me for a few years which is really good and now it's quite frequent.......

I just feel like a wreck and having no one to talk to because I don't want those around me to say in so many words I told u so, and after this is the 2nd time; I feel like an absolute idiot.

All I want is to be in a happy relationship with respect, someone that loves me and appreciates me for who I am.

How can someone do this the 2nd time round; I've now given another year of my life, on someone that knows I love him to be told the sheer reality of it; even though he's declared his love and introduces me to family.

I just want to sleep.

Xxxxx

[Fishmanpa]

All I want is to be in a happy relationship with respect, someone that loves me and appreciates me for who I am.

You'll be fine! Sleep if you need to sleep. Lick your wounds, heal and move on. Life is much too short to deal with negativity. You're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for and that once you do, your HA symptoms will miraculously disappear ;)

As for your words? The key to that wish is to respect, love and appreciate yourself above others. I have the feeling you already know this as you've done it before.

Good luck, positive thoughts and prayers

[Brunette]

This loser has drawn you in and got exactly where he wants you - again.

As Fishmanpa says, he is basically treating you as his f*ck buddy. Apart from anything else, he wants completely different things to you - he could be the nicest guy in the world and the relationship still wouldn't work out because he can't give you what you want. Remember that if you are in any doubt.

You know you can live without him and that you are a better person without him. Get rid of him and I'm pretty sure the worst of your HA will go with him.

You deserve better.

[Speranza]

I don't think you are stupid! What you have written shows that you have the wonderful qualities of love and compassion in spades. You just need to direct them towards the right people in life.

Starting with yourself.

You know what to do, you don't need our advice or permission. But you do have lots of support as you learn the lesson for good this time.

Well done!

:hugs::hugs::hugs:

[Lea2109]

It sounds like if you stay with this bloke you are going to have to sacrifice everything you want from a relationship? No children, no home together etc. is that really going to make you happy in the long run?

I've wasted years in awful relationships and believe me it's one of my biggest regrets to date and every time it took so long to get back to myself afterwards. You need to be with someone that wants what you want and makes you truly happy, I don't think this is that guy.

Of course these are all just my opinions but it does seem like this relationship is doing you absolutely no favours and bringing out all your anxiety. He should be your support not your reason to feel this way Hun? X

[Col]

It sounds like if you stay with this bloke you are going to have to sacrifice everything you want from a relationship? No children, no home together etc. is that really going to make you happy in the long run?

I've wasted years in awful relationships and believe me it's one of my biggest regrets to date and every time it took so long to get back to myself afterwards. You need to be with someone that wants what you want and makes you truly happy, I don't think this is that guy.

Of course these are all just my opinions but it does seem like this relationship is doing you absolutely no favours and bringing out all your anxiety. He should be your support not your reason to feel this way Hun? X


May I just add to what Lea has said regarding sacrifice - also ducking and diving from your family & friends because they still reel from what he did before. What a pathetic carry on & pathetic man! I know it's never that easy to walk away BUT you really SHOULD . He's an arrogant, selfish, bulls*****! GET OUT STAY OUT of a relationship with this verim. If it happens again you'll only have yourself to blame, not like you've not given him the benefit of the doubt before.:buttkick:

Great advice from fishman & Speranza, like she said imagine if this was someone else's problem & u gave advice, what would u say???